Struggling hard and need someone to talk to

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks for the input! That really helps a lot. Why don't you see a relationship in the future when we are both fully healed? Is that out of the realm of possibility? 

It's not about being "fully healed"- that's not why you're not together now and you were never together as an actual committed couple (married people can't date for one thing and once divorced she wasn't that into you) - it's about the baggage and you will always know this amazing person justified cheating on her husband. 

Why wouldn't she do the same thing to you (particularly given the age difference).  Also what fueled your interactions this time won't be there then - neither of you have any clue what it's like to interact with each other with in a situation where two single, available people see if they're compatible for a long term serious relationship.  Apples and oranges as compared to how  you two interacted in that context and in that timing.

Certainly forgive yourself -for one thing you didn't cheat on a spouse - but treat yourself better next time either by staying on your own or if  you don't promising yourself you will only date single available women.

 

[BreakingSad]

Thanks for the input, everyone. Here I was thinking there could be a chance down the road - friends or otherwise (because we were friends first) to slowly rebuild and reconnect. Even though, I would continue to live my life and not wait on her. But it's apparent that will never happen. Especially with her blocking me and having all this anger towards me. I will try to move on to acceptance. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Keep in mind that "separated" is still married.  Not only that, but she needs time to grieve  and adjust to the end of her marriage.  Also, she needs to get her ducks in a row, where ths doesn't happen over night.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. hopefully this ends in a lesson learned. Having said that, when all is said and done, you'll still land on your feet'

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks. She already took the liberty of blocking me. She has been deleted from my phone. I’d block her # but don’t remember it and I don’t ever see her reaching out. 

A lot of people meet many people throughout their lifetime and whether it's friends or relationships,  people come and go.  Not everyone was meant to remain in one's life.  Either it had run its course,  there were differences in personality and character,  incompatibility or it just didn't work out no matter how much effort,  time,  energy and resources were invested in it.  It's one of those hard facts of life which one ponders at the end of the day. 

Shop around.  Afford to become very picky and choosy because it will pay off.

[BreakingSad]

4 hours ago, redswim30 said:

You're making this about YOU.   

Don't you understand?  Her feelings are about her own situation, her divorce, and her not having time to process anything. 

There's a reason people getting divorced don't usually want to jump into another serious relationship.  They aren't ready.  She wasn't ready, even if she truly liked you, had fun with you, etc- SHE WASNT READY for another commitment.  Sure, she went along with some things (and that was her mistake) but she just wanted to be casual and you didn't- so you need to be honest with yourself about that.  She told you what she could and couldn't give and you still wanted more than she had to offer you.  She was still married when you met, OP.  You wanted what she didn't have to give. 

You knowingly got involved with her when she JUST split with her husband.  It's not the same as splitting with a BF.   Then you act puzzled as to why she had an understandable rollercoaster of emotions.  Next time, get involved with someone who is truly emotionally ready and available to you.  You can't blame her for your own decision to involve yourself with someone who was still married and not ready to be with anyone.   (If she had been SINGLE and acted this way, my advice would have been totally different) 

You can't play with fire and then complain about getting burned. 

 

48 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Keep in mind that "separated" is still married.  Not only that, but she needs time to grieve  and adjust to the end of her marriage.  Also, she needs to get her ducks in a row, where ths doesn't happen over night.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. hopefully this ends in a lesson learned. Having said that, when all is said and done, you'll still land on your feet'

She's officially divorced as of Feb. But all your advice still applies and I appreciate your kind words. Struggling bad 😞

[BreakingSad]

25 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

A lot of people meet many people throughout their lifetime and whether it's friends or relationships,  people come and go.  Not everyone was meant to remain in one's life.  Either it had run its course,  there were differences in personality and character,  incompatibility or it just didn't work out no matter how much effort,  time,  energy and resources were invested in it.  It's one of those hard facts of life which one ponders at the end of the day. 

Shop around.  Afford to become very picky and choosy because it will pay off.

