Bridesmaid Duties

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 How was your vacation?

     Great!  We went to Greece!

     Oh, that sounds awesome.  We went to France.  We stayed at X, we went to Y, we did Z.....

     20 minutes later, 15 mini-quiches later.....

     OK, thanks for asking.....um....

Here's what I do if I'm at all tempted to jump in in this manner and give "my story" even if an analogy.  First I listen without rehearsing what to say next. Second, I ask follow up questions. Follow up questions train you to stay on your friend's topic, focus on your friend.  My coworker who became my friend -we'd have lunch once a month was not the gregarious/gushy type so when she said to me once "you know you're a good listener and you ask good follow up questions!" she really made my day.  I want to be that person as much as possible. 

I also think it's fine to say "really? we also had that experience in Paris -but - tell me more -[follow up question]".  

OP - learn this and practice it especially given your telling and transparent comment about the bride moving away.  Myself, my mom and my sister all relocated shortly after marrying -mom and I for our husbands' careers (except my mom and dad moved back a few years later also for his career) and my sister to be able to afford to rent a large enough townhouse for the large family they were hoping to have.  Like I wrote above adults go through all sorts of changes and I even specifically wrote that relocation is one of them. 

Really -if you met Mr. Right and he wanted you to relocate for his career or for other important reasons and all else equal -meaning you could get a good job there etc -you wouldn't because of where your friends currently live???

I remember smug married from Bridget Jones but I'm not entirely sure if that's the first time I heard it.  But yes -you're right!!!

[Alex39]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here's what I do if I'm at all tempted to jump in in this manner and give "my story" even if an analogy.  First I listen without rehearsing what to say next. Second, I ask follow up questions. Follow up questions train you to stay on your friend's topic, focus on your friend.  My coworker who became my friend -we'd have lunch once a month was not the gregarious/gushy type so when she said to me once "you know you're a good listener and you ask good follow up questions!" she really made my day.  I want to be that person as much as possible. 

I also think it's fine to say "really? we also had that experience in Paris -but - tell me more -[follow up question]".  

OP - learn this and practice it especially given your telling and transparent comment about the bride moving away.  Myself, my mom and my sister all relocated shortly after marrying -mom and I for our husbands' careers (except my mom and dad moved back a few years later also for his career) and my sister to be able to afford to rent a large enough townhouse for the large family they were hoping to have.  Like I wrote above adults go through all sorts of changes and I even specifically wrote that relocation is one of them. 

Really -if you met Mr. Right and he wanted you to relocate for his career or for other important reasons and all else equal -meaning you could get a good job there etc -you wouldn't because of where your friends currently live???

I remember smug married from Bridget Jones but I'm not entirely sure if that's the first time I heard it.  But yes -you're right!!!

My friend isn't relocating for work. I'd understand it more, if it was a work thing. A great opportunity to prosper or grow in a job, something like that. They own a home here. They plan to rent it out. She works remotely and her husband has been unemployed for over a year. And they are buying a second home, just to start a new life. Her husband wants to grow Marijuana and shoot his guns on acres of land without anyone bothering him.  

 

She and her husband both want a new life, with new friends, and new everything and it is a bit sad to me,  because I think she is thinking the grass will be greener, but she doesn't see that me and our other friends, and her family are here, and would do anything for her and to help her. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Her husband wants to grow Marijuana

 

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

she is thinking the grass will be greener

I see what you did there 😉

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My friend isn't relocating for work. I'd understand it more, if it was a work thing. A great opportunity to prosper or grow in a job, something like that. They own a home here. They plan to rent it out. She works remotely and her husband has been unemployed for over a year. And they are buying a second home, just to start a new life. Her husband wants to grow Marijuana and shoot his guns on acres of land without anyone bothering him.  

 

She and her husband both want a new life, with new friends, and new everything and it is a bit sad to me,  because I think she is thinking the grass will be greener, but she doesn't see that me and our other friends, and her family are here, and would do anything for her and to help her. 

It's totally normal to relocate for one's family.  He is her family now.  Would you relocate for your parents if they decided to move and asked if you'd relocate and live close to them.  I bet you would. You were going to not go on a vacation because of issues finding a suitable dog sitter.

