Bridesmaid Duties

[Alex39]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know if I'd call it jealousy. Jealousy is such an ugly word. I'd call it envy with a strong touch of wistfulness.

I remember when my son was born and my bestie came to see us in the hospital. My husband and I were in the process of getting him ready to take home. I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked both happy for me and a bit sad because that scene was everything she'd always said she wanted. To be married and a mother. Ironically I was the one who always said I never wanted to get married and didn't want to be a mom until I was in my 30s. And there I was, barely old enough to buy a beer and already a wife and mother. And there she was, unhappily single. 

I don't believe for a second she was jealous of me. She was genuinely happy for me. But she still badly wanted those things for herself too. And knowing her, she probably felt guilty for feeling a tinge of envy. Because she's a sweet and moral person. 

And by all accounts she never badmouthed me or spoke of me with disdain or contempt. And she definitely was never "frosty" toward me. She even asked me to be her matron of honor (and she had been MY maid of honor). We are legitimate friends who love one another. 

I can't fathom agreeing to be a bridesmaid for someone I felt disdain toward or who I felt was a bad friend, or whose life choices were in direct conflict with my values. Disagree with, sure. But badmouth and feel contempt toward? Nope. 

This is how I feel. I am exceptionally happy for them, sad for me. I'm honestly not in a rush or wanting to be a mother so soon. Hanging out with my friend and her baby, it's a crying and breastfeeding. I'm not eager to jump into that. But I'd LOVE to have a partner. I want to be in love. Give love. Make life plans with someone. Have that support. Build a family. 

I'm not jealous, but sad. I did online dating years ago. I went on a million dates. I was in my prime. Cute, young, skinny, smart, social etc. And nothing still worked out. All of my friends met their husband's online. I think half of them settled for whomever was on there. But I didn't. But I'm alone. 

[Big Stan]

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[Big Stan]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I think half of them settled for whomever was on there. But I didn't. But I'm alone. 

I think this is a rotten thing to say. Why are you so judgmental?  A lot of your replies are peppered with these sorts of nasty and hateful comments. I’m starting to feel like your predicament is due to this trait more than anything else. 

[Alex39]

8 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

I think this is a rotten thing to say. Why are you so judgmental?  A lot of your replies are peppered with these sorts of nasty and hateful comments. I’m starting to feel like your predicament is due to this trait more than anything else. 

I'm just honest. My one friend is a huge catch. Successful, beautiful,  smart. Her husband is never employed. They've been together 5 years, and he's probably only worked one of those 5 years. She then gets stressed and upset, and takes on more jobs. I think this past year she was working 7 days a week and he was sitting at home barely doing a thing. She acts like he is a victim and his joblessness isn't his fault.  I think my friend could do better.

My other friend's husband has similar lack of motivation. He can't hold down a job, been fired from many jobs. Even had a sexual harassment allegation at one job he got fired from. She made excuses that it wasn't his fault.  Finally got a job as a receptionist at an office his cousin owns. She told me his cousin almost fired him and has to constantly threaten to fire him, because he's late every day because he sleeps in past his alarm every single day. 

[boltnrun]

31 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not jealous, but sad.

You say that, but then you say this:

31 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I think half of them settled for whomever was on there.

This comes across as sour grapes. Jealous. Judgmental. 

I'm trying to stick up for you and trying to believe you're not jealous and bitter over them having what you want, but these things creep out in your posts.

What I see as the difference between envy and jealousy is, envy means you're happy for them but wish you had what they have. Jealousy means you resent them for having what you want and maybe even feel they don't "deserve" what you wish you had for yourself.

Don't slip down that slope. You don't need to tear down your friends. It makes you seem angry and bitter, plus it doesn't get you what you want anyway. 

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My friend isn't relocating for work. I'd understand it more, if it was a work thing. A great opportunity to prosper or grow in a job, something like that. They own a home here. They plan to rent it out. She works remotely and her husband has been unemployed for over a year. And they are buying a second home, just to start a new life. Her husband wants to grow Marijuana and shoot his guns on acres of land without anyone bothering him.  