Thanks for the kind words. I definitely will improve my life and move on. But there is still a little hope in me that she will get past the anger stage at one point and reach out; even if it's just as friends. But who knows...she seems to really really hate me right now. 

[Cherylyn]

32 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks for the kind words. I definitely will improve my life and move on. But there is still a little hope in me that she will get past the anger stage at one point and reach out; even if it's just as friends. But who knows...she seems to really really hate me right now. 

The problem with hope is that you're setting yourself up for a world of very unnecessary angst and pain.  There is a positive outcome for not holding out hope meaning it's accepting the situation for what it is.  Accept flawed and defective personality and characteristic traits and then become steadfast,  unwavering and absolute regarding how you will navigate your decision making,  choices and life from this day forward.  You become stronger,  tougher and more resilient.  Most of all,  you won't hope anymore because you refuse to be played for a fool.  You don't want the joke to be on you.  Avoid that scenario at all costs!  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  there are parallels.  I no longer hope for certain situations because there is strong risk for history repeating itself very negatively. 

Anger is a warning signal for you to steer clear permanently because should you engage with a person who possesses an uncontrollable,  volatile,  impulsive and explosive temper whether verbal or in written form,  beware because it will happen again and again and again.  A person like this exhibits a two-faced "Jekkyl and Hyde" personality.  They're extremely unstable.  Why set yourself for disaster? 

Remaining friends is unhealthy and unrealistic.  Be smart.  Part ways peacefully so you can really move on with your life.  (This means permanent no contact,  block,  delete and same with social media.  Make a clean break.)  Never drag yourself down with mentally unstable people otherwise you will give yourself a miserable life. 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

even if it's just as friends.

You don't want to be "friends". You want to be in a relationship with her.

Tell me, if she agreed to be friends and she introduced you to a new guy she's dating would you feel hurt? Jealous? Sad? If so, you don't really want to be "friends".

Anyway, why do you want to be friends with someone who lashed out at you, called you a liar and blocked you? Is that what your other friends do? Would YOU ever do those things to someone you consider a friend? 

Hopefully you will get to the point where you realize this woman is no friend to you. 

[greendots]

Look at it from this angle: Whatever this woman is going through right now, she has chosen to block you and react the way she has.

She could've dealt with the situation differently. She hasn't. That is how she deals with difficult circumstances. Unless she changes, that is how she will keep dealing with such situations in the future.

Her behavior is no reflection on you, on who you are. She's going through a personal process - stuff she needs to figure out on her own. You're responsible for your choices, not hers. You chose to be with a woman who knowingly wasn't ready to commit fully to you.

My earlier question still stands: why? This isn't criticism; merely suggesting some self-reflection on why you took an evidently challenging road. We all do it at some point and we learn from it.

You will get through this - even if it feels unlikely at the moment.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

As I write this in tears...I just want to find some peace and forgive myself. Please help. 

It doesn't sound to me like you committed any major offense. Why do you think you're having so much trouble forgiving yourself?

[BreakingSad]

50 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It doesn't sound to me like you committed any major offense. Why do you think you're having so much trouble forgiving yourself?

Because I caused a lot of fights (or at least I think so). Some of them stemmed from being hyper-sensitive on not knowing what we were or just being hyper-sensitive in general. She said she couldn’t even joke with me. She also said we had communication issues. Which mostly came from me. But I was actively working on them when we dated. I even had a checklist like…listen, empathize, repeat back what they’re saying etc. I did my best I thought. I have ADHD which makes it difficult sometimes. 

I also got irritated or ‘Eeeyore’ like at the end because I was going through some stuff and felt her losing the spark. She said where the heck did the fun/sexy person I met go? She felt she was deceived. Like we dated for 8 months but 2 of those were a lot of fights toward the end and that’s how she thinks I am. The more time she had to think…she thinks I was just a liar or putting on an act. I think that’s why she hates me now. 

I know there is nothing I can do about it but man…I am stuck in guilt and regret. I wish I was just a different person. I wanted to be the carefree person she needed and I messed it up. I freaking my best friend. And I know she’s dead now. Even if I saw her I know she would ignore me because she doesn’t trust me anymore. It’s like this thing unraveled before I could even catch my breath to think. 

