Ending a comfortable 7yr relationship - post breakup advice

[heartsnspades]

I’m mainly posting to ask for advice and experiences people may have for leaving a long term relationship. I am feeling 90% confident this is the right decision for me, but of course doubt is settling in and it’s a very difficult decision I’m about to make. 

Background about my current 7 year relationship: My boyfriend and I (both 24) have been together since high school. We moved in together two years into the relationship, and have been living together since. We’ve moved twice, bought furniture together, vacation with each others families, adopted a cat, etc etc. Our lives are incredibly ingrained with each other’s, and no one else I know around my age has a relationship like mine. 

I’ve been struggling with the idea of staying in this relationship for a couple years now, and most of that struggle is in my own personal desire. My boyfriend probably is one of the best partners out there, he’s understanding and accepts me as my own person. The issues I have in our relationship are not faults on his end, but are things that clash with my deep inner independence. He’s the kind of person who’s completely content to spend the rest of days together, buy a house and start a family. He wants to give in fully and be lifelong partners, which I admire greatly. But I long for the freedom that comes without ties in a relationship. I’m really tired of having to report to someone where I’m going, having to set aside time for another person. And of course, not feeling as strongly about him as I used to. There are adventures I want to plan for myself, and the idea of having a person at home “missing me and being lonely” without me feels suffocating. But unfortunately these adventures are not something I want to share with company, I truly feel like I need to go on my own way. I simply am running out of energy to share a life with another person 24/7. 

And I can’t lie, there’s a desire to meet others. I come across many connections that fall short, because I have boundaries put up so I don’t disrespect my partner. Not always in romantic senses, but all those last minute getaways with friends or allowing myself to become comfortable around new people are going by without me. 

I know I’m outgrowing him, but when we’re together it’s so incredibly comfortable and nothing seems wrong when I spend time with him. Until lately, where the idea of my life passing before my eyes is consuming me. But the thought of breaking up, figuratively shooting my self in the foot and letting go of the comfortable lifestyle we’ve built is really scary. Our lives are so entangled that it wouldn’t just be a breakup, it’d feel like a divorce and would change my entire lifestyle. However, I’ve recently spent time away from him doing things I love and spending quality time with others and I never felt so good about myself. I felt like I was unlocking a potential within myself I never knew before. I can’t ignore the feelings of wanting to separate from him anymore, like I said it’s been brewing inside for years. I’ve accepted I think, that if I leave I may not find this again. But at a certain point I’m not going to be treating him fairly because our relationship is not my priority anymore. 

 

I’m curious if anyone has stories to share about similar experiences and what they did immediately after breaking up, how did they support themselves or how did they plan for it.

[Cherylyn]

I've never let a good one get away.  I married him,  we have two sons and live a very comfortable life in the suburbs.  🏘️

As for you,  you would actually be doing your boyfriend a favor by releasing him from the relationship so he can be free to do what he wants,  eventually choose some other lady to settle down with such as marriage and family while you do your own thing with independence and enjoy your free bird status.  No sense extending a relationship if you feel stuck where you are.  Take your wings and fly away so both of you can get what both of you want out of life ~ separately.  You'll give one of those  "it's not you,  it's me" type breakup explanations which is the truth. 

Get it over and done with.  No one enjoys being rejected but it's worse to be in a relationship when both parties are not on the same page. 

[tattoobunnie]

9 minutes ago, heartsnspades said:

I’m outgrowing him

This is enough; you are young, and should be having fun and learning about who you are, your own likes and wants and needs before you can truly ever give yourself to another.  If I had no idea what makes just me happy, I would not feel complete.  Be brave. You can love someone, but it doesn't mean they are the right one for you.  Whatever you do, don't brag on social media if you do meet someone at least for a couple of months.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, it happens.  Especially when you're this young. Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

You only being 24 and been involved w/ him for 7 years.  You're ready to venture out again, feel some freedom and spread your wings.  That's okay 🙂 .

Since you've been feeling this for a couple years, I say it's time to stop beating around the bush and be honest and make your break.

