Jaxxylady

Wiseman2... Nothing happened. They called a cab and went home.

This story is long. I was married, he was married. Until I wasn't married. I tried to stay away - he will come back conflicted, or from a different affair, or a different situation that didn't work out, or just because he needed validation. He had a drinking problem. He got the help he needed and been the last 4 years sober. I recognized that he was projecting his alcoholism into me but in order to please and that maybe there is some truth in what he was telling me, I stopped my occasional drinking, quit friends who drank. Dedicated to mold myself in that what he wanted. Eventually he left his ex wife and moved into his own place. It was just us and it was nice for a while. I started to heal from his past transgressions, from his conflict of who he wants to be with, from the negative thoughts I had about him. But I wasn't truly free of those thoughts because I always expected the " shoe to drop". That he will leave me again. I tried talking and was met with resistance and dismissal. He always threatened me with breaking up. Until one day I was so consumed with a fight we had, especially with his stonewalling that I drank and I got drunk. I went to his place. It was after 10 pm he had his kids there sleeping. I knocked but didn't wait because I didn't see his car. It was parked in a dark spot and I didn't see it..But in my drunk raging state I thought he was back with his ex. I went to his house, of course he wasn't there but I scared the poor woman. Went back to his place, he was out by now but he called the cops. His reason was that he didn't know how to calm me down and he didn't want me to drive away. In my opinion he could have called an Uber, take my keys or simply talk to me. Next day he showed up angry at my house and he broke up with me. Calling me toxic, that I will take my insecurities on his kids, that I have a drinking problem and he doesn't want to be around it. That he is ashamed of me and I am a selfish ***. That he doesn't know how to help me. I am not making excuses - it was a cry of help..I wanted him to care BEFORE I drank. I asked for forgiveness. I didn't mean to burn the bridge. I can write pages of his toxic behaviors towards me but by me doing this - shows him that he was right to treat me the way he did. How can I fix it? How can I show him that I was in pain? How can he be so done after 8 years? Like he never got drunk and done stupid *** he regret? Why he still holds on to my house keys if he is so done? But more importantly - how can I fix my image in his head?