Bridesmaid Duties

[Big Stan]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I was trying to be proactive in my life.  I've been trying to get in shape amd exercise. Eat healthier. Be more social. Push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I joined a women's social group on Facebook. I even coordinated a women's happy hour meetup this Friday night. A bunch of women were going to come. I was so excited. We planned this outdoor meet up spot. 

Then Saturday, I planned a social brunch gathering at my house with my friends. 

Well now both days, it's going to be raining and both events are cancelled. I worked so hard this week on my yard, getting it looking amazing for my friends to see it. 

I'm going to be sitting alone like I always do. Depressed and destined to always be alone. I'm just so bummed out. 

Why can’t you do happy hour inside at a bar or restaurant?  Part of being social and doing things is adaptability. In fact, that’s my favorite part of doing things. I just schedule time blocks and general plans and then my friends and I play it by ear. The only exception to that is the restaurant we eat at, they are usually popular and busy and you aren’t eating there without a reservation. 
 

Other than that my plans are always fluid. It makes perfect sense to be that way assuming you have the right motivation.  My motivation is to hang out with my wife or my friends or both. Therefore it doesn’t matter what we do because it’s the company I keep that matters. 
 

Why is showing off to your friends more important than seeing them?  Why do you need to be seen as impressive?  I think that need comes from a feeling internally that you’re not enough. No matter how nice of a day or how beautiful your yard looks or how impressed your friends are that internal need to be adored isn’t going to be satisfied because only you can address that. 
 

Why are you not happy with yourself OP?  What can YOU do to change it?  Take the focus off what other people can do and focus only on things that are 100% in your control. 

[Batya33]

Alex maybe take a lesson from this anecdote - about 5-6 years ago when my friend's son was 6 or 7 she planned his bday party at the park's splash pad -now it has a website where you can confirm it is functioning/open but then it did not . We all got there - a lot of kids, parents, etc -she brought toys/pool toys/food, galore.  

And....  the splash pad is empty- water shut off. I really have never seen -especially a mom who's taken such great pains to plan the party - "pivot" - she was disappointed but she got to work getting the kids busy doing stuff in the empty splash pad with frisbees and whatever she had in her bag of tricks - and we all made sure to be positive and smiley etc - everyone had a great time.  We made the best of it.  And then some.  My son was a little older and I remember whispering to him to make the best of it so the bday boy would feel good.

This mom set the tone.  Set the tone Alex- you can do that  you know -you can pivot to inside or a restaurant as someone suggested or --- get a little wet, whatever.  

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Alex maybe take a lesson from this anecdote - about 5-6 years ago when my friend's son was 6 or 7 she planned his bday party at the park's splash pad -now it has a website where you can confirm it is functioning/open but then it did not . We all got there - a lot of kids, parents, etc -she brought toys/pool toys/food, galore.  

And....  the splash pad is empty- water shut off. I really have never seen -especially a mom who's taken such great pains to plan the party - "pivot" - she was disappointed but she got to work getting the kids busy doing stuff in the empty splash pad with frisbees and whatever she had in her bag of tricks - and we all made sure to be positive and smiley etc - everyone had a great time.  We made the best of it.  And then some.  My son was a little older and I remember whispering to him to make the best of it so the bday boy would feel good.

This mom set the tone.  Set the tone Alex- you can do that  you know -you can pivot to inside or a restaurant as someone suggested or --- get a little wet, whatever.  

Yes, exactly , pivot and set the mood. My wedding reception was supposed to be outside . It rained, so we held it inside my mom’s house. Everyone had a great time until from 1PM to 2 AM. 

[Cherylyn]

Do the wedding business stuff since you've committed to whatever you're participating in including costs incurred.  Or,  if you're so disgusted by it all,  exit the celebratory events altogether,  apologize by sending your regrets in a congratulatory postal wedding greeting card,  give a reasonable wedding gift if you're so inclined and wipe your hands clean of this.  Take Draconian measures by writing that you two are incompatible,  wish her all the best,  request no contact,   block and delete her everywhere.  Make a clean break and be done with it. 

