Nervous for a date

[Jaunty]

47 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I was talking to a friend of mine and her husband. He says he's very similar and a go with the flow guy, so he understands this guy's actions and thought process. 

 

It's also how people who take drugs act.  

Not saying he's doing that.  Just that it's exactly how people who take drugs act.  You are aware that there is a tremendous problem with opiate and other drug  addictions among perfectly average type middle class Americans.

As far as your friend's husband - that is BS.  What you describe is not the way any man in history who is not messed up behaves if he's seriously interested in a woman he's just started dating.   Zero.

You're participating of course by being "chill" with him flaking on you more than half the time you supposedly have plans and then being comfortable with vegging on your couch most of the times he does come through.  

 

[boltnrun]

This is what happens when you want a boyfriend so badly you seize on the first guy that comes along and then tell yourself stories to justify inconsiderate and frankly deceptive behaviors.

Alex...do you seriously see this lasting long term? Or are you so overeager to have a "boyfriend" you'll put up with absolutely anything?

[Batya33]

His stomach hurt so much -but he  was able to help his friend all those hours - poof his stomach was all good so he could commit to manual labor? Last time he had a stomach ache he didn't make alternate plans with you for days (I have stomach issues - not the "same" but I sympathize to a point.....)

I cannot believe you are second guessing!! 

Go with the flow is fine as long as the person is considerate and respectful of others.  He is not.  At all. Of you -apparently he can keep plans with his friends.

[kim42]

I think I'm confused - he was feeling sick but still managed to help his friends? This story sounds fishy to me, sorry. I think I said this before, I wouldn't trust this man.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I'm confused - he was feeling sick but still managed to help his friends? This story sounds fishy to me, sorry. I think I said this before, I wouldn't trust this man.

Yes. I thought the same. I have had stomach issues that dissipate quickly and sometimes it surprises me - but what I’ve done is either stick with the plan (and maybe for example I don’t eat or don’t eat much - also I bring meds/keep hydrated etc) or if I feel better quickly see if I can salvage the plan - if he was that sick - then felt better - his first priority should have been keeping his Sunday plan with you. Not helping a friend - was that last minute too?

I bet not. He wasn’t helping with an emergency situation was he?? 

As others have commented this is a pattern. He’s not go with the flow - see how many times he changes the plan you made ? He’s not going with your flow. He flows to suit himself.  Whether it works for you or not. Whether it inconveniences you or not.  Somehow he makes party and guys night plans and camping plans in advance. Hmmmm.  There goes your flow theory. 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He's like- I know how girls think

lol never trust a guy who says this, because I assure you they do not, and a smart man knows this.  

[NighttimeNightmare]

35 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I'm confused - he was feeling sick but still managed to help his friends? This story sounds fishy to me, sorry. I think I said this before, I wouldn't trust this man.

The way I read it is, he felt sick around 10pm the night he was with her, so went home to have his constant BMs at home in private, cancelled their sleepover (but blamed it on pets).  The next day he was supposed to meet up with her after helping his friend out but cancelled on her (again)

I think this guy is full of sh*t (no pun intended), but it’s also possible for a human being to feel sick one evening, and feel ok the next day. We don’t really have to call that particular idea strange, his behavior is strange all on it’s own 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's like- I know how girls think

He clearly does not, or most of this thread would not exist. 

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Then it was almost like I was ungrateful and I did feel a bit bad

So his manipulation tactic worked. 

Alex - I implore you to wake up. This guy is not good news for you, and the sooner you realize it, the less it will hurt when it ends. Because it is definitely not going to last, and you are probably going to be the one who gets hurt. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I kept trying to get through to him how he essentially bailed on me. He just wasn't seeing it. He kept acting like he had such a hard day and he was upset by how it went as well.

 

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

and it was clear it wasn't him being mean. He genuinely felt like he did nothing wrong

Alex, I can’t with you right now 

I wish school would teach people on what abuse looks like.  Abuse has been painted as being done by people who set out with the intent to harm, but it’s not often the case

abusers rarely know they’re abusive, and would gawk at being labeled as such.  They feel they’ve done nothing wrong, they’re just protecting their turf from thr issues you have with their behavior.  Hell, in fact, abusers tend to see situations as “If anyone is the abuser it’s you,” daring to stop them from enjoying life  🙄 you’re controlling, he’s just easy going, you’re the reason there’s problems. You’re the abuser, not him.  All things I’m sure he told to his “controlling” ex wife 

 

Abusers will literally be confused as to why you take up issue with their behavior, they’re not pretending or intending to manipulate you, they truly believe they’ve done nothing wrong  So, you’ll go around and round in circles with them trying to get them to “see the light,” while they give you a myriad of excuses as to why they didn’t know/don’t understand/didn’t mean it 

 

… and you’ll walk away saying “hes a good person. I feel bad I stopped him from doing the things he enjoyed.  He didn’t mean any of this”

 

blah blah, it doesn’t f*cking matter what he meant or means or what he intended, the bottom line is that someone who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their behavior, someone who can’t see outside of their self-serving need to defend every action they have, is not a good partner.  
 

