My partner starting using DMT daily

[SB78]

My partner has recently started taking DMT. At first it was once a week, then a few times a week, now it's multiple times per day. He started taking it to help him cope with anxiety caused by a custody battle, work, strenous relationship with family members etc. He says taking DMT really helps him cope with his anxiety. Although I realize that most people would have huge issues with someone taking DMT period, let alone on a regular basis, I strongly beliee that everyone has a right over their own body (and do with it what they want), however as long as it doesn't affect other people.

The DMT is synthetic powder form so very short lasting - 5-15 minutes, and although he takes it several times per day, as the effect goes away so fast, it has had no effect on his ability to work, socialize etc. However, I have observed a change in personality. Now, I don't know if his change of personality is caused by all the things he's dealing with and the anxiety that this causes him OR caused by the DMT. 

In recent weeks, he has exhibited unreasonable controlling behaviour with me, collegues and his family. He has been very moody, short tempered, and somewhat paranoid. He seems to worry a lot that other people's actions have ill-intent. 

I have tried to discuss this with him but he got very upset and defensive. I am feeling quite overwhelmed and not sure how to proceed. 

[LootieTootie]

Yes dmt is a very strong psychedelic drug and it affects all your senses. I knew a guy who took it a few times. Believed it made him clairvoyant and he sweared because of it, it was always deja vu things that happened when he wasn't on it. Then he saw himself in the future really unhappy and depressed and he stopped because it scared him.

He's a drug addict and most likely, like all addicts they become dependent on the drug. because its a powerful drug, the body get used to it as a fuel and once you stopped taking it, your body reacts violently. Hence, drug abuse.

You really need to sit down and talk to him, and if he isn't willing to listen, then that's your call to get out. for your own sanity and well-being.

[Coily]

With any substance abuse (drugs, alcohol, pharmaceuticals) , it will lead down a rabbit hole of addiction. Sorry just how it is.

If he is unwilling to address this head on, and it will be very hard to discuss; then you need to decide if you want to continue to watch him decline. He will possibly need rehab if he is dosing this often.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, SB78 said:

. He started taking it to help him cope with anxiety caused by a custody battle, work, strenous relationship with family members etc. He says taking DMT really helps him cope with his anxiety. 

Unfortunately you can't tell him what to do or reason with someone high on drugs. What you can do is step back and stop enabling him.

Tell him you can't cope with the effects on you and need to remove yourself from the situation.

Try contacting NarAnon for information, help and support for yourself and insight into your role and recovery from this:

https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

[lostandhurt]

So I read your other threads about this relationship.

Both divorced out of long marriages, been together about 2 years, living together fairly recently and both have children you share with your ex's.

 Your children are in same home as someone using drugs to escape the reality of life.  Since he had such an uncommonly passionate relationship with his ex and from what you wrote my not be over her and the drugs are to cope with what a lot of us deal with daily this sounds like a very serious issue.

 If his ex finds out he is using she will use it against him in the custody battle.  If your ex finds out you are living with an addict he will rightfully so not want his children in the same home.

  I encourage you to go back and read your own words from your other threads.  You have more doubts than you are letting on and things are not as rosy as you want them to be.  You may have a wonderful connection with him the likes you never thought possible but when red and orange flags start popping up all over the place it is time to pay attention.

  Lost

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

 and both have children you share with your ex's. Your children are in same home as someone using drugs to escape the reality of life.  

Update. Please end this asap since you have your children with you. If this is the same man, it should have ended long ago. Your children come first not his "right" to do drugs.

[SB78]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's really helpful to have a space to discuss this as I cannot get him to see that there is an issue. 

I have read up A LOT about DMT and unlike other drugs, it does not cause a physical dependance although it my cause a mental one. Overall, compared to other drugs, from a health perspective, DMT is fairly safe, although it can higher your blood pressure and over time cause heart health issues. That being said, he should be able to stop (from a physical perspective) anytime he wants without any negative consequences, side effects or withrawal symptoms.

 

@lostandhurt yes, that is all correct. We have been together 2.5 years, and been living together for just over a year. We have a blended family and kids are extremely close. What is hardest for me right now is to think about our blended family. My kids have been through a lot since my divorce 5 years ago, and they are SO happy about this new family situation. To loose than connection with his children would be extremely heart breaking for them. 

