Struggling hard and need someone to talk to

[BreakingSad]

Hello! I’ll try to make my story as quick as I can. I met a married woman who was having issues in her marriage. We didn’t cheat or anything but she told her husband that she had feelings for me and that was enough for him to leave. From what I know, he was one foot out the door anyways and was looking for an excuse. Well they separated and we started a thing right afterwards (dumb I know). But we had a really strong connection. She made it clear that she didn’t want a relationship and just wanted something fun and casual. Which I tried to do but it became too much for me. According to her (and I agree with) I constantly needed validation and pushed her boundaries. This was in part because she waffled between friendship one week - then saying I love you/having sex the next, then grieving her ex, or hiding me from her friends/family because she ashamed what they would think because she moved on too quickly etc etc. I really never knew where I stood so it kind of wore me down and quite frankly hurt a lot. Also, she said we had some communication issues which I acknowledged and we started working through them. 

Anyways, we had a few big fights and she called it off and said she hit her breaking point. She needed some space to grieve her divorce, forgive me,  and find herself (She’s a lot younger than me. I’m 42 and she’s 26). Which made sense so I supported her in that decision. WE spoke a week later and she said she loved me, missed me, and was thankful that I was giving her this space and we could slowly rebuild and reconnect later on. 

After a week of not talking she pulls at 180 and says she has had time to think and doesn’t want me waiting around on her and she’s done. But she left the door slightly open by saying ‘nothing is set in stone’ but ‘no future plans.’ But basically I can’t have someone waiting for me and it’s ok if you date other people. I need to be selfish and be alone and all that.” It hurt like hell but I still supported it. 

Anyways, a week after that she blocks me from social media and I hear from a mutual friend that she quite literally is in ‘anger mode’, thinks I’m a liar/untrustworthy (because I didn’t respect her shifting boundaries), is at peace now, and doesn’t want anything to do with me. My friend said the door is closed right now but who knows what the future holds. She made a comment that it could happen in the future but a lot would have to change. Basically, the more time she spent away from me, she thought about the relationship and everything she didn’t like. 

I know I can’t wait for her and I have to move on with my life. As painful as it is. I’ve been doing No Contact and hope she reaches out one day…but I also thats bargaining talking. I’m working through it….

But what I don’t get is why she went from I love you/miss you/I need space to full on hatred. In that period of time I respected her space and didn’t reach out once. It hurts that the person you love (or the person I used to love) hates me now. In a period of a week. 

And this wasn’t just some fling. You know how you meet 1-2 (if you’re lucky in your life) that are your best friend, lover, and you connect on a soul level - that was us. Which makes this twice as painful. 

Thanks for listening. 

[SherrySher]

You met this woman right when she was having difficulties in her marriage and you happened to be an outlet for all her unhappiness and she created an entire fantasy thinking you were a knight in shining armor.

Unfortunately, she was not over her feelings for her husband, or over her marriage and is now resenting you.

 

 

 

[SherrySher]

26 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

this wasn’t just some fling. You know how you meet 1-2 (if you’re lucky in your life) that are your best friend, lover, and you connect on a soul level - that was us

That's your feelings. But if she felt the same, it wouldn't have gone bad like it has.

[greendots]

Sometimes what we feel is a soul level connection is just a connection that is filling a void in us, filling a void in our lives. Thus, we exalt it. Genuinely solid connections are like a strong foundation.

Imagine a house. To reduce damage during an earthquake it needs steel t-straps, reinforced walls and all sorts of other things that create a solid foundation. Otherwise, the moment the earth moves the house will not resist.

It seems to me, you guys didn't built a solid foundation. Let's face it: How can you create one, when your partner has been acting emotionally unstable from the get-go. Wanting one thing one week, desiring something else entirely the next.

My question to you is: What is so incredible about her that you got hooked and now can't let go, and why did you choose to be with a woman who has been pushing and pulling you regularly?

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you're hurting and rejected.  You need to move on by blocking and deleting her from your phone and social media.  She's done with you as you should be with her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

 I met a married woman who was having issues in her marriage. 