It’s actually scarier to me that he genuinely doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.   Doesn’t that scare you? That someone you’re closely engaging with doesn’t see their harmful behavior towards you as inexcusable? Instead its seen as something to defend  

 

They don’t have to be a bad person to be a bad partner.  Good people can be bad partners! 

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Part of me almost feels a little bad. He threw out how he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. And all he's been doing is trying to treat me well and make me happy. He's like- I know how girls think, you think I don't care, but I care a lot. 

Then it was almost like I was ungrateful and I did feel a bit bad. Mayne I just expect more and more and more and I never appreciate him for the good. 

Alex, don't feel bad. He's the one that is screwing with your head and sadly your heart.

I am sorry that he's lying to you and being manipulative. I'm sorry you don't have a good friend to tell you that this guy is no good for jerking you around when all you been is understanding and patient. I would never tell a good friend "oh yea, thats how guys are - they go with the flow. Bail out on you and don't say sorry. Make plans but keep changing them on a whim." No, most guys are not like that. Most people are not like that. You know why? Because most people actually care about making firm commitments and following thru. 

Please for your mental health, block this guy. He is immature and deceitful. He has a ton of issues:

1) can't prioritize

2) doesn't understand how his actions have consequences - hence, not apologetic

3) always flakey but doesn't mind sending tons of text emojis (child brain)

4) changes his mind about plans which is aggravating to other parties involve. When they change their mind so much, this help change their stories to help their narrative in whatever way they want to spin it. IT's EXTREMELY EXHAUSTING keeping track of their tales. 

5) crappy financial management (this is to his buying ton of concert tickets yet can't afford groceries for camping - do ya know how expensive concert tickets are these days?)

6) and just to be petty - the man can't even change a flat.. and if you don't have a spare, call a tow/friend to go to the shop and put a used tire on for $60 at least. used tires are not expensive but they are temporary fix.

Any way, just to reiterate, I implore you to block this guy and move on. However, I know you probably won't... So just be careful with your heart. You're already crying about this guy way too early. Step back, and put up some walls so you can stop getting sucked in by his sweet nothings because thats what it is, its all sweet NOTHING. He has done a poor job of showing you that your feelings matter and you're a priority.

 

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Mayne I just expect more and more and more and I never appreciate him for the good. 

I also wanted to point this out but forgot.

Alex, what you want is to be treated with decency and so you are not expecting more. You are expecting common decency when you make time for someone. Constantly cancelling on someone is not normal. It's unacceptable. If you're always cancelling on someone, do you think they would be satisfied with you? Of course not and it doesn't matter what the excuse/reason is for someone to keep cancelling. Because bottomline, when you keep cancelling or changing your mind on someone, it just becomes RUDE.

So please don't think for one second you are the problem here. Because you know, deep down, you are not and thats why you got emotional about it. That is your gut telling you this man is screwing with you and puts his feelings over your feelings without a blink of an eye.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was talking to a friend of mine and her husband. He says he's very similar and a go with the flow guy, so he understands this guy's actions and thought process. 

Your friends may mean well trying to console you, but chronically being stood up with lame excuses to the point you're sitting home alone crying is not because this guy is so chillax, it's because there's something wrong here you're not ready to face yet.

[Starlight925]

He's not a "go with the flow" guy.

Go with the flow is:  You want to see a romance movie, he'd prefer Game of Thrones, but he goes with the flow to see the romance movie.

It's:  You have plans to see each other, then you see that a little-known-band is playing in a dive, and he goes with the flow to see it with you.

It is NOT:  I have to help my friends, so I need to cancel last minute.  I have pets but I don't have the right bowl.  I have a tire issue so the whole day is shot.  I'm lying to you but I'm going to make a "that's how girls think" condescending comment.

No, Alex, he is most decidedly NOT go-with-the-flow.

He's flaky at best.

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So he's been telling me for weeks that when he comes home his pets have knocked over their food and water bowls. They can eat the food off the floor, but then they have no water. I saw this for myself one day while I was over his place. He said he plans on buying them a spill proof bowls soon. 

Sorry I'm so hung up about the sudden appearance of petS (plural) but I can't help myself.

Guy allegedly has a full time job.  His animals knock over their food and water bowls when he's gone.  He "plans on buying them spill proof bowls SOON"????  Evidently he has extra spending money for "camping supplies." His home must be a disaster area.  

