Burned the bridge or blessing in disguise?

[Jaxxylady]

This story is long.
I was married, he was married. Until I wasn't married. I tried to stay away - he will come back conflicted, or from a different affair, or a different situation that didn't work out, or just because he needed validation. He had a drinking problem. He got the help he needed and been the last 4 years sober. I recognized that he was projecting his alcoholism into me but in order to please and that maybe there is some truth in what he was telling me, I stopped my occasional drinking, quit friends who drank. Dedicated to mold myself in that what he wanted. Eventually he left his ex wife and moved into his own place. It was just us and it was nice for a while. I started to heal from his past transgressions, from his conflict of who he wants to be with, from the negative thoughts I had about him. But I wasn't truly free of those thoughts because I always expected the " shoe to drop". That he will leave me again. I tried talking and was met with resistance and dismissal. He always threatened me with breaking up. Until one day I was so consumed with a fight we had, especially with his stonewalling that I drank and I got drunk. I went to his place. It was after 10 pm he had his kids there sleeping. I knocked but didn't wait because I didn't see his car. It was parked in a dark spot and I didn't see it..But in my drunk raging state I thought he was back with his ex. I went to his house, of course he wasn't there but I scared the poor woman. Went back to his place, he was out by now but he called the cops. His reason was that he didn't know how to calm me down and he didn't want me to drive away. In my opinion he could have called an Uber, take my keys or simply talk to me. Next day he showed up angry at my house and he broke up with me. Calling me toxic, that I will take my insecurities on his kids, that I have a drinking problem and he doesn't want to be around it. That he is ashamed of me and I am a selfish ***. That he doesn't know how to help me. 
I am not making excuses - it was a cry of help..I wanted him to care BEFORE I drank.
I asked for forgiveness. I didn't mean to burn the bridge. I can write pages of his toxic behaviors towards me but by me doing this - shows him that he was right to treat me the way he did. How can I fix it? How can I show him that I was in pain? How can he be so done after 8 years? Like he never got drunk and done stupid *** he regret? Why he still holds on to my house keys if he is so done? But more importantly - how can I fix my image in his head?

[gamon]

It's not up to you if this can be fixed.

My suggestion is just leave him alone and work on yourself.

Perhaps with the passage of time he'll come around and find you to be in a better place and things can go from there.

But this won't happen overnight.

 

[Lambert]

24 minutes ago, Jaxxylady said:

In my opinion he could have called an Uber, take my keys or simply talk to me.

Well this kind of thinking could be part of your problem.  It's not up to others to do what makes things easier for you, when you're acting poorly and impacting a person's kids, home life, exes... 

its also not cool to use emotional pain as an excuse or to manipulate others. 

If you're partner isn't meeting your needs, the solution has to involve honest, constructive communication...

On the positive side, maybe you guys have run your course. It sounds like your both to blame for the relationship and it's dysfunction and now is the time to focus on yourself.  To heal, grow, and find happiness elsewhere.

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Jaxxylady said:

I am not making excuses - it was a cry of help..I wanted him to care BEFORE I drank.

Your choice to behave the way you did was just that, your choice.

However, this relationship seems fraught with toxicity. This is not how a healthy relationship looks. Those extreme emotions you're feeling likely have little to do with love. More like an addiction to extreme highs and lows. That adrenaline rush can be quite intoxicating.

I recommend staying away from this man. Do some care for yourself because it doesn't seem like this man is going to give you the kind of secure foundation you need. 

[Cherylyn]

You can't fix it.  You can't show him you were in pain.  He has already made up his mind.  That ship has sailed.  He can be done after 8 years and to him,  it was too long.  Even though he got drunk and acted stupid without regrets,  he's certainly not going to make himself appear "weak" by admitting it to you.  Ignoring his transgressions is easier for him so he can deflect the focus away from him and onto you.  You should change your locks if he refuses to return your house keys.  You can't fix your image in his mind because once a person's image is seared into someone's head,  it's over.  Really over.  Done.  Finito.   This mindset is universal.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jaxxylady said:

. . Went back to his place, he was out by now but he called the cops. His reason was that he didn't know how to calm me down and he didn't want me to drive away.  Next day he showed up angry at my house and he broke up with me. 

Sorry this happened. What happened when the police arrived?

 Focus on fixing how you feel, rather than fixing the relationship.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health . Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Ask if detox/rehab programs would help you. Work solely on improving the quality of your life rather than trying to salvage this.

