Bf won't get his license?

[stinkydogs97]

I've been in a relationship with him for about 4years at this point but one thing that I constantly bring up is he doesn't have his license. He says that he has really bad anxiety about it because when he was younger and first learning to drive he almost got into an accident. I give him rides to (and sometimes from) work and drive us to all of our outings and family get-togethers. He will give me gas money when I ask him to but I just want him to be able to drive on his own, with his own car and license. When I last brought up that it made me sad he doesn't have his license he said that it's not fair that I'm making him responsible for my feelings because him getting his license isn't something I can control.

I want him to want to get a license on his own but he also has said during our conversations about it that he wants me to help remind him or give him a push to keep him on track. I don't want to always nag him about this and I feel like it's not fair because I do all the driving when we go out to eat, get groceries, I take pets to and from appointments, I take him to work and I pay for my own car payments, gas (except when I ask him for money) and insurance. I also do a lot of things for our relationship and household needs like managing the bills and taking care of our elderly pets who need constant care. I feel like the balance of responsibility isn't equal and him getting his license would be a good step for me to feel less burdened.

I feel really strongly about this but he's making me feel that I'm acting unreasonable, what do you think?

[Capricorn3]

I can understand your frustration for sure, but when he explains ..."He says that he has really bad anxiety about it because when he was younger and first learning to drive he almost got into an accident."  When someone has had such a bad experience, it can be very very difficult to get him to want to drive.  A friend of mine had a similar experience and that was the end of driving for her.  She never got her license.  She was terrified.

Not sure how you can change this.  Perhaps he needs to see a counselor/therapist to help him with his anxiety.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, stinkydogs97 said:

 I do all the driving when we go out to eat, get groceries, I take pets to and from appointments, I take him to work and I pay for my own car payments, gas and insurance..

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? How long have you lived together? Does he work full time? How did he get around 4 years ago? 

Is there public transportation and ride share and taxis in your area? Can he walk, get a bicycle or car pool and pay coworkers for rides?

The first step is not nagging him to get a license, it's to discontinue chauffeuring him around. The next step is to stop overcompensating and do less and pay less around the house. 

Start by calculating your total car costs and charging appropriately. Research what Uber charges and start charging him that. If you feel he is lazy or parasitic, stop doing everything for him and reconsider the relationship.

As long as you enable him, chauffeur him, mother and pamper him, he has no incentive to do anything except make excuses.

If he continues to refuse to pull his weight consider freeing yourself from this.  Is it his place, your place or do you co-lease?

But stop arguing about a driver's license and start charging what Uber charges. If he can't drive for whatever reason, fine but change your mothering behavior and start charging for transportation.

[LootieTootie]

 Don't take him any where. Tell him he has to find his own ride because you didnt sign up to be his chauffeur for years on end. I know its hard to do but if you feel strongly about this and it's not getting through, then you need to be firm. 

If firm doesn't work, be ready to accept that there are incompatibilities that are dealbreakers.

[Kwothe28]

Thing is, some people are not meant to drive. I know a woman, she is perfectly capable otherwise. University education, nice job and all that. But she just cant drive. She never passed her practice drivers exam (she passed written exam with flying colors) but no matter how much she practiced with auto school(here you pay for classes and drive with your instructor), she just cant. For example she keeps looking into gear stick when she is changing speed. Which she shouldnt be doing because then she loses sight of her surrounding. Driving is essentially a skill you learn. But again, just how it is with skills, not everybody can be good at it and learn it properly.

That being said I think its useless to force your boyfriend or give him ultimatums. He may maybe try therapy but for therapy he needs to know he has an issue and to try to fix it. And dunno if he wants that. He is just afraid to drive. If you wouldnt drive him around he would maybe, I dunno, go with public transportation or something. Which could be one of the solution to maybe you get less burden about things. But you should just maybe accept that things will not change. And act accordingly. That means that if you want a boyfriend who would drive(or even take other responsabilities because he doesnt seem to be doing that a lot too) that guy aint it.

[Batya33]

I got my license at 49 and have driven a car (I am 57) but never became a driver.  But I've never lived in a city where driving was essential.  My husband drives and I rarely depend on him to drive me anywhere- I walk almost everywhere or take public transit. Once in a blue moon I take an uber but it's really rare.  Would you be willing to move to an area where driving isn't necessary? That's how I lived my first 43 years. 