Maybe plan out all you want to say on paper, like a letter, so you won't fumble or go blank ( like I do, lol).  Plan a day, where you two can be calmly together and have a 'heart to heart'.

Look around for an apt for yourself or even rent a room off a friend, etc?  And inform him you will be packing to move out in maybe ... 2 months? ( kinda like how you do it when moving from an actual apt/home- we usually give 60 days notice).

I am just thinking along the lines of respect, not just up & out in a week - up to you.

Expect him to be hurt.  But you can't be made out to feel any 'guilt'.  Of course, I'm sure you will.  And do you have your own bank acct?  is best you do this.

Like I said, he will hurt and it's normal ( the grief process), he'll need to lean on his own family & friends for this.  As it was a LTR, so emotions will be present.

But, for sure, is best to admit how you feel & be honest.  It is your life & you know it.

Good luck!  Spread your wings again 😉 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, heartsnspades said:

  I’m not going to be treating him fairly because our relationship is not my priority anymore. 

It's difficult because you have spent most of your young adult lives together and there's nothing glaringly wrong. However you've been wrestling with this for almost the entire relationship:

 

[Batya33]

My friend’s daughter is 26, married for about 9 years now and they have 3 sons. About to buy a house - it’s being built. She’s drop dead gorgeous so is he. It’s not always age - they met when she was around 13 and he 15. She’s had and has many adventures with him - he’s a successful entrepreneur and travels all over.  But she also is barely high school educated and never had a full time job except parenting. Side hustle with an MLM short term and a couple of months baby sitting and working in an office. So if he left or heaven forbid something happened to him - she’d only have his assets. They are doing very well right now. 
my high school best friend met her person at age 15 he was 16. They married 5 years later. Right before they got engaged she had doubts and was attracted to the son of a long time family friend. They took one weekend apart.  She decided she wanted to be with her BF and they’ve been married over 35 years and very happy according to her. They’ve traveled all over the world together especially the last 5 years. 
I think it’s more likely to feel GIGS as a young person.  I felt it in my 30s as far as wanting to see who else was out during  my comfortable on and off 7 year relationship. 
my very clear advice. Do not settle. If your GIGS feeling is shaking you to the core that’s your strong sign to exit stage left and explore the world.  If it’s fleeting - I mean sure ok especially in your 20s - fleeting stuff is fine. But you feel strongly you’re missing out. You feel strongly there is the dream of someone else as Meg Ryan says in 1993 movie you’ve Got Mail (watch it. It will help you. ). 
she also ends a stagnant relationship in her 20s.  
yes you may never meet a gem of a guy again. That happened to my friend sparkler y who broke up at goei sfe with a man who wanted to marry her. Good man kind of boring.
She’s in her 50s now and she dated and dated never met anyone else. Never had a child. He got married a few years after.  

Yes. Take that risk. He’s not your good and devoted puppy you keep around. He deserves a woman who’s excited and sure to be with him. You are not. And haven’t been for a long time. I’m sorry. 

[heartsnspades]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's difficult because you have spent most of your young adult lives together and there's nothing glaringly wrong. However you've been wrestling with this for almost the entire relationship:

 

Oh my god, I remembered I posted on ENA in the past but I didn’t realize it was five years ago…. I really have been living with this for so long. Part of it is because many people in my life constantly comment on how “healthy” and “amazing” my relationship must be, because on the outside and on paper it does appear to be that way. No one really knows I struggle with wanting independence. So in a way I feel like I’ve gaslit myself into thinking this is what I should stick with because it’s easier than the break. Covid also made being in a domestic partnership really appealing…. Seeing that old post is extremely eye opening 

[heartsnspades]

48 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, it happens.  Especially when you're this young. Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

You only being 24 and been involved w/ him for 7 years.  You're ready to venture out again, feel some freedom and spread your wings.  That's okay 🙂 .

Since you've been feeling this for a couple years, I say it's time to stop beating around the bush and be honest and make your break.

Maybe plan out all you want to say on paper, like a letter, so you won't fumble or go blank ( like I do, lol).  Plan a day, where you two can be calmly together and have a 'heart to heart'.