But the point I want to get to is, if you were aware of the pets, and you make every concession for him because he's completely broke - what was the pet plan for his vacation with his family and the mysterious family camping extravaganza soon to follow?  

Pet sitters are expensive.   He can't even spring for a bowl.

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He came on Saturday around 1pm. We spent the day. Later at night around 7pm, he said how since he has to go back to his apartment anyway for the pet check, why doesn't he just stay and sleep there and then come back Sunday to have another day with me. He stayed until 10pm.

Just curious, what did you do from 1 to 10 pm on Saturday? Stayed home the whole time? 

[MrMan1983]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just curious, what did you do from 1 to 10 pm on Saturday? Stayed home the whole time? 

🛋️ 📺 

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

His animals knock over their food and water bowls when he's gone.  He "plans on buying them spill proof bowls SOON"????

I wanted to know what "spill proof bowl" is and if it is expensive since we dont have those in my country as far as I saw. So turns out they are like, 20 dollars. He doesnt have 20 dollars for the bowl? What? That is not that expensive even for my country. That guy is either irresponsible or broke. Or both.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

, we spend the day together. We, together head back to his place at night to check on his pets and give them fresh water, then we sleepover back at my place. 

 

You two live a half hour apart? Who's plan was this?  Unfortunately it seems like he had a built-in escape loop with the pet situation and had no intention of staying over. 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

. That guy is either irresponsible or broke. Or both.

I think these both have been firmly established.

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You two live a half hour apart? Who's plan was this?  Unfortunately it seems like he had a built-in escape loop with the pet situation and had no intention of staying over. 

He Could have invited you to sleep at his place… just a random suggestion…

[Alex39]

I'll be honest. My bulls*** meter went off about the pet bowl stuff. I do think that was happening with his pets, but I took it as a lame excuse. He claimed that his stomach was killing him when he came over, so he knew he shouldn't stay. But he lied and didnt tell me until later in the evening.  I told him all he had to do was tell me the truth. Who knows if the stomach thing was even a lie too. I don't know. 

He has told me his stomach hurts before. From whatever he was eating prior. I do think he has stomach issues. And then sometimes the next day he is better because the food has passed on. 

I think sometimes he is irresponsible. He reminds me of a 16 year old boy sometimes, then other times I think he fully knows what he's doing. 

I do think sometimes he doesn't want me around or bails because he loves smoking cigars and drinking with his buddies. 

But if you want a girlfriend,  you have to prioritize your girlfriend. 

[Jaunty]

Well that post is quite sensible but you seem to be pretty much OK with completely unacceptable things.  

Alex - I have posted in several of your threads.  I've often called you out for being tremendously judgmental about people you refer to as friends.

Here you are, acting quite casual about wildly poor behavior from this guy (won't call him a "man").  

Your statement at the end of the post above - you are making it sound like what's been going on is sort of "normal" but just not quite good enough.

Alex - this is wildly out of bounds for ANY type of dating situation.  All parts of it.

The only thing you get is "all day every day" texting and I guess he says nice things to you.  

That does not add up to a relationship.  

You are adding to it by enjoying a 9 hour span on your couch as a "date."   But you are all in.  HE IS NOT ALL IN.   Not even half.  I don't think that he even has one foot fully in.

  

 

[Alex39]

I think he's irresponsible and broke. 

Not a good combination. 

I'm responsible and broke. I have a lot of schooling debt. But I have a home, a solid paycheck. I don't eat out or go crazy with spending. I struggle, but don't not pay bills. I just live tight. I think a huge part of his problem is a bad budget. 

I don't think he can cook well, so he buys a lot of fast food. I buy groceries and maximize my spending. I cook in most nights. He's wasting money. 

He's getting a big check bonus from his work in a month. He's already talking about buying a motorcycle. To me, a foolish purchase. Then he talks about visiting family in Florida in November.  We're in Michigan area. 

He mentioned maybe me going with him previously. But then the other day he mentions just himself going. It's all too confusing to me. Maybe because we are so new he doesn't know? 

[Alex39]

We actually don't text much anymore. He usually calls on the phone on days we don't see each other. He's going on his one week family vacation this Saturday. He did tell me today how when he gets back, he'll have some money again, and he wants to take me out for a nice night out and meal. When he does have money, he's very giving and likes to take me out. He's been very tight these last two weeks. 

I do wonder- going back to the beginning, if some of his flighty behavior is about money. He bails because he feels he can't take me out for a meal, etc.  He bought us a pizza Saturday night. He was scrimping pennies together to buy it. I told him I didn't care, but he insisted. 

[Alex39]

His version of Saturday- I really wanted to see you, and spend time with you, and you were so happy and I just wanted to take care of you and make you happy.