Bridesmaid Duties

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Definitely.  But there is a clear difference between the way people talk about friends / loved family members when they're trash talking, and how they talk about people they actively and strongly dislike ... and feel vastly superior to.  

Anytime it's a disdainful observation of personality and characteristic traits,  it's sort of is trash talking because the person being gossiped about is put in negative light and yes, while we're at it,  there is a sense of superiority because many people say,  "Well,  I wouldn't have done that,  I wouldn't have said that or I wouldn't have acted that way, etc."  It's essentially one in the same. 

[Tinydance]

Haven't actually read all the replies but probably will later lol Well, to be honest, she may have eloped because her and her partner really wanted to get married, but it was the pandemic. There are actually usually two parts to the wedding and one part is the ceremony which is signing the papers and putting the rings on. The other part is the celebration, which in my opinion is the actual wedding. It's the actual event with the food, speeches, dancing, etc.

So to me it looks like she really wanted to get married and that's why they had what you call the "ceremony" and signed the paperwork. Now she's having the actual reception but they ended up being really far apart because of the COVID lockdowns.

You actually can't say that having the reception only now is her fault because during COVID lockdowns you weren't allowed to have any big events. I'm sure if it was allowed, she would have wanted to have both the wedding reception and ceremony together. I actually see nothing wrong with what she's doing. You can't say that because she got married just on paper that she actually had a "wedding". When you attend a wedding ceremony, you don't say to the bride and groom: "Guys don't worry about having the reception. You're now already married so you don't need it." Lol

I understand you're not attending the wedding so in that sense you probably shouldn't be a bridesmaid. But thing is usually the bride's closest friends throw her the bridal shower/bachelorette party. You are one of her closest friends so she's asking you to help with the bridal shower. That seems normal?

Also when people have a wedding, it is customary to give gifts or money. How the bride and groom spend that money isn't actually the guests' business. If they want to buy a second home then that's up to them, it's not your concern. I don't think it matters that they want to buy a second home, who cares?

People aren't supposed to come to a wedding and give nothing, that's actually rude. You're supposed to give a gift or money. So why does it matter if they already own a home. Just because they own a home, does it mean people should come to the wedding and eat their food, drink the alcohol, get a souvenir, listen to the wedding band or whatever, but give the bride and groom literally nothing? People are supposed to give them something regardless of how rich or poor they are. Even if you go to a rich people's wedding you're meant to still give them something because you're their guest and that's the etiquette.

In most of your posts it's actually you who is out of line and getting annoyed at everything. You also do actually seem jealous that your friends have a partner, have a baby or are getting married and things like that. I think that's why you get so annoyed at them and feel so bitter. That’s why you try to find fault in everything other people do, because you yourself are unhappy.

[Tinydance]

On 5/27/2023 at 7:34 AM, boltnrun said:

I don't agree with this assessment.  Most people are nice.  Really, they are.

Yes most people are actually nice and decent people. Also I think it doesn't make sense that Alex is constantly criticising every single one of her friends and they all annoyed her, yet she's still friends with them. If we don't want to be friends with someone, we don't actually have to be. But I think it doesn't make sense to keep complaining about your friends constantly. If you want to be friends with someone, you need to accept them as they are. If you can't do that then don't be friends with them.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes most people are actually nice and decent people. Also I think it doesn't make sense that Alex is constantly criticising every single one of her friends and they all annoyed her, yet she's still friends with them. If we don't want to be friends with someone, we don't actually have to be. But I think it doesn't make sense to keep complaining about your friends constantly. If you want to be friends with someone, you need to accept them as they are. If you can't do that then don't be friends with them.

I agree and I think it's fine to say "I personally wouldn't have done it this way" without disparaging.  One of my friends just left the country for 5 days to attend a fancy destination wedding.  Her 12 year old son stayed with a friend and parents for that time. No family in the area and the father is deceased.  I wouldn't have done it that way.  I respect that she felt comfortable doing so.  That's not disparaging.  When OP makes similar comments it comes across as superiority/disparaging.  