 

She and her husband both want a new life, with new friends, and new everything

What is wrong with wanting those things?  I believe that if you're a true friend, you will be happy to see those people you care about pursuing their dreams, even if that takes them away from you, or their dreams are nothing you value personally.

You seem to be reacting in large part out of jealousy.  

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 

 and it is a bit sad to me,  because I think she is thinking the grass will be greener, but she doesn't see that me and our other friends, and her family are here, and would do anything for her and to help her. 

When I was young I could not WAIT to get away from the town I grew up in and that's what I did.  Definitely the right move for me.  Some of my high school friends are still there. 2 of them are even married to high school sweethearts. We are still friends.  They're not mad that I left and I don't think poorly of them because they stayed there.  

[Seraphim]

I can kind of see what you are saying, I always wanted more than one child, but it wasn’t to be. I had a child and then repeated miscarriages. Other people I knew including my step sister popped kids out like popcorn. She has 7. I was genuinely happy for people but it hurt . I have learned to let it go . I have a wonderful son and that is what I was given. 
 

You can change your circumstances. 

[Big Stan]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm just honest. My one friend is a huge catch. Successful, beautiful,  smart. Her husband is never employed. They've been together 5 years, and he's probably only worked one of those 5 years. She then gets stressed and upset, and takes on more jobs. I think this past year she was working 7 days a week and he was sitting at home barely doing a thing. She acts like he is a victim and his joblessness isn't his fault.  I think my friend could do better.

My other friend's husband has similar lack of motivation. He can't hold down a job, been fired from many jobs. Even had a sexual harassment allegation at one job he got fired from. She made excuses that it wasn't his fault.  Finally got a job as a receptionist at an office his cousin owns. She told me his cousin almost fired him and has to constantly threaten to fire him, because he's late every day because he sleeps in past his alarm every single day. 

Thing is, it's not for you to judge.  If these women want to be in these relationships then that's their business.  Not only that but you don't deal with your friends or these men behind closed doors so you don't really get to pass that judgement on them.  If these women are defending their partners then that's good enough for me.  

I think you're overly judgmental and that's probably why you're alone.  Maybe you expect too much out of people, it certainly seems like you do.  I don't know these men, or these women so I can't really say but bottom line it's none of my business.  I personally think it's fine to have whatever standards you want so long as you aren't upset about the level of companionship that gives you.  

You kind of want it both ways, you want X person but it isn't happening.  So you either need to up your personal stock or re-evaluate your standards a little.  All I know is that personally I have what I think are pretty high standards yet my friend life and my romantic life are both very fulfilling.  Maybe it's because I'm more of a catch, whatever that means.  Maybe it's because I try to see the good in people around me or maybe both.  

What I do know is your attitude is really negative and you tend to look at others in an extremely critical way.  You're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable life if you don't think about that negativity and address it a little. 

[Alex39]

51 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

I think this is a rotten thing to say. Why are you so judgmental?  A lot of your replies are peppered with these sorts of nasty and hateful comments. I’m starting to feel like your predicament is due to this trait more than anything else. 

 

3 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Thing is, it's not for you to judge.  If these women want to be in these relationships then that's their business.  Not only that but you don't deal with your friends or these men behind closed doors so you don't really get to pass that judgement on them.  If these women are defending their partners then that's good enough for me.  

I think you're overly judgmental and that's probably why you're alone.  Maybe you expect too much out of people, it certainly seems like you do.  I don't know these men, or these women so I can't really say but bottom line it's none of my business.  I personally think it's fine to have whatever standards you want so long as you aren't upset about the level of companionship that gives you.  

You kind of want it both ways, you want X person but it isn't happening.  So you either need to up your personal stock or re-evaluate your standards a little.  All I know is that personally I have what I think are pretty high standards yet my friend life and my romantic life are both very fulfilling.  Maybe it's because I'm more of a catch, whatever that means.  Maybe it's because I try to see the good in people around me or maybe both.  

What I do know is your attitude is really negative and you tend to look at others in an extremely critical way.  You're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable life if you don't think about that negativity and address it a little. 

