Hard time with jealousy on girlfriend being friends with exes and past FWB that still hit her up

[AtlanticCityJazz]

Hey everyone, 33M dating a 35F. We've been together about 2 years we each have a son from past relationships. I've always struggled with her past a bit (she has A LOT of past lovers). I'm kind of over that but I'm not over when they hit her up and she wants to interact with them and assures me they are just friends now.

A few months back, one hit her up and was like "want to get messed up and ***?"...they hadn't talked in about 2 years but they did hookup right before we started dating. She replied "No, I'm in a relationship but we can go get drinks in the city if you are visiting". She told me about this after the fact and I said I wasn't comfortable with her hanging out with the guy. She assured me they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. I was bothered that this "friend" didn't ask about her family, or her, or to see if she was in a relationship. It didn't seem like a worthwhile friendship to continue to foster yet she found that more important than just like ignoring the guy to keep me comfortable. She got very upset and told me I'm controlling and I can't tell her who she can be friends with. 

Fast forward to recently I had a bit of a jealous overwhelming over a comment she made and she offered to show me her phone as it relates to an ex she had mentioned. I found out the two of them have talked on the phone a few times in the last few months and had occasional texts. Nothing really bad but basically he ended a relationship a while back and then asked her if she wanted to have sex with him. Her response was "I can't I'm in a relationship right now, but sounds like a lot of fun". This made me really upset because she basically is keeping this guy on the hook. A few weeks later she had donated some of her hair to charity and she sent him a non flirtatious selfie showing her new hair. He instantly began going on how beautiful and sexy she is. He then sent her a picture of him at the beach shirtless and she had a basic "you look good to" reply which wasn't too bad. I was pretty fuming at this and then there was a last message where she had sent him a picture of a basic tea light candle. He sent back a drooling emoji, not other context. I confronted her about that and she assured me it was nothing, they used to go candle shopping all the time. I hadn't let go of this in the last few weeks and pretty much was like "I know that candle was some sort of sexual innuendo to which she said it was and it means nothing to her but she was telling a friend the story and thought he would find it funny when she sent it. 

I feel like the two of them are giving each other gentle touches to keep in their lives. She assures me that I am the man she wants to marry and she and him didnt work out and she has no interest and when I ask why its important that she stays friends with this past person she says because he ALWAYS wants whats best for me. I think she is reaching out to him to feel better about herself.

Basically I am ready to leave her over this because I had giant fights with her about the last guy and now this one. I have been fine with other male friends or exes who are married, but guys who are hitting you up to have sex and you are like "they are just friends, I wouldn't do that with them while I'm with you" is super uncomfortable with me. 

I would love anyone in a similar position to share their thoughts on if its all innocent or if I'm right in being ready to cut the cord. Thanks y'all.

[boltnrun]

So this is someone who prioritizes her "friendships" over her relationship with you. If she hasn't stopped in two years it's highly unlikely she ever will.

Of course you can't tell her who to be friends with. But what you CAN do is decide if this is the right woman for you. 

If you knew right now that she will never, ever give up these "friendships", would that motivate you to stay with her? Or cut your losses?

[Batya33]

I am very ok with being friends with exes and having opposite gender close friends and I would not be ok with these friendships because they cross lines as far as their texting about physical features/flirting that's more than harmless and because they're not supportive of your relationship.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Kwothe28]

She doesnt have friends. Friends are people who you hang out with but dont have romantic tendencies toward them. She has "orbiters". People who are very open about wanting to have sex with her and that she keeps close just in case. If you go out of the picture today some of those men would take your place tomorrow. It doesnt really matter that she doesnt have sex with them right now, if you are one fight away from it to happen. She knows it and they know it. That is why they persist and she keeps them there.

You cant dictate who she hangs out with. But you can damn well cut the cord and leave. Then she can have all the time in the world for those "friends" but without you in the picture.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

(she has A LOT of past lovers). I'm kind of over that but I'm not over when they hit her up and she wants to interact with them and assures me they are just friends now.

