Is it a bad idea to homeschool our kids (9M, 15F) without friends on purpose?

[HomeschoolMomwithQs]

Please read the full post.

We began homeschooling our kids, “Jack” and “Jill”, when they were 6 and 12, respectively. Jack and Jill are now 9 and 15.

First off: we are NOT so-called stereotypical homeschoolers. We are secular and encourage a robust education for our children. We are lucky to also have very self-motivated children and a daughter who has taken the lead to research needed course materials and plan out her education structure as well.

We began homeschooling for one main reason: to avoid toxic socialization from the standard school system. Bullying, drug/sex peer pressure, and the general “robotification” that happens to students and flattens out their unique personalities into drones.

We have five older kids from my husband’s first marriage. I saw what happened when they hit middle/high school-aged years: they changed for the worst. Moodier, less themselves, and suddenly the bad advice of their equally-lost friends was on a pedestal above the parents who loved them most.

I'll admit it: I want my daughter to avoid the damaging encounters I went through with boys that age. I don’t want them to be encouraged into sex while still teenagers. Before he started school, my son experienced light bullying in swim classes and whatnot—I don’t want similar experiences to crush out his light.

And so, without telling them, my husband and I have lightly decided to not “socialize” our kids, per say. It doesn’t matter if they are public-schooled or homeschooled kids—bad influence can come from either one. And we figure, if they really want to meet other kids or join a club, they will ask. Neither of them have yet.

They have full, private access to the internet. We take them to movies of all ratings, have many outings around town. They can hold their own in conversations. They seem to be doing well.

My vision is that they experience a childhood where they can grow up in a flexible schooling environment that meets their needs, individual interests, and without the toxic influence that burdens so many of our childhoods. And when they’re older, say in their 20s, they can meet and bond with people with a stronger state of mind than most and less baggage in their past.

Per my browsings on the internet, I know this method is not popular. But, my question is: is it wrong?

TL;DR We are homeschooling our kids without peer socialization so they can avoid negative influences. Is it a smart idea?

[MissCanuck]

This is very likely to backfire. 

They won't be equipped to socialize in their 20s if you limit them this much now. They will be behind thier peers socially. That isn't healthy and does a disservice to them. As adults, they may indeed resent you for it. 

You really need to rethink your stance on this. 

[HomeschoolMomwithQs]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is very likely to backfire. 

They won't be equipped to socialize in their 20s if you limit them this much now. They will be behind thier peers socially. That isn't healthy and does a disservice to them. As adults, they may indeed resent you for it. 

You really need to rethink your stance on this. 

I need to explain: they're not inside the house literally all day. They converse with cashiers, tutors, other family members. Sometimes my husband and I take them to our social outings––we've been recently meeting up with two other couples from our gym for dinner and movies on the weekends––and they get along with them fine.

My reasoning is that they'll get ready for the world by having the mental/emotional freedom to invest in themselves, have their parents' guidance (and we are very open about sexual matters and whatnot) and have their full spirits intact when they face the world at 20 or so.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

they're not inside the house literally all day

I didn't imagine they were. 

But based on what you describe, they're getting inadquate socialization and won't be prepared to interact in a healthy way with their peers in their 20s. It will be too late by then. 

[Cherylyn]

My friend home schooled her children and they had social interactions with other home schooled kids,  went on outings,  field trips and they belonged to church and organized sports.  Their social life was important.  Fortunately,  their friends were good people.  Moral friends and positive role model type friends are essential for sound mental development and healthy influences.  It prepares them for adulthood and how to interact with society.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

But, my question is: is it wrong?

Yes. You are imagining that if you protect your kids until they are 20, they would avoid all the negatives of teen socialization. And that they would start stronger. But even if we imagine the world is so bleak as you say it is, do you think that world stops beeing bleak just because they are not teens? 

Tomorrow they would have to interact with that world. That world doesnt stop to exists because they are out of the school. They would have to (hopefully) live alone, get a job (some corporate jobs are worst bullying then school is) and do stuff without you protecting them. And you are sending them unprepared to that bleak world.