Please stop judging a woman's decision to relocate with her husband for any reason at all. It's normal.  She wants to - totally would understand if she came to you and asked for your help because she felt horribly pressured to move. She doesn't.  

 

[redswim30]

You start this post by saying you're one of her "best friends", but- are you?

You're being pretty judgmental about her personal decisions.  You don't agree, so what? 

If you stay friends with anyone for long enough, chances that you will each do things the other disagrees with from time to time are pretty strong?  So, why is this really bothering you?

I understand you disagree about the "house gifting", but again- it's their wedding- they can ask for whatever they want.  Chances of them getting a down payment from wedding money is doubtful, but honestly, lots of couples ask for cash and then put it towards whatever they want- whether you agree with their choices or not. 

Finally, if she really IS one of your best friends and being part of anything wedding related bothers you, then why not just TELL her?  You're perfectly allowed to say you don't want to participate.  Why don't you just do that if you hate it so much? 

If you really are as close as you say - she'll understand.  

[Seraphim]

It doesn’t matter WHY they want to move . They want to move so what. 
 

Personally , I would love to live away from groups of people too. 

[Big Stan]

13 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I will address a few things: I think I have definitely outgrown some of my friends. I don't feel supported. I feel judged. I don't feel lifted up, I feel ignored.  I feel pity from them. I dont feel they understand my personality, my humor, my quirks, who I am. I don't feel they really know me, only the surface version. Because they don't ask or take the time to care. They are obsessed with dating, weddings, Engagement rings, babies. I remember even getting together years ago and for over an hour they gushed about their relationships and dream wedding venues. 

I remember thinking - don't you want to talk about work, or a new TV show, or something else ever?

I remember years ago, I showed grave concern for my friend- this bride, for dating this really bad guy. I really tried to get across that she was an amazing person and deserved more. She called me bitter and hurt because men had hurt me, and I was just projecting that onto her. But in reality, I was insanely protective of her as my good friend. She was being cheated on.  She deserved the best. I wasn't thinking of me, I was thinking of her. 

I would jump for them, and they used to for me, but now they won't anymore. This bride in particular hasn't asked me anything about my life in probably a year. It's really frustrating. I put my really good friends in high regard in my life. I think maybe too much. 

That I ignore that our friendship isn't all that great. 

Another part of my criticism is the outrageous expectations people put on others for weddings these days. I'm spending a good $400 on this wedding and I'm not even going to it. My friends don't consider that I live alone, by myself, with a tight income. I live penny to penny. My friends don't think of me. That to me, isn't a good friend. 

 

Secondly, now the bride's sister, the maid of honor has suggested we get the bride a bridesmaids joint gift together for the bridal shower. She starts going on about a gift idea she has and items she wants us to split paying for. 

I already committed to splitting gifts with a friend of mine who isn't a bridesmaid, but is a female friend invited to the wedding. This friend is also invited to the bachelorette party, but again not a bridesmaid.  My friend and I already bought some gifts. 

So I nicely said how my friend and I got gifts together for the shower and that all the bridesmaids could join in on our gift too. We could add anything they wanted to it and we could all split it. I then described the nice gifts in detail. It was similar to her idea. The maid of honor insulted me by saying- "well I'd need to see those gifts first myself, so please send me pictures of each item"

I found this ridiculous.  Like she has to approve my gift purchases. So I nicely told her how I am going to bow out of the bridesmaids gift, and stick with my friend, because I don't want to leave my friend out. 

 

She replies again, rudely " just so you know-your friend isn't a bridesmaid and is only invited to the bachelorette party. This gift would be from the bridesmaids to the bride- the bridesmaids were hand picked by the bride, and this other girl isn't a part of this. "

I am sticking with my friend. She isn't a bridesmaid. I'm not dumb. But she and I are friends nonetheless. And why should I ditch her when we had a plan to split everything? 

Weddings are beyond frustrating. I just feel like it's other people bossing you around and expecting you to hand over money with your lips closed. I'm not that person. I'm not a sheep. 

 

 

You don't have to grow with your friends, often times we mature and place different priorities in different spots.  There's no good or bad in it, it just is.  This post of yours seems pretty judgmental towards your friends, and I would caution you on value based judgments based on differing interests.  Not saying you should be friends with these people, it sounds like you should bow out of this whole situation and make friends with people you have more in common with.  

