Struggling hard and need someone to talk to

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, BreakingSad said:

wish I didn't leave when she told me to. If I hadn't, we would

No, ignoring her wishes and staying around when she didn't want to be with you and forcing her to "talk" would not have resulted in a happy outcome. This was yet another illustration of how the two of you wanted something completely different.

You seem to think being together meant spending quiet time in each other's company, while she wanted to get out among friends and let loose. 

If you find yourself crying uncontrollably and unable to function please seek immediate help from a medical professional. You could be in a depressed episode that may not get better without treatment. 

[BreakingSad]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No, ignoring her wishes and staying around when she didn't want to be with you and forcing her to "talk" would not have resulted in a happy outcome. This was yet another illustration of how the two of you wanted something completely different.

You seem to think being together meant spending quiet time in each other's company, while she wanted to get out among friends and let loose. 

If you find yourself crying uncontrollably and unable to function please seek immediate help from a medical professional. You could be in a depressed episode that may not get better without treatment. 

Me specifically leaving that night is what caused her to break up with me. She was beside herself that I abandoned her. And she clearly said "leave then" out of anger and didn't really mean it. 

[Andrina]

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You have more right to be angry than her, that she used you as a stepping stone out of her failing marriage. She saw you as easy prey with your low self-esteem, and then just as easily as she leaped on, she quickly leaped off. Although anger is meant to be temporary, because it will eat away at you if you keep feeding it.

And this is all so immature-- interactions of he said/she said. People passing along gossip of what is hurtful and the opposite of being constructive. 

The best use of your time now is to work on building your self-esteem by reading about skills to do this, or going to therapy. Because people who possess a healthy self-worth will tend to have better success in vetting prospective partners. 

Take care.

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Me specifically leaving that night is what caused her to break up with me. She was beside herself that I abandoned her. And she clearly said "leave then" out of anger and didn't really mean it. 

Then she shouldn't have said it. It's ridiculous for her to get angry with you for doing what she asked you to do. 

However, I still think seeking professional assistance is a good idea. Crying uncontrollably and being unable to function in your daily life are serious. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

we got in a big fight because I wanted to spend time with her chatting and chilling with friends but she just wanted to party/dance.  I wanted to go home. she yelled at me and said "Well just ####ing go home then" and stormed off. 

"I’m 42 and she’s 26".  This has a lot to do with what happened. Add to that the recent divorce/freedom and it's the perfect storm for the above scenario.

There's not much you could have done except to hang around. However that would have not prevented this from it's inevitable end. She's too immature for you and too unstable to date at this time. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

Me specifically leaving that night is what caused her to break up with me. She was beside herself that I abandoned her. And she clearly said "leave then" out of anger and didn't really mean it. 

I'm really sorry you're hurting. 

And I really do hope that, in that pain, you can come to see the above in a different, less dramatic light. You leaving did not "cause" anything. No one was "abandoned." Nothing was said "in anger" but was not meant. 

What happened was a variety of things that were always in the mix from day one—her post-divorce emotional instability, the impulsive immaturity that can come with that, your own self-esteem issues, the chasm between her reality (casual only) and yours (serious only)—came to a head and exploded. This is a thing that happens. As others have pointed out, it is more likely to happen the more you have volatile components in the mix. You simply don't get much more volatile than "still married" and "just divorced." 

Think of it all like a literal chemistry experiment, which romance kind of is in a way. You pour liquid A and liquid B into a beaker, believing it will create a new compound that is both magical and stable. At first the hypothesis seems to be spot on: the liquid takes on a nice new color, bubbles up in interesting ways. But then, as often happens in experiments, it begins to boil, seeping over the lip, eventually shattering the glass. No liquid is at fault here, really. No liquid could have "done something different." Lab notes read: a seemingly positive mix that turned out to not be positive. 

Replaying the tape in your head, as you're doing, and looking for where you messed it all up is a natural and normal stage of grieving. It's a way of controlling things by giving yourself more power than anyone ever has in a relationship—e.g. if you messed it all up then you can make it all right again. Been there, plenty. It took me some lashings along the lines of what you're experiencing to see how much of a falsehood it is, always. It's a way of keeping at bay the hard-to-accept reality that the chemistry and connection was not what you thought it was. That is, in my experience, the absolute hardest pill to swallow when any relationship ends.