Look around for an apt for yourself or even rent a room off a friend, etc?  And inform him you will be packing to move out in maybe ... 2 months? ( kinda like how you do it when moving from an actual apt/home- we usually give 60 days notice).

I am just thinking along the lines of respect, not just up & out in a week - up to you.

Expect him to be hurt.  But you can't be made out to feel any 'guilt'.  Of course, I'm sure you will.  And do you have your own bank acct?  is best you do this.

Like I said, he will hurt and it's normal ( the grief process), he'll need to lean on his own family & friends for this.  As it was a LTR, so emotions will be present.

But, for sure, is best to admit how you feel & be honest.  It is your life & you know it.

Good luck!  Spread your wings again 😉 

This is advice I was looking for, how to manage the time line of the breakup. I was wondering if my boyfriend would be okay with an extended deadline to leave, because I don’t want to be out of each others lives within a week either. I want to support him along with myself because this break will cause financial and stability strains on both of us. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, heartsnspades said:

Oh my god, I remembered I posted on ENA in the past but I didn’t realize it was five years ago…. I really have been living with this for so long. Part of it is because many people in my life constantly comment on how “healthy” and “amazing” my relationship must be, because on the outside and on paper it does appear to be that way. No one really knows I struggle with wanting independence. So in a way I feel like I’ve gaslit myself into thinking this is what I should stick with because it’s easier than the break. Covid also made being in a domestic partnership really appealing…. Seeing that old post is extremely eye opening 

LOL you mean you rationalized staying and settling. Many people told me at 23 when I got engaged for 5 days to Mr. Right on Paper that I was crazy to let such a good catch go.  And mostly my friends and family had the same message whenever I dated a "nice guy" - many wanted me to be "happy" as in settle down and make babies -and glossed over my "GIGs" and doubts.  I know they meant well.  But they were basically in the camp of - woman's biological clock/good figure -starts to fade so glom on to Mr. Right on Paper before it's too late. 

It almost was too late for me. 

I didn't start trying to conceive a child until I was 40.5 and by some miracle did so -and married the right person for me -at ge 42.  Not 23 which was the first time I got engaged-or age 31 when I was engaged again.  Runaway Bride.  I'm glad though -because your friends- they're not going to live with you in your home day to day while you struggle with GIGs and settling and put on a happy face.  

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, heartsnspades said:

This is advice I was looking for, how to manage the time line of the breakup. I was wondering if my boyfriend would be okay with an extended deadline to leave, because I don’t want to be out of each others lives within a week either. I want to support him along with myself because this break will cause financial and stability strains on both of us. 

Break up the romantic  relationship right away - no time line.  Separate the financial stuff/living arrangements on a time line and in a reasonable but business like way.  Don't support his emotional stability -you will be his ex and you are not his parent or therapist - let him find his way -he's an adult - you're too biased and enmeshed.

Throw money at the problem if doing so resolves the rest of the business matters faster.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, heartsnspades said:

I’m curious if anyone has stories to share about similar experiences and what they did immediately after breaking up, how did they support themselves or how did they plan for it.

I've been there, a couple times. The one that resonates most happened when I was around your age. 

We were together for 5 years, from the ages of 18 to 23. We lived together. Vacationed together. Adopted a dog together. Were part of each other's families. The whole bit. But I struggled with the same feelings you have, for about the last year or so of the relationship. I knew he was great on paper, but ultimately, I needed to grow up and move on. I knew he wasn't who I wanted to spend my life with. 

I found it very hard to pull the plug, and he was hurt. Very hurt. It wasn't a total shock to him because he knew I'd been drifting, but I think he believed it could be fixed. We'd tried. I needed to end it. I wound up staying with a kind friend (and paying my share of the rent on the place with my ex) until I could formally be taken off the lease. Fortunately, that was only a couple months. But I knew we couldn't stay under the same roof. It would have been incredibly difficult to live together as exes, especially fresh off the break-up. 

34 minutes ago, heartsnspades said:

I want to support him along with myself because this break will cause financial and stability strains on both of us. 