I know I'm negative. I honestly hate it. Its just how my brain works. Judging others. I think it's because my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me to be who she thinks is acceptable and perfect. She's done this my whole life.   It's frustrating. My mother judges everyone. I think I project her onto others. I seek happiness, fulfillment, love. My family weighs me down. My parents health, judgement, failing marriage. Hardships. My mom has instilled in me that "the family" is the core and we are all together for everything. It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents, but it makes it hard to grow and build my own family. 

I've also been hurt a lot. I was the girl that settled. I dated a lot of men during my 20s. We never were the right fit. I got hurt at times. I settled for things I didn't agree or like. I want more, a person like me, a man who really gets to know me and accept me, who shares and appreciates my values. I think I was so confident at times, feeling like I was a great catch, the whole package, and to not feel like I was ever appreciated,  loved, or wanted, it's tough. 

 

[Tinydance]

27 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Thing is, it's not for you to judge.  If these women want to be in these relationships then that's their business.  Not only that but you don't deal with your friends or these men behind closed doors so you don't really get to pass that judgement on them.  If these women are defending their partners then that's good enough for me.  

I think you're overly judgmental and that's probably why you're alone.  Maybe you expect too much out of people, it certainly seems like you do.  I don't know these men, or these women so I can't really say but bottom line it's none of my business.  I personally think it's fine to have whatever standards you want so long as you aren't upset about the level of companionship that gives you.  

You kind of want it both ways, you want X person but it isn't happening.  So you either need to up your personal stock or re-evaluate your standards a little.  All I know is that personally I have what I think are pretty high standards yet my friend life and my romantic life are both very fulfilling.  Maybe it's because I'm more of a catch, whatever that means.  Maybe it's because I try to see the good in people around me or maybe both.  

What I do know is your attitude is really negative and you tend to look at others in an extremely critical way.  You're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable life if you don't think about that negativity and address it a little. 

Yep to all

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I know I'm negative. I honestly hate it. Its just how my brain works. Judging others. I think it's because my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me to be who she thinks is acceptable and perfect. She's done this my whole life.   It's frustrating. My mother judges everyone. I think I project her onto others. I seek happiness, fulfillment, love. My family weighs me down. My parents health, judgement, failing marriage. Hardships. My mom has instilled in me that "the family" is the core and we are all together for everything. It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents, but it makes it hard to grow and build my own family. 

I've also been hurt a lot. I was the girl that settled. I dated a lot of men during my 20s. We never were the right fit. I got hurt at times. I settled for things I didn't agree or like. I want more, a person like me, a man who really gets to know me and accept me, who shares and appreciates my values. I think I was so confident at times, feeling like I was a great catch, the whole package, and to not feel like I was ever appreciated,  loved, or wanted, it's tough. 

 

No, it is not how your brain works. It is how you are ALLOWING it to work. 

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I know I'm negative. I honestly hate it. Its just how my brain works. Judging others. I think it's because my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me to be who she thinks is acceptable and perfect. She's done this my whole life.   It's frustrating. My mother judges everyone. I think I project her onto others. I seek happiness, fulfillment, love. My family weighs me down. My parents health, judgement, failing marriage. Hardships. My mom has instilled in me that "the family" is the core and we are all together for everything. It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents, but it makes it hard to grow and build my own family. 

I've also been hurt a lot. I was the girl that settled. I dated a lot of men during my 20s. We never were the right fit. I got hurt at times. I settled for things I didn't agree or like. I want more, a person like me, a man who really gets to know me and accept me, who shares and appreciates my values. I think I was so confident at times, feeling like I was a great catch, the whole package, and to not feel like I was ever appreciated,  loved, or wanted, it's tough. 

 

Well you don't actually have to settle. Also you don't have to listen to your mother all the time or even see your mother that much. A lot if what you write is actually quite contradictory. You say your Mum is awful but you seem to talk to her and catch up with her a lot. Also you say your friends and you are drifting and don't have much in common. But you just keep hanging out with your mother and all these married friends? Why don't you start putting yourself out there and meeting other new people? It's not surprising nothing is changing because you're not actually doing anything differently.

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

No, it is not how your brain works. It is how you are ALLOWING it to work. 