Close relatives of ours keep bringing up how I didn't invite them to my wedding which was in 2008.  They bring it up to my mom in her late 80s- started mentioning it a few years ago and now it's every couple of month -they speak about once a month.

  Each time she explains that I had 10 guests total.  And we didn't even invite the similarly situated relative on my husband's side who he is close to.  They did send me a wedding gift which was really nice and not asked for or expected by us.  Which we thanked them for.  Weddings are so often a time of judgment/opinions, etc.

I have a friend who had a bachelorette party when she married in 2007 I think. I received an email from her maid of honor that it would be around $75/person and would include drinks, a "light dinner" and a lingerie/bedroom toys kind of presentation by some salesperson.  I don't drink much, had no interest in that kind of lingerie stuff in that context so I declined. 

We attended the wedding.  We gave a gift and I went to the really boring and annoying bridal shower and gave a gift.  I didn't feel I had to "support" my friend by spending another $75 on a bachelorette. She was fine with it -not thrilled but fine that I did not go.  It's fine to have personal boundaries.

[Cherylyn]

I know about the "accept friends as they are,  lower your standards,  lower your expectations, etc" suggestions but I would take it a step further by saying I don't need to do that.  When it comes to friends,  I prefer quality vs. quantity.  It's like shopping around.  I prefer very moral friends who know how to behave honorably and use common sense.  Anything short of that,  is met with disdain and automatic rejection.  I don't even need boundaries with certain people.  I simply fade away. 

I don't believe in tolerating friends for the sake of retaining friendships because it's not a good match.  My friendships are easy and smooth.  There is no angst whatsoever which is normal and how it should be.  To me,  none of my friendships are complicated.  None of us have to act a certain way in order to retain the friendship in good standing,  be accepted by friends or a group. 

There are exceptions such as certain unavoidable local relatives and in-laws within my close geography,  unfortunately.  For protocol's sake I do the bare minimum with them which is equated with strict,  very frosty boundaries. 

I'm actually following @Lambert's great advice.  Thank you.  I do less for others,  care less and I love it because I have more time for myself,  do what I want to do,  hobbies, sports, industriousness at the home front,  focus on my immediate family and household.  I no longer drop my life for others anymore. 

[boltnrun]

I don't advocate to "lower your standards" regarding friends. Why would anyone recommend that?

I advocate for not pretending to be a friend and especially not to stand up as a bridesmaid for someone you have disdain or contempt for. 

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't advocate to "lower your standards" regarding friends. Why would anyone recommend that?

I advocate for not pretending to be a friend and especially not to stand up as a bridesmaid for someone you have disdain or contempt for. 

Because if you want to retain some friends in your life,  yes,  lower your standards meaning,  they won't act the way you expect them to.  For example,  how they speak,  how they write,  what they're willing to do for you or not and how they behave.  Lower your standards meaning accept their foibles while recognizing any good characteristic traits in them if they have any.  This is if you want to continue associating with them and if you want to feel accepted by certain friends or retain your membership of a friendship group in person,  online,  social media,  electronic correspondence or whatever. 

Fortunately, I never have to do that because I'm not that desperate for friendships and the friends I do have are very moral and honorable. 

Lowering your standards applies to friends,  colleagues,  relatives,  in-laws,  etc.  In my sphere,  I have certain unavoidable local relatives and in-laws.  Our paths cross.  There are some narcissists,  several of them have chronic, habitually warped "mouth problems," (foul language / inappropriate conversations) they lack empathy,  they're socially inept,   embarrassing,   shameful,  obnoxiously rude and it runs the gamut.  Therefore,  the  "lowering standards"  stance is alive and well.  Some of us barely tolerate each other and the only recourse is to severely limit interactions with them either in person or otherwise (electronically).  It works.  We deliberately do not see each other in person except for the bare minimum and it's the best solution for my husband,  sons and I can do which is good.  Strict,  frosty boundaries are enforced.