One of my friends learned to drive in her 20s, had a bad accident with her kids in the car a few years later and never drove again because of it(kids were ok, she broke a few ribs and had to nurse her baby in that condition and she says it was at least partly her fault -she got distracted and simply wasn't a good driver) -she's in her 60s now.

If it was essential for me to drive -like if we ever move to the burbs -neither of us plan to -then I would be willing to be a neighborhood driver. I have no desire to drive and again I don't depend on others to chauffer me around. So my suggestion is relocate to where your BF can walk/use public transit.

[shouldhavelearned]

Love and support

Not negative energy 

[Cherylyn]

You can't change him.  Either accept him as is or there is the door.  It's your choice. 

[catfeeder]

Two things nobody can accomplish: force fear out of someone or convince another that they want what they don't want. 

People who fear something often believe that it's their fear that's keeping them alive. So asking them to 'treat' that isn't the same as asking one to treat a condition that's obviously harmful. Also, fear of driving can amplify the kind of ineptitude that can make a person harmful to themselves or others. Ask yourself: would you really want to be his passenger?

If you love this man, approach the issue of overall inequality in the household by asking if it's something WE can solve as a team--we're on the same side. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone where your interests CAN align in a fair trade of something valuable to each. The most successful couples negotiate regularly--so forget seething in silence over the myth, "If he loved me, he'd know what I need..." Also consider that imposing a cost for something you've been providing for free is NOT the best way to 'win' his buy-in.

Instead, tell him you've heard of a fun bribery method that couples are using to reward one another for doing some of their favorite things. Ask him to think about things or behaviors he would like from you as part of his 'bribe list,' and you'll make up one of your own. Pick a time to review the lists together, but either of you can always add to your list at any time.

Payments for services CAN be part of a list, and so can sexual favors, or even an offer to STOP doing something that really irks the other for a specified time--and failure means payment of 20 bucks on the spot. You can both have fun with this, even while you both get your needs met. A ride to somewhere could equal him cooking your favorite dish or grooming the dogs that night. See how it goes.

PS: It would be wise to factor into your own workload all of the things you'd need to do on your own, anyway, if you loved alone. Be cognizant that your choice to do those things is voluntary, and not something to resent him for. If you target JUST the extra tasks he adds to your life as the ONLY points of contention, you might find that this minimizes what you consider as actual inequities.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

PS: It would be wise to factor into your own workload all of the things you'd need to do on your own, anyway, if you loved alone. Be cognizant that your choice to do those things is voluntary, and not something to resent him for. If you target JUST the extra tasks he adds to your life as the ONLY points of contention, you might find that this minimizes what you consider as actual inequities.

This is a great point and goes for many household tasks and errands -also check yourself as far as whether you routinely go to multiple stores because you drive and you "can" even though the rotisserie chicken at the market you're at is really just as good at the big box store a few miles away you're a member of.  I have friends who live in their cars -who drive from one part of a shopping center to another to avoid walking to the other store. 

Or 'I have to get my son this better musical instrument because he must have it and the only store is 10 miles away".  It becomes a default "oh you know it's just up the road so let's go to the drive thru that's near the better big box store that might have the matching bathroom cups that are so cute".  Since I don't drive and now live in a city that is not as non-driver friendly -I make choices and they include whether it's worth to walk the extra mile round trip to try a slice of the black forest cake everyone's been raving about. 

It means I plan my errands to be the most efficient and I don't ask for rides from my husband. It's been about 4 years since he drove me one way or back for the weekly grocery shopping (because during covid it made no sense for two people to be exposed) - and so I switched to ordering heavier items online.  

Sit down with bf and whittle down the musts vs. want to have and see if trips can be combined or done away with.  Or like I said move.  My mom is 88. Never driven.  She walks everywhere and until about 3 years ago also took public transit.  No one drives her around. Occasionally she will take an uber to the airport instead of the public bus when she travels, and my dad didn't drive her to errands -but yes he drove on weekends for any family outings if not accessible by public transit. It was never ever a thing between them because of the city we grew up in. 