If you think about your present feelings—the crying, the struggle to sleep and eat—as being connected to swallowing and digesting that pill then try to imagine the internal state her own system has been in since you met her. This has been 8 months for you, a blip of your life. Her marriage was years, something that not only massive hopes were once invested in but something that became the very real fabric and foundation of her life—a life she is, at her age, still in the very earliest stages of inhabiting.

If you can find a way to see that as a hard fact, no difference than the existence of gravity or the five fingers on each of your hands, I think you will come to see that some of what is stinging most right now—this notion of her "hating" you, etc.—really has nothing to do with you at all. It is shrapnel in the detonation of the bomb of her marriage, and it sucks, big time, that some of it is now under your skin. But you can heal, and you will. Big hugs on that front. 

[BreakingSad]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

I'm really sorry you're hurting. 

And I really do hope that, in that pain, you can come to see the above in a different, less dramatic light. You leaving did not "cause" anything. No one was "abandoned." Nothing was said "in anger" but was not meant. 

What happened was a variety of things that were always in the mix from day one—her post-divorce emotional instability, the impulsive immaturity that can come with that, your own self-esteem issues, the chasm between her reality (casual only) and yours (serious only)—came to a head and exploded. This is a thing that happens. As others have pointed out, it is more likely to happen the more you have volatile components in the mix. You simply don't get much more volatile than "still married" and "just divorced." 

Think of it all like a literal chemistry experiment, which romance kind of is in a way. You pour liquid A and liquid B into a beaker, believing it will create a new compound that is both magical and stable. At first the hypothesis seems to be spot on: the liquid takes on a nice new color, bubbles up in interesting ways. But then, as often happens in experiments, it begins to boil, seeping over the lip, eventually shattering the glass. No liquid is at fault here, really. No liquid could have "done something different." Lab notes read: a seemingly positive mix that turned out to not be positive. 

Replaying the tape in your head, as you're doing, and looking for where you messed it all up is a natural and normal stage of grieving. It's a way of controlling things by giving yourself more power than anyone ever has in a relationship—e.g. if you messed it all up then you can make it all right again. Been there, plenty. It took me some lashings along the lines of what you're experiencing to see how much of a falsehood it is, always. It's a way of keeping at bay the hard-to-accept reality that the chemistry and connection was not what you thought it was. That is, in my experience, the absolute hardest pill to swallow when any relationship ends.

If you think about your present feelings—the crying, the struggle to sleep and eat—as being connected to swallowing and digesting that pill then try to imagine the internal state her own system has been in since you met her. This has been 8 months for you, a blip of your life. Her marriage was years, something that not only massive hopes were once invested in but something that became the very real fabric and foundation of her life—a life she is, at her age, still in the very earliest stages of inhabiting.

If you can find a way to see that as a hard fact, no difference than the existence of gravity or the five fingers on each of your hands, I think you will come to see that some of what is stinging most right now—this notion of her "hating" you, etc.—really has nothing to do with you at all. It is shrapnel in the detonation of the bomb of her marriage, and it sucks, big time, that some of it is now under your skin. But you can heal, and you will. Big hugs on that front. 

Thank you for the rational explanation and kind words. It sounds like we never had a chance. We did get along great when the emotional instability on her end seemed dormant. Right after her divorce it was fantastic. But yeah, as time went on, I think I became a different person and kept pushing her because she acted like she wanted one thing but then wanted another. I could never keep up and I guess it wore me down. I'm not trying to remove blame from my actions but I'm trying to take comfort that no matter how perfect I was, the outcome would have probably been the same. I got tangled up with someone who is much younger than me and just getting through a divorce / finding herself. I just muddied the waters for her.  So, I don't blame her for cutting me out and now putting in the work. It'll just take me some time to come to terms with the forever hatred she has toward me in this situation I think we were both to blame. 

