SB78

Thank you everyone for your comments. I don't have my kids for another 4 days so am considering my options. I have reached out to his mother yesterday and we had a long discussion about how we can help him while prioritizing our own well-being.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's really helpful to have a space to discuss this as I cannot get him to see that there is an issue. I have read up A LOT about DMT and unlike other drugs, it does not cause a physical dependance although it my cause a mental one. Overall, compared to other drugs, from a health perspective, DMT is fairly safe, although it can higher your blood pressure and over time cause heart health issues. That being said, he should be able to stop (from a physical perspective) anytime he wants without any negative consequences, side effects or withrawal symptoms. @lostandhurt yes, that is all correct. We have been together 2.5 years, and been living together for just over a year. We have a blended family and kids are extremely close. What is hardest for me right now is to think about our blended family. My kids have been through a lot since my divorce 5 years ago, and they are SO happy about this new family situation. To loose than connection with his children would be extremely heart breaking for them. I am thorn about what to do. There have been issues before (mostly around control to be honest), but those were infrequent and nothing alarming in my opinion. But this behaviour has gotten way out of hand, and it's really difficult to deal with at the moment. He is also a wonderful person and partner most of the time, and I know he really cares about me deeply. I really care about him as well. Perhaps this is distorted thinking, but I also feel that he is taking lots of DMT because he's not mentally well, and I would like to help him. Given the mental state that he has been in recently, I worry about what will happen if I leave.

My partner has recently started taking DMT. At first it was once a week, then a few times a week, now it's multiple times per day. He started taking it to help him cope with anxiety caused by a custody battle, work, strenous relationship with family members etc. He says taking DMT really helps him cope with his anxiety. Although I realize that most people would have huge issues with someone taking DMT period, let alone on a regular basis, I strongly beliee that everyone has a right over their own body (and do with it what they want), however as long as it doesn't affect other people. The DMT is synthetic powder form so very short lasting - 5-15 minutes, and although he takes it several times per day, as the effect goes away so fast, it has had no effect on his ability to work, socialize etc. However, I have observed a change in personality. Now, I don't know if his change of personality is caused by all the things he's dealing with and the anxiety that this causes him OR caused by the DMT. In recent weeks, he has exhibited unreasonable controlling behaviour with me, collegues and his family. He has been very moody, short tempered, and somewhat paranoid. He seems to worry a lot that other people's actions have ill-intent. I have tried to discuss this with him but he got very upset and defensive. I am feeling quite overwhelmed and not sure how to proceed.

He has been stonewalling me since I brought him up to him. Sleeping on the couch was stonewalling in so many words.

Yes. In fact, my mother is bad with gossip. She loves it, and often doesn't care if it hurts others. I'm also not super clear in what context this information was communicated. What his mother said is of course inappropriate no matter the context, but my mom does have a way of extrapolating information and giving them new meaning.

I am actually quite upset about his mom telling my mom, but even more upset about my mom telling me. She knew this would upset me, and she told me anyway. I am extremely close to my mother but she has never been supportive of any of my relationships. I suspect that secretly she prefers if I'm single because then I have more time to hang out with her, travel with her etc. His mother's motivation is less clear though: he's not super close to his mom. They have a good relationship but I wouldn't say they're best friends.

I should add that I did mention it to my partner yesterday after getting back. I didn't say that I was upset about it but told him what his mother said to mine and how she reacted. He didn't say much, just withrew and slept on the living room sofa. His reaction, in fact, is what worries me the most. If there wasn't nothing to this, wouldn't he just have laughed and ignored it?

I have been with my current partner for over two years and although things have been challenging at times (we are both divorced and moved in together as a blended family a last summer which took some adjustment), we have a wonderful relationship. I feel much more in love and connected to him than I felt with my ex (that I was married to for 18 years and had two children with). I feel that we are extremely compatible, and our children and families are also very compatible! He's had his kids all of this week while mine were on vacation with their father. His mother was watching the kids during the day while he worked, and spent most of her days at my mother's house so that the kids could take advantage of her pool given the heat wave. Yesterday, we all had dinner together at my mother's and I stayed back to help her do dishes and clean while my partner went back home to put the kids to bed. As I was chatting with my mother, she shared something that his mother said that really upset her. His mother told my mother that my partner had an uncommonly passionate relationship with his ex. My mother's head panicked at this and she is now worried that he secretely wants to get back with his ex. My partner and I discussed our past relationships and he did say before that he was very deeply in love with his ex as she was his first love (they met when they were 19 and were married for 20 years). I never really thought that much about it. Every relationships is different, and first loves are often not a great match even if they are passionnate. That being said, I did feel quite upset about it now, and the discussion with my mother left me feeling really sad and unloved. It's been on my mind every since. I can't shake it off!