I have several friends who basically live in their cars and who lack the skill of taking public transit so when they travel to cities or internationally where it's the norm -they are lost, they are fumbling, they are overly anxious - meanwhile my son has been riding public transit with me for 11 years and is about to start on his own - (I started on my own around age 11) - he's been to multiple cities and countries and knows how to read a transit map or google maps etc.  That is also a skill.  

[Lambert]

14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You can't change him.  Either accept him as is or there is the door.  It's your choice. 

These are my thoughts as well. 

You're right that it's out of balance and unfair. Only you can decide if you want to put up with it. 

15 hours ago, stinkydogs97 said:

has said during our conversations about it that he wants me to help remind him or give him a push to keep him on track.

saying this^^^^ isn't fair after saying this:

 

15 hours ago, stinkydogs97 said:

he said that it's not fair that I'm making him responsible for my feelings because him getting his license isn't something I can control.

Which is it he wants? 

Sounds like you're making it easy for him and he pushes back because he doesn't want to change. 

What if something happened and you couldn't drive him? What about if you have kids together? That's all on you, too?

I think its time for him to face his fears or lose a good girlfriend... You're not his mom and you're not a car service.

[Jaunty]

He doesn't have to get a license and a car if he feels this strongly about it.  You also don't have to drive him around everyplace, or break up if you love him.

What you both need to do is to find ways for him to be fully self sufficient and also contributing equally in your relationship even as a non-driver.

This means that you have to stop chauffeuring him etc.   You will definitely need to take on most of the familial responsibilities that involve, for example, hauling objects or large shopping expeditions.  If you want to go together to places where there is not public transport, or if you aren't willing to be the driver, you won't go to those places together.

Lots of folks don't drive.  It can limit their lives to some extent but it's their choice.  

[smackie9]

He doesn’t want to drive or take on other adult responsibilities….that’s who he is. Either you take it or leave him. This is why we date. To find out what they are like dealing with everyday  adult life. He’s not fulfilling your expectations. Just think what it would be like to have a mortgage and kids? He would fold like a blanket. 

[Jaunty]

I don't agree that driving is an "adult responsibility."  There are many other ways that a person can be a full contributing partner in a relationship.  

[boltnrun]

My aunts never drove. They had kids and owned homes with their husbands. They didn't fold like blankets. Quite the opposite. They raised great kids. My mother only started driving after my dad left us. She was a terrible, frightened driver but she did it. Honestly, it was better when she didn't drive but she had no choice.

The only thing that was truly difficult for me when I was carless for the past two weeks was grocery shopping and that's because I don't own a pull cart. If I had one it would have been easy to walk to the store.

However...if your partner driving and owning a car is something you require you can date a man who does. Not a man who admits to having anxiety related to driving. 

[Cherylyn]

I've learned years ago that there's a difference between wishful thinking,  hope and accepting a person for who they are whether you like them or not;  whether you agree with them or not. 

I have several schools of thought on this.  I've heard it all about "nobody's perfect,  blah,  blah, blah,"  "accept the good in everyone,"  "do you want to be right or happy?" <=== I believed that mantra until fairly recently,  "oh I can change him;  it will get better / just remain patient" and all the typical platitudes and then some.  

Sure,  you can have the patience of a saint and pray about it.  I hope it works in your favor.  However,  based upon my experience,  you either keep the peace by accepting how they are and the situation you're in or you bail with your exit strategy.  You can argue until you're blue in the face if you prefer taking this route.  However, be prepared.  You will be worn down eventually and there's a very strong possibility of losing the argument and not getting your way anyway.   What was it all for?  Was it worth it?

It really depends upon how much time and energy do you have?  How much money do you have?  Are you willing to play chauffeur for who knows how long?  Indefinitely?  What about gas,  wear 'n tear on your car,  car insurance,  your time and energy?  Is it limitless?   It's not about him helping pay.  It's about you constantly helping him when you could be doing other things just like a normal person and being with a person who is responsible for his own transportation needs whether his own car or public transportation. 

Many times,  in order to have peace and harmony,  one person in the relationship has to be the dominant one and the other one is inferior if expectations for changes for the better are low to nil.  One person dictates how the relationship will be while the other person forever acquiesces.  The real question here is are you willing to tolerate and endure it at this rate?  These are the type of hard questions you need to ask yourself.  Once you determine how much of yourself you're willing to give without fruition,  then there is your answer.  You either stay,  put up and shut up or the relationship is doomed for failure.  As long as you're realistic,  you'll make your decision.