What I am saying is that just because they want something different out of life than you do, families and children, doesn't make their values worse or less than yours.  It's fine for you to live your life the way you want to but it's going to cause you problems if you think that your choices or way of doing things is the default right way and anyone else is automatically wrong.  I only say this because I too used to have the same sort of viewpoints and it only makes you miserable.  

Being that closed minded and not willing to accept differences in others means you're going to miss out on some interesting perspectives and even personal growth.  So I would sit back and reflect on these friendships and see if some of the issue isn't you being a little too quick to judge before deciding to move on.  If you feel that you've just grown too far apart then by all means move on but do so with the understanding that these people aren't wrong or bad, just different. 

[boltnrun]

My best friend and I took very different paths in life. I got married fairly young and had a baby two years in. She was searching and searching for a husband and dated a few real clunkers along the way. She married in her mid 30s and had her child when my son was nearly 11 years old. She moved halfway across the country with her husband not too long after I got divorced. Ironically she is also now divorced. We don't see each other because of the distance but we communicate regularly. 

We have pretty much completely opposite political views, for example, but we have never allowed that to come between us. We just don't discuss politics. And while she was married I was the one dating clunkers! We helped one another through our divorces and our dating experiences. 

We don't do everything exactly the same. She is one of those who never leaves the house without being dressed to the nines and full makeup. I am comfortable wearing a warmup set and no makeup. I used to joke that people would think I was some homeless woman she was being kind to. She buys expensive makeup from Nordstrom. On the rare occasions I wear makeup it's from the supermarket or Target. She buys clothes at Macy's and Nordstrom. I shop at Ross or JC Penney. But none of that matters because we have been friends for a zillion years and we love each other. I don't feel contempt or disdain toward her and I have never been "frosty" toward her because there's no reason for me to be. 

My point is, you don't have to do everything exactly the same in order to be close friends. 

If you don't believe these people have your back and you disagree so strongly with the life choices they're making, why bother trying to remain friends?

[MissCanuck]

I moved to other side of the world a decade ago, and my best friends back home have remained my best friends. We are still close and talk all the time, despite being an ocean apart.

To suggest that when someone moves away that they don't value their friends is frankly a very limited view on life. People move for all sorts of reasons. You don't need to make that choice all about you and use it as another example of how you feel under-valued by the world around you. 

Because really, that's the theme in nearly all your threads. You seem to sniff out reaaons to be a victim in life, if I'm being totally blunt. 

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I will address a few things: I think I have definitely outgrown some of my friends. I don't feel supported. I feel judged. I don't feel lifted up, I feel ignored.  I feel pity from them. I dont feel they understand my personality, my humor, my quirks, who I am. I don't feel they really know me, only the surface version. Because they don't ask or take the time to care. They are obsessed with dating, weddings, Engagement rings, babies. I remember even getting together years ago and for over an hour they gushed about their relationships and dream wedding venues. 

I remember thinking - don't you want to talk about work, or a new TV show, or something else ever?

I remember years ago, I showed grave concern for my friend- this bride, for dating this really bad guy. I really tried to get across that she was an amazing person and deserved more. She called me bitter and hurt because men had hurt me, and I was just projecting that onto her. But in reality, I was insanely protective of her as my good friend. She was being cheated on.  She deserved the best. I wasn't thinking of me, I was thinking of her. 

I would jump for them, and they used to for me, but now they won't anymore. This bride in particular hasn't asked me anything about my life in probably a year. It's really frustrating. I put my really good friends in high regard in my life. I think maybe too much. 

That I ignore that our friendship isn't all that great. 

Another part of my criticism is the outrageous expectations people put on others for weddings these days. I'm spending a good $400 on this wedding and I'm not even going to it. My friends don't consider that I live alone, by myself, with a tight income. I live penny to penny. My friends don't think of me. That to me, isn't a good friend. 

 

Secondly, now the bride's sister, the maid of honor has suggested we get the bride a bridesmaids joint gift together for the bridal shower. She starts going on about a gift idea she has and items she wants us to split paying for. 

I already committed to splitting gifts with a friend of mine who isn't a bridesmaid, but is a female friend invited to the wedding. This friend is also invited to the bachelorette party, but again not a bridesmaid.  My friend and I already bought some gifts. 