[bluecastle]

7 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

It'll just take me some time to come to terms with the forever hatred she has toward me

Not sure if this helps with the coming to terms, but when I read the above I read you constructing a story more than stating a fact. I mean, "forever hatred?" That's a pretty loaded phrase that carries with it something you know is impossible: predicting the future and having an airtight understanding of another person's interior world.

I get it, I've done it, and am not someone who has won any awards for grace and humility in my own handling of heartbreak. But I'm also encouraging you to consider finding a pin and giving that balloon a little poke when the time is right. There is hot air here on all sides that needs releasing, as is the case of any relationship that has soured, and somewhere inside I think you already recognize that what you're calling "forever hate" is just a cocktail of grief that is very potent at the moment. 

Time will dilute it. It always does. Make sure to keep an ear out for the lessons here—they're there, and will offer you more comfort than you know as you let them seep in.

[BreakingSad]

25 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Not sure if this helps with the coming to terms, but when I read the above I read you constructing a story more than stating a fact. I mean, "forever hatred?" That's a pretty loaded phrase that carries with it something you know is impossible: predicting the future and having an airtight understanding of another person's interior world.

I get it, I've done it, and am not someone who has won any awards for grace and humility in my own handling of heartbreak. But I'm also encouraging you to consider finding a pin and giving that balloon a little poke when the time is right. There is hot air here on all sides that needs releasing, as is the case of any relationship that has soured, and somewhere inside I think you already recognize that what you're calling "forever hate" is just a cocktail of grief that is very potent at the moment. 

Time will dilute it. It always does. Make sure to keep an ear out for the lessons here—they're there, and will offer you more comfort than you know as you let them seep in.

That's fair. Those are harsh words that I have no idea that are rooted in reality. I guess I say 'forever hatred' because If I don't...my mind leaves the door open that one day the hate will subside, and she'll reach, and we can reconnect. But I can't bank on that, so I tell myself this story that she hates me (which she currently does right now), that's not going waiver and/or she'll forget about me = we're 100% done - despite not knowing the future. It's like the only way I don't hold onto the bargaining stage.

[Batya33]

Why do you keep assuming “even if I was perfect “ - where in the world is that notion from - no one expects perfect.  You’re constructing these impossible standards so you can knock them down 

I don’t think you ever connected in a healthful way because neither of you was available for a healthful relationship where you were on the same page/wavelength. So there is no reconnecting.

Sure anything can happen. I reconnected with my ex fiancée years later and we’re married. Had either of us cheated on the other or had a very emotional breakup with all that anger you described we wouldn’t have gotten back together let alone gotten married. In my personal case. 
Sure in years from now if she is single she might reach out and you two might get to know each other from a clean slate and at that point if you’re both single and if you two have stuff in common you two might be acquaintances or friends or even date. Typically former affair partners don’t because there’s too much bad history and reminders.  If she’s in her 30s by then the age difference might be less intense. 
given her age my sense is she will date around and enjoy her “freedom” and within a few years find a man in her age range to marry and start a family with. A fresh start.

 I doubt she’ll harbor any hateful feelings for you for more than a very short amount of time. It doesn’t mean she’ll want to be in touch. 
I’m sorry you’re sad 

[MissCanuck]

When was your last relationship, OP? And how did it go?

[BreakingSad]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When was your last relationship, OP? And how did it go?

A couple of years ago. I mean didn’t go well otherwise we would be together but we had differences and parted amicably. It was NOTHING like this. She never hated me or I ever hated her. We both knew we tried our best and it didn’t work. The way I feel about this woman is a fraction of what I felt for my ex. Not only the attraction but all the things we have in common and our conversations….all of it. That’s why it hits so hard. In my 42 years on this earth, I’ve never felt so strongly about someone. IT’S SOOOO hard to let go. Everything in my body is telling me to reach out and make things right. Which obviously I can’t because that would be disrespecting her boundaries. And as much as she hates me, I would never disrespect her or anyone like that. So, I just have to suffer in silence (unless my neighbors can hear me crying) and try to figure out a way to move on. Maybe we’ll reconnect some day or maybe I’ll be lucky enough to find someone a fraction as amazing. 