If the above is too drastic for you,  honor your commitments and then after the wedding celebrations are over including the bachelorette party and whatnot,  reassess and reevaluate this abnormal friendship of yours.  At this time,  ask yourself if you truly want to retain this disrespectfully rude friendship or if you prefer estrangement so you can begin anew by surrounding yourself with conscientious,  very moral friends from now on. 

Take control of your life.  You do not need to endure angst.  There is a way to make your life easier. 

I no longer want to be with friends nor anyone for that matter who don't treat me well.  I tend to avoid people who are abnormal especially in an unkind, indifferent,  apathetic or cruel way.  Those types of people are narcissistic,  scary and toxic.  They do not benefit you meaning they won't make you happy, secure and at peace.  It's not that complicated. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

but God is punishing me by making me enjoy it all alone.

No. You have just wrapped up your whole identity in always being the victim that you don't know how else to navigate life's frustrations. 

 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

God is punishing me

I missed this. 

"God" is not forcing you to sit at home alone on the couch with your cat. "God" is not forcing you to spend every weekend with your mom instead of getting together with friends or going to fun events. Sure, "God" made it rain but you aren't being forced to cancel your brunch. You chose to cancel it rather than pivot to an indoor event because your plans to show off your yard fell through.  

If you are a person of faith, maybe consider that your resentment and judgmental attitude and contempt for your friends is sending negativity into the universe and it's coming back down on you. 

You can make changes. Do you choose to?

It's just so sad to see such a young person with their whole life in front of them choosing to spend it envious and bitter. 

[Alex39]

8 hours ago, Big Stan said:

Why can’t you do happy hour inside at a bar or restaurant?  Part of being social and doing things is adaptability. In fact, that’s my favorite part of doing things. I just schedule time blocks and general plans and then my friends and I play it by ear. The only exception to that is the restaurant we eat at, they are usually popular and busy and you aren’t eating there without a reservation. 
 

Other than that my plans are always fluid. It makes perfect sense to be that way assuming you have the right motivation.  My motivation is to hang out with my wife or my friends or both. Therefore it doesn’t matter what we do because it’s the company I keep that matters. 
 

Why is showing off to your friends more important than seeing them?  Why do you need to be seen as impressive?  I think that need comes from a feeling internally that you’re not enough. No matter how nice of a day or how beautiful your yard looks or how impressed your friends are that internal need to be adored isn’t going to be satisfied because only you can address that. 
 

Why are you not happy with yourself OP?  What can YOU do to change it?  Take the focus off what other people can do and focus only on things that are 100% in your control. 

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. 

Why not do it to enjoy yourself? A lot of people don't really care about that.

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

You are going to be a very unhappy person unless you lose that . 

[Cherylyn]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

Be careful because you are reminiscent of my narcissististic sister.  You are skating on thin ice.   When you make yourself the center of the universe,  you're screaming "I lack empathy!" which is a very quick way to alienate others especially those most intimately (non-physically) close to you such as family and some friends.  If you can afford to permanently lose people in your life,  continue thinking and acting like a narcissist and if you can't afford to lose certain people in you life,  then you need to dial it back and slow your roll. 

It is fine to have nice things such as a big house,  beautiful yard,  cook the best food but I wouldn't so far as to blast away on FB,  IG,  etc because it backfires as people start to lose their admiration and respect for you.  Some of them will even avoid you and fade away from your life. 

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

If you live your life in an attempt to impress others and to make them jealous you will end up feeling very empty inside.

Do you want them to be jealous of you because you're jealous of them?

Like I said before, Alex, this is no way for a young woman to live, being bitter and resentful of others.  You have the ability to change your life and to get what you way you want but it seems like you've kind of given up on that.  And are seeking unhealthy ways to compensate. Don't go down that path.

[LootieTootie]

Even if you postponed because of the rain, did you rescheduled or try to?

Also I agree with everyone about compensating for your unhappiness. 

 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Be careful because you are reminiscent of my narcissististic sister.  You are skating on thin ice.   When you make yourself the center of the universe,  you're screaming "I lack empathy!" which is a very quick way to alienate others especially those most intimately (non-physically) close to you such as family and some friends.  If you can afford to permanently lose people in your life,  continue thinking and acting like a narcissist and if you can't afford to lose certain people in you life,  then you need to dial it back and slow your roll. 