This is a nice idea, but I have to say, it's also not very realistic. You can't be the one to support him emotionally after you break up. It's going to be way too painful for him. You can be kind to him, of course, but it's highly unlikely he will want you around that much.  As soon as possible, you will need to make other arrangements for somewhere to stay. A friend or family member, perhaps? 

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. 

Firstly if you are leaving the relationship so you can get with some guy that you have been "talking to" please don't.  Of course eventually you can but wait and let your bf heal before as it will get back to him fast and he will be crushed even more.

 You grew up together so this will be difficult but not impossible.  Staying friends or being there for each other may be good for you but will more than likely be torture for him.  A clean break with as much compassion and patience as possible is the best solution.  Lingering on just keeps giving him hope.

  I am curious after the break up then what?  Travel the world? Leave town? Try a new career?

Lost

[boltnrun]

If you stick around "helping" him transition to life as a single person he will convince himself it's because you are reconsidering and might stay. Don't give him false hope.

I left a marriage where I'd been with him since I was a teenager so I get it. But it's a lot messier when there's a child (or children) involved. I'm glad you're not going to have to navigate that. 

I enjoy my independence. I had adventures and went where I wanted (within reason as I am a mother) and met people and had experiences. I feel I did the right thing. 

[shouldhavelearned]

As many have said, you started young and never dated a few people and now have feelings of what's out there.

Yes, he does provide and things are stagnant.

Sit down and talk with him. Practice a few times before you do. Yes, it will be emotional. See what he has to say. Maybe he has had the same thoughts.

If you break, be mindful of either one of you having sexual relations with someone else and then trying to get back together.

Get your mental part down, stay strong, and committed to what you want to do. Block out the noise, etc.

[Cherylyn]

Perhaps you outgrew him because both of you were high school sweethearts. 

I met my husband at age 20 and married at age 22.  He was 23.   We were ready and fast forward years later with 2 sons in the suburbs 🏘️,  we're still going strong which is a testament to something very special indeed.  💗  Our love endures.  My mother-in-law (MIL) and late father-in-law (FIL)'s marriage set the bar very high and worth emulating.  We've observed quite a few divorces amongst some friends,  acquaintances,  in-laws and relatives.  However,  my husband and I've succeeded and prospered.  We've done very well for ourselves and as corny and old-fashioned as it sounds,  yes,  we're very much devoted to one another.  Perhaps this is our secret to success.  🤫

Not everyone is the same though.  You should break free and do what you want.  Your advantage is being unmarried which is easier than a messy and / or quick divorce.  You don't have to navigate the legal system,  deal with courts and such.  You are able to make a clean break.   

My mother's former colleague's first marriage was to a nice, very decent guy.  At the time,  he was digging ditches.  She decided to leave him because she wanted her freedom.  Her second husband is very sickly,  ended up on dialysis,  has grown adult children from his previous marriage and she plays nursemaid.  Meanwhile,  her ex-husband rose through the ranks and currently the head honcho of a corporation.  He is married with a beautiful family.  My mother's colleague confided to my mother about her regrets and blunders but it's too late now.  She made her bed and now must lie in it.  ☹️  😒  Granted,  not all stories are the same but that's the story from my mother's former colleague.  For some people, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.    ☹️

[Kampuniform3]

Women have an hypergamous instinct, as reflected by supportive comments by the women here. There’s also a subset of women who equate normalcy with “settling”. 

However, going forward, the odds work against finding someone whose positive attributes that match those of the person already in your life, without receiving a great deal of life experience beforehand.  
 

Adding hedonic adaptation to the mix means that this recipe usually progresses towards a state of soul-searching, and regret at some point.

I would think long and hard about this before committing.

 

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

Women have an hypergamous instinct, as reflected by supportive comments by the women here. There’s also a subset of women who equate normalcy with “settling”. 

 

I agree!  My mother "settled" for my late father which proved to be a disastrous nightmare.  😭

It's a great big world out there.  Find yourself,  have freedom,  feel liberated and when you are ready,  you can delve into a relationship or relationships however way the trajectory leads you.  It will be an exciting adventure and journey for you.  🙂  Yay!  Go for it.  👌  👍

[Lambert]

it is very common in my town to marry someone from high school. And there's nothing wrong with that.   Some couples stay together and it's a nice thing.  Some look back with a world of regret or some may find 30 years down the road and grown kids, it's time to move on. 