[BreakingSad]

I wish she wasn’t so special to me. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never had an issue with letting someone go or a breakup like this. 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

It was NOTHING like this.

I am guessing your ex also wasn't married when you met her. 

You met someone who was messy from the start here. Amazing women generally don't start sizing up other men while they are still going home to their own husbands. You have got this woman on a pedestal that she doesn't really deserve to be on. 

[bluecastle]

46 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I guess I say 'forever hatred' because If I don't...my mind leaves the door open that one day the hate will subside, and she'll reach, and we can reconnect.

Totally get it.

I first came to this site in the hopes that, if I presented my personal Chernobyl to the internet it would tell me how to turn it into a Garden of Eden. Less poetically, I wanted someone back who was bad for me a million ways to Sunday, and me for her. Or at least I thought that's what I genuinely wanted at the time. Time + this site pretty quickly clued me into what I really wanted, which was not to feel the full weight of the loss and fully recognize that my attraction to nuclear materials needed some attention so I could reset some inner gauges. 

My story is not yours, of course, but I do hope you can come to explore this all from a different perch. "I'm married," "I just signed the divorce papers," and "I only want casual," were unlikely not merely things you overlooked because sometimes the sparkle was so glittery, but were on some level drawn to and remain drawn to. Among the many qualities this woman has recently revealed to you—the stuff your body is calling for you to reach out to—are a hot/cold temper, damsel streak, and some weapon's grade immaturity.  

Odds are high that the little magnet inside of you that's drawn to all of that predated you knowing she existed. It's not some tragic flaw or toxic material, but simply something about yourself to get a little more intimate with so it doesn't have quite the same sort of pull in matters of intimacy. Maybe this chapter, hard as it is in the moment, can ultimately be about that.

Is there something inside yourself—or something from your past—that you thought could be fixed or cleaned up if you could make this whole messy thing work? As you've crested into your 40s have you found yourself more eager for partnership than at other junctures in your life? Those are just questions to mull on of the sort that can allow you to put a different lens on the grief microscope.  

[boltnrun]

That adrenaline rush? Those extreme emotions? Those highs and lows?  That's often mistaken for "true love" or "soulmates". You react strongly to her, ergo it must be love! But oftentimes it's just not. 

A very young woman who said pretty words and complimented you and spent time with you had to be flattering. It's exciting. But it wasn't sustainable.

Just out of curiosity, were you at this club with her and her young friends? Did you normally spend time with people in her age group while this relationship was going on?

I ask because my brother was involved with someone who made him feel like he was 19 years old again. It was so intoxicating to him that he married this woman and then went through all sorts of awful turmoil when they split up less than a year after they got married. 

[BreakingSad]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That adrenaline rush? Those extreme emotions? Those highs and lows?  That's often mistaken for "true love" or "soulmates". You react strongly to her, ergo it must be love! But oftentimes it's just not. 

A very young woman who said pretty words and complimented you and spent time with you had to be flattering. It's exciting. But it wasn't sustainable.

Just out of curiosity, were you at this club with her and her young friends? Did you normally spend time with people in her age group while this relationship was going on?

I ask because my brother was involved with someone who made him feel like he was 19 years old again. It was so intoxicating to him that he married this woman and then went through all sorts of awful turmoil when they split up less than a year after they got married. 

No, it was a Karaoke club (kind of weird to explain) but the age ranges were from 40ish-20ish. I barely hung out with her friends her age though. As a matter of fact, for awhile, she didn’t want anyone to know we were a thing. Mainly because of how fresh the divorce was. We would have to kiss in the hall way, or she would hold my leg under the table. I just thought of this but one time her mom came over unexpectedly to her apartment and I had to hide on her deck. She didn’t want her mom to know about me yet (until we were in an actual relationship) because she knew she would disapprove of the age difference. How degrading how that I think of it. 

[redswim30]

43 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

 As a matter of fact, for awhile, she didn’t want anyone to know we were a thing. Mainly because of how fresh the divorce was. We would have to kiss in the hall way, or she would hold my leg under the table. I just thought of this but one time her mom came over unexpectedly to her apartment and I had to hide on her deck. She didn’t want her mom to know about me yet (until we were in an actual relationship) because she knew she would disapprove of the age difference. How degrading how that I think of it. 