[Alex39]

I will address a few things: I think I have definitely outgrown some of my friends. I don't feel supported. I feel judged. I don't feel lifted up, I feel ignored.  I feel pity from them. I dont feel they understand my personality, my humor, my quirks, who I am. I don't feel they really know me, only the surface version. Because they don't ask or take the time to care. They are obsessed with dating, weddings, Engagement rings, babies. I remember even getting together years ago and for over an hour they gushed about their relationships and dream wedding venues. 

I remember thinking - don't you want to talk about work, or a new TV show, or something else ever?

I remember years ago, I showed grave concern for my friend- this bride, for dating this really bad guy. I really tried to get across that she was an amazing person and deserved more. She called me bitter and hurt because men had hurt me, and I was just projecting that onto her. But in reality, I was insanely protective of her as my good friend. She was being cheated on.  She deserved the best. I wasn't thinking of me, I was thinking of her. 

I would jump for them, and they used to for me, but now they won't anymore. This bride in particular hasn't asked me anything about my life in probably a year. It's really frustrating. I put my really good friends in high regard in my life. I think maybe too much. 

That I ignore that our friendship isn't all that great. 

Another part of my criticism is the outrageous expectations people put on others for weddings these days. I'm spending a good $400 on this wedding and I'm not even going to it. My friends don't consider that I live alone, by myself, with a tight income. I live penny to penny. My friends don't think of me. That to me, isn't a good friend. 

 

Secondly, now the bride's sister, the maid of honor has suggested we get the bride a bridesmaids joint gift together for the bridal shower. She starts going on about a gift idea she has and items she wants us to split paying for. 

I already committed to splitting gifts with a friend of mine who isn't a bridesmaid, but is a female friend invited to the wedding. This friend is also invited to the bachelorette party, but again not a bridesmaid.  My friend and I already bought some gifts. 

So I nicely said how my friend and I got gifts together for the shower and that all the bridesmaids could join in on our gift too. We could add anything they wanted to it and we could all split it. I then described the nice gifts in detail. It was similar to her idea. The maid of honor insulted me by saying- "well I'd need to see those gifts first myself, so please send me pictures of each item"

I found this ridiculous.  Like she has to approve my gift purchases. So I nicely told her how I am going to bow out of the bridesmaids gift, and stick with my friend, because I don't want to leave my friend out. 

 

She replies again, rudely " just so you know-your friend isn't a bridesmaid and is only invited to the bachelorette party. This gift would be from the bridesmaids to the bride- the bridesmaids were hand picked by the bride, and this other girl isn't a part of this. "

I am sticking with my friend. She isn't a bridesmaid. I'm not dumb. But she and I are friends nonetheless. And why should I ditch her when we had a plan to split everything? 

Weddings are beyond frustrating. I just feel like it's other people bossing you around and expecting you to hand over money with your lips closed. I'm not that person. I'm not a sheep. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

So, you need to close the door on these "friendships."

You have little in common, you don't feel valued, and you have long lists of complaints about them. What do you gain by staying friends with such people, exactly? 

At some point, you are responsible for letting go of people you deem toxic. If you won't do so, you're as much a part of the problem as they are. 

 

[Tinydance]

48 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I will address a few things: I think I have definitely outgrown some of my friends. I don't feel supported. I feel judged. I don't feel lifted up, I feel ignored.  I feel pity from them. I dont feel they understand my personality, my humor, my quirks, who I am. I don't feel they really know me, only the surface version. Because they don't ask or take the time to care. They are obsessed with dating, weddings, Engagement rings, babies. I remember even getting together years ago and for over an hour they gushed about their relationships and dream wedding venues. 

I remember thinking - don't you want to talk about work, or a new TV show, or something else ever?

I remember years ago, I showed grave concern for my friend- this bride, for dating this really bad guy. I really tried to get across that she was an amazing person and deserved more. She called me bitter and hurt because men had hurt me, and I was just projecting that onto her. But in reality, I was insanely protective of her as my good friend. She was being cheated on.  She deserved the best. I wasn't thinking of me, I was thinking of her. 

I would jump for them, and they used to for me, but now they won't anymore. This bride in particular hasn't asked me anything about my life in probably a year. It's really frustrating. I put my really good friends in high regard in my life. I think maybe too much. 