It is fine to have nice things such as a big house,  beautiful yard,  cook the best food but I wouldn't so far as to blast away on FB,  IG,  etc because it backfires as people start to lose their admiration and respect for you.  Some of them will even avoid you and fade away from your life. 

I feel this way not because I feel superior to others. It's not narcissistic. It's because I'm so down on myself, wanting to be liked, and seeking acceptance. I think from my mother's constant childhood picking at me and making me feel like I wouldn't be accepted if I wasn't perfect in how she saw fit. So I seek to be dazzling to others, in hopes that they like me, because I don't feel valuable otherwise. 

My mom, as a child and even until this day makes comments that I think affect my ability to see myself as valuable. 

Examples

"No man is going to like you when you make that dumb expression on your face"

"If you keep wearing that outfit, no wonder you don't have a man"

"No one is going to want to be your friend if you keep doing XYZ"

"You need to be like this so others think you are like...."

"You have to do it like this or else it makes you look dumb"

"Don't say that again, you sounded so ditzy"

"I saw my friends daughter doing this, so you can do it too"

"Why can't you do XYZ, like my friends son? If they can do it so can you"

ME: "Man I'm kind of hungry. HER: "No you aren't. We ate the same thing, so you aren't hungry, because I'm not"

"That's not on your diet. I'm just trying to help you."

I could go on and on and on....

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I feel this way not because I feel superior to others. It's not narcissistic. It's because I'm so down on myself, wanting to be liked, and seeking acceptance. 

Everyone wants to feel accepted.  While having the big house,  tended yards and cooking the best is good to have for yourself,  (I can't speak for everyone) most people value character and what type of human being you are.  Are you secure?  Are you humble?  Kind?  Empathetic?  They want to know your soul and what you can impart non-materially.     

If you're desiring high quality friends,  perhaps you're at the wrong place and attracting the wrong type of friends.  Try to broaden your horizons and "think outside the box" as they say.  There are a lot of nearby community groups (MeetUps?),  organizations,  clubs, perhaps your local church if you're faith based, charities and volunteerism to join.  I've met so many very great people amongst my brethren at my local church.  We broke up into various ministries and it was refreshing to be with kind,  very considerate,  unworldly types.  Try a reset and start anew.  Check online for anything that would interest you.  You need to start somewhere.  Go to people because they won't come to you.  You have to put yourself out there if you're so lonely. 

 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

Are you aware that that's an unhealthy way to value yourself?  It's all external, has nothing to do with what and who you are inside.  If you didn't have a house, yard, breakfast, etc. you would feel like nothing.  It's bogus, it's been foisted upon us by parts of our culture, don't buy into it.

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was trying to be proactive in my life.  I've been trying to get in shape amd exercise. Eat healthier. Be more social. Push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I joined a women's social group on Facebook. I even coordinated a women's happy hour meetup this Friday night. A bunch of women were going to come. I was so excited. We planned this outdoor meet up spot. 

Then Saturday, I planned a social brunch gathering at my house with my friends. 

Well now both days, it's going to be raining and both events are cancelled. I worked so hard this week on my yard, getting it looking amazing for my friends to see it. 

I'm going to be sitting alone like I always do. Depressed and destined to always be alone. I'm just so bummed out. 

But of it's at your house then can't people just be inside if it's raining? 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

You cancelled your time with friends who can't reschedule for months instead of serving them your breakfast inside your home or sharing your cocktail hour inside or under a porch? This makes absolutely no sense.

Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, your superficiality, perfectionism and hyper-critical lens likely create the perfect storm that repels people and keeps you lonely. 

I was raised by a critical Mom, and both my sister and I have turned the table and we are teaching her how to be nice in her old age. (It's pretty funny.) Undoing her critical voice in my head wasn't easy, but it was a clear cut goal that brought advantages and happiness I never could have fathomed until I did it.

I hope you'll consider embracing some imperfection and learn how to enjoy the results of that. The key word is 'enjOy.' If you really want to find love, an ability to generate and share JOY is what you'll need to bring to the table.