To me, its way better to switch cultures then to make your kids live under a bubble. You dont like Californian ultra leftie system? Go somewhere more conservative. You dont like USA system in general? Go to some other country. Socialization serves so people could aclimate to their culture and could live in it without a problems. If you dont like the culture, you are free to live somewhere else. Heck, there are people who switch cultures just for dating purposes. Let alone living arrangements. Having your kids living under a bubble but not changing culture that you dont like makes no sense. Because at the end they still need to live in that culture.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

They converse with cashiers, tutors, other family members. Sometimes my husband and I take them to our social outings––we've been recently meeting up with two other couples from our gym for dinner and movies on the weekends––and they get along with them fine.

What about experiencing those their own age?  Actual friends & experiences is so necessary. Whether challenging or positive.

Interacting with all kinds is a normal part of life.  To shelter them too much will cause problems, as it'd be something they'd be lost in, if confronted, etc.

Is fine if you want to take them to some of the functions you & your husband go to, but that's mainly for YOU.  What's for them?

Did you have friends growing up?  If so, why would you prevent them from having the same? 😕 

Kids need to interact with other kids.  It's someone else who's at their own maturity level.  Not have to constantly interact with adults.  What fun is that? lol

Is like parents who have a single child, kind of thing.  They have no playmate to experience or lean on in the home.  Just the parents - (but even those will hopefully find some friendships).

My kids met a few good friends in school, right into adult hood.  I had 2 kids join soccer and just go hang out & play at our local park or play games together etc.  It surely does do them good!

 

3 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

We began homeschooling for one main reason: to avoid toxic socialization from the standard school system. Bullying, drug/sex peer pressure, and the general “robotification” that happens to students and flattens out their unique personalities into drones.

 

Yeah, well you can't just place all kids into a bubble to live life.  Eg. how's it going to be for them, come adulthood and they know NOTHING when they come to encounter a co worker who invites them to a party?  Or they come to enjoy the company of someone who may do some sort of drug? -- are you going to be there by their side forever?  

I'm thinking the term, 'stunt their growth'.  It's a needed type of experience basically.  Without it, they'd be quite lost as they grow older.  They'd have had no interaction with other's their own age or just other kids in general.  Why you'd think of doing this to them, I have no idea.

 

3 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

My vision is that they experience a childhood where they can grow up in a flexible schooling environment that meets their needs, individual interests, and without the toxic influence that burdens so many of our childhoods

- While YOU are all stuck in these negative experiences you fear for these kids... what about all of the positives?

 

3 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

We have five older kids from my husband’s first marriage. I saw what happened when they hit middle/high school-aged years: they changed for the worst. Moodier, less themselves, and suddenly the bad advice of their equally-lost friends was on a pedestal above the parents who loved them most.

When kids hit HS, yes, their mind & body get hit with puberty and more challenges as they reach an age between childhood and adulthood. So, you can expect challenges at that age.  Expect arguments and defiance as they deal with their own uncertainties. 

' Equally lost friend'?  Well, it not everyone is 'lost', like this one may have been, as everyone makes mistakes & some will get lost along the way.  They're human & will make mistakes... We just hope they will find a decent path & not get lost down a negative trail.

Anyways, from how I see it, your experience was not nice, but it isn't always.  That's just how it is sometimes.  But doesn't mean because of that one experience you need to hide your other kids.  That's not realistic at all.

As I explained, they need to be around others their own age.  They need to be able to experience hardships and real friendships.  Not be overly sheltered due to mom's 'fears'.

Kids need to grow, learn, progress and just experience it all, and this is how they do it... by letting them be kids.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

  We are homeschooling our kids without peer socialization so they can avoid negative influences. Is it a smart idea?

You seem to think it's a good idea and heavily defend it. Are friends, family, your husband or the children questioning it? 

Have you had trouble with social workers, CPS or their pediatricians?  What is the reason you're defending this so much?

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

TL;DR We are homeschooling our kids without peer socialization so they can avoid negative influences. Is it a smart idea?