That I ignore that our friendship isn't all that great. 

Another part of my criticism is the outrageous expectations people put on others for weddings these days. I'm spending a good $400 on this wedding and I'm not even going to it. My friends don't consider that I live alone, by myself, with a tight income. I live penny to penny. My friends don't think of me. That to me, isn't a good friend. 

 

Secondly, now the bride's sister, the maid of honor has suggested we get the bride a bridesmaids joint gift together for the bridal shower. She starts going on about a gift idea she has and items she wants us to split paying for. 

I already committed to splitting gifts with a friend of mine who isn't a bridesmaid, but is a female friend invited to the wedding. This friend is also invited to the bachelorette party, but again not a bridesmaid.  My friend and I already bought some gifts. 

So I nicely said how my friend and I got gifts together for the shower and that all the bridesmaids could join in on our gift too. We could add anything they wanted to it and we could all split it. I then described the nice gifts in detail. It was similar to her idea. The maid of honor insulted me by saying- "well I'd need to see those gifts first myself, so please send me pictures of each item"

I found this ridiculous.  Like she has to approve my gift purchases. So I nicely told her how I am going to bow out of the bridesmaids gift, and stick with my friend, because I don't want to leave my friend out. 

 

She replies again, rudely " just so you know-your friend isn't a bridesmaid and is only invited to the bachelorette party. This gift would be from the bridesmaids to the bride- the bridesmaids were hand picked by the bride, and this other girl isn't a part of this. "

I am sticking with my friend. She isn't a bridesmaid. I'm not dumb. But she and I are friends nonetheless. And why should I ditch her when we had a plan to split everything? 

Weddings are beyond frustrating. I just feel like it's other people bossing you around and expecting you to hand over money with your lips closed. I'm not that person. I'm not a sheep. 

 

 

Well here are my thoughts on some of the things mentioned: 

Regarding friends. It does happen that you can drift away from friends. My personal thoughts on that are that unless the friend has done something really bad, you don't necessarily have to cut them off. You can create a bit of distance but you can still have them on social media and speak to them occasionally. At least that's what I've done with people I drifted from.

I also want to mention that I started drifting off from my best friend because she got a serious partner 15 years ago and got married, then had kids. Whereas I was only in a few two year relationships and didn't end up getting married to my ex-fiance. I only had a baby six months ago. Our life was very different because I was mostly single and child free but she had two small kids and was also working. So she was really busy. We didn't hang our as much but we still kept talking by text and on Facebook and things like that. Now that I've had a baby we actually have more to talk about. She actually invited me to her son's 6th Birthday because it was mostly people with kids who were invited.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes your friends talk about babies etc. but one day that could also be you. Then you would have more in common. Another reason why people with kids mostly talk about kids is not because they're not interested in anything else but because when you're a parent you don't really have much time to do anything else. I've said this to you before that you shouldn't take everything your friends do so personally and read something negative into everything.

Friends don't grow on trees and the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. I'm sure your friends have flaws bit everyone does and you do too. You do complain about all your friends a lot and I'm sure that at least some of these issues are actually on your end. 

For example, you were chosen by your friend as a bridesmaid. I was a bridesmaid in that best friend's wedding that I mentioned and I loved it. One of her other bridesmaids actually was being rude to me and later their friendship ended. Being a bridesmaid is an honour but you don't seem to appreciate it and just want to complain about it. Or you write things about your unhappiness with a friend's baby shower or something happened at lunch with a friend.

I think you're always missing the part that YOU HAVE FRIENDS. You have friends who consider you a good friend and include you in special invitation events like baby shower, wedding, Birthday, etc. There are people who don't even anyone to go for a coffee with, let alone be included in a wedding or being a bridesmaid. 

Yes weddings can get expensive as a guest but it's not like you go to a wedding often, right? Surely you can spend some money on your close friend as a one off?

Also I don't agree that every person who invites people to their wedding or baby shower or what not is just money oriented and trying to get material things out of the guests. Often when a bride and groom receive gift money, that money isn't even anywhere near covering the cost of the wedding. You were saying something like: "My friend just wants money etc." Hello, she is paying for people to be at her wedding. So in fact she's actually SPENDING a lot of money. Having a wedding is actually expensive.