You made a good BIG point in mentioning she has a LOT of past lovers... Can I ask why you say she's said is is YOU she wants to marry? ( No offence, but, why would you want to?  ..lol).

I agree, she is continuing this crap with them to make herself feel better.  Ridiculous! 😕 .  If she is happy with herself & her relationship, THAT is what she should be focussing on.

IF I  was involved with someone & an ex was trying with me, he'd get nothing from me again.  When I am with someone, it's them.  I don't flirt with the past like that, I don't lead them on etc.  Total disrespect.

It's great to have some 'real' friends, but so often a guy would gladly 'act' as a friend, because he's got intentions behind it.  As mentioned, a true friend is someone you hang with & do stuff with. ( these guys are not true friends).

 

 

 

[AtlanticCityJazz]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. She genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong. Has anyone felt the way she does that could share your views?

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone. She genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong. Has anyone felt the way she does that could share your views?

Why is the standard whether she thinks she has done something wrong? This is a romantic relationship not a parent deciding on a consequence for a child who has done something wrong but doesn't understand what he did.  The standard isn't right or wrong is her behavior compatible with your standards about commitment, loyalty, even how you define love and caring in a relationship.

Another guy might be fine with it -it might excite him and turn him on and keep him on his toes.  So? 

 

[Andrina]

1 minute ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

Has anyone felt the way she does that could share your views?

No, but what my theory is, is that they value an ego boost more than they value a mature, loving relationship.

Even if she's a free-spirited lady who is loosey-goosey with rules and boundaries, if she loves her partner and he expresses how he's upset with this behavior, is it really a huge sacrifice for her to never again receive a random, flirty text from an ex, or to meet once every 3 years for drinks?

She's choosing that nonsense over prioritizing your feelings and the well-being of your relationship. The right relationship won't have you feeling regularly upset over the same issue. I wouldn't waste one more second on a harem-master.

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone. She genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong. Has anyone felt the way she does that could share your views?

Doesn't matter if SHE thinks she did anything "wrong".  What matters is if her actions are compatible with what you want and need in a romantic partner.  If the answer is "not really" or "no", that is all the answer you need.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

Basically I am ready to leave her over this

Good, because that is exactly what you should do. She doesn't respect you, and has terrible boundaries - and generally needs to be gone. 

4 hours ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

She genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong

Who cares? It isn't about what she believes. It's about how it makes you feel. And look, obviously she is going to say she isn't doing anything wrong. Admitting she's wrong would mean she has to give up all these guys, and she doesn't want to give them up. So of course she is going to stomp her feet about it. 

Just break up and be done with her. Find another woman is a lot more mature and respectful and is into you the way a girlfriend should be. This one just isn't. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, AtlanticCityJazz said:

. We've been together about 2 

A few months back, one hit her up and was like "want to get messed up and ***?"...

Sorry this is happening. How is your relationship overall? Do you live together? Are you actually planning to marry?

How did it come about that you know the contents of her communications?  There must have been something that prompted you to go through these conversations.

You seem to have different priorities and boundaries. For whatever reason she is encouraging sexting with these "friends". 

Step back and reflect. Do you really want to argue about whether sexting her past lovers is appropriate or not? Do you really want to be policing her phone? Or be in a cat-and-mouse game?

All you need to know is that it doesn't work for you and she's minimizing the attention she craves from this as "having friends".

It's true you can't control her or who she's "friends" with, but you can reflect if someone this thirsty for male attention is the right woman for you.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. One thing I learn about a person before investing is whether they are still involved with an ex in any way shape or form.

If so, I'm not out to judge or shame, I'm just not going to get involved with that person.

You're learning WHY.

We can't dictate what other people do, but we're each in full control of our own choices to mess with them--or not.

