Boyfriend enjoys hurting me?

[kittycat200]

On the surface he's the sweetest person. Everyone loves him. But behind closed doors he likes to hurt me in ways never thought possible.

What should I do? I don't think he'll ever change for the better. He clearly knows right from wrong. The trouble is I love him too much just to disappear and he knows this. I think he's getting some sort of weird high out of abusing me then reeling me back in with sweet words. 

Also, everything that goes wrong in the relationship is some how my fault.

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, kittycat200 said:

What should I do?

Break up with him. 

[SherrySher]

26 minutes ago, kittycat200 said:

On the surface he's the sweetest person. Everyone loves him. But behind closed doors he likes to hurt me in ways never thought possible.

What should I do? I don't think he'll ever change for the better. He clearly knows right from wrong. The trouble is I love him too much just to disappear and he knows this. I think he's getting some sort of weird high out of abusing me then reeling me back in with sweet words. 

Also, everything that goes wrong in the relationship is some how my fault.

This is a very dangerous type of person. 

You say you love him too much to leave. This man is abusing you. It's not going to stop.

It's going to get worse and worse. 

It's no longer about love when abuse is involved. It's about toxic attachment.

You need to get out of there before he really hurts you badly.

[kittycat200]

 

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Break up with him. 

I tried. He has a way of making me want to to stay. Even now I'm questioning myself. Their must be a good reason for that... He can't really be that bad... are often my thoughts. 😕

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, kittycat200 said:

I tried. He has a way of making me want to to stay. Even now I'm questioning myself. Their must be a good reason for that... He can't really be that bad... are often my thoughts. 😕

Yes, and it's connected to your self-worth. 

Have you got supportive friends and family around you can confide it? If not, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to domestic abuse services in your area. They should be able to offer some guidance or connect you to some counselling to help you get out of this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kittycat200 said:

. I think he's getting some sort of weird high out of abusing me 

Sorry this is happening. Trust your instincts. Do you live together? How old is he? Please talk to trusted friends and family.  Research abusive relationships and call a domestic hotline to talk to someone.

[Coily]

This reminds me of a friend of mine, her ex husband was very similar to this; very adept at manipulating a situation to keep people stuck in his trap. Then able to be one of the most vicious  people behind closed doors. He escalated from manipulation to eventually physical abuse. She finally got the courage to leave him, and he tried for years to lure her back.

In short this guy could follow a similar pattern for you. Sometimes family and friends can't see this side, and if he's really slick he will convince some of them that it's just you exaggerating; that's what these people do.You can see this happening, but need the encouragement to find a way out. You can do this for you! Yes you'll have doubts, and he'll try to trick you back in; forewarned is fore armed to deal with this.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, kittycat200 said:

I think he's getting some sort of weird high out of abusing me then reeling me back in with sweet words. 

Also, everything that goes wrong in the relationship is some how my fault.

Its called "being an abuser". He likes abusing you but if you are not there, there is nobody to abuse. So afterward he probably swears how he loves you so you could come back so he can abuse you more. Because without you as an object of abuse, he doesnt get the kick. 

Get away from there before he makes more permanent damage or abuse becomes more violent.

[Seraphim]

You leave these kind of people behind, period, no matter what they say. 

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, kittycat200 said:

 

I tried. He has a way of making me want to to stay. Even now I'm questioning myself. Their must be a good reason for that... He can't really be that bad... are often my thoughts. 😕

I have been in your shoes. You stop falling for their tactics. Be strong/be firm, be mad, fight him off. It's simple as block/delete. Don't answer your phone, change your number if you have to. Don't be around, go into hiding. 

[catfeeder]

Contact domesticviolence.org or your local hospital for a referral to a social worker.

[Whirling D]

No one is making you do anything.  You are allowing him, almost encouraging him, to continue the behavior and exert control over you. Is that really how you want to live your life?
 

It sounds like he has mental health challenges, perhaps a personality disorder, since this kind of behavior is rampant with these kinds of disorders. Wouldn’t hurt to look up personality disorders, and attachment disorders. Perhaps you can learn a little bit more about what you are encountering, and what you are actually doing… Enmeshment with him is also a mental health challenge.