There's no telling which bucket you'd fall into.  However,  I would bet the ones that lasted the long haul, happily, until death do they part, did so because they both really wanted that. 

It's great that he's a great guy and blah blah blah.... but I'm sure you have a lot to offer, too. To yourself.  You have to do the things that make you happy for you. 

I think the best thing you can do is slow it down. What do you want? A big part of having what you want is knowing what that is. 

Know what is important to you. that's what I would advise. And it's ok to not know.  Take a trip, sign up for a class, get your health goals in order... start there see where it takes you. 

It is sad to end things but it's also sad to stay where you don't belong. I really believe we don't miss our chances... sure one thing may not work out but life turns.... it's on us to be happy and if we're not, to change it. 

Don't look at this like it's the end.  Right now you have some things you need to focus on for yourself. you already know you're not ready to be so committed. So you have to honor that. 

Take a trip. Nothing broadens one's horizons like a new place. Start thinking about opportunities you have... maybe look into taking a class at a college or applying for a job in a new town where you have a friend or family nearby. It's not so scary to go on your own if you have someone nearby. 

 

[Kampuniform3]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree!  My mother "settled" for my late father which proved to be a disastrous nightmare.  😭

It's a great big world out there.  Find yourself,  have freedom,  feel liberated and when you are ready,  you can delve into a relationship or relationships however way the trajectory leads you.  It will be an exciting adventure and journey for you.  🙂  Yay!  Go for it.  👌  👍

Nothing like backing up an argument with an anecdotal fallacy…

Your personality is fully fledged by 7, not 24, so if you need to “find yourself” at that age, you have larger worries than just relational.

[Morello]

10 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

Women have an hypergamous instinct, as reflected by supportive comments by the women here. There’s also a subset of women who equate normalcy with “settling”. 

However, going forward, the odds work against finding someone whose positive attributes that match those of the person already in your life, without receiving a great deal of life experience beforehand.  
 

Adding hedonic adaptation to the mix means that this recipe usually progresses towards a state of soul-searching, and regret at some point.

I would think long and hard about this before committing.

 

Strong incel vibes coming from this post…

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

Take a trip. Nothing broadens one's horizons like a new place. Start thinking about opportunities you have... maybe look into taking a class at a college or applying for a job in a new town where you have a friend or family nearby. It's not so scary to go on your own if you have someone nearby. 

I highly recommend -in addition -Alain De Botton's book called The Art of Travel -it's really something -been years since I read it and it really stuck with me.

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't be the one to support him emotionally after you break up. It's going to be way too painful for him. You can be kind to him, of course, but it's highly unlikely he will want you around that much.

I agree. Pay your share financially, but give him freedom emotionally.

[heartsnspades]

Update: 

As I’ve talked to close friends, some who knew I was struggling with this and some who didn’t, I’m feeling confident I’m making the right decision and that I also have a strong support system behind me. A hard pill to swallow was that, while it seems like my boyfriend is Mr. Right and I had a “perfect” relationship, the reality is that I didn’t. I am obviously not having my needs met, and the fact that the idea of marriage to this man as never appealed to me, he’s unfortunately not the one. I’m becoming more comfortable with the uncertain future once I make the break, and  confident in my ability to handle it. 
 

thanks all!

[Andrina]

I'd suggest staying single at least a year since you need to find out more about yourself as a solo act. It should be helpful for you to write down all the tasks you need to perform to exit the relationship, from the top priority on down. Checking off each one will bring you closer to the future you want. Take care.

[Lambert]

45 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'd suggest staying single at least a year since you need to find out more about yourself as a solo act. It should be helpful for you to write down all the tasks you need to perform to exit the relationship, from the top priority on down. Checking off each one will bring you closer to the future you want. Take care.

this is good advice. it's super easy to transfer a level of trust to a new person that doesn't deserve it.