How did you meet? Are they still living together? Is the divorce final?

It seems like you dodged a bullet. She doesn't seem to be in a place for a relationship. She also handles things quite poorly if she immediately runs to the arms of another to assuage her problems.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

But what I don’t get is why she went from I love you/miss you/I need space to full on hatred.

Eh, this is likely just projection her part. She needs someone to blame for screwing up her marriage and rather than admit it was her, she shifts the anger on to you. It sounds like she's got a lot resentment inside her about all of this, and you're an easy target. 

2 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

You know how you meet 1-2 (if you’re lucky in your life) that are your best friend, lover, and you connect on a soul level - that was us.

Unforunately, this wasn't the same for her or she wouldn't have let you go. You feel too hard for a young woman who was looking for a springboard out of her marriage. All you can do now is work on letting go and understanding that you idealized something that in reality, always had very little chance of working out. 

Sorry you're going through this. 

[BreakingSad]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry you're hurting and rejected.  You need to move on by blocking and deleting her from your phone and social media.  She's done with you as you should be with her. 

Thanks. She already took the liberty of blocking me. She has been deleted from my phone. I’d block her # but don’t remember it and I don’t ever see her reaching out. 

[BreakingSad]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? Are they still living together? Is the divorce final?

It seems like you dodged a bullet. She doesn't seem to be in a place for a relationship. She also handles things quite poorly if she immediately runs to the arms of another to assuage her problems.

We met through mutual friends at a karaoke bar. It’s a weekly league thing. No, we met in August, they separated in November, at he divorce was final in Feb. 

[BreakingSad]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

You met this woman right when she was having difficulties in her marriage and you happened to be an outlet for all her unhappiness and she created an entire fantasy thinking you were a knight in shining armor.

Unfortunately, she was not over her feelings for her husband, or over her marriage and is now resenting you.

 

 

 

It sounded like they were both checked out a long long time ago. And she didn't realize have any feeling toward him. But I suppose there was some unresolved things after all. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

. She already took the liberty of blocking me. 

It's good you're not in contact. This will give you the peace of mind to reflect on freeing yourself from a bad situation. Although you're disappointed it didn't work out, you'll thank yourself in the future that you didn't end up with someone like this.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

It sounded like they were both checked out a long long time ago. And she didn't realize have any feeling toward him. But I suppose there was some unresolved things after all. 

In order to marry someone, you would have to have pretty strong feelings to commit to spending the rest of your life with that person.

A wedding with both of your families, giving each other rings, signing legal documents.

It's a huge deal.

Even if they both were wanting out, it's not something a person recovers easily from or gets over.

It can take years.

It's not like dating, and then breaking up.

It's changing your entire life to a new reality when you had it in your mind to be with this person forever.

She was not okay when you met her, and she's still not okay.

[Kwothe28]

What you did was having an affair. With a married woman with an issues. Her acting erratic was to be expected there. Its not a normal relationship and you cant expect her to act like it is. Bottom line is you expected way too much from her. She is not a relationship material. Nore she would maybe ever would be. And you should have acted in that way. If you wanted a normal relationship you should have never gone for somebody like that.

Also, count your blessings you are blocked. Trust me, you dont need somebody like that in your life.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

But what I don’t get is why she went from I love you/miss you/I need space to full on hatred. In that period of time I respected her space and didn’t reach out once. It hurts that the person you love (or the person I used to love) hates me now. In a period of a week. 

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should focus all of your energy on moving on. Somebody like this will not make a good partner.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I think it's very easy to feel like someone who is unavailable and a young "damsel in distress" is your soulmate.  And the push/pull/challenge makes it even easier because the drama fuels the excitement if that sort of thing floats your boat.  

She reminds me of a 20 something woman who reached out to me years ago (when I was in my 40s) through our mom FB group.  New mom and she claimed her husband wanted out -he decided he no longer wanted to be married.  I felt badly for her (and she was a SAHM).  