So I nicely said how my friend and I got gifts together for the shower and that all the bridesmaids could join in on our gift too. We could add anything they wanted to it and we could all split it. I then described the nice gifts in detail. It was similar to her idea. The maid of honor insulted me by saying- "well I'd need to see those gifts first myself, so please send me pictures of each item"

I found this ridiculous.  Like she has to approve my gift purchases. So I nicely told her how I am going to bow out of the bridesmaids gift, and stick with my friend, because I don't want to leave my friend out. 

 

She replies again, rudely " just so you know-your friend isn't a bridesmaid and is only invited to the bachelorette party. This gift would be from the bridesmaids to the bride- the bridesmaids were hand picked by the bride, and this other girl isn't a part of this. "

I am sticking with my friend. She isn't a bridesmaid. I'm not dumb. But she and I are friends nonetheless. And why should I ditch her when we had a plan to split everything? 

Weddings are beyond frustrating. I just feel like it's other people bossing you around and expecting you to hand over money with your lips closed. I'm not that person. I'm not a sheep. 

 

 

I agree with you @Alex39.  I've outgrown some friends, too.  I've since eliminated some of my former friends from years ago.  My reasons were due to very bad character defects.  I've retained several,  very select,  precious,  local best friends.  It's normal to have phases and stages with friends.  Not every friend was meant to endure the long haul in your life. 

I'm sorry that your friends are obsessed with their own lives.  I am just as guilty of it.  I was definitely obsessed with my own life especially when I was supremely content as a newlywed,  during my childless years with my husband and we were extremely earlier in our careers.  Life is still extremely busy.  My whole world had changed.  I was so happy.  Sure,  I made time for friends but I preferred spending more time with my husband,  our house life,  our weekend trips,  time with local relatives and in-laws,  couple friends,  socialized with some of our colleagues and other friends with backyard barbecues,  potluck parties,  Super Bowl parties,  picnics at the lake or park,  housewarming parties,  attended a ton of weddings, etc.  We naturally gravitate towards those who are similar to us.  While we were in the thick of it,  we had an action packed schedule for many years. 

Then after our sons were born,  we lived such a frenetically fast paced life to the point of exhaustion at every turn.  Our schedules were jam packed with newborn care,  baby care,  preschool (several mornings a week with a newborn in tow),  school,  tons of homework / projects,  extracurricular activities,  music lessons,  organized sports,  birthday parties galore,  we have local nieces,  nephews,  cousins,  aunts,  uncles,  grandparents,  in-laws,  etc whom we spent time with, etc.  We're flying by the seat of our pants!  😲

Sure,  we squeezed in time for friends but time was limited and TV?  What's that?  I don't have time to watch TV nor sit through a 2 hour movie and if I did,  I fell asleep!  😴 💤

You are a good friend for having your friend's back when she was dating a bad guy.  I commend you.  Often times,  despite your sincere intentions,  people are blind.  They only see what they want to see and they ignore common sense because to them,  you're just merely noise.  Often times,  to them,  ignorance is bliss and consequences be ________ed.  Your heart 💗 was in the right place @Alex39.

I too tried my best to rescue people such as my cousin who married a sickly,  bad guy and she's the sole breadwinner of a household including children.  I did everything for her,  the sociopath that she is. 

I tried to be in hero mode for a neighbor who married an alcoholic.  Again,  I did a ton for her.  She took me for granted.

I've done a ton for my sister who married a jerk,  the mealy mouthed,  ungrateful,  spoiled brat that she is! 😡

I'm so sick 'n tired of being nice to people only to get burned in return.  Sure,  I'm still kind but I've since greatly reduced my former goodwill, kindness and generosity.  I prefer to devote more time,  energy and attention to myself.   Try it.  You'll feel relieved and much happier! 

$400 is a lot of money to spend on a friend's wedding especially when you're on a tight budget without a disposable income.  I think you need to pump the brakes on this friendship after this wedding business is over.  If you find socializing with some friends to be ridiculously expensive,  learn to decline and take other avenues.  A real friend is understanding of your financial situation and if they're not,  then you need let your wallet and desire or lack thereof dictate how this friendship transpires. 