[BreakingSad]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

Look at it from this angle: Whatever this woman is going through right now, she has chosen to block you and react the way she has.

She could've dealt with the situation differently. She hasn't. That is how she deals with difficult circumstances. Unless she changes, that is how she will keep dealing with such situations in the future.

Her behavior is no reflection on you, on who you are. She's going through a personal process - stuff she needs to figure out on her own. You're responsible for your choices, not hers. You chose to be with a woman who knowingly wasn't ready to commit fully to you.

My earlier question still stands: why? This isn't criticism; merely suggesting some self-reflection on why you took an evidently challenging road. We all do it at some point and we learn from it.

You will get through this - even if it feels unlikely at the moment.

Because we fell head over heels for each other. I’m 42 and I’ve never felt this way about a human being before. It was amazing. Outside of a lover, I’m missing my best friend - the person I confided in the most, the person I spoke with the most, the person I laughed with the most, the person I hung out with the most. I thought the challenge would be worth it in the end. Not devastate me to the point where I can’t do anything but cry in bed and miss the crap out of this woman.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Because we fell head over heels for each other. I’m 42 and I’ve never felt this way about a human being before. It was amazing. Outside of a lover, I’m missing my best friend - the person I confided in the most, the person I spoke with the most, the person I laughed with the most, the person I hung out with the most. I thought the challenge would be worth it in the end. Not devastate me to the point where I can’t do anything but cry in bed and miss the crap out of this woman.

But love is not enough and married women -separated is still married -can't date.  It's easy to have those feelings for an unvailable person and on top of that you two were not compatible.  She couldn't be your "best friend".

[BreakingSad]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But love is not enough and married women -separated is still married -can't date.  It's easy to have those feelings for an unvailable person and on top of that you two were not compatible.  She couldn't be your "best friend".

I agree with the first part but I do think we were compatible most of the time. It was the timing / situation that screwed things up. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

I agree with the first part but I do think we were compatible most of the time. It was the timing / situation that screwed things up. 

That means you weren't compatible for a relationship. It's not just "timing and situation" -you chose to get involved with a married woman.

[BreakingSad]

Just now, Batya33 said:

That means you weren't compatible for a relationship. It's not just "timing and situation" -you chose to get involved with a married woman.

Thank you. Like I said, I harbor a lot of guilt/regret because of how I acted toward the end of the relationship. And since I suffer from a low self-esteem it was hard to hear that she’s thinks I’m a liar and untrustworthy and went to hating me. That struck a chord. It makes me feel a little better that even if I acted perfect - the outcome probably would have been the same. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, BreakingSad said:

Thank you. Like I said, I harbor a lot of guilt/regret because of how I acted toward the end of the relationship. And since I suffer from a low self-esteem it was hard to hear that she’s thinks I’m a liar and untrustworthy and went to hating me. That struck a chord. It makes me feel a little better that even if I acted perfect - the outcome probably would have been the same. 

No one can act perfectly and in a relationship that should never be the expectation.  People with low self esteem tend to self-sabotage -as you did by getting involved with a married woman.  I'm sorry she's said such mean things to you.  

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, BreakingSad said:

she’s thinks I’m a liar and untrustworthy and went to hating me.

This is not a friend. 

I don't believe she's right about those things. She's a mess and unfortunately dragged you into it. However, getting involved with a married woman is always a bad idea. It's a tough lesson but I'm sure you'll be able to get through it and make better choices going forward. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Thank you. Like I said, I harbor a lot of guilt/regret because of how I acted toward the end of the relationship. And since I suffer from a low self-esteem it was hard to hear that she’s thinks I’m a liar and untrustworthy and went to hating me. That struck a chord. It makes me feel a little better that even if I acted perfect - the outcome probably would have been the same. 

