Bridesmaid Duties

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Most people disparage each other behind each others backs.   It all happens behind closed doors.  People talk or write which is universal.

Also,  electronically,  online,  social media,  cell phones,  texts,  messages,  emails,  voicemails,  phone chats,  in person,  public,  confidentially or privately.  It happens all the time.  😐

I don't agree with this assessment.  Most people are nice.  Really, they are.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't agree with this assessment.  Most people are nice.  Really, they are.

Yup. Same. 

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't agree with this assessment.  Most people are nice.  Really, they are.

I would be naive to think that but ok for you.  It's a mixed bag.   People are people wherever they are and behind closed doors or otherwise (electronically),  people say what they wish. 

It's ok for you not to agree with my assessment.  I respect that.  I'm basing upon my experience with people from all walks of life,  good,  bad and indifferent.  I've been everywhere,  seen and heard it all.  🥴  Even from "really nice people."   Really. 

[Seraphim]

There is a difference between having an occasional b*tch fest about someone and having something to say about EVERYONE. One is a person who is occasionally irritated. The other is a very unhappy person.

[Cherylyn]

I have comments to say about most people in my life.  If they're admirable,  I'll pay homage to them.  Most definitely because some people are praiseworthy.  Then there are those who test others sorely and they're met with disdain and frost. 

[catfeeder]

I'm happy for people to celebrate whatever they want, whenever they want. 

Having a wedding isn't cheap, so I don't share any views of it as a money grab.

Either you WANT to celebrate with them, or you don't.

If not, then it's no reflection on them that you'd choose go along with it yet complain and finger-wag the whole way.

That's on you, and it's not a good look.

[Jaunty]

 Sorry, but it's actually cringe-inducing to read all of your detailed criticisms and your deep contempt for this person.  You described her as one of your close friends.  Sheesh.  

[Cherylyn]

@Alex39 You need a new set of high quality friends.  There's an old saying:  "You are the company you keep."   Or, here's another one:  "If you want to judge a man,  look to his friends."  Here's another idiom:  "Birds of feather flock together."  They all mean the same thing. 

Pick and choose your friends wisely.  Weed out all the bad apples.  I have great friends because I chose them to be in my life.  Anyone else does not qualify and automatic rejects.

With local relatives and in-laws,  well,  that's another story.  All I can do with them is enforce strict boundaries which seems to be working splendidly.

Most people are really nice?  In an ideal world,  yes.  Realistically?  Hmmm.  I'll believe it when I see it. 😋

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't agree with this assessment.  Most people are nice.  Really, they are.

I've discovered yes,  most people are nice especially if you don't know them intimately and I'm not referring to physically.  I've been very close to a lot of people and their warts are problematic.  It's not the "nobody's perfect" garbage either.  It's:  Wow,  I didn't know they were capable of saying or writing that because when they're "on" they're so charming and really,  really nice!  Generous even. 

I love the veneer of very nice people because it's so pleasant.  However,  once you get to know some people whom you thought were nice,  there's another side to them which is snarky and rather deceitful actually.  A lot of nice people pretend to be good when they're really not especially once you get to know them more thoroughly far beyond the superficial level. 

At any rate,  in my more naive mind,  I'll go back to remembering what my husband's late grandmother used to say:  "Find the good in everyone."  Yes,  she was right but it's the bad in what I thought were good people;  which stains my original innocent image of them.  🥴

For me,  I would say some people are nice and I cherish all the nice people in my life.  😊 ❤️

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Most people disparage each other behind each others backs.   It all happens behind closed doors.  People talk or write which is universal.

Not like Alex does with all her friends on this forum,  no. 

 

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not like Alex does with all her friends on this forum,  no. 

 

I've observed otherwise in society. 

The difference between @Alex39 and I is that I have some disgusting people in my life whom I look upon with disdain.  However,  I don't post it each and every time.  They exist though.  I actually appreciate @Alex39 because I can relate to how she feels.  Sure,  our stories are not the same but the sentiments have parallels so I'm not "enotalone."  😉

[MissCanuck]

That’s  not really the same thing, though. I doubt you would call these disgusting people your friends. Do you? Alex does. That’s the real difference here between you and her. 

I haven’t generally observed in society that people who disparage others to the extent Alex does also then describe themselves as “good friends” with them. 