A few years later based on her new blog -she remade herself as some sort of woo woo spiritual/life coach -- she spilled how she'd had an affair while married and was torn between her husband and lover (oh and she was drinking a wee bit too much) and finally she decided on..... neither.  So obviously she lied to me and everyone in our huge local mom group.  Apparently she was a brand new person dedicated to all things moral/spiritual/goodness galore - but -- her affair partner likely was in your shoes.  

This woman was bad news -as a potential girlfriend to you I mean -from the word go. Perhaps work on being your own soulmate and figure out why you chose to put yourself in harm's way.  I think you dodged a bullet. i'm sorry you're hurting.

[BreakingSad]

I know this sounds stupid (dumpee talk) but I really did think we could work out at some point. She is an amazing person. And she thought I was amazing as well. 

It was just a matter of supper bad timing and her not processing the divorce and me pushing too much of what I wanted (a relationship). It was a messed up situation. But now that I know she hates me, blocked me, and is at peace now - I am realizing that can never happen. So, I am trying to lose hope and move forward. 

[redswim30]

12 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

But what I don’t get is why she went from I love you/miss you/I need space to full on hatred. In that period of time I respected her space and didn’t reach out once. It hurts that the person you love (or the person I used to love) hates me now. In a period of a week. 

 

OP, you met her when she was still married and you were the catalyst to her husband leaving her.  

That's a LOT.  Of course she would have conflicting feelings.  Her husband punished her for her being honest about having feelings for you.  Of course that would create HUGE conflict within her (no matter whether their marriage was over or not), I'm sure she felt massive guilt and shame about that.

She jumped into another relationship before fully grieving her divorce.   As a divorcee I can tell you, even when you know it's the right thing to do- it's still a process with complicated and difficult emotions.  She didn't really have the time to process thru all of those things before getting involved with you.  Divorce also isn't just about the two people involved either.  Trust me- divorcees have a LOT of baggage to manage post- divorce.  From constantly having to explain to everyone who knew you, to people having all kinds of opinions and judgements about it, fall out from mutual friends, family, religious groups, etc- it's a LOT and she probably kept at least some of this from you.  

You're basically calling this woman your soul mate when she told you from the get go that she didn't really want a serious relationship.  You wanted different things right from the start. 

I don't understand what you are so confused about, when this all makes perfect sense. 

You were looking for something she wasn't ready to give.  She was leaving a marriage that she wasn't able to grieve or process before being with you.  She wasn't wanting a full scale relationship and it sounds like you were ready to give your entire heart and soul to her immediately.   It's pretty straightforward.  She was going thru grieving her marriage and you wanted her to jump right into relationship mode and then (by your own words) needed her to give you constant validation and pushed her boundaries (neither of which she wanted or was ready for).   You expected things she was in no place to give you.  She tried to tell you where she was at and yet you still pushed your own agenda forwards.  Is it then really surprising that she was confused and all over the place?   

I doubt she HATES you, OP.   The likelier story is that she knew she wasn't ready and still did it anyway.  She likely feels upset at herself for (or even blaming herself) for how her marriage ended.  She's likely upset with herself for settling for (not because of you, because of the SITUATION) a situation which she knew she wasn't ready for and didn't really want at the time. She likely still processing all the fallout over her divorce and probably got *** shamed from at LEAST some people for getting involved with you.  (which isn't your fault, but few men truly appreciate just how bad that sort of thing can get for women- Hell, I got *** shamed for starting to date 9 months AFTER my divorce!)   You are associated with this bad feelings for her.   She perhaps just realized that for her own mental health, she needed to step away from everything associated with her divorce, which includes you- to start anew.  

I don't see you having a relationship in the future.  But learn a couple lessons here for the future, OP.  Do Not get involved with someone who is still married or not yet fully divorced because this type of outcome is nearly always assured.  Learn not to push your own agenda onto someone who isn't on the same page.  When someone tells you what they want and don't want, what they are or aren't ready for- BELIEVE THEM.  Then you either accept their terms or you find someone who is on the same page about what they want and what they feel they have to offer. 

Live and learn.    

[BreakingSad]

19 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

OP, you met her when she was still married and you were the catalyst to her husband leaving her.  