There are other ways to retain friendships without breaking the bank.  For example,  if declining future expensive occasions,  don't participate.  Graciously decline.  If money is an issue,  I would have a florist deliver a reasonably priced congratulatory floral bouquet with a nice note and the finishing touch would be a gracious,  postal greeting card to express your handwritten sentiments.  It's a lot less expensive than $400.  Or, a modest gift card which can be sent online nowadays accompanied with your kind words.  This is the same for bridal showers,  baby showers,  birthday parties,  etc.  And, you don't have to pay for gifts for every occasion either.  Sending just a postal greeting card for any occasion still expresses your handwritten sentiments.  It's one-way without back 'n forth correspondence such as via text (or email / voicemail / phone chats / messages / social media).  This is what I do and it works.  Practice good diplomacy.  It can be done on a tight budget. 

If your friends criticize you for being cheap,  dump these types of selfish friends.  You don't need them.  They're a waste of your time,  energy,  resources and brain space. 

If you have the type of friends who criticize you for your choices,  show lack of interest in your life or ignorant enough not to have middle ground conversations with you,  then you have every right to pick and choose your friends wisely.  Perhaps these types of friends were not meant for you long term.  Both sides are incompatible,  outgrew each other or have fundamental characteristic / personality differences which will not mesh nor click no matter how much you wish for it to be otherwise.  

Don't stress.  Don't be with people who give you angst.  It's an adjustment but once you make choices which will benefit you,  it feels very liberating as it has been for me.  You ought to try it!  🙂

[Cherylyn]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you don't believe these people have your back and you disagree so strongly with the life choices they're making, why bother trying to remain friends?

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ This either makes or breaks all friendships and relationships.  👍

[Cherylyn]

I think it's normal to be judgemental.  Whenever my husband and I have a conversation at home,  especially from me since he's such a great listener  👂 ,  I tell him an earful 👂 if we or I've been disrespected.  It's not trash talking either.  It's disapproval for how we've been mistreated by certain local relatives and in-laws in particular.  I've told him it's a real spoiled,  entitled,  bratty, ungrateful, indifferent attitude with some of the digs dispensed in our direction after we had been so good to them by helping them,  lavishing them with expensive gifts,  gave our time and energy to them,  gave up our weekends and after work hours for them and went above and beyond the call of duty.  I've sent my husband to deliver countless home cooked meals to their doorsteps,  the whole lot and then some.  The reason why we judge is because,  we often tell ourselves:  "We wouldn't have acted that way.  We wouldn't have behaved that way.  We wouldn't have written or said that."   The affronts I can tell you would curl your toes.  🦶 This is after all we've done for them.  Therefore,  your darn right we're judgemental because whatever they've done was indeed met with disdain and disgust which is always justified. 😡

We're very complimentary with accolades if any behaviors were worth admiring which unfortunately, had been few and far between with some of our local relatives and in-laws.  ☹️  

However,  our friends and colleagues are amazing though.  Go figure.  🙄

[Type O Negative]

I don't think this thread is really about friends, friendships, related frustrations etc etc  etc. I think the OP really really wants to have a man in her life. A wedding of her own to plan. Gush about her own baby shower. She is very unhappy and resentful, she wishes she could have what her friends do seemingly so effortlessly and she starts these kinds of threads as a way to vent out the frustration. I don't blame her in the slightest- wanting a partner to share your life with is within our most basic biological structure- and I most certainly can relate because I was single at OP's age and felt exactly the way she does, minus babies - never wanted any of my own.

Alex,

I can't give you any real advise. All I can say is, you're so young still. You need to forget about what your friends do or do not do - at the end of the day they have their own lives and their partners and children will always be their top priority. 

Get out there and try to make it happen for yourself. Nothing will happen through sitting home writing on forums although I do get it can help getting the  frustration out. It'll happen  for you if you want it badly enough and are prepared to do whatever it takes.

[Batya33]

Seemingly so effortlessly. Oh gosh. It so felt that way in my 30s from my point of view with respect to certain of my friends.  Not with others. Especially not with the honest ones who told me it really wasn’t so effortless. I really thank you for phrasing it that way  -you are so so right  

 

It stung when others had no issue getting pregnant. When others met their husbands in college or grad school as if it were a darn checklist like “ok so go to high school then college.  Check.
 