Alex chooses to remain in friendships with people she doesn’t like. In my experience, that is certainly not the norm. 

[Big Stan]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

That’s  not really the same thing, though. I doubt you would call these disgusting people your friends. Do you? Alex does. That’s the real difference here between you and her. 

I haven’t generally observed in society that people who disparage others to the extent Alex does also then describe themselves as “good friends” with them. 

Alex chooses to remain in friendships with people she doesn’t like. In my experience, that is certainly not the norm. 

Yeah I agree with you.  Very few people I know will bad mouth those they have called friends because they'd wind up being exiled from our friend group. 

[Lambert]

After multiple posts and complaints about this person, the friend group. the wedding etc. etc.  

Why are you still in this situation? Why are you friends?  

They may be whatever you say they are.  But at some point, it comes back on you.  You are who you spend time with.  You are what you are around.  You are part of this.  

Make a choice and live with it.  That's the solution.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The difference between @Alex39 and I is that I have some disgusting people in my life whom I look upon with disdain.  However,  I don't post it each and every time.

I think we all do. For example we dont exactly pick colleagues or Bosses. So its bound to be somebody you dont like and show disdain.

However, I believe its a fair point to raise why Alex hangs around those people when it comes to friends. Friends are people we choose. For example my friends all have flaws. But I care for them and they care for me. If I needed them I could call them in the middle of the night for something. As they could to me. That is if we are talking about close friends. 

But Alex is a bridesmaid to a woman who she doesnt think that good. And who she thinks is using her to be her bridesmaid. So it is a fair point to ask why is she hanging with people who she doesnt really like and who she thinks are using her. I think on the other thread I wrote about Arostotle and his types of friendships. And how he thought there are 3 types: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of good. Maybe Alex just found first 2 types aka somebody who would be just using her or somebody who would just be there for her as long as things are pleasurable and would bail the minute things arent. But that doesnt mean her friendships should be like that. 

[spinstermanquee]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Here's another idiom:  "Birds of feather flock together." 

Gotta throw in another one behind Cherylyn's excellent selections:  "Birds that flock together become of the same feather."  You continue to keep company with those that you disrespect, you become dis-respectable...

[boltnrun]

I agree, I don't disparage or act with "disdain" or "frosty" toward people I claim to be a friend to.  If I feel "disdain" toward someone I certainly wouldn't agree to be their bridesmaid!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Big Stan said:

Yeah I agree with you.  Very few people I know will bad mouth those they have called friends because they'd wind up being exiled from our friend group. 

I know of many who don’t bad mouth because it’s inconsistent with their values and beliefs. 

[Jaunty]

I have said crappy things about friends and family members and I will probably do it again in the future because it's a weakness of mine.

That's not what this is really about.

@Alex39 has a pattern of getting deeply emotionally involved, negatively, with other people's lives and choices.  It follows a pattern which is reflected here.  

The real problem is that the OP takes exception to the actions / behavior of another person; these actions may have something to do with the OP at first but the bulk of the complaint quickly goes to what a loser the person is and then details of that person (or groups') personal life that support OP's opinion that they're a bad individual.

So in this case, I could probably get behind a post asking for help on how to get out of the " bridesmaid's duties" - which I think it was ostensibly posed as.  I could even possibly think that the ideal of the fake wedding sounds kind of lame - though actually at this point I'm completely on board with anybody doing what they want for an observation / celebration of their nuptials.  

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Gotta throw in another one behind Cherylyn's excellent selections:  "Birds that flock together become of the same feather."  You continue to keep company with those that you disrespect, you become dis-respectable...

Here's another one and thank you @spinstermanquee:  "If you lie down with dogs,  you get up with fleas."  In other words,  you become tainted.  Influences are everything.  Dishonesty and immorality is contagious. 

Once upon a time,  I had a great cousin and ever since she married a bad guy,  I don't know who she is anymore.  She evolved and transformed from an angel to an evil woman through the years.  It's sad actually.  Then there is my sister.  She was sweet long ago and due to whom she married,  another bad guy,  she did the devil's work better than most which became the defining moment of my life.  ☹️

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think we all do. For example we dont exactly pick colleagues or Bosses. So its bound to be somebody you dont like and show disdain.