[Andrina]

21 hours ago, stinkydogs97 said:

He will give me gas money when I ask him to

 

21 hours ago, stinkydogs97 said:

I take him to work and I pay for my own car payments, gas (except when I ask him for money

 

21 hours ago, stinkydogs97 said:

I feel like the balance of responsibility isn't equal

Aren't all of these statements very telling about his character? That you're doing him a humongous favor with never-ending transportation, and then to add insult upon injury, you have to ASK him for money? And he doesn't care that you're exhausted with the chores being top-heavy on your side? You don't say if you've ever asked him to do an equal amount of chores, and what his response was.

I'm assuming you're feeling resentful, so that's not a good foundation for a satisfying relationship.

I can't say I'd stay with someone who acts more like a self-centered 13 year old boy who tries to get away with doing as little chores as possible and who doesn't want to part with any of his allowance.

But if you do decide to remain for the time being, stop enabling him. You can't force him to get a license, but you can tell him you're feeling resentful, having to drive him to work, so he will have to arrange for his own transportation. If he tries to guilt-trip you or sulks or behaves in any negative manner, then that is further confirmation how self-centered he is, and far from being an ideal partner.

In my first marriage, after my husband left the military, he was doing fun work which paid nothing. I told him it wasn't fair that I was working my butt off and working overtime and not even have enough money for a decent vacation once a year. So his getting a higher paying job, even if it meant having to go back to school to learn a new trade, would solve that problem, but he refused because he was so self-centered.

Once I divorced him because of numerous reasons, what do you think he did? He went through training to achieve a better career because he could no longer live his life of leisure with his several hobbies without my salary.

So if you're not enabling him, he will either get used to other forms of transportation, or he won't want to pay the high price for that and realize he can get cognitive behavioral therapy or hypnotism therapy to harness his fear of driving.

Same with the chores. If he won't put in a fair share of work, only do your own laundry. I probably wouldn't let him manage the bills, however, because with his personality, he might get you into a giant mess. Good luck. You need it at this watershed moment. Let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You can't force him to get a license, but you can tell him you're feeling resentful, having to drive him to work, so he will have to arrange for his own transportation

Agree with this 100%.

He's perfectly capable of taking care of getting himself to work.

[Cherylyn]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

But if you do decide to remain for the time being, stop enabling him. You can't force him to get a license, but you can tell him you're feeling resentful, having to drive him to work, so he will have to arrange for his own transportation. If he tries to guilt-trip you or sulks or behaves in any negative manner, then that is further confirmation how self-centered he is, and far from being an ideal partner.

In my first marriage, after my husband left the military, he was doing fun work which paid nothing. I told him it wasn't fair that I was working my butt off and working overtime and not even have enough money for a decent vacation once a year. So his getting a higher paying job, even if it meant having to go back to school to learn a new trade, would solve that problem, but he refused because he was so self-centered.

 

I agree.  Enabling will automatically exhaust the relationship.  I wished I would've known back then what I know now but I bet everyone says that about their life.  🙄

Either accept a man for who he is warts and all or get out.  You can't have it both ways.  Either,  or.  It's the harsh reality of all relationships,  marriages,  friendships,  relationships with relatives,  in-laws and everyone. 

Any other way is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip.  See where that gets you. 😒

He's an imposition which doesn't make for a sound,  content,  harmonious relationship.   Remaining in this type of burdensome arrangement and relationship is taxing and unreasonably inconvenient for you.  ☹️

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My aunts never drove. They had kids and owned homes with their husbands. They didn't fold like blankets. Quite the opposite. They raised great kids. My mother only started driving after my dad left us. She was a terrible, frightened driver but she did it. Honestly, it was better when she didn't drive but she had no choice.

The only thing that was truly difficult for me when I was carless for the past two weeks was grocery shopping and that's because I don't own a pull cart. If I had one it would have been easy to walk to the store.

However...if your partner driving and owning a car is something you require you can date a man who does. Not a man who admits to having anxiety related to driving. 