Rehab and AA don't have very high success rates unfortunately. Please keep this in mind when making your decisions. I know how hard it is to leave someone when you're in love, but trust me, there is someone better out there, ready to love you without the abuse. Clearly this man has suffered himself a lot in his life for drinking this heavily, but unfortunately you cannot fix him. Whatever issues he has, he has to deal with on his own, and he needs to find motivation within himself to deal with his alcoholism for him, for his well-being. He is in a place where he needs to take care of his mental health which causes his drinking problem. Perhaps deep down he is not a bad person, but he is definitely a damaged one. Walking away at this point is unfortunately the only safe things to do, both for your physical and mental health. If in the future you've heard from friends and family that he has turned his life around, and dealt with his issues, and if in this future you still have feelings for him, you can always cautiously go for a coffee with him and see for yourself. But trust me, I know this from personal experience, no matter how attached you think you are to someone, and no matter how hard it seems in the moment to leave that person, if the person you're with does not make you happy, it is always better to leave. You will find love again, and in the meantime, you will find yourself.

We were together a year and a half before moving in together. He moved into my place. It's a bit thight with 6 kids (we are using every inch of the house, and had to rent storage), and perhaps we could find a better balance from a location point of view, something more balanced between the school of his kids' and mine. Before he moved in, we did discuss buying something more suitable together, but the real estate market was a bit wonky (still is!), and we thought that it perhaps wasn't a bad idea to see how things go, before getting all financially entangled. We had a long discussion around investments, assets etc, and realized we would need to see a financial advisor, and sign a financial agreement before buying property together, and then got a bit exhausted about it all, and decided to first see how things go, and reassess in a year. We are coming close to the end of that year though!

I am 45 and divorced with two children ages 10 and 8. A few years ago, I met my current partner, 41, also divorced with 4 children ages 5, 7, 11 and 15. When we met, we pretty much hit it off right away, and when our kids met about a year later, they also hit it off right away. We all moved in together last summer, and have been a happily blended family since. Our kids now share bedrooms with each other, and consider each other siblings. Everything is seemingly perfect, yet, I have doubts here and there. Things aren't always that easy. Our schedules aren't perfectly aligned yet (we are working on it, but exes are a bit resistent), and we therefore don't have a lot of time alone for each other. And when we don't have the kids, he is often required to work very late (he sometimes has to work late when he has his kids also). It' not uncommon that he works 80 hours in a week! Furthermore, him having 4 children, his ex often needs help with taking one of the kids to activities on our weekends off, therefore leaving even less time for each other. We've also been having some disagreements around various topics such as parenting style, how we want our home to look and be organized (he is very much of a minimalist while I like to have lots of pretty things everywhere), eating in versus going out etc. As we both spent two decades with our previous partners, and although we both clearly weren't compatible with these previous partners, we both kind of "grew up" with them, and were aligned in most of these ways with them: parenting, activities, home decoration etc., and we are both struggling to adjust to the other. Outside of these issues, we have an amazing relationship. When we do find time for each other, I feel a deep sense of connection to him, and we have a wonderful time together. We also have a really great sex life! Although we have some misalignments, we share the same values, and have connected deeply on issues of social justice which we both feel strongly about. We are aligned in living our lives in a way that is considerate of our planet and other people, in a way that gives more than we want to receive, and is there for others when they need us. Furthermore, we have not only succesfully blended our children, but also our families and friends. We both get along really well with each other's parents, siblings and friends, which has been a relief for both since that wasn't the case with our exes. Also, I should add that he is extremely devoted to me, and has repeated on numerous occasions that he wants to grow old together. He's also suggested that we get married, but I don't really see the point of it at this stage of our lives. And yet, I often find it hard. A blended family is not the same, and although I love his children, I will never feel the same way about them as I feel about mine. When he has to take one of his kids to an activity on our weekend alone together, I get this annoying feeling like I'm competing with his children for time with him. It's irrational, but I feel sad that he didn't say no to his ex to prioritize our time together. And our misalignments over other things just throws oil on my fire. I guess I wish it were easier, that our relationship were easier. I do discuss these things with him, and we've also been seeing a couple therapist twice a month to help us navigate some of these issues. He feels pulled into many different directions, he says, and like he can't make anyone truly happy. He wishes his work were less demanding, but he's very good at it (and loves it). He also gets compensated nicely, and since he has to pay a lot of child support, he needs the extra income. He does wish somewhere down the road, when there are less expenses, to start his own company and have more control over his time. But that's a decade down the road. He also says that he really wishes that we had more time for each other, that I'm not the only one that needs to feel connected. But he can't say no when his ex needs his help to navigate the kids' activities. He doesn't want them to miss out on things, and he feels that by having had these children, he's made a committment to support them in their development and passions. All that to say that I do feel lucky to have found a truly wonderful man, and have a pretty amazing new life situation. Am I crazy to feel doubt? To sometimes feel uneasy?