However, I believe its a fair point to raise why Alex hangs around those people when it comes to friends. Friends are people we choose. For example my friends all have flaws. But I care for them and they care for me. If I needed them I could call them in the middle of the night for something. As they could to me. That is if we are talking about close friends. 

But Alex is a bridesmaid to a woman who she doesnt think that good. And who she thinks is using her to be her bridesmaid. So it is a fair point to ask why is she hanging with people who she doesnt really like and who she thinks are using her. I think on the other thread I wrote about Arostotle and his types of friendships. And how he thought there are 3 types: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of good. Maybe Alex just found first 2 types aka somebody who would be just using her or somebody who would just be there for her as long as things are pleasurable and would bail the minute things arent. But that doesnt mean her friendships should be like that. 

Well,  yes I actually agree @Kwothe28.  You are the company you keep.  None of my friends are odd,  weird,  strange or whack.  They all exercise discretion and we mutually enforce healthy boundaries with one another.  None of us are an imposition and we're very considerate.  Some of them spoke to me on the phone closer to midnight due to stressful situations at the time.  I can't ever recall outlandish requests nor expectations from my closest friends.  Not only do I pick and choose  friends wisely,  certain people attract others which says a lot.  I don't get into trouble because there is no dilemma to conquer.  It is avoidable and preventable by either eliminating undesirable people from your life or not associating with them in the first place.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I have said crappy things about friends and family members and I will probably do it again in the future because it's a weakness of mine.

 

Even though most people would never admit it or if they're in denial mode,  most people talk about negative observations about other people within any given household.  It happens all the time whether friends and / or family.  It's not always all nicey-nice and sweet.  If there is ever a "blip,"  it's a definite observation and there are comments good,  bad or indifferent.  People wouldn't be human if they didn't.  Just because it's not proven with evidence on video,  doesn't mean people don't do it.  

I've made many comments to my husband about so-and-so whether friends and family.  Granted,  there are definitely more favorable comments about my friends than relatives and in-laws.  Go figure. 🙄 I will say there were former friends whom I've befriended in order to be in "hero mode" who were oddballs and they had to be eliminated many years ago.  

My husband has heard an earful 👂  through the years just as we've shared various comments about our colleagues.  And, we'll compliment anyone behind closed doors especially if they've earned the accolades to be sure.    🙂  Yes,  people talk.  You can't duct tape their mouths.  😷

So yes,  some people are nice.  I'll give you that.  😏 However,  I wouldn't go so far as to say most people are nice.  🤨 🥴

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Even though most people would never admit it or if they're in denial mode,  most people talk about negative observations about other people within any given household. 

Definitely.  But there is a clear difference between the way people talk about friends / loved family members when they're trash talking, and how they talk about people they actively and strongly dislike ... and feel vastly superior to.  

[itsallgrand]

Honestly to me it wouldn't really matter if a friend had already eloped and bought a house and wanted to throw a big wedding and have that experience. It's not like she's doubling down on asking for attendance and gifts of cash for getting married. She's never had that. 

And after having spent literally tens of thousands on others to celebrate other people's weddings and baby showers and everything else, and never "collecting" for any big life event like that.. eh I kinda get it. She can have her turn too, why not ? I don't give 2 figs if you are young and have nothing or are established and want whatever version of wedding or celebration, I'll give everyone a turn in the sun. 

Comes down to if you think this is an actual friend you want in your life who would show up for you? I learned along the way to not bother with those friendship/family isn't a two way street. If you don't think she is that to you, don't do anything. If you think she is, stop being mean about this and just send genuine good wishes and support.

My 2 cents.

[LootieTootie]

Alex, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but when you look down on someone you consider "a best friend" or "close friend" - you are not a good friend.

This isn't the first time you have posted about your friends and everyone has recommended you find better quality friends. I will still advise you find friends at meetup groups or trying new hobbies. Or maybe detox from friendships for a good few months. I know this is hard to do but I think it would be a good break from the friendships distress.

When you're young, you hang out with people who you think are friends but you realize that you really don't even like them or/and vice versa and there's nothing substantial there, so that friendship just fades out. Thats the natural process of it and its part of growing and part of learning who you are. 

If you maintain a friendship just out of convenience, just know that it is a reflection on you.