You need to heal, and there is very little likelihood that he will go along on that ride. Sometimes, it’s a ride you have to do entirely on your own.

Best of luck.

[Cherylyn]

I've known people reminiscent of your boyfriend whether male or female.  They're 2-faced.  There's a face for social settings,  the workplace and then their personal lives are train wrecks.  Beware.

A narcissist doesn't care about you or how you feel.  They're NOT empathetic types.  They're incredibly self serving, self centered and selfish. 

If they want to control the narrative and dynamic with you,  they'll love bomb you with flattery,  tell you what you want to hear,  act all sugary, syrupy sweet.  Never bite the bait.  You're onto their tricks. 

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a keeper.  It's your decision whether or not you think you can tolerate and endure being with him.  It's something to think about.  🤔

[tattoobunnie]

First they start off with grand gestures. Then, they nitpick your clothes, hair, what you eat. Then it's who you hang out with, your family. 

You are in an abusive relationship.  Please let your friends and family know what is happening.  

Then, slowly pack your things, move things over to a friend or family member slowly, then one day when he's off at work or whatever, move everything else, and don't look back.

Watch the movie, "Alice Darling".  It's not love; he just likes the control.

[SherrySher]

Abusers follow a pattern.

They are controlling, belittling, use tactics that make you feel worthless, or stupid, or that it's all your fault. 

Their anger will grow until they are name calling, putting you down even more. 

Emotional abuse and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

Once you feel beaten down, they will leave you alone.

Eventually, they will ask for forgiveness. They might even bring you presents, write messages to convince you they love you, and that it was your fault.

They will tell you they wouldn't have been that awful to you had you not pushed them to it.

They will continue to blame you for their outbursts and for the upsets.

You will feel confused because you know they are speaking down to you, name calling, making you feel belittled.

But then you will question if it really is all your fault, if maybe these things wouldn't happen if you stopped getting them mad.

You will also feel confused when they are begging for forgiveness, trying hard to show you how much they love you so you will come back. They will manipulate you, using the feelings you have for them as a way to reel you back in.

Only for them to eventually fight with you and break you down all over again.

All the above is classic abuse.

Healthy, loving relationships are NEVER like that.

It's okay to not always see eye to eye, but it should never get to a point where your partner is trying to break you down mentally and break your confidence, self esteem and self worth.

Your partner should NEVER name call, or make you feel forced, pressured, or controlled.

Blaming you for everything, and blaming you for their lack of self control with their anger, is 100% abuse.

Learn how to spot abuse.

If any of the above sounds familiar....get out!! It will only get worse until you're totally broken down.

Don't wait till that happens.

Speak to a counselor, a social worker, a crisis line, any professional, who can help you more with this.

Friends are good support if you need to vent, but you need help from a professional to work this out.

[SooSad33]

On 8/18/2023 at 4:43 AM, kittycat200 said:

What should I do? I don't think he'll ever change for the better. He clearly knows right from wrong. The trouble is I love him too much just to disappear and he knows this. I think he's getting some sort of weird high out of abusing me then reeling me back in with sweet words. 

Also, everything that goes wrong in the relationship is some how my fault.

This is awful 😞 .  So sorry you're stuck in this.

But, it's another form of HIS control.  Right, he knows very well what he is doing.  People like this are Toxic!  Meaning they are NOT good for us.

YOU need to get yourself together, now that you're aware and remove yourself totally and forever!  It's saving yourself from harm. Because this is exactly what it's doing. It is harming you 😕 .

So, you need to work yourself up to it.  You plan a day to do it.  And when you do it, you NEVER go back, no matter what he says.. Because you know exactly how he is!

And when you do walk away, do not 'give in' to his mind games. Do not bother spending 2 hours trying to defend yourself or explain yourself.. Good chance you'll just drive yourself insane, like talking to a wall.  Just don't.  You say your piece and be done!

Be strong and take care of YOU ❤️ .