[Tinydance]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So, you need to close the door on these "friendships."

You have little in common, you don't feel valued, and you have long lists of complaints about them. What do you gain by staying friends with such people, exactly? 

At some point, you are responsible for letting go of people you deem toxic. If you won't do so, you're as much a part of the problem as they are. 

 

Yes but if Alex did that she'd have no friends. Because she doesn't like ANY of her friends.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

They are obsessed with dating, weddings, Engagement rings, babies. I remember even getting together years ago and for over an hour they gushed about their relationships and dream wedding venues. 

And there's a risk that they will have nothing much to talk about in the future once real life sets in.  When I was home for 7 years after working full time in my career for 15 in school and in another career for years prior- I made sure I kept up on current events, read The New Yorker (what I'd been reading on and off the past 15-20 years -it's great for keeping up and having interesting things to think or talk about IMO whether in NYC or not!), and I also was very very restrained in who I talked to about -ok gushed to about -my new baby/toddler/kid -only to those who were desperate to hear every detail - meaning my parents, his parents, my sister, a few family friends and one or two close friends especially those who started much earlier than me in motherhood. 

I didn't post any photos, I didn't let others post photos and I shared photos via email with people who asked. 

Therefore I spoke of many other topics with many people ranging from work to travel to theater and whatever under the sun was going on in their lives.  I knew and I think it's kinda common sense? - that my focus on my son was because I was his mama and all those ridiculously cute things he did every minute -were likely to be totally borrrrriinnnnggg to the vast majority of the world. 

I also didn't pepper my convos with my husband with guess what Peanut did today.  He was over the moon too but I wanted a well rounded relationship and marriage. 

You can find people like me who are thrilled to be married, engaged, married parents, married dog owners and are well rounded and care about their friend's lives no matter what is going on. 

Lose the smug married types and don't buy the "well I'm at a different stage now"  -adulthood is full of different stages -new careers, new courses of study, taking care of aging parents, adopting a dog, relocating, etc and -newsflash -those who value friendships make accommodations, make it work and find common ground and adjust their schedules.  Because they're not "oh yes she was my friend when I was single but now......

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes but if Alex did that she'd have no friends. Because she doesn't like ANY of her friends.

Yes so she'd have to get out of her kitchen, get out of her head, and start putting in proactive efforts - lose all the excuses - to meet new people whether married/single/kids or no -as I wrote in my opinion about people who get this obsessed about marital and parenting statuses.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/24/2023 at 10:20 AM, Alex39 said:

 I said I cannot go to the wedding, is the minute I am no longer a bridesmaid or even a guest. 

Well if you declined, then you don't have any "bridesmaid duties".

You can continue to decline anything you can't afford. It's the sensible thing to do, even if they try to keep you in the loop somewhat by including you.

[Alex39]

This is what gets me. You say that my friend values me, and asks me to be a bridesmaid. This same friend just announced that right after her wedding, they are moving far away. I told her I am so sad and will miss her. She says things like "well it's not like we see each other a lot anyway" and "my husband and I will make new friends in this new city

I ask her to do things. She barely asks or never asks to do things together. Do whose fault is it that we don't do anything together?

So yes, I don't feel valued when your friend pretty much wants to go away and make all new friends, but I'm good enough to be a bridesmaid right now. They aren't going away for work or anything. Her husband pretty much wants to live far away on a farm. She wants to start a new life with new people. You clearly then don't value your friends nearby. 

[Alex39]

She says we barely see each other- but I literally drove all over to go wedding dress shopping with her. I was the only friend that shower up. She talks like we're barely friends and that's why she's moving and will meet new friends. But I find wedding dress shopping to be very special to do together. 

[Seraphim]

She is NOT moving because you guys barely go out. I am sorry that isnt a reason people uproot their lives. People move because they are going off to make a life with their spouse . 
 

Your world is very egocentric. You will have troubles with everyone and every friendship if you make the entirety of it about yourself and what they aren’t doing right by you. 