During college live in dorms and do a sorority or fraternity little sister. Go to the sporting events. Go to the parties. If that doesn’t work then meet a guy at work or grad school. Ok done. School. Job. 20 something apartment with former sorority sisters.  Meet man.  
 

Get engaged after a year of dating and married a year after that. Move to suburbs with good school district for future kids. Ok all checked off. 

For some it really is just part of the larger checklist. It feels controllable like picking a school or trade or job can be.

For me it didn’t. For a number of friends it didn’t. And for other friends they told themselves it did but actually they settled. Some who settled accepted it. Some who did ended up divorcing. 

I was lucky to have several friends in my major city who took the long way around like me. My friend with two boys under 13 was complaining the other day about the overwhelming number of sporting events she’s been driving them around to. They live in the suburbs. She wrote that well it’s expected as part of being a parent. I’m a parent of a boy. I don’t expect to do that and I never have. Likely never will.  

I expect that the sport he chose this past spring at age 14 he’ll continue with and we will attend his meets as we can.

We most likely won’t live in the suburbs nor should that ever be expected. I don’t expect my friend to teach her son how to take the subway by himself and I don’t expect her to prioritize travel all over Europe and beyond with him as we get ready to take him to his 4th foreign country.

But the thing is there are people like her who have very narrow minded views of what a parent “should do” just like the OP friends seem to have very narrow minded views of what marital vows should entail - many parties and events many registries many dress codes many accessories and themes and vendors. And they dress it up as if they are “shoulds “ and expectations. What a racket.
 

OP resist please buying into that fake world of shoulds. Find people who strive to be individuals not herds of married sheep. JMHO

[Type O Negative]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Seemingly so effortlessly. Oh gosh. It so felt that way in my 30s from my point of view with respect to certain of my friends.  Not with others. Especially not with the honest ones who told me it really wasn’t so effortless. I really thank you for phrasing it that way  -you are so so right  

 

It stung when others had no issue getting pregnant. When others met their husbands in college or grad school as if it were a darn checklist like “ok so go to high school then college.  Check.
 

During college live in dorms and do a sorority or fraternity little sister. Go to the sporting events. Go to the parties. If that doesn’t work then meet a guy at work or grad school. Ok done. School. Job. 20 something apartment with former sorority sisters.  Meet man.  
 

Get engaged after a year of dating and married a year after that. Move to suburbs with good school district for future kids. Ok all checked off. 

For some it really is just part of the larger checklist. It feels controllable like picking a school or trade or job can be.

For me it didn’t. For a number of friends it didn’t. And for other friends they told themselves it did but actually they settled. Some who settled accepted it. Some who did ended up divorcing. 

I was lucky to have several friends in my major city who took the long way around like me. My friend with two boys under 13 was complaining the other day about the overwhelming number of sporting events she’s been driving them around to. They live in the suburbs. She wrote that well it’s expected as part of being a parent. I’m a parent of a boy. I don’t expect to do that and I never have. Likely never will.  

I expect that the sport he chose this past spring at age 14 he’ll continue with and we will attend his meets as we can.

We most likely won’t live in the suburbs nor should that ever be expected. I don’t expect my friend to teach her son how to take the subway by himself and I don’t expect her to prioritize travel all over Europe and beyond with him as we get ready to take him to his 4th foreign country.

But the thing is there are people like her who have very narrow minded views of what a parent “should do” just like the OP friends seem to have very narrow minded views of what marital vows should entail - many parties and events many registries many dress codes many accessories and themes and vendors. And they dress it up as if they are “shoulds “ and expectations. What a racket.
 

OP resist please buying into that fake world of shoulds. Find people who strive to be individuals not herds of married sheep. JMHO

She's not buying into fake worlds of shoulds. She just wants a partner to share life with, and a baby.  Your post doesn't make much sense to me, sorry. 

[Tinydance]

Alex I want to point out though that it's actually normal to talk about things you're excited about or are important to you. For example, you wrote some posts how you had a crush on your colleague's son. That's because it's important to you to date and find someone special.

I understand about having a different lifestyle, e.g. married/not married, kids/no kids. I know there are also people who tend to only talk about one topic all the time and that can get boring and repetitive. However let's just say someone is married and they talk about their wedding, baby shower, etc. Maybe they're not doing it to seem superior to you or whatever but they're just excited about their wedding or baby and things like that.