OP, you know how bad this is, don't you?  Is this how you would expect a "soulmate" to treat you?  Like they are ashamed of you? She didn't want anyone to know about you.  That's not just about how "fresh the divorce is".  She didn't want anyone to know you were a couple.  

 If you don't want to date so soon after your divorce or don't want people to know/judge you for it, the answer is pretty simple.  1.  Don't.   2. Don't go anywhere publicly with that person.  By taking you out publicly yet denying your existence as a couple, this is more than cruel and condescending to you.  (Instead of kissing you in front of them, she chose to humiliate you in front of them with a public fight- unless they are all stupid, they knew you were a couple, so why deny the loving aspects of it please see this for red flag it was- if it was just not wanting anyone to know, she didn't need to take you out at all) Making you literally hide from her mom?  That's beyond childish and degrading- it's insulting and shows what she really thought.  She would rather degrade you than own her own choices/mistakes or admit a relationship with you.  This doesn't sound like something a FRIEND would do that genuinely cares about you, much less a partner/lover. 

She lashed out at you rather than accept her own mistakes.  Her decision to "date you" actually shows her lack of care and respect for you as a person. Ok, she made a mistake, but it shows how selfish she is.   (You acted selfish by pushing an agenda you knew she didn't want/couldn't give).  Any way you approach this, this relationship is rooted in selfishness, not a TRUE LOVE formula or a strong relationship formula.  You both pretended to be ok with a situation that neither of you was truly comfortable with.  So, in a way, you did both lie to each other. 

She could have a had a conversation with you- a civil conversation that sounded like " Hey BreakingSad.  This isn't working out.  I had hoped maybe I could be ready to date but I've realized that I am not.  As much as I like you, I have to be honest that you want something more than serious than I am capable of giving you.  Because I care about you, I need to be fair and honest with you.  I associate you too much with my divorce.  I need time to heal and I need space.  I need to be free right now.  I cannot fully commit to anyone or anything right now.  I'm sorry for lashing out at you.  That wasn't right of me.  But the truth is, I'm dealing with fall out from my divorce and my emotions are a mess.  I simply can't be in a relationship right now.  So I'm calling it off and asking you to respect my space and privacy as I grieve and heal."  But she didn't. 

Someone DID raise an excellent point that I think you need to mull over- Why DID you pick someone who wasn't available in any way?  How did you expect this to end?  

OP,  please see the cold reality.   Don't give all your thought and energy to a MYTH.  IMO, You love the myth of who you thought this woman was or COULD be, not who she actually IS.  

I think the reasons she was so mad at you is a matter of projection.  She put you into a "fantasy bubble".   She had a crush on you.  She wanted to feel loved and desirable. You gave her those things.  She wanted something new (trust me, nothing is more intoxicating in the aftermath of a divorce than "different" and "new").  She wanted to feel special.  She may have wanted to score points with her ex (who is recovering faster), maybe she was jealous of HIM dating.   The minute you wanted some grounded reality, she was out- which I'm sorry, shows that you were only ever a "fantasy" to help her thru her divorce.  Once the fantasy faded, she didn't want the reality of being in a REAL relationship with you.  (Please don't delude yourself that this was simply about an age difference- a factor, sure. The be all?  No.  She just wanted a FLING and this was an easier to digest excuse for you.)  This woman was not your soul mate or your great love.  IMO, she wasn't even your friend.  She used you and threw you away.  She's mad that you busted her awesome little fantasy bubble.   With that bubble burst, she has to finally ADMIT some harsh truths about herself and your situation.  And she realized, she did not like the situation she had put herself in.  Of course she's mad.  You yanked her out of her fun non-accountability denial.  

Please review all the evidence that everyone has pointed out of who she actually is. 

I hope you are able to heal and find some peace. 

