Contact someone after a long time

[rosethorne66]

Me and this guy met each other 5 years ago at work in my hometown. We worked in different offices but same building, we would see each other rather often, like in the elevator and cafeteria, and I never thought much of him. At first it was very casual, we would say hi to each other but nothing else. But one time we accidentally hung out after work at a concert and started talking more and more. I developed a crush, then a bigger crush every time we would see each other and talk. At the same time, I got an amazing job opportunity that required me to move the across the country.. He said he was very sad about the fact that I am leaving and he asked me a generalized question if I were to fall in love would I stay? I said I don't know we will see if it happens. He said ''we should get a drink sometime'', I said ok,  but we never did. His coworker mentioned at some point that he is very shy guy when it comes to approaching girls. One time, after he had a difficult day at work, he came to my office, I helped him out with something and he said that I make him very happy, which I thought was so sweet.

Anyway, I have taken that job opportunity in Seattle, we said goodbye to each other. He had no social media and we never exchanged numbers - so we just left it at that. I moved away, we're now both in our mid-30s, for all these years we never stayed in touch. I was in a relationship for two years that ended, I'm single now I'm back into my hometown. He pops in my head from time to time and I noticed he has Linked0in account now, so naturally I was wondering if I should get in touch? Just to say a friendly hi and see how he's doing. Would that seem a bit pathetic after so many years? 

So confused on what should I do.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, rosethorne66 said:

Me and this guy met each other 5 years ago at work in my hometown.  I'm single now I'm back into my hometown.  I noticed he has Linked0in account now, so naturally I was wondering if I should get in touch? 

It's fine to stay in touch with former coworkers on LinkedIn. However keep it light and professional. Be prepared that he's moved on by now and may be in a relationship.

Now that you've relocated back to your hometown, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. This way you at least have some options. Perhaps he's on dating apps,  who knows? 

[bluecastle]

29 minutes ago, rosethorne66 said:

Would that seem a bit pathetic after so many years? 

I don't think so. 

I understand he represents something in your mind—a kind of parallel life or road not taken—but in reality he's just a dude you kinda sorta knew a few moons ago. Maybe a message to him goes nowhere. Maybe somewhere. As long as you can go into it with that attitude—open to anything, including nothing—I say go for it. 

Curious: When did your most recent relationship end? 

 

[Coily]

Not pathetic at all. Reach out, see how he is, and be ready for anything.

[LootieTootie]

I would reach out and ask how he's doing. However, have low expectations or no expectations. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Check in and go from there 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, rosethorne66 said:

I noticed he has Linked0in account now, so naturally I was wondering if I should get in touch? Just to say a friendly hi and see how he's doing.

I think there is no harm in that.

However, you shoudnt exprect some miracle. It has been 5 years and a lot has changed. For example maybe he is married or has  girlfriend. Get in touch and see what the situation is and proceed accordingly.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, rosethorne66 said:

Would that seem a bit pathetic after so many years? 

What do you have to lose?  Worked out for my husband, reaching out after 14 years.  We have been happily married way over a decade with two kiddos.  And reconnected at 32.

[SooSad33]

I say why not - but do expect some things may have changed over these 5 years.  He may be involved now, etc.

So, sure, reach out.

One Q ,  You realize now that he has a linkedIn acct?  Why haven't you noticed this before now? ( is it just because he was out of your head all this time, until your move back?) 

[rosethorne66]

On 9/13/2023 at 1:27 AM, bluecastle said:

I don't think so. 

I understand he represents something in your mind—a kind of parallel life or road not taken—but in reality he's just a dude you kinda sorta knew a few moons ago. Maybe a message to him goes nowhere. Maybe somewhere. As long as you can go into it with that attitude—open to anything, including nothing—I say go for it. 

Curious: When did your most recent relationship end? 

 

It ended in July of 2022. Thank you for your advice. I don’t know why but, l feel extra nervous about it. 

[rosethorne66]

20 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I say why not - but do expect some things may have changed over these 5 years.  He may be involved now, etc.

So, sure, reach out.

One Q ,  You realize now that he has a linkedIn acct?  Why haven't you noticed this before now? ( is it just because he was out of your head all this time, until your move back?) 

He was out of my head when l was away. I also tried to find him a while ago but no luck since he didn’t have any profiles anywhere. Just recently l recently saw he has an acc.

[rosethorne66]

On 9/13/2023 at 8:31 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I think there is no harm in that.

However, you shoudnt exprect some miracle. It has been 5 years and a lot has changed. For example maybe he is married or has  girlfriend. Get in touch and see what the situation is and proceed accordingly.

I absolutely understand that. I am so nervous to do it.

Then l start to overthink and l don’t know what to say- how to even phrase a sentence. Should l just add him first and see if he says anything or should l add him AND send the message ? 

[Jaunty]

Try to drop the nervousness.  The only way this is healthy is if you are doing it with low / no expectations.  You are already attributing more weight to it than it warrants, since nothing really happened besides your crush back in the day.  I do think it's worth reaching out, but you also should probably be meeting other men.

[rosethorne66]

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Try to drop the nervousness.  The only way this is healthy is if you are doing it with low / no expectations.  You are already attributing more weight to it than it warrants, since nothing really happened besides your crush back in the day.  I do think it's worth reaching out, but you also should probably be meeting other men.