You can't do that when you're habitually miserable and insist on keeping yourself that way.

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was just so excited. I worked so so hard on my yard to look great. I wanted to show it off. I wanted my friends to see it.

I asked my friends about other dates. They aren't free again for months. Their lives are full of graduation parties, birthdays, bridal showers, and fun trips. And then there is loser me, who is free sitting by herself day in and day out. 

I feel like I have it all. I work hard to have a great career, work hard on my home that is nice, I have a lot, but God is punishing me by making me enjoy it all alone. And that gets old after a while. 

Career, your size, lack of boyfriend are not the problem. It's your really negative attitude.

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Do the wedding business stuff since you've committed to whatever you're participating in including costs incurred.  Or,  if you're so disgusted by it all,  exit the celebratory events altogether,  apologize by sending your regrets in a congratulatory postal wedding greeting card,  give a reasonable wedding gift if you're so inclined and wipe your hands clean of this.  Take Draconian measures by writing that you two are incompatible,  wish her all the best,  request no contact,   block and delete her everywhere.  Make a clean break and be done with it. 

If the above is too drastic for you,  honor your commitments and then after the wedding celebrations are over including the bachelorette party and whatnot,  reassess and reevaluate this abnormal friendship of yours.  At this time,  ask yourself if you truly want to retain this disrespectfully rude friendship or if you prefer estrangement so you can begin anew by surrounding yourself with conscientious,  very moral friends from now on. 

Take control of your life.  You do not need to endure angst.  There is a way to make your life easier. 

I no longer want to be with friends nor anyone for that matter who don't treat me well.  I tend to avoid people who are abnormal especially in an unkind, indifferent,  apathetic or cruel way.  Those types of people are narcissistic,  scary and toxic.  They do not benefit you meaning they won't make you happy, secure and at peace.  It's not that complicated. 

Just from what I saw from Alex's post, I don't see how her friend is narcissistic or toxic. Her friend wasn't able to have a wedding for three years due to COVID lockdowns. That's why she got married "on paper" but now she's having the actual wedding. That part to me seems very normal but Alex was saying why is her friend having a wedding and wanting gift money and acting like she's not already married? Well in the strict sense she's not already married because she never had a wedding nor received any money or gifts. 

Secondly, this friend obviously considers Alex a close friend and asked her to be bridesmaid. Then Alex was getting annoyed that though she's not going to the wedding, she has to help throw the bachelorette party. Well her friend I guess still wanted her to help because Alex is her close friend. And Alex would actually go to the bachelorette party so what's the problem to help plan it? 

On top of that, if Alex doesn't want to help then she could say she's too busy or whatever. If she's not saying anything then how is the friend meant to know Alex isn't happy to help?

I actually find basically that whole post ridiculous. She wasn't only invited to a wedding but asked to be bridesmaid and she writes this long post just judging the bride. And judging for what? Nothing basically.

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I was just so excited. I worked so so hard on my yard to look great. I wanted to show it off. I wanted my friends to see it.

I asked my friends about other dates. They aren't free again for months. Their lives are full of graduation parties, birthdays, bridal showers, and fun trips. And then there is loser me, who is free sitting by herself day in and day out. 

I feel like I have it all. I work hard to have a great career, work hard on my home that is nice, I have a lot, but God is punishing me by making me enjoy it all alone. And that gets old after a while. 

The issue is you're too materially fixated. Every post you make is about money, who is poor, who is more well off, who spends more money, who gives better gifts. Who cares?

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

Well I think you have it all wrong. Most people don't care what kind of house or backyard or job their friend has. Maybe it would matter more in regards to a partner. Unless  the friend lives in a slum, nobody really cares. People care more about the actual friendship and who their friend is and their time together. Why do you want people to be jealous of you? Because you're jealous of them?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

This is all really superficial. 

You don't value what matters most in friendships, in other words. Until you straighten out your own priorities, your friendships will continue to suffer. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want people to be wowed by me and what I have. Impress them. Wow she has the best yard, or makes the best breakfast, or has the best house. I place value on that, onto myself. I work so so hard on making my life into better homes and gardens, for example. That's what I see as wonderful. I want people to see how hard I try and be impressed, even jealous. I don't know why. 