Yep 

[boltnrun]

If you hate how your mom tends to treat you (see: your other current thread), why would you perpetuate that behavior? 

You're not a helpless child. You can choose to stop yourself from being so judgmental and contemptuous of people you say are your friends. They're not awful people just because they have what you want. And running them down doesn't get you what you say you want. 

What are you doing currently to meet new people?

[Tinydance]

By the way I don't think most people just settle. My belief is in the very least they are very fond of the person they're with. Unless it's an arranged marriage, I don't think it's actually possible to be with someone you don't actually like. It seems to me that you're just telling yourself your friends settled because they found someone and you haven't. I'm sure most of them haven't just settled. 

Another thing too is, I think it's easier to actually like someone and find someone if you keep an open mind. My best friend is beautiful so she always had a lot of guys into her. But in my opinion she's super picky and also negative in similar ways to you. She's been on dates with probably like 70 guys in the last few years and believe it or not, most of them were into her. But it seemed she was finding something wrong with most of them. Like there was one guy who she said was attractive and really nice but he was shorter than her (she's tall though) and I feel like she just ruled him out mostly based on that. Then when she was struggling to find someone she searched him on social media and saw he got married. She said she really regretted that she rejected him just based on hos height. Um yeah no kidding.

[Big Stan]

45 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I know I'm negative. I honestly hate it. Its just how my brain works. Judging others. I think it's because my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me to be who she thinks is acceptable and perfect. She's done this my whole life.   It's frustrating. My mother judges everyone. I think I project her onto others. I seek happiness, fulfillment, love. My family weighs me down. My parents health, judgement, failing marriage. Hardships. My mom has instilled in me that "the family" is the core and we are all together for everything. It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents, but it makes it hard to grow and build my own family. 

I've also been hurt a lot. I was the girl that settled. I dated a lot of men during my 20s. We never were the right fit. I got hurt at times. I settled for things I didn't agree or like. I want more, a person like me, a man who really gets to know me and accept me, who shares and appreciates my values. I think I was so confident at times, feeling like I was a great catch, the whole package, and to not feel like I was ever appreciated,  loved, or wanted, it's tough. 

 

You were close, then you blamed your mother, then you blamed the men you dated.  The first step in your mind not working that way is owning the fact that you can CHOOSE to look at things better.  You need to take responsibility for the negativity and actively work to change it.  Right now you are in what Orrin Woodward, a really good business leader, calls the victim lens.  Basically I am the way I am because someone else did X or someone else did Y.  

Thing is there is someone out there with a much worse upbringing that is positive. There is someone else who's mother is a much worse yet that person is happy and well adjusted.  It's up to you to change.  

Only you can do this work and if you decide to climb that hill your life will get better.  You have to put that work in though no one can do it for you or really even help you with it.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 

I know I'm negative. I honestly hate it. Its just how my brain works. Judging others. I think it's because my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me to be who she thinks is acceptable and perfect. She's done this my whole life.   It's frustrating. My mother judges everyone. I think I project her onto others. I seek happiness, fulfillment, love. My family weighs me down. My parents health, judgement, failing marriage. Hardships. My mom has instilled in me that "the family" is the core and we are all together for everything. It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents, but it makes it hard to grow and build my own family. 

Maybe you're the one who might benefit from moving away and forging ahead, developing your own identity seperate from that of your parents and family.  For a while, anyway.  Have you ever thought about that? 

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I've also been hurt a lot. I was the girl that settled. I dated a lot of men during my 20s. We never were the right fit. I got hurt at times. I settled for things I didn't agree or like. I want more, a person like me, a man who really gets to know me and accept me, who shares and appreciates my values. I think I was so confident at times, feeling like I was a great catch, the whole package, and to not feel like I was ever appreciated,  loved, or wanted, it's tough. 

 

That was typical for a lot of us in our 20's and sometimes beyond.  That's why those relationships didn't work - they were not the right ones.

[LootieTootie]

Everyone's input has been on point so I won't repeat. 

I am just curious to know... Alex, are you being proactive in looking for new friends? You sadly rely on these fake friendships but have you tried to at least go to a social event, meet-up group, church event, etc.? You love cats. Have you tried to join a local cat lover community? Try a new hobby?