 

[Jaxxylady]

Wiseman2... Nothing happened. They called a cab and went home.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Jaxxylady said:

In my opinion he could have called an Uber, take my keys or simply talk to me.

For what you did police was more then necessary. You went like a raging lunatic, to his ex wife, who he cheated with you, not the other way around. And scarred her. Not to mention maybe his kids who were at his home.

That kind of behavior is inexcusable. He should have not only called police, but pushed for charges and have you institutionalized. I really dont care if its "cry for help" or whatever you have been telling yourself to feel better, what you did is awful. The fact that you are trying to excuse yourself with "he is toxic too, he shouldnt call police" just shows how willy-nilly you consider all this. You should have already be on evaluation and on the way to rehab with that kind of behavior. And instead your only regret is what? That some cheater that cheated his ex wife with you, doesnt talk to you anymore? You deserve each other with that kind of behavior.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Sounds like a trauma bond.   Google it, see if it applies to you, and start the detox process. 

[catfeeder]

I'm awfully sorry for your pain. If you were put in a cab rather than arrested for driving, then that's probably the best outcome you could have hoped for from this.

If this guy was already threatening to break up with you, this likely sealed the deal.

Any rage can cause life altering or life ending harm in the blink of an eye, and such an outcome wouldn't matter whether it was accidental. The problem with getting drunk and doing dangerous and uncontrolled things isn't that it's unforgivable, it's that forgiveness cannot transform you into a safe person to be around. 

[itsallgrand]

You are worried about yourself right and getting the guy back. No mention at all about feeling bad about driving drunk.  No thought there that you may have maimed or killed someone. The cops gave you an opportunity to get yourself straight and not have to deal with real consequences. That was a judgement call, can't say I agree with it, but you got it. Will you waste it or maybe take the neon sign wake up call to stop making excuses for your own behaviors ? 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Sounds like a trauma bond.   Google it, see if it applies to you, and start the detox process. 

I would do that only after dealing with what seems to be an issue with alcohol and anger and impulsivity, because she is so lucky it wasn't much much worse given her choices to drink and act as she did. What you wrote sounds like an interesting exercise someone might do in a non-crisis situation and it might be fun to "detox" if that sort of stuff floats your boat. But in this crisis situation I'd shelve that for now if not permanently and deal with the very dangerous situation she put herself and others in.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Jaxxylady said:

Burned the bridge or blessing in disguise?

I would say blessing in disguise. Someone having to call the police on you seems like a great wakeup call to start turning your life around.

[SooSad33]

On 4/27/2023 at 1:32 PM, Jaxxylady said:

I am not making excuses - it was a cry of help..I wanted him to care BEFORE I drank.
I asked for forgiveness. I didn't mean to burn the bridge. I can write pages of his toxic behaviors towards me but by me doing this - shows him that he was right to treat me the way he did. How can I fix it? How can I show him that I was in pain? How can he be so done after 8 years? Like he never got drunk and done stupid *** he regret? Why he still holds on to my house keys if he is so done? But more importantly - how can I fix my image in his head?

Sorry for your pains.. but... You CHOSE to keep all of this up with him, year after year.  Up to 8 yrs of it? 😕 . Then of course it'd be damaging.  BUT, you can't really lay all blame on him when you chose to stay & accept it for this long, when you did have a choice to just be done with it all. And you had a LOT of time to figure your stuff out and do just that.

Instead, it seems like you chose to go back for more and more.  Which in turn caused you anxiety & drinking... yes?

Also, on and off is damaging as well.  There's no show of a successful relationship, when it's been nothing but ongoing challenges and effects in the negative, due to the on/off behaviour. I'm pretty sure, with that happening over the years, there was no real ability for this relationship to strengthen at all. Hence, lack of trust or feeling secure.

I suggest you do NOTHING more in terms of trying to get him to see anything.  You be done now, totally!  No reason to try and 'prove yourself'. Sadly, I feel the damage has been done 😕 .  Then walk away, work on healing and accepting and get on with your life.. seriously. ( and as mentioned, maybe consider some prof help on working through your damages and pains... drinking & driving and all that is NOT okay).

 

 

[MissCanuck]

You absolutely burned a bridge, but it's also a blessing in disguise. 

You need help. And you need to let go of this man forever. Let this be the wake-up call that leads you to turn over a new leaf and start making better choices for yourself and stop going through life on self-destruct mode.