I hope you get over that in one way or another. Why that standard -wowed?? I'd work on that as far as that need to impress to that extent.  It's just a recipe for disaster whatever you serve for breakfast. 

Also I fear you would subject someone else to that standard - you would want your child to wow others etc. (I've seen this in action on social media and in person and it's cringey!!). 

I received a heartfelt and make my day compliment from a dear friend I met 20 years ago through a forum like this one (we've met a couple of times in person -first time at her wedding many years ago!!).  She sent me this friendship meme she's been seeing and said she always thinks of me -the point was kind of "you're the friend who I can be myself with and not fear being judged" -something like that. I was bowled over.  But I don't live my life to wow others and honestly -wowing her in that way -that means more to me than any possible way I could "wow" her and certainly not with any outer trappings. 

Please please find a way to veer off that path of yours. Enjoying the Wow Factor when it comes your way sort of randomly -yes of course! We all have these milestone moments where others are wowed by our accomplishments, etc we all have those moments when someone says "wow those are the most beautiful _____ I've ever seen" or "I never had such awesome avocado toast -what is your secret???" - but -moments -not a life goal -moments -not a standard to live by.  I hope you work on this.

[Batya33]

At the risk of making it about me -Alex maybe this example will resonate with you.

When my son was around 3 - over 10 years ago- cousins of mine on a road trip came to visit.  Him, his wife and his two kids.  Kids were teenagers, very nice. They're the opposite of superficial/materialistic and have a big old house in another state I've never been to. 

I don't cook much, I don't bake much (used to do more pre-kids when I was single actually). We have a small apartment, can afford a big house, can afford a yard, a gardener whatever -and we choose not to.  I'd hate being a home owner especially of a big home.  Never lived in a private house, never care to.

I didn't feel judged at all or self conscious having them over my small apartment.  My cousin said "I have an idea -let's take a picnic to the park down the block -it's so nice out."  I'd prepared no meal -our plan was loosey goosey -I had snacks around etc. 

I at first felt really self conscious but he was so chill and he said "you know if you have tuna around or whatever - we're not picky!"  So I went into our small kitchen and got out the makings for tuna salad sandwiches.  He followed me in to chat with me and he watched me make the salad. 

At first I felt self conscious -again! - (and tired as a SAHM of a little) -and something clicked -I realized -he just wants to chat with me and his whole demeanor was of appreciation -that I was efficiently preparing a simple meal for all of us so we could head outside into the beautiful park.  And they were hungry!

So we took our foil wrapped sandwiches and bottled water, chips etc in a plain random bag and had a lovely afternoon and picnic. Martha Stewart likely would have cringed. 

And Alex if I'd been you my afternoon would have been disastrous -I'd have been so worried that I was being judged for making a good but not wow factor tuna sandwich (I do make a good tuna salad -I may have even put some avocado in it!!!) - for not having an attractive picnic basket and for not having much of a variety of drinks/chips whatever. 

We saw them also a few years ago when they came through town -huge breakfast at a local diner they suggested and he taught my son how to make a straw sculpture out of multiple straws the waiter happily supplied, delighting at how tall it was getting.

Wow Factor?? I guess -we got a lot of fun attention from neighboring diners - but seriously - if you can't be silly, if you can't throw together tuna sandwiches and sit on untended grass in a park on some fraying towels grabbed from a linen closet - if you can't just enjoy seeing people who just want to hang out and chat and watch you mash tuna and mayo together -what is life really about then?

Do you think they told others on their road trip how perfect my tuna was? How my son was so adept at crafting with straws - wow his mom must have raised him right!! - or did they just have all the feel good feels from spending time with people you can be yourself with?? 

It's actually easy to have those experiences if you're willing to do the work before to get out of your head and your notions that defy the common sense of living a good life.  

[boltnrun]

You dislike how hypercritical your mom is, yet you do the same thing to pretty much everyone in your life. Yes, you can too help it.

Alex, you're choosing this path for yourself. What I don't understand is why.