That's a LOT.  Of course she would have conflicting feelings.  Her husband punished her for her being honest about having feelings for you.  Of course that would create HUGE conflict within her (no matter whether their marriage was over or not), I'm sure she felt massive guilt and shame about that.

She jumped into another relationship before fully grieving her divorce.   As a divorcee I can tell you, even when you know it's the right thing to do- it's still a process with complicated and difficult emotions.  She didn't really have the time to process thru all of those things before getting involved with you.  Divorce also isn't just about the two people involved either.  Trust me- divorcees have a LOT of baggage to manage post- divorce.  From constantly having to explain to everyone who knew you, to people having all kinds of opinions and judgements about it, fall out from mutual friends, family, religious groups, etc- it's a LOT and she probably kept at least some of this from you.  

You're basically calling this woman your soul mate when she told you from the get go that she didn't really want a serious relationship.  You wanted different things right from the start. 

I don't understand what you are so confused about, when this all makes perfect sense. 

You were looking for something she wasn't ready to give.  She was leaving a marriage that she wasn't able to grieve or process before being with you.  She wasn't wanting a full scale relationship and it sounds like you were ready to give your entire heart and soul to her immediately.   It's pretty straightforward.  She was going thru grieving her marriage and you wanted her to jump right into relationship mode and then (by your own words) needed her to give you constant validation and pushed her boundaries (neither of which she wanted or was ready for).   You expected things she was in no place to give you.  She tried to tell you where she was at and yet you still pushed your own agenda forwards.  Is it then really surprising that she was confused and all over the place?   

I doubt she HATES you, OP.   The likelier story is that she knew she wasn't ready and still did it anyway.  She likely feels upset at herself for (or even blaming herself) for how her marriage ended.  She's likely upset with herself for settling for (not because of you, because of the SITUATION) a situation which she knew she wasn't ready for and didn't really want at the time. She likely still processing all the fallout over her divorce and probably got *** shamed from at LEAST some people for getting involved with you.  (which isn't your fault, but few men truly appreciate just how bad that sort of thing can get for women- Hell, I got *** shamed for starting to date 9 months AFTER my divorce!)   You are associated with this bad feelings for her.   She perhaps just realized that for her own mental health, she needed to step away from everything associated with her divorce, which includes you- to start anew.  

I don't see you having a relationship in the future.  But learn a couple lessons here for the future, OP.  Do Not get involved with someone who is still married or not yet fully divorced because this type of outcome is nearly always assured.  Learn not to push your own agenda onto someone who isn't on the same page.  When someone tells you what they want and don't want, what they are or aren't ready for- BELIEVE THEM.  Then you either accept their terms or you find someone who is on the same page about what they want and what they feel they have to offer. 

Live and learn.    

Thanks for the input! That really helps a lot. Why don't you see a relationship in the future when we are both fully healed? Is that out of the realm of possibility? 

[BreakingSad]

4 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks for the input! That really helps a lot. Why don't you see a relationship in the future when we are both fully healed? Is that out of the realm of possibility? 

Alos, even though she did tell me where she was at, it changed a lot. Sometimes, she was in full relationship mode. Sometimes she acted as a friend, sometimes she was wanting to have sex, sometimes she needed time by herself. I don't necesarrily feel I was overly pushy (maybe I was) but it was more of trying to keep up with what she wanted so I could adjust. But I can see where that came off as pushy. When she told me 'she loved me' 'I was her favorite person' 'We were soulmates 'It's you or no one else' - that doesn't seem like a casual thing to me. It's really hard to play the game when the rules kept changing - at least in my eyes. She thinks I'm a liar for not respecting her which is in part she doesn't trust me and thinks I'm a liar. Which hurts like hell - No one has ever called me a liar before. I did the best I can and at best it was a messed up situation (Again in my eyes). 

[redswim30]

1 minute ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks for the input! That really helps a lot. Why don't you see a relationship in the future when we are both fully healed? Is that out of the realm of possibility? 

Real talk.  You are forever going to be associated with her divorce.  That's the problem with someone leaving for someone else- even if she loved/still loves you- you are always going to have that association and who knows how others have influenced her feelings or perceptions of you.  