I am thorn about what to do. There have been issues before (mostly around control to be honest), but those were infrequent and nothing alarming in my opinion. But this behaviour has gotten way out of hand, and it's really difficult to deal with at the moment. He is also a wonderful person and partner most of the time, and I know he really cares about me deeply. I really care about him as well. 

Perhaps this is distorted thinking, but I also feel that he is taking lots of DMT because he's not mentally well, and I would like to help him. Given the mental state that he has been in recently, I worry about what will happen if I leave. 

[boltnrun]

You can't "help" someone out of a drug dependency or mental health issues. And yes, if he's using the drugs to avoid dealing with life's stressors he has a dependency. He needs professional help and he has to want it. 

If one of your children came to you and said they were using this drug would you shrug it off? Or would you be extremely concerned?

As others have said, you are risking losing custody of your children by insisting on clinging to this relationship. Is it worth it? I doubt it.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can't "help" someone out of a drug dependency or mental health issues. And yes, if he's using the drugs to avoid dealing with life's stressors he has a dependency. He needs professional help and he has to want it. 

If one of your children came to you and said they were using this drug would you shrug it off? Or would you be extremely concerned?

As others have said, you are risking losing custody of your children by insisting on clinging to this relationship. Is it worth it? I doubt it.

Same. Also what safeguards are in place - are the illegal drugs out of reach if the kids ? Is he allowed to drive your kids in a car ??

[lostandhurt]

Time to put your cards on the table with him.  Give him a chance to straighten out his emotional state before it ruins everything.

  This will not be easy but if not you who?  You have more to lose than he does in all this.  If he freaks out and the police are called to the house both ex's will know and then what?

 If you searched this site you will find tons of people that are in love with someone abusing drugs for all kinds of reasons and don't want to leave them because they are afraid of what might happen.  Most of the time they fail to see what will happen if they stay.

 He may care for you deeply, he may love you more than anyone has ever loved you but that does not diminish his drug addiction.  He isn't using to feel good for a while, he is using to survive and stay upright.  That is addiction.

  I will not badger you about your responsibility to your children or their safety as I am sure you are a good mother but I will remind you that you cannot save him, he has to save himself. 

Sit down with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that using drugs is not the solution and will be the end of the relationship if he does not seek professional help right away.  He has a choice, drugs or the family.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, SB78 said:

, I worry about what will happen if I leave. 

You will be protecting your children from someone high on drugs.

It doesn't matter how much you research DMT or it's physical dependency or why he takes it. Your children should not be exposed to someone on psychedelics. It's that simple.

Can you afford to support yourself? Why are you subjecting your children to this? Can they stay safely with their father until you figure out how to leave? 

[Andrina]

"It can produce an intense, euphoric high that can distort your senses so that you see or feel things that aren’t really there."

So what if one of your children came into the room and he was having a delusion that they were a monster and he needed to kill it with a knife?

What if one of the kids found the drug and ingested it?

What if the DMT was laced with something stronger, as street drugs sometimes are?

What if police raided your home and the children were removed from your care?

What if he needed to rush you to the hospital but he needed to come down from his high to do so?

What if he is arrested, because it is against the law to take DMT?

What if your children learn to handle their emotional problems by ingesting drugs? They are sponges and you can't hide anything from them.

You remaining one more second in the home with your kids, or not kicking him out, is pure neglect. None of your reasons are valid. Don't try to sugarcoat this with your children being attached to his children. The danger negates everything, and there is absolutely NO justification for remaining with a drug user.

 

[catfeeder]

At the very least I’d advise him to obtain free test strips to ensure that he doesn’t end up dead from Fentanyl, but my biggest priority given his personality changes would be to get my children and their mother away from this household unless and until he stops using any has been sober for a minimum of 30 days.

This would move you beyond enabling him in favor of recognizing your true priorities, and it offers him an incentive to get clean if he wants you back.