One of my best friends wasted 4 years of her 20s  getting involved with a married man.  They were classmates/friends first.  She dated people during this time but when he told her he loved her she gave into temptation and got involved with him. She finally ended things a few years later. Then she met her wonderful husband.  But right before the wedding she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 2.5 years later.

Imagine if she'd known this - would she have made this choice with the short amount of time she had left??

[MissCanuck]

OP, I don't think this would ever have worked out. 

There were too many variables working against this from the very beginning. I believe this was only ever going to be a fling for her, and not something that had the legs to last. 

And the very fact that you wish you were a different person altogether means you were really not with the right woman here. 

[greendots]

7 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

Because we fell head over heels for each other. I’m 42 and I’ve never felt this way about a human being before. It was amazing. Outside of a lover, I’m missing my best friend - the person I confided in the most, the person I spoke with the most, the person I laughed with the most, the person I hung out with the most. I thought the challenge would be worth it in the end. Not devastate me to the point where I can’t do anything but cry in bed and miss the crap out of this woman.

You fell head over heals for each other. How so? What exactly made her that attractive to you? Keep on self-reflecting as I feel it will help you greatly.

Wishing you strength to get through all of this!

[BreakingSad]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I don't think this would ever have worked out. 

There were too many variables working against this from the very beginning. I believe this was only ever going to be a fling for her, and not something that had the legs to last. 

And the very fact that you wish you were a different person altogether means you were really not with the right woman here. 

Thanks for the reply. When I was myself we got along fine. I feel it was my issues that got in the way + the situation got too confusing for me. I just miss her so much and I can’t stop crying over how angry she is at me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

Thanks for the reply. When I was myself we got along fine. I feel it was my issues that got in the way + the situation got too confusing for me. 

How was your life before you got involved with this? Were you happy in general or having troubles with depression or anxiety? Were you in a relationship before this?

What types of "issues" got in the way?  

It's seems like she was all over the place emotionally and that has to do with her divorce, not you. She even said she's not ready for a relationship. 

Try not to beat yourself up over it. Even though you're lonely and miss the activity of it all, the solution may be to address the underlying cause of your despair. Not the temporary relief and distraction this situation created.

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're sad.  She's likely angry because all of her emotions likely are on steroids -she's been through a rollercoaster she created mostly by cheating on her husband and she invited you to come along for the ride and you went willingly.  So her intense positive emotions are simply mirrors for these negative ones -she's understandably in a whirlwind and she's relatively young -meaning she doesn't have the perspective of life experience an older person might.  I wouldn't take it personally at all. 

[BreakingSad]

Thank you. I still feel so much guilt because despite the emotionally availability/marriage stuff...We had a pretty big fight where we went to this galla/ball thing together as dates. And instead of spending time with me she drank Tequilia shots and just want to fast dance with me/her friends all night (and I'm not a fast dancer lol). Well, we got in a big fight because I wanted to spend time with her chatting and chilling with friends but she just wanted to party/dance. And it escalated with her yelling and I told her this wasn't productive, and I wanted to go home (But i drove her). So, she yelled at me and said "Well just ####ing go home then" and stormed off. So, I did (but first made sure her friends were there that would give her a ride home). That was her breaking point. I guess when she found out I left she had a major breakdown and told me the next day we were done. 

Not saying the outcome wouldn't have been the same later on but I always look back at that day and wish I didn't leave when she told me to. If I hadn't, we would still be talking today. 

I know it's a messed-up situation, but we were unbelievably close. It's so hard to fathom a life without this woman. And now that she essentially hates me/blocked me - I am coming to the realization that the person I knew is dead. And that I will most likely never see her again. My heart is absolutely in shambles. She was so important to me and now she is just gone. Never to be seen again. I mean we have mutual friends but there is no way I'll ever intentionally run into her because I couldn't emotionally handle seeing her hate me and avoiding me. I miss her so much and I wish I could just talk to her again even though she doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't stop mourning her loss of her. It's so hard to eat, sleep (I dream about her often), or even go to work. Her ghost is with me wherever I go and I hate it. I cant stop crying. I hate the pain and just want it to stop.