Sometimes when we need time to process, it can be healthy to remove all things associated with that hurt.  It's not even about YOU, it's about her and closeness you were (and partial reason for) to her divorce.  Honestly, when I got divorced, I wanted distance from everything associated with my ex- even things/people I liked.  

Even once she is healed, she may feel getting involved with you is a step backwards.  And she wouldn't be entirely wrong.   It's nothing against you, but she probably needs this clean break to move on with her life. 

I think you can find someone who is more in tune with your needs and wants.  

I truly do wish you the best of luck. 

[redswim30]

6 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Alos, even though she did tell me where she was at, it changed a lot. Sometimes, she was in full relationship mode. Sometimes she acted as a friend, sometimes she was wanting to have sex, sometimes she needed time by herself. I don't necesarrily feel I was overly pushy (maybe I was) but it was more of trying to keep up with what she wanted so I could adjust. But I can see where that came off as pushy. When she told me 'she loved me' 'I was her favorite person' 'We were soulmates 'It's you or no one else' - that doesn't seem like a casual thing to me. It's really hard to play the game when the rules kept changing - at least in my eyes. She thinks I'm a liar for not respecting her which is in part she doesn't trust me and thinks I'm a liar. Which hurts like hell - No one has ever called me a liar before. I did the best I can and at best it was a messed up situation (Again in my eyes). 

You're making this about YOU.   

Don't you understand?  Her feelings are about her own situation, her divorce, and her not having time to process anything. 

There's a reason people getting divorced don't usually want to jump into another serious relationship.  They aren't ready.  She wasn't ready, even if she truly liked you, had fun with you, etc- SHE WASNT READY for another commitment.  Sure, she went along with some things (and that was her mistake) but she just wanted to be casual and you didn't- so you need to be honest with yourself about that.  She told you what she could and couldn't give and you still wanted more than she had to offer you.  She was still married when you met, OP.  You wanted what she didn't have to give. 

You knowingly got involved with her when she JUST split with her husband.  It's not the same as splitting with a BF.   Then you act puzzled as to why she had an understandable rollercoaster of emotions.  Next time, get involved with someone who is truly emotionally ready and available to you.  You can't blame her for your own decision to involve yourself with someone who was still married and not ready to be with anyone.   (If she had been SINGLE and acted this way, my advice would have been totally different) 

You can't play with fire and then complain about getting burned. 

[BreakingSad]

37 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

You're making this about YOU.   

Don't you understand?  Her feelings are about her own situation, her divorce, and her not having time to process anything. 

There's a reason people getting divorced don't usually want to jump into another serious relationship.  They aren't ready.  She wasn't ready, even if she truly liked you, had fun with you, etc- SHE WASNT READY for another commitment.  Sure, she went along with some things (and that was her mistake) but she just wanted to be casual and you didn't- so you need to be honest with yourself about that.  She told you what she could and couldn't give and you still wanted more than she had to offer you.  She was still married when you met, OP.  You wanted what she didn't have to give. 

You knowingly got involved with her when she JUST split with her husband.  It's not the same as splitting with a BF.   Then you act puzzled as to why she had an understandable rollercoaster of emotions.  Next time, get involved with someone who is truly emotionally ready and available to you.  You can't blame her for your own decision to involve yourself with someone who was still married and not ready to be with anyone.   (If she had been SINGLE and acted this way, my advice would have been totally different) 

You can't play with fire and then complain about getting burned. 

I understand. I guess what I'm really looking for (and what I'm having an issue with) is forgiving myself. I feel so much guilt/regret for getting involved in the first place, trying to keep up with her shifts in emotions (She said she loved me for gosh sakes and doesn't want to be with anyone else - don't seem casual to me), and me causing the majority of the fights. It pushed her away and I can't reconcile it. Sure, she wasn't ready emotionally but then I feel she shouldn't have acted like it at certain parts. I know it takes 2 to tango but I'm really taking this hard on myself. 