Just because you're jealous of them or insecure doesn't mean they're up themselves or don't care about other people. There is actually a difference between being jealous of your friends and judging them out of jealousy. I think in your case it really seems to be your jealousy.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

She's not buying into fake worlds of shoulds. She just wants a partner to share life with, and a baby.  Your post doesn't make much sense to me, sorry. 

If you read Alex's other posts you can get a lot of backstory and some of the comments should make more sense.

[Type O Negative]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

If you read Alex's other posts you can get a lot of backstory and some of the comments should make more sense.

I read most of her posts - they're all a smokescreen for the fact that she badly  wants a family of her own and hates the world because it hasn't happened for her and there's no one promising on the horizon. 

[Cherylyn]

25 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

She's not buying into fake worlds of shoulds. She just wants a partner to share life with, and a baby.  Your post doesn't make much sense to me, sorry. 

I agree it's not about shoulds.  It's about jealousy,  envy and / or insecurities.  Everyone does what they want,  how they want.  It's:  You do you,  I'll do me. 🙂 To each his or her own.  It's a free country.  We do what makes us happy and who cares what other people do?  Who cares how other people raise their children,  if they reside in the suburbs,  how they parent and how their kids are?  It doesn't matter.  Funny,   how I've never  heard criticisms in real life or in person to my actual face nor to my sons;  just online on social media,  haha.  Hmm,  wonder why that is so?  Cowardice?  🙄

@Alex39  You're young and have the whole world ahead of you.  You'll relate better to those who share similar stages in life.  It's universal.  For those who are at different phases in their lives,  they'll find common ground and include you in a proper way if you weed out the bad apples to get there. 

I have some local friends and we relate on different levels.  My best friend is similar to me,  happily married with sons in the suburbs.  We shop and dine out almost all day because we can once a month or every other month schedules permitting.  Or,  husbands join us sometimes for various outings. 

My other friend is a recent widow and childless.  She's a dear friend, too albeit not having a lot in common but precious nonetheless.  We meet for lunch sometimes.  We discuss topics other than our differences which works well.  There is a humanness to life which many people can relate to so we talk about that instead.  Her time is more limited than mine due to her 3 dogs at her house.

There is a happy medium with friends if empathy exists.  If mutual emotional intelligence is lacking,  it won't work.  ☹️  This applies to anyone and everyone in life. 

 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

She's not buying into fake worlds of shoulds. She just wants a partner to share life with, and a baby.  Your post doesn't make much sense to me, sorry. 

We can agree to disagree!  I respect your opinion.  

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

We can agree to disagree!  I respect your opinion.  

Classy answer @Batya33 👍

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

I read most of her posts - they're all a smokescreen for the fact that she badly  wants a family of her own and hates the world because it hasn't happened for her and there's no one promising on the horizon. 

I think she has preconceived notions about how it's supposed to be and also unrealistic beliefs about how to help make it happen despite no guarantees.  And she wants all the outer trappings too which further complicates her jealousy and perspective. I've given her many suggestions on how to change her behaviors and choices in order to increase the chances of meeting suitable men.  Others have too.  Some of them she's taken seriously and she's mentioned a couple of things she's done . But her uber focus on the outer stuff to me is the OP making it harder than it needs to be to increase her chances of meeting the right guy.

I've seen her make several choices regarding men that to me point to the lady doth protest too much -her words say she so badly wants to meet the one and marry.  Her actions are often quite inconsistent with what she claims to want.  I have a lot of hope for her that she will find her way and stop getting in her own way.

Again I totally respect your opinion.  

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she has preconceived notions about how it's supposed to be and also unrealistic beliefs about how to help make it happen despite no guarantees.  And she wants all the outer trappings too which further complicates her jealousy and perspective. I've given her many suggestions on how to change her behaviors and choices in order to increase the chances of meeting suitable men.  Others have too.  Some of them she's taken seriously and she's mentioned a couple of things she's done . But her uber focus on the outer stuff to me is the OP making it harder than it needs to be to increase her chances of meeting the right guy.