[Starlight925]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 You can find people like me who are thrilled to be married, engaged, married parents, married dog owners and are well rounded and care about their friend's lives no matter what is going on. 

Lose the smug married types and don't buy the "well I'm at a different stage now"  -adulthood is full of different stages -new careers, new courses of study, taking care of aging parents, adopting a dog, relocating, etc and -newsflash -those who value friendships make accommodations, make it work and find common ground and adjust their schedules.  Because they're not "oh yes she was my friend when I was single but now......

This is a great post in whole, but especially this part.

You've seen "Bridget Jones' Diary"?  About the smug marrieds lol?

Something I've realized about people, that my mom said decades ago : 

My mom once signed up to be an in-depth census taker, where you go to someone's home and take an in-depth census of the family for the U.S. Census Bureau.  She said it was the easiest job in the world, because you just ask a bunch of questions, and people's most favorite subject is themselves.

I've also learned, at parties involving small talk, how easy it is:  Just ask questions, and people will talk endlessly about themselves, and all you have to do is nod and enjoy your mini quiche.

But to find people who will ask about you, and actually listen to the answer?  Now that's a different story.  Most people ask a question so they can answer it themselves:

     How was your vacation?

     Great!  We went to Greece!

     Oh, that sounds awesome.  We went to France.  We stayed at X, we went to Y, we did Z.....

     20 minutes later, 15 mini-quiches later.....

     OK, thanks for asking.....um....

My point is, finding friends who care about us?  Whole different story than just finding a tribe.

Sounds like you're involved with a whole bunch of people who either don't have depth, or simply don't care about any depth you bring to the table.

You'll need to search around, and find your friends.  Your circle might be a whole lot smaller, but it will be more meaningful.

All this talk of bridesmaid gift, friend gift, dress, etc., will become a whole lot more meaningless when you look back on all of this in 10, 15, 20 years, and you see all the divorces, financial issues, health issues, etc., that start to occur.

For now, just look at this as a group you've been included in, and do what you think is best from a gift and participation standpoint, keeping in mind that once you've accepted being a bridesmaid, it does come with responsibilities.  

After the wedding is over, do some deep dive work within yourself:  journaling, yoga, therapy, whatever that entails, and you might find yourself with some new friends who ask a question and....let you answer it.

 

 

[Alex39]

Even recently I was trying to talk to my friends about online dating. They all met their husband's online. I was going to try it out again. They don't even answer my comments. They don't care. Because they met their person and we aren't in the same position in life. I just don't think they care. They are so enthralled in their lives. And to comment on them gushing about marriages and babies- this was all before they were engaged or married or having babies. I understand talking about babies when you have them,but they didnt. I will say, the friends that now have babies, want to talk about breastfeeding endlessly. Not my idea of great conversation. 

They would sit for hours talking about when they think their boyfriends would propose and all their hopes for their relationships and their dream weddings. I'd sit and listen, but after an hour of gushing I'd try to talk about work or vacations or something else. 

I guess I may just feel left behind. I've socked out so much money for each of their weddings. So much effort. I threw one friend a shower and spent hundreds. Now they all move on, move away, and I don't see them doing the same for me when I get married. I do feel a bit used. I just don't see the same effort given to me, now that they are settled and married. When I get married, they'll just say "Oh well now I live far away" and "Oh I'm too busy, I have a baby"

Why don't I deserve the same effort and monetary giving as I gave to them?

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Even recently I was trying to talk to my friends about online dating. They all met their husband's online. I was going to try it out again. They don't even answer my comments. They don't care. Because they met their person and we aren't in the same position in life. I just don't think they care. They are so enthralled in their lives. And to comment on them gushing about marriages and babies- this was all before they were engaged or married or having babies. I understand talking about babies when you have them,but they didnt. I will say, the friends that now have babies, want to talk about breastfeeding endlessly. Not my idea of great conversation. 

They would sit for hours talking about when they think their boyfriends would propose and all their hopes for their relationships and their dream weddings. I'd sit and listen, but after an hour of gushing I'd try to talk about work or vacations or something else. 