[BreakingSad]

43 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

OP, you know how bad this is, don't you?  Is this how you would expect a "soulmate" to treat you?  Like they are ashamed of you? She didn't want anyone to know about you.  That's not just about how "fresh the divorce is".  She didn't want anyone to know you were a couple.  

 If you don't want to date so soon after your divorce or don't want people to know/judge you for it, the answer is pretty simple.  1.  Don't.   2. Don't go anywhere publicly with that person.  By taking you out publicly yet denying your existence as a couple, this is more than cruel and condescending to you.  (Instead of kissing you in front of them, she chose to humiliate you in front of them with a public fight- unless they are all stupid, they knew you were a couple, so why deny the loving aspects of it please see this for red flag it was- if it was just not wanting anyone to know, she didn't need to take you out at all) Making you literally hide from her mom?  That's beyond childish and degrading- it's insulting and shows what she really thought.  She would rather degrade you than own her own choices/mistakes or admit a relationship with you.  This doesn't sound like something a FRIEND would do that genuinely cares about you, much less a partner/lover. 

She lashed out at you rather than accept her own mistakes.  Her decision to "date you" actually shows her lack of care and respect for you as a person. Ok, she made a mistake, but it shows how selfish she is.   (You acted selfish by pushing an agenda you knew she didn't want/couldn't give).  Any way you approach this, this relationship is rooted in selfishness, not a TRUE LOVE formula or a strong relationship formula.  You both pretended to be ok with a situation that neither of you was truly comfortable with.  So, in a way, you did both lie to each other. 

She could have a had a conversation with you- a civil conversation that sounded like " Hey BreakingSad.  This isn't working out.  I had hoped maybe I could be ready to date but I've realized that I am not.  As much as I like you, I have to be honest that you want something more than serious than I am capable of giving you.  Because I care about you, I need to be fair and honest with you.  I associate you too much with my divorce.  I need time to heal and I need space.  I need to be free right now.  I cannot fully commit to anyone or anything right now.  I'm sorry for lashing out at you.  That wasn't right of me.  But the truth is, I'm dealing with fall out from my divorce and my emotions are a mess.  I simply can't be in a relationship right now.  So I'm calling it off and asking you to respect my space and privacy as I grieve and heal."  But she didn't. 

Someone DID raise an excellent point that I think you need to mull over- Why DID you pick someone who wasn't available in any way?  How did you expect this to end?  

OP,  please see the cold reality.   Don't give all your thought and energy to a MYTH.  IMO, You love the myth of who you thought this woman was or COULD be, not who she actually IS.  

I think the reasons she was so mad at you is a matter of projection.  She put you into a "fantasy bubble".   She had a crush on you.  She wanted to feel loved and desirable. You gave her those things.  She wanted something new (trust me, nothing is more intoxicating in the aftermath of a divorce than "different" and "new").  She wanted to feel special.  She may have wanted to score points with her ex (who is recovering faster), maybe she was jealous of HIM dating.   The minute you wanted some grounded reality, she was out- which I'm sorry, shows that you were only ever a "fantasy" to help her thru her divorce.  Once the fantasy faded, she didn't want the reality of being in a REAL relationship with you.  (Please don't delude yourself that this was simply about an age difference- a factor, sure. The be all?  No.  She just wanted a FLING and this was an easier to digest excuse for you.)  This woman was not your soul mate or your great love.  IMO, she wasn't even your friend.  She used you and threw you away.  She's mad that you busted her awesome little fantasy bubble.   With that bubble burst, she has to finally ADMIT some harsh truths about herself and your situation.  And she realized, she did not like the situation she had put herself in.  Of course she's mad.  You yanked her out of her fun non-accountability denial.  

Please review all the evidence that everyone has pointed out of who she actually is. 

I hope you are able to heal and find some peace. 

She actually did have that conversation with me I’m not so many words. She said she needed her space and process her divorce. I supported that. What I can’t reconcile her is going into hate mode a week later and blocking me. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

She actually did have that conversation with me I’m not so many words. She said she needed her space and process her divorce. I supported that. What I can’t reconcile her is going into hate mode a week later and blocking me. 