I use my son's old stroller as a cart to go to the market -one store is 12 blocks away, the other is 10.  It's a great workout if I buy a lot pushing the stroller uphill. I get a surprising amount of comments about it from pedestrians/store employees/customers and none of them positive.  It's so odd to me - I mean it's none of their business plus I wouldn't think to comment on the number of times someone drives 10 blocks to a store just to pick up a few things.  Instead of actually getting some exercise (if there are sidewalks).  

This does relate -OP if he is unwilling to do stuff like this -buy a cart/take public transit to a store to help with groceries or literally/figuratively pull his weight in other ways other than driving - that is shirking adult responsibilities I agree but simply not driving -nope.  

[itsallgrand]

4 years is a long time so a dynamic has been formed here by both of you.

When friends of mine have complained about husbands being lazy or not pulling their weight, I always ask "why have you picked up the slack for him and allowed it?". Do you have a habit of overcompensating in relationships by bending over backwards for someone who isn't giving back and forth? What's the payoff for you - because you wouldn't do it if it wasn't doing something for you.

 

 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I use my son's old stroller as a cart to go to the market -

Well...since I haven't had a baby in my household since the very early 2000s I don't have a baby stroller 😄. But I do intend to buy a pull cart so I can just walk to the store when I just need a few things. I have reusable bags but I'm limited to what I'm physically able to carry without having a cart.

But I do agree that it's the OP's boyfriend's responsibility to secure his own transportation.

I do wonder if some people who advocate for the "what's mine is yours" mindset would have a problem with the OP not being willing to drive her boyfriend around. Would they have the same opinion if she were the one who didn't drive and was relying on her boyfriend to drive her to work? 

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Well...since I haven't had a baby in my household since the very early 2000s I don't have a baby stroller 😄. But I do intend to buy a pull cart so I can just walk to the store when I just need a few things. I have reusable bags but I'm limited to what I'm physically able to carry without having a cart.

But I do agree that it's the OP's boyfriend's responsibility to secure his own transportation.

I do wonder if some people who advocate for the "what's mine is yours" mindset would have a problem with the OP not being willing to drive her boyfriend around. Would they have the same opinion if she were the one who didn't drive and was relying on her boyfriend to drive her to work? 

I knew of a woman who moved in with a boyfriend and he would drive her to work -which was near his work -but insisted she split the gas $ (even though he had to drive then anyway).  They didn't last long lol.  I think a pull cart is a great idea - I am going to shift over to one soon as we recently bought a wheelie backpack.  My mother has used a traditional shopping cart as long as I can remember -over 50 years now.  We never drove to any grocery store.  The first time I did was with friends who lived in the burbs.  Probably in my 20s.  

I think it is more common for men to "chauffer" women around especially at night -meaning the boyfriend or spouse will pick up his female partner from work late at night or a late night event -this was especially true pre-uber when waiting for a taxi late at night or  taking public transit wasn't too safe.

[Cherylyn]

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I think it is more common for men to "chauffer" women around especially at night -meaning the boyfriend or spouse will pick up his female partner from work late at night or a late night event -this was especially true pre-uber when waiting for a taxi late at night or  taking public transit wasn't too safe.

Yes, that's true.  Uber or Lyft is an option.  Or, train,  bus, etc.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I use my son's old stroller as a cart to go to the market -one store is 12 blocks away, the other is 10.  It's a great workout if I buy a lot pushing the stroller uphill. I get a surprising amount of comments about it from pedestrians/store employees/customers and none of them positive.  It's so odd to me - I mean it's none of their business plus I wouldn't think to comment on the number of times someone drives 10 blocks to a store just to pick up a few things.  Instead of actually getting some exercise (if there are sidewalks).  

This does relate -OP if he is unwilling to do stuff like this -buy a cart/take public transit to a store to help with groceries or literally/figuratively pull his weight in other ways other than driving - that is shirking adult responsibilities I agree but simply not driving -nope.  

I agree.  A stroller works.  I've seen people push a cart and fill it with groceries.  That would work if you don't mind the weather and the distance but you do what you have to do. 

Another alternative would be a barter system for OP's boyfriend.  He can arrange to do extra shopping or errands in exchange for needing the transportation ~ not from his girlfriend though.  Once his girlfriend is no longer chauffeuring him around,  I'm sure he'll figure out how to get from Point A to Point B out of desperation and survival.  He can do it just like anyone else.  It's not the OP @stinkydogs97's responsibility to act as his chauffeur.