I needed to hear this, you’re right. Thank you

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rosethorne66 said:

 l just add him first and see if he says anything or should l add him AND send the message ? 

There's an option to send a brief note along with a connect request. It's politer to do that. Keep it simple. 

[rosethorne66]

Update on this. I mustered the courage and ended up contacting him. 

He seemed to be happy I reached out, he responded to me in matter of seconds every time I write. We were chatting, mostly about work. He was very responsive, polite, long sentences... But there was no initiative on his side to meet up. It looks like he moved to another town, one hour away. I told him to let me know when he's back in the city, so we will meet for coffee, he said ''absolutely''. And we left it at that.

My friend says, because of his shyness,  I should've been more direct and instead of chit chatting about work, I should've just send him - meet me for coffee, now. But I just couldn't do that. As I am quite shy too, and this was already too much for me. Lol. Any thoughts? 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rosethorne66 said:

Update on this. I mustered the courage and ended up contacting him. 

He seemed to be happy I reached out, he responded to me in matter of seconds every time I write. We were chatting, mostly about work. He was very responsive, polite, long sentences... But there was no initiative on his side to meet up. It looks like he moved to another town, one hour away. I told him to let me know when he's back in the city, so we will meet for coffee, he said ''absolutely''. And we left it at that.

My friend says, because of his shyness,  I should've been more direct and instead of chit chatting about work, I should've just send him - meet me for coffee, now. But I just couldn't do that. As I am quite shy too, and this was already too much for me. Lol. Any thoughts? 

I think you made your interest in seeing him in person totally clear and direct and he made it very clear that his response is not that interested-kind of like the garden variety messages I get regularly on FB from moms in my FB groups who claim to want to make new friends but when push comes to shove it's a vague "sure thing - I'll let you know!" 

It's a polite brush off.  Nothing to do with shyness.  If he is that shy that when faced with obvious interest to meet he doesn't tell you his plan of when to be in the city (or if he was really interested an hour away is not much at all IMO) then it's not just shyness -he either is very ill and doesn't want to tell you or he is phobic about being in a coffee shop or some wild reason.  My husband was extremely shy when he first asked me to lunch -because he was interested he got up the courage to call me on a landline and ask me to have lunch.  

You also could have told him you plan to be in his area anyway and ask if he is free -but it sounds like it's not in a location where that makes sense.

I think it would have been obnoxious on your part to be pushy about meeting in person.  

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, rosethorne66 said:

My friend says, because of his shyness,  I should've been more direct and instead of chit chatting about work, I should've just send him - meet me for coffee, now.

No, I don't necessarily agree with this. 

"Meet me for coffee now" would put me right off, personally. It sounds like a command.  It's not a good way to approach someone you haven't been in touch with for a long time. The message was perfectly clear when you said to let you know when he's in town again. 

If he's single and interested, you will hear from him again. If not, you can assume he is not really interested in connecting. 

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, rosethorne66 said:

I told him to let me know when he's back in the city, so we will meet for coffee, he said ''absolutely''. And we left it at that.

I have a friend that I connect to from time to time. She is in my city but she is married and has 2 kids, we know each other since we were little, she lived right across my home. Anyway, we were connected through some organization and always when we saw each other there she would say "We should meet for coffee". But in months we just didnt. 

Anyway, I am saying this to you to present how meaningless those calls for coffee are without an actual plan. If he contacts you and says "Hey, I will be in your city, we should meet there and there at that time", it would be different. But this is just meaningless without an actual plan involved. That yes, should come from him, not you. You did enough by reconnecting.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rosethorne66 said:

. I told him to let me know when he's back in the city, so we will meet for coffee, he said ''absolutely''.  . I should've just send him - meet me for coffee, now. 

It's good you reached out and he responded, however the ball is in his court. There's no need to be as aggressive as your friend suggests. If he wants to meet, he'll let you know because you already put it out there.

[lostandhurt]

Good on you for taking the leap and reaching out to him.

If he is interested he will find a reason to be in your city soon, if not the offer will languish and you will know his interest level.

Back in your hometown after all these years is a fresh start in the dating scene so get out there and see who is available.  I am sure you will run into profiles of guys you remember from back in the day.

  Try and not make these little things into a nervous situation.  We all are guilty of it from time to time but when it is done we realize it was nothing to be worried about.

Good luck

  Lost

[smackie9]

yup I agree you put it out there "interest" to him and IMO you were clear about it without being too aggressive. What he does with that will be up to him now. If he is interested, he will take you up on that coffee. Let's hope he does 🙂

[catfeeder]

On 10/8/2023 at 7:33 AM, rosethorne66 said:

My friend says, because of his shyness,  I should've been more direct and instead of chit chatting about work, I should've just send him - meet me for coffee, now. But I just couldn't do that. As I am quite shy too, and this was already too much for me. Lol. Any thoughts? 

While your friend means well, would you really want to date someone who you don't even credit with an ability to  pursue you if he's interested?

You've established a LinkedIn connection, and good work. That connection will still work if he's ever better positioned or interested enough to ask you out. I'd move forward and start setting up coffee meets with other local men.

Head high.