You're making assumptions about "hate mode" -she's a 20-something freshly divorced woman who likes to party and dance -which is normal - and she likely has moved on from this as should you.  She doesn't want you unblocked because she wants to be able to meet people and date them without you being able to see her social media activity or be in contact with her.  I'm sorry you're sad.

[BreakingSad]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're making assumptions about "hate mode" -she's a 20-something freshly divorced woman who likes to party and dance -which is normal - and she likely has moved on from this as should you.  She doesn't want you unblocked because she wants to be able to meet people and date them without you being able to see her social media activity or be in contact with her.  I'm sorry you're sad.

I say “hate mode” because that’s what our mutual friend said. She is she is incredibly angry at me because the more she thinks about the relationship the angrier she got; because we fought and I didn’t respect her shifting boundaries. My friend said I would give her some time to cool off before reaching out. 

[BreakingSad]

Which I won’t reach out of course. I’ll never break NC unless she did. Even if I saw her in person I’d avoid her like the plague. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I say “hate mode” because that’s what our mutual friend said. She is she is incredibly angry at me because the more she thinks about the relationship the angrier she got; because we fought and I didn’t respect her shifting boundaries. My friend said I would give her some time to cool off before reaching out. 

I'd avoid such gossip and/or reading into what a mutual friend says/perceives.  Remember -all her emotions are intense and all over the place.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

she didn’t want anyone to know we were a thing. Mainly because of how fresh the divorce was. We would have to kiss in the hall way, or she would hold my leg under the table. I just thought of this but one time her mom came over unexpectedly to her apartment and I had to hide on her deck.

Why on earth do you allow someone to treat you like this? 

 

[BreakingSad]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why on earth do you allow someone to treat you like this? 

 

Good question for my therapist. She was ashamed (nervous maybe) of what people would think so soon after the divorce. She laid those expectations out upfront so I really can’t blame her. But yes, in retrospect it hurt. I guess I was in it for the long haul and was trying to respect her boundaries, be patient, and hope it would eventually pay off. So, I let it happen and at l the time it didn't bother me. And eventually - it was fine. Just a couple months after the separation. She just wanted time to tell her family and friends on her own terms instead of just finding out in a public way. Which I respect. 

Again, which I don’t care about. But yea, the bigger issue was why would I subject myself to this when I wanted so much more from the person I love. Well it was because I loved her…and yes I admit I wasn’t honest with myself or saw at the time I wasn’t capable of doing the ‘gray area’ thing. I thought I could and did try. But I kept pushing her boundaries / seeking validation because I had no idea where I stood from one week to the next. And because of that push/pull it caused me to act out in toxic ways / fights which I can admit (her as well but I’m focusing on me here). 

And I also admit I should have never gotten involved with a married/seperated/divoriced women - especially one so young. I like to think it’s an ethical boundary that I crossed because I got caught up in the romance (my parents raised me better). 

And she even tried to have the rational conversation on why we couldn’t continue this relationship a few weeks ago.  Our dynamic was stalling her healing process and causing unneeded stress. Which again I commend and respect her. It should have happened much sooner before I got involved.  

I say all because you’ve all been so kind sharing your thoughts and providing insight. I want you to know your words are not lost on me - you spent time out of your day to help me and I’m very grateful. 

But at best - despite our feelings - we made some poor decisions that doomed us from the beginning. Why the hell can’t she see that it was a crap situation, the game was rigged at the start, and it caused both of us to act in toxic/cruddy ways. But no - she thinks it had to with our communication style, or that I’m untrustworthy, or a liar, and she’s blocking me. It’s like ***.

I just want to explain to her all of this so she understands. And while I’m stupid I’m not that stupid. You can’t explain feelings and expect to change beliefs. if you think the world is flat - there is no evidence I can give you that will make you change your mind. And Over explaining within itself  is a trauma response  and a form of control. 

So, basically there is no getting this woman back. And if there was it would have to be when we’re both not wounded which means we both have to heal and move on. 

I hate the reality of that because I miss her so much and just want her not to hate me and just take our time to heal/grow and reconnect later. But this is apparently not an option so I say goodnight to you all while this 42 old man journals and balls his eyes out. Goodnight.