I guess I may just feel left behind. I've socked out so much money for each of their weddings. So much effort. I threw one friend a shower and spent hundreds. Now they all move on, move away, and I don't see them doing the same for me when I get married. I do feel a bit used. I just don't see the same effort given to me, now that they are settled and married. When I get married, they'll just say "Oh well now I live far away" and "Oh I'm too busy, I have a baby"

Why don't I deserve the same effort and monetary giving as I gave to them?

If you go into friendship asking what you are going to gain from it this is the problem. 
 

If you feel put out return everything and you don’t go and you look for other friends that are single . 

[Seraphim]

I am not even friends with my Matron of Honour anymore; we drifted apart over the years. The only people in my wedding party that are in my life is my brother and my husband’s sister . I don’t even worry about it . Life changes and people move and people drift apart . It happens. Move forward. The past is a lonely place.

[Alex39]

I think deep down it's my own insecurity. I dont not like my friends. I don't feel like I fit in with them. That I'm the sad pathetic friend still trying to date and am single. I can't relate to them. I feel they are moving on without me and I don't fit in their life. I do care about them. I do. I'm shocked and honored every time they ask me to be a bridesmaid. 

I feel like they see me as sad and pathetic. Lonely. I can't relate to mommy conversations or wedding talk. I feel like they don't care to hear about my struggles as a single woman. They can't relate. I feel uncomfortable and insecure. I admit this is my issue. 

I feel I am losing my friends, because I can't keep up in my life. I am sad my friend is moving away. I take it to heart, because I feel then that she doesn't care to be friends anymore. 

I'm not taking tabs on what they do and I do. I just feel I've given so much and I hope when it's my turn my friends want to shower me the same way. But we probably won't be in that same stage again. I'm just upset and frustrated. They've all moved on. I've moved and bought a house, so I have too. But I am alone in it all. They aren't. We just don't connect. I feel insecure, not supported, not understood. 

[Seraphim]

I kind of understand. I am at a stage in life where my child is no longer young . He is 25. I live on a military base surrounded by women with 1 million little kids that are toddlers or in grade one. They look at me like yeah yeah whatever you had a kid a million years ago you know nothing and they go back to talking to each other .  Like having a baby is different in the 90’s to the 2020’s but you know . 🙄🤣They will find out when they get older . I recently found a nice woman closer to my age who is an empty nester . We get along great. If you feel the odd man out you have to look outside of where you are . 

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Why don't I deserve the same effort and monetary giving as I gave to them?

I think that is your problem. You expect your friends to bend over backwards over you like you will for them. I had a very good friend from college. We hanged out all the time. She has very bad eyesight so I always walked her home when we go out at night. Even helped her with her graduation thesis. You usually charge that kind of stuff(I did a few of them and charged appropriately) but for her I did not charge because we were friends. She engaged and married a bit later. Do you think I was even invited for that? She said it was a small ceremony(it generally was) but saw some pics on Facebook and our other friend from college was there so how small it can be?

Did it hurt? Sure. But "Cest La Vie". You learn who your friends are through time and action. But I didnt do all those stuff for her because I expected her to "kiss my feet" or invite me to wedding. I did it because I thought we are friends. Its the stuff you do for friends. But you outright expect the same effort and monetary giving you do for them. It would be nice if you got that. But you are not entilted to that just because you did what the friends are suppose to do. Nore you can expect them to do it when its clear you have a bad opinion on them and that you are not such good friends. 

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel like they see me as sad and pathetic

I think YOU see you as sad and pathetic. And that's why you resent these "friends".

I feel bad for you because you have this low opinion of yourself despite all your accomplishments, just because you don't have a man. But by your own admission you spend every evening and weekend on the couch with your cat or with family, which doesn't provide opportunities to meet men. 

It's a good idea to get back on dating sites, but please try not to take your negative opinion of yourself along on dates. You shouldn't feel bad about where you are in life. 

BTW, I was matron of honor to my bestie and I didn't spend $400! I can't imagine what costs that much when you say you bowed out of being a bridesmaid and are not attending the wedding..