It's unconventional, but I don't think it's wrong. People can succeed in all sorts of circumstances. And let's face it--school sucks!

[Seraphim]

You can’t protect your kids forever. They will leave home one day. 

[Crawfords Wine]

By doing this, you deny them a very important part of their development. Social interactions, both positive and negative ones, teach us valuable lessons that we use on a daily basis throughout our lives in personal and professional relationships. 

 

Your approach attempts to shield them from making their own mistakes from which to learn, from which to gain resilience, from which to dust themselves off and try again. 
Guess what, it won't work.
Kis need to learn from their own mistakes, the mistakes mommy & daddy made in their youth are largely irrelevant. Different times, different circumstances, different attitudes are all factors.

Insisting on this approach, your kids are going to miss out on so much of what makes childhood and adolescence, and they will be the odd ones out when trying to make connections in their 20s.

How do you propose they manage functioning when having to share a dorm or house when they're off to college or uni? 
How do you think they'll fare playing in, or working as part of a team when they've never had to be in such an environment before?
How do you thing they'll manage the already tricky prospect of dating and relationships when you've not allowed them to dip their toes in the water in the fairly innocent environs of school & social settings? 

 

We learn our interpersonal skills from interacting with others. 
Kids these days are already struggling with the concept as a lot of their interactions are online and not face to face.
Your homeschooling proposition will make that significantly more difficult, and it will hamper them later in life.
I realise you think that interacting with a small group of family and the occasional service staff is sufficient, but those interactions are rarely spontaneous and free-flowing. In the case of service staff it's largely transactional. 

 

My take is that your intentions of making things easier for your children will haver the exact opposite effect. You'll end up making everything so much more difficult for them in the long run.

 
 

 

[Batya33]

Former elementary school teacher (many years ago), mom of 14 year old boy.  His time doing virtual school from the middle of 5th grade till 7th grade was damaging (no we didn't home school -he attended his local school virtually).  Damaging in the sense of so little socialization (because of the risks of covid) and thank goodness he had a core group of 3 really good kids -all boys -and they would zoom together daily - play video games/chat/ do homework even. 

We were home much of that time to "monitor" and the other main mom involved worked but also kept an eye such that one boy who joined was then asked to leave for bullying/inappropriate behavior.  But still - it really took a toll on my son as far as social aspects (which I am sure happened all over). Having to do so much virtually including "extracurricular."

My son has been bullied.  He's never bullied or anything like that to the absolute best of my knowledge.  He's no angel of course I just mean whatever he's done/said that wasn't a great choice was not bullying/harassing or aggressive. I am of course not happy about the bullying -I was bullied too!! - but it's also life lessons - it taught him how to defend himself (and I don't mean actually physically although he took years of aikido/karate) - how to assert himself, how to figure out who to be friends with, etc.  We are people of character and integrity and he also has that influence too from home (plus we are not religious but we follow a religion and have a community of people who also do so there's that support as well)

We had to give up on public school here post-pandemic starting with last year.  It got to that level.  But home schooling -no way.  Not for us (not judging those who do -it's quite popular where we live!) - even as a former teacher I see so many downsides to it for our family personally.  So he will attend a private school again (a new one for high school) that I believe strongly will not involve the level of bullying/harassment that he endured post-pandemic in our local public school.  And if that occurs I am confident the administration will put the kabosh on it ASAP. 

I think it is essential that our son be with his peers in a school environment.  I did not feel that way before he was 3 though -I didn't see the benefit of daycare or "preschool" before age 3 - and what I did was not "homeschooling" because to me before age 3 or 4 it's not real "school" -I was home with him but especially after age 2 made sure he was around other kids -young kids -at all sorts of activities -unstructured like playgrounds daily and a little more structured like library story time, museum art activities, occasional music classes. 

Not overscheduled but so that he could interact with other kids.  He's an only. Yes for sure downsides - teasing/some aggressive kids/being excluded/seeing how other kids lived etc - but all to me essential part of child and teen development. I really am baffled at your observation that kids ages 12-teen years get "moody" etc- I mean - isn't that typical of almost all tweens and teens?? Why blame regular schools for that to the extent you do? 