Finding new friends is like finding a partner. You gotta be proactive. That requires you to get out and mingle and put your best face on and work on your personality.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

my mother is always constantly judging and nagging me. My family weighs me down.  It's a great support system and I have loving supportive parents.

 Please reflect on this statement. Does it make sense to you? 

[Alex39]

10 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Everyone's input has been on point so I won't repeat. 

I am just curious to know... Alex, are you being proactive in looking for new friends? You sadly rely on these fake friendships but have you tried to at least go to a social event, meet-up group, church event, etc.? You love cats. Have you tried to join a local cat lover community? Try a new hobby?

Finding new friends is like finding a partner. You gotta be proactive. That requires you to get out and mingle and put your best face on and work on your personality.

 

I was trying to be proactive in my life.  I've been trying to get in shape amd exercise. Eat healthier. Be more social. Push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I joined a women's social group on Facebook. I even coordinated a women's happy hour meetup this Friday night. A bunch of women were going to come. I was so excited. We planned this outdoor meet up spot. 

Then Saturday, I planned a social brunch gathering at my house with my friends. 

Well now both days, it's going to be raining and both events are cancelled. I worked so hard this week on my yard, getting it looking amazing for my friends to see it. 

I'm going to be sitting alone like I always do. Depressed and destined to always be alone. I'm just so bummed out. 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I was trying to be proactive in my life.  I've been trying to get in shape amd exercise. Eat healthier. Be more social. Push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I joined a women's social group on Facebook. I even coordinated a women's happy hour meetup this Friday night. A bunch of women were going to come. I was so excited. We planned this outdoor meet up spot. 

Then Saturday, I planned a social brunch gathering at my house with my friends. 

Well now both days, it's going to be raining and both events are cancelled. I worked so hard this week on my yard, getting it looking amazing for my friends to see it. 

I'm going to be sitting alone like I always do. Depressed and destined to always be alone. I'm just so bummed out. 

You can’t move the events inside ? A little rain never hurt anyone . 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You can’t move the events inside ? A little rain never hurt anyone . 

I was just so excited. I worked so so hard on my yard to look great. I wanted to show it off. I wanted my friends to see it.

I asked my friends about other dates. They aren't free again for months. Their lives are full of graduation parties, birthdays, bridal showers, and fun trips. And then there is loser me, who is free sitting by herself day in and day out. 

I feel like I have it all. I work hard to have a great career, work hard on my home that is nice, I have a lot, but God is punishing me by making me enjoy it all alone. And that gets old after a while. 

[Jaunty]

Weather happens ... Good weather as well as bad.  So, reschedule.

I don't understand why it has to be a big event or "sitting alone."  Obviously this has nothing to do with "destined to always be alone."   Bad weather caused cancelation of outdoor parties ... all the other people coming to the parties are also without those plans.  Are all of them also destined to always be alone because their outdoor brunch plans were derailed?  No.

Have your brunch in the house.  Or go out to brunch with one or two of your friends.  Or whatever.  

"God" is not punishing you, either.  The weather is unfavorable.  Come on.

 

 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I was just so excited. I worked so so hard on my yard to look great. I wanted to show it off. I wanted my friends to see it.

I asked my friends about other dates. They aren't free again for months. Their lives are full of graduation parties, birthdays, bridal showers, and fun trips. And then there is loser me, who is free sitting by herself day in and day out. 

I feel like I have it all. I work hard to have a great career, work hard on my home that is nice, I have a lot, but God is punishing me by making me enjoy it all alone. And that gets old after a while. 

Stop with the pity party and do something else . 

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm going to be sitting alone like I always do.

Your choice. 

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I worked so so hard on my yard to look great. I wanted to show it off.

Is "showing off" more important to you than seeing your friends?

By chance are these the same friends you've been denigrating? Is that why you are prioritizing "showing off"?

Just because you can't "show off" doesn't mean you have to cancel. If "showing off" is your main motivation for seeing your friends you can make the inside of your home beautiful and gloat in front of them indoors.

(Not sure why your goal is to "show off". I may be home proud but it's not why I want to see my legitimate friends.)