This isn’t about judging him, it’s about recognizing that your kids have been through enough. You can’t pretend this away, and if you opt to believe that this problem isn’t urgent enough to remove your kids, then you are fooling yourself at their expense.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, SB78 said:

, I strongly beliee that everyone has a right over their own body (and do with it what they want), however as long as it doesn't affect other people.

But it likely will as others have said -affect other people.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SB78 said:

Perhaps this is distorted thinking, but I also feel that he is taking lots of DMT because he's not mentally well, and I would like to help him. 

There's one major problem with this thinking. And that is by law, your children have rights to a safe environment, which you are responsible for providing. Your BF doesn't have these rights.

He has the right to throw whatever garbage he wants into his body. But he's not protected by the laws the way your children are.

If you insist on choosing this man over your children's wellbeing, please give their father full custody.

[Tinydance]

The thing is that most people go through tough times in life but not everyone turns to drugs. To me this seems very concerning because his mental health and addiction seem to have taken over him. If he's going through a custody battle, it seems like a very bad move to get into hard-core illegal drugs. Courts often seem to side with the mother more to begin with. But if he's frequently using drugs, 100% this can and most likely will be used against him in court.

If you're using substances every day, it's not that easy to hide. One of his children might see him using it or acting weird and could tell their mother. If she's trying to get full custody of the kids then this just makes it so much easier for her. 

I think it's probably naive to think that some illegal drugs are not as harmful as others. Usually certain drugs are illegal because they're actually considered very harmful. Even legal substances like alcohol can definitely be harmful both psychologically and physically if the substance is abused. It's OK to have a glass of wine with dinner or go for a few drinks sometimes. But if the person drinks a bottle of wine every day then it becomes an actual addiction. In your partner's case it definitely sounds like it's become an addiction.

I think with addiction it can be a slippery slope. My ex - fiance got addicted to nitrous oxide which here in Australia is actually not illegal. As far as I understand it's also supposed to be not that physically addictive. At first my ex was only using it occasionally and still working. But the addiction was getting worse and worse very quickly. It got to the point that he would use like a thousand pellets of nitrous every day. He stayed up all night doing it and didn't sleep. Eventually he got let go from work and he spent $10, 000 in six months just on the drugs alone. Here that's considered a very large amount of money. Most addiction probably starts out like that and at first the person is still functioning. Until they're not.

I'm not saying you need to leave your partner straight away but I think you really need to assert your boundaries. You need to say that he needs to get help, go to counselling, do rehab. And if he doesn't give it up that you will reconsider the relationship. You can give him a chance to stop using but he needs to really think about his priorities. 

In my opinion DMT is worse than many other substances because it's mind altering. It's different to for example smoking or vaping. While it's bad for your health but it doesn't actually change your brain chemistry in the sense that it causes hallucinations or delusions. For example people who heavily used LSD sometimes developed permanent psychosis, paranoia and had flashbacks all their life. 

[Cherylyn]

You can't change him.  You'll have to tolerate the DMT's adverse side effects,  his belligerent behavior or there's the door.  Those are your choices.

[tattoobunnie]

So are you okay with your kids doing DMT regularly throughout the day with him?  No kid is happy around an adult that is doing drugs throughout the day, every day.  Think about it.  This man has zero coping skills other than with drugs.  This is not a safe and healthy environment for your children even if your divorce was awful.

[SB78]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I don't have my kids for another 4 days so am considering my options. I have reached out to his mother yesterday and we had a long discussion about how we can help him while prioritizing our own well-being.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, SB78 said:

Thank you everyone for your comments. I don't have my kids for another 4 days so am considering my options. I have reached out to his mother yesterday and we had a long discussion about how we can help him while prioritizing our own well-being.

Big words. What about instead “help him while keeping my kids safe”. You can help him. Give him the numbers for resources for drug abuse. Then “prioritize” your well being plus your kids and ability to parent your kids by making sure they are never around him. 

[boltnrun]

How do you think your kids' father would react if he knew they are in a household with a man who does illegal drugs? No, I am sure he doesn't do them right in front of the kids but they're present in the home, right?

What if one of the kids needed to be taken to the ER and you weren't home? Can you count on that man being sober enough to drive them?

This isn't about your desire for male companionship or even about "but I LOVE him!!!!!" This is about the safety and well-being of your precious children.