So yes your method of home schooling and your reasoning to me is doing a disservice to your kids. Is it at all abusive? No not in the least -I just think misguided and will harm them more than help in their future.  JMHO!!

[Seraphim]

Social isolation is devastating for human development . 

[Lambert]

Are you saying your children have no peer to peer contact with other children? And their 12 and 15?

this would be heartbreaking to me. I am a middle aged person and I can't tell you how much I love my childhood friends and the memories I have with them.  

No friends till 20? This is greatly stunting your children in their ability to establish relationships. they will basically be starting from zero and people they meet will be like "what the what? you're parents didn't let you have a friend?"

You can't protect your kids from bullying and the life lessons interacting with peers provide. I think your approach is well intended but flawed.

How will they know when they've found a good friend? no comparisons and benefits of life experiences to base decisions off of? 

What if they fell victim to a cult because like many who do, do so because they love the feeling of belonging.... 

It kinda reminds of the Chinese government trying to limit the population growth. they prize boys over girls.... 20 years later, no girls to be wives and mothers. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

  We are homeschooling our kids without peer socialization so they can avoid negative influences. Is it a smart idea?

Please note that social isolation can be construed as child neglect/abuse in itself but will also be a red flag for other people your children come in contact with such doctors, neighbors and people who oversee homeschooling.  While you may believe you're protecting them from the big bad world out there, child protective services may not agree with you.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Social isolation is devastating for human development . 

Also yes and don't expect them to ask - they don't drive yet and they may not know all the options.  As parents I see our job in facilitating socialization. 

Today I will tell my son - there's a pool party two days before your new school starts - and will see if he wants to go- honestly otherwise he'd have no info on opportunities to meet his new classmates before orientation.  I told him about counselor-in-training positions at local camps - he had only the vaguest idea - I tell him when I hear about other volunteer opportunities.

When he was younger -unless I'd told him about clubs/activities etc the only place he'd really hear about it was at school and since parents of course have to coordinate/sign up/transportation by the time he'd even think to mention it might be too late. 

My son had never been involved in a team sport.  He didn't want it.  In January he heard about signing up for track team.  His teacher was also the coach.  His teacher wanted him to try out, his teacher reached out to me.  I helped make it happen because my son was hesitant and nervous despite having the skills. 

I was the one who convinced him at his first track meet a month later not to give up -he was overwhelmed by how crowded it was and he'd gone without us there (because that was typical) - I was on the phone with him as cheerleader, his coach backed me up - till the last minute and .... he got first place. 

He thanked me over and over again for making him stay.  Because I didn't care if he "liked" me at that point and I wasn't there to be the all protecting mama "OMG my kid is overwhelmed by all the kids at the meet, he's afraid he'll be teased if he messes up, he's afraid of being embarassed in front of his teammates -OMG we should pick him up right now and protect him from potential embarassment!" 

I had no clue how he'd do.  (I am into fitness -I am NOT an athlete and never did a team sport).  And even if he'd literally fallen down while running or messed up - it's a life lesson and his coach would have made sure he wasn't teased. Mama shouldn't intervene and my "hovering" would have taught him he could just give up for fear of his peers not approving.  That's not real life.  The end. It was so darn hard to make him stay.  I had to.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

6 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

TL;DR We are homeschooling our kids without peer socialization so they can avoid negative influences. Is it a smart idea?

It's unconventional, but I don't think it's wrong. People can succeed in all sorts of circumstances. And let's face it--school sucks!

I missed the part about peer isolation. I do think that could be a problem. However, not necessarily. I think it comes down to the individuals. You have to pay attention and be honest about whether one or both kids are being adversely affected by this isolation. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, HomeschoolMomwithQs said:

Per my browsings on the internet, I know this method is not popular. But, my question is: is it wrong?

Was this copy/pasted from somewhere you were shut down on?