I've seen her make several choices regarding men that to me point to the lady doth protest too much -her words say she so badly wants to meet the one and marry.  Her actions are often quite inconsistent with what she claims to want.  I have a lot of hope for her that she will find her way and stop getting in her own way.

Again I totally respect your opinion.  

I actually agree, and from my experience and friends' experience that it's really hard to find someone these days. I'm not sure if it's like a dating app/social media mentality where people always keep thinking there's someone better out there.

I got the impression that when my parents were young it was a lot easier. My parents met when they were 19 and 21 and they got engaged and married pretty quickly. That might have been because they couldn't go on dating apps and see if they could "get someone better" lol

But even though it's hard I'm sure the people who found someone actually made the effort. They got out there and put themselves in appropriate situations and Alex isn't doing that. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually agree, and from my experience and friends' experience that it's really hard to find someone these days. I'm not sure if it's like a dating app/social media mentality where people always keep thinking there's someone better out there.

I got the impression that when my parents were young it was a lot easier. My parents met when they were 19 and 21 and they got engaged and married pretty quickly. That might have been because they couldn't go on dating apps and see if they could "get someone better" lol

But even though it's hard I'm sure the people who found someone actually made the effort. They got out there and put themselves in appropriate situations and Alex isn't doing that. 

It was so hard for me and GIGs was incredibly alive and well in the 80s and 90s - at least in my world in a major city where you could go to various clubs/bars/singles events nightly and there were many singles to choose from in those venues - and of course a huge focus on physical features and "visual" just like with the apps.  Also we had personal ads.  I met a fiancee through one and friends met their spouses.  I knew of people for whom it was "easier" -my best friend in high school -they met as teenagers -got married in 1987 - I was maid of honor and from all I know and can see they're still so happy together. 

My friend's daughter met her husband when she was about 13 and she's now 26, married with kids and so happy.  Didn't date anyone else.

I know of several 20 somethings and early 30s who had an easy time of it and just as many who didn't, some used online apps etc and some did not.  My mom and dad met when they were 16 and 19 at a party.  Married 62 years until my father passed away.

Three things increased my chances a lot in my 30s - all of a sudden much better hair products/appliances for ridiculously frizzy hair (I now wear it curly again but back then somehow that Jennifer Anniston look was prized above all else LOL).  And -seriously-I stopped getting in my own darn way. 

From the time I was 19 or earlier I'd been out there, proactive, in all the appropriate situations to meet suitable men so dating sites was just an add on when those became available and popular. I believe I used them from about 1999 or so till 2005. 

Also where I did my dating and when I did my dating being slim and fit greatly increased a woman's chances of finding a suitable guy - guys could be overweight LOL.  It's not fair or right -I'm describing the reality of what I saw and heard for I'd say 15 of the years I dated.  I also know of several women who were not slim or fit who met amazing SOs/spouses but in the dating scene and especially when dating sites became popular it sure did make it easier.

Again I see that Alex has ventured out or at least considered it and is not totally negative on the need to do so -she gives it lip service.  Just from the things she has done and refers to I am hopeful she'll have that aha moment, that epiphany -and get out there in the appropriate way.

[boltnrun]

I don't know if I'd call it jealousy. Jealousy is such an ugly word. I'd call it envy with a strong touch of wistfulness.

I remember when my son was born and my bestie came to see us in the hospital. My husband and I were in the process of getting him ready to take home. I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked both happy for me and a bit sad because that scene was everything she'd always said she wanted. To be married and a mother. Ironically I was the one who always said I never wanted to get married and didn't want to be a mom until I was in my 30s. And there I was, barely old enough to buy a beer and already a wife and mother. And there she was, unhappily single. 

I don't believe for a second she was jealous of me. She was genuinely happy for me. But she still badly wanted those things for herself too. And knowing her, she probably felt guilty for feeling a tinge of envy. Because she's a sweet and moral person. 

And by all accounts she never badmouthed me or spoke of me with disdain or contempt. And she definitely was never "frosty" toward me. She even asked me to be her matron of honor (and she had been MY maid of honor). We are legitimate friends who love one another. 

I can't fathom agreeing to be a bridesmaid for someone I felt disdain toward or who I felt was a bad friend, or whose life choices were in direct conflict with my values. Disagree with, sure. But badmouth and feel contempt toward? Nope.