I am trying to forgive myself and make some peace with this. Trust me, I know my shortcomings and what I did wrong...I obsess about it every day. Maybe I am just looking for validation that no matter what I did the outcome would have been the same. And she also had a major part to play in this in terms of what she did wrong. AND that her anger towards me and calling me a liar...is just maybe deflection or part of her grieving process. 

As I write this in tears...I just want to find some peace and forgive myself. Please help. 

[boltnrun]

Someone who turns on you and calls you a liar is not your "soulmate".

[Andrina]

14 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

As I write this in tears...I just want to find some peace and forgive myself.

It's called the hard knocks of life. We've all made mistakes, letting our hearts override our brains. I know I've made plenty of my own, even as for the most part, I'm an intelligent person with a lot of common sense.

Accept what you're feeling now is a normal part of the mourning process, and with no communication and treating yourself well with enjoyable activities and spending time with good friends, you will eventually get to the healing and moving on steps.

Take care.

[redswim30]

4 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I understand. I guess what I'm really looking for (and what I'm having an issue with) is forgiving myself. I feel so much guilt/regret for getting involved in the first place, trying to keep up with her shifts in emotions (She said she loved me for gosh sakes and doesn't want to be with anyone else - don't seem casual to me), and me causing the majority of the fights. It pushed her away and I can't reconcile it. Sure, she wasn't ready emotionally but then I feel she shouldn't have acted like it at certain parts. I know it takes 2 to tango but I'm really taking this hard on myself. 

I am trying to forgive myself and make some peace with this. Trust me, I know my shortcomings and what I did wrong...I obsess about it every day. Maybe I am just looking for validation that no matter what I did the outcome would have been the same. And she also had a major part to play in this in terms of what she did wrong. AND that her anger towards me and calling me a liar...is just maybe deflection or part of her grieving process. 

As I write this in tears...I just want to find some peace and forgive myself. Please help. 

You made a mistake for getting involved with someone who wasn't ready or on the same page as you, but it's not a crime.  Learn a lesson from this and move forward, that's all you can do. 

You can't make judgments on how she behaved.  Yes, she made a mistake by getting involved with you.  She should have said no, knowing how strongly you felt for her and that she wasn't ready, but that's also not a crime.  

Her gamut of emotions- I'm just telling you honestly, ok- are 100% NORMAL for someone just going thru a divorce.  Rarely is the person you date immediately or even while you are still married -which she WAS- is going to be your soulmate.  You're by default going to be the "rebound" while she's still reeling from all the divorce stuff.  Immediately following my divorce- I was an emotional MESS.  Feeling liberated one day to guilty the next to mournful the next to joyful the next- it's not unexpected.  It's a normal grieving process. 

IMVHO, no matter what you did the outcome would have been the same for two reasons. 

1. She just wasn't ready and she always going to associate you w/the divorce and have mixed feelings at best.  You are part of what broke up her marriage.  That's a HEAVY thing to reconcile for her, so you need to think about that from her perspective. 

2.  You started the relationship wanting different things.  You wanted commitment (in your own words a relationship) and she was still married.  Of course she was confused.  She probably thought she's had some fun and try to feel good about herself  (VERY common after a divorce) and realized that you wanted more (and maybe she did too on some level) but she knew she wasn't ready and therefore was angry with both herself and with you.  

OP, yes perhaps she did say some things she shouldn't have.  But at the end of the day, you were asking for commitment and emotional availability from a woman that was still married and then just newly separated. Of COURSE she was deflecting anger- she was still grieving her marriage and you expected too much. And she also likely felt guilt for feeling responsible for ending her marriage due to emotionally cheating with you, that was always going to have strong and complex emotional repercussions for her.    In all honesty, it's a myth that when someone exits a marriage they are going to immediately be happy and carefree, that's not realistic.  If you expected her to just ride off into the sunset with you, you weren't being realistic.  Again, that's not a crime.  But you need to first be honest with yourself that the odds of this relationship ending well under the circumstances were slim. 

You both made mistakes.  Learn from it and move on.   In the future, look for women that want the same things as you and are free to give you their all- you deserve someone who can really be there for you and you alone.   That wasn't her.