[TacticalLinguine]

I was homeschooled for a period of time. I still resent my parents for that decision. 
 

Please take into heart the above comments and rethink your decision. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I missed the part about peer isolation. I do think that could be a problem. However, not necessarily. I think it comes down to the individuals. You have to pay attention and be honest about whether one or both kids are being adversely affected by this isolation. 

From all I've seen often you don't know the harmful effects of this sort of social isolation/disruption till much later.

[Batya33]

Just now, TacticalLinguine said:

I was homeschooled for a period of time. I still resent my parents for that decision. 
 

Please take into heart the above comments and rethink your decision. 

 

Sorry I meant I was "sad" for your experience.  I really am - and I hope you're doing ok now.

I have friends who were homeschooled -one was one of 11 kids!! She's an adult now and a lovely, bright, accomplished person but I believe they also had a lot of socializing.  And - she comes from a religious Christian background so that was certainly a factor in the decision. And maybe being one of 11 kids at home was enough socializing lol (I can't imagine!).  

I have a number of friends who homeschool and many have the kids involved in weekly programs run by sort of a cooperative of parents where the kids do take classes with other kids during the school day so I can see where that might provide needed balance.

 

[Jaunty]

Homeschooling can work.

Social isolation from peers for children is harmful to the children.

You are not protecting them.  You are preventing them from learning things that can only be learned through socially interacting with peers.  

They will be very disadvantaged in situations when suddenly they are forced to navigate social environments for which they are woefully unprepared.

There are also many career paths that will be closed to them because they will never have developed certain interpersonal skills.

We did not homeschool but we had one child.  We were very aware of her deficits when it came to social skills compared to other kids with siblings.   We went to quite a bit of conscious effort to provide opportunities for her to learn how to interact with her peers.

Yes, your kids have siblings, so the circumstances are different.  Still, being able to function well in a family culture is completely different from learning how to do so in an environment populated by people from many different family - and also religious, ethnic, socio-economic, etc. backgrounds.  

Your kids will be very out of their depth when / if they join any type of work force.  

Maybe more importantly, though:  As others have mentioned, they are being deprived of friendship.  

I think that's outright cruel, and controlling to an extent that I find alarming.

 

 

[Seraphim]

My husband was very limited in social interaction by his parents even though he went to school. He was allowed no friends and not much other interaction. He is 54 and still struggles with social interaction. 

[boltnrun]

One of my friends in college was not home schooled but she was not allowed to have friends in school. When she got to college and lived in the dorm she went wild. Absolutely wild. Drinking, trying drugs, having sex with fraternity boys...she had never experienced parties or get togethers with friends so she didn't know how to say "no" to bad influences. I, on the other hand, was able to firmly and clearly say "NO" when boys tried to get me to have sex with them because I'd experienced it before. Same with drugs. I'd said no before and continued to say no. 

Please consider allowing your kids to participate in supervised social activities such as clubs, sports or group events. Also allow them to have small get togethers with fri nds at your home or a friend's home. Meet the parents first of course.

[catfeeder]

I’m in no position to call another’s conscious and concerned parenting ‘wrong,’ or ‘right,’ but would prefer to join them in defining what free thinking actually means.

 To me it would mean asking the kids about their preferences and allowing them to test what happens when they try those out, but also tapping my own discretion to a large degree.

So this combo plate would hopefully avoid the pitfalls of projecting my own fears onto my children, even while I challenge them to interact with peers in the real world.

So I’d continually offer the option of testing public or private schooling with peers, and should I get nixed on that, I’d augment my kids’ experiences with two or more external activities such as a sport, a club, scouting or community service where exposure to peer influences would be an important contribution to their development. We could monitor this together, where they share situations and I encourage them to make choices about how they want to handle it.

 Where the goals of parenting are to instill both roots and wings, the roots are rarely a problem.

Would I want to teach my kids to live only in their own head? Nope. That’s not preparation for the real world.

A parent’s job is to work themselves out of a job, not to create a spoon-feeding dependency.

Congrats on being open minded enough to ask!