[Kwothe28]

On 4/1/2023 at 1:30 AM, AtlanticCityJazz said:

She genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong.

If she believed she has done something wrong, she wouldnt be doing it. But her moral norms are like that and she doesnt believe she is doing something wrong. She thinks its normal behavior to hang out wih people who want to have sex with her and dont even hide it. Which says a lot about her character. Again, there is nothing for you to try to fix there, she will always be like that and wont change. All you can do is move on.

[smackie9]

 Obviously she's pretty hot and great in bed...and for good reason. Guys are going to continue to acknowledge that. Attractive people get treated special all their lives, so when you have a very attractive woman, it's going to feel normal to her to have this type of attention. This is her world.....you had two years to figure this out. She is how she is. Don't like it? then send her off. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

 Obviously she's pretty hot and great in bed...and for good reason. Guys are going to continue to acknowledge that. Attractive people get treated special all their lives, so when you have a very attractive woman, it's going to feel normal to her to have this type of attention. This is her world.....you had two years to figure this out. She is how she is. Don't like it? then send her off. 

Interestingly, while I don't consider myself "hot" or "very attractive", men I've had relationships with have told me I'm a firecracker in bed. I've had four of them reach out YEARS after we'd stopped dating to tell me they still think about our sexual experiences. One of them told me he thinks about sex with me "always". 

I'm not saying this to brag but to say it's not just the "hot" people who are good in bed. She can be average or even below average in appearance but be wild in the sack. 

OP, it doesn't matter if she thinks she's doing anything "wrong". What matters is if she's the wrong one for you based on her actions.

[lostandhurt]

On 3/31/2023 at 3:04 PM, AtlanticCityJazz said:

"I can't I'm in a relationship right now, but sounds like a lot of fun".

This is all you need to know.  She didn't reply "I am very much in love and in a relationship with a great guy. Don't contact me a again if all you want is sex" 

This is why having ex sex partners as "friends" NEVER adds to a relationship, it only provides a negative. 

 These men are not friends as they only contact her to have sex but she then offers to "visit".

 Pretty frequently these posts show up here and if you do a search you can read thread after thread of people just like you eating their emotions and feelings just to stay with someone that basically doesn't care that their actions are hurting them and the relationship.

 In a nutshell your gf has a bunch of male friends she stays in contact with that want to bang her and only seem to want to be her friend when they have just broken up or are lonely.

 She will not change as this works for her but it clearly does not work for you. I don't see this as a healthy relationship in the least.

I am sorry this will end sooner or later.

 Lost

[greendots]

On 3/31/2023 at 6:38 PM, Batya33 said:

  The standard isn't right or wrong is her behavior compatible with your standards about commitment, loyalty, even how you define love and caring in a relationship.

This is what you should be focusing on in my opinion. She may have been a seductive flirt when single, but now that she's in a committed relationship she's still entertaining and quasi nurturing her former lovers' advances. She isn't enforcing stronger boundaries. Are you okay with that?

On 3/31/2023 at 5:04 PM, AtlanticCityJazz said:

"I can't I'm in a relationship right now, but sounds like a lot of fun"

Having similar values–that's what matters. If your values don't mesh, find someone who feels the same way about you on what is/isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

 

[Cherylyn]

She isn't compatible to your values and principles.  Both of you are incompatible. 

You would be smart to leave her and cut the cord. 

Go NC (no contact) forever,  cut the cord forever,  remove all social media,  block and delete her permanently. 

Move on.  Get a fresh start. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

These men are not friends as they only contact her to have sex but she then offers to "visit".

Yep. A real friend supports their friend's relationship--they don't try to have sex with them.

You're in a sad place if you're willing to tolerate GF's defense of these poachers in order to just stay in her orbit.

Unfortunately, this won't get any better, it'll just keep getting worse. Why not? You're already putting up with it, so she can just keep pushing that envelope as far as she wants with no consequences beyond a bit of complaint from you. So?