Stuck in between sister/nephews/spouse

[LostSheep]

I have been married for about 3 years now, after dating for about 5 years. My husband used to get along well with my nephew, but over the year i noticed the change in him. 

He likes to irritate my nephew initially by making them cry. He would always tell me that is his way of 'playing' with the kids.

As both my nephew started growing up, their energy level expanded and some times they can be loud while playing or talking. He gets annoyed by this. My mother in law actually told my mum that he dislike noise and he did mentioned to MIL that both my nephews are very noisy. And to 'not mind him too much'. 

Now, his behavior is making me stressed up. He will do things like pinching or sometimes hitting my nephew. We have had a  few big fights before  due to all these issues. Every single time when I bring up the issue of not wanting him to discipline the kids, he will use his status saying if that is the case, he is just a uncle in name. I dont mind him scolding my nephew if they misbehave, but I do not agree that he have the rights to hit or pinch other people child, I dont do that to other people kids, not even my nephew. I will discipline by being firm in my words or scold them and make them understand what is wrong. 

He would then say their parent - my sister or my parent are not disciplining so he would take their place instead. Making it worse, he said things like because my sister and parent are not discipling them well that is why they are are behaving in such manners. I do not think that he have the rights to talk about other family teaching method and manners, I was brought up this way too - does it mean I behave badly and am not well mannered? And when I said I do not think that he is right to raise his hands on other people child, he would ask me why are my parent allowed to do so if they are also not the parent.. 

My sister is not very happy with how he treated my nephew as well but have never voiced out to him because she did not want to make things awkward. ?She tried before and he said that she is just protecting her child from the wrong thing.. Im at a loss. 

I m tired being stuck in between and my message to him doesnt get through. I dont see him behaving like this to our friends kids and I definitely do not see him behaving this way with his nephew even though when asked, he claimed that he will scold them too if they misbehave. 

Speaking to him does not work because he refuse to listen to what i have to say and emphasise I am always siding with the kids and am always over reacting or being drama. I need help or advice on how to deal with this. 

[Seraphim]

No one would abuse my child. He would never be back. Anyone who hit my child would have the police called on them. Your sister needs to do that, period. 

[Batya33]

He’s not disciplining.  He’s dealing with his annoyance by acting out and hitting these kids. He’s just a big ole bully. But the kids think of him as family so they likely won’t complain or ask parents to intervene which they might if it was a baby sitter or teacher. It’s dangerous for them to be subjected to this. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, LostSheep said:

He will do things like pinching or sometimes hitting my nephew.

I'd inform husband that it's 100 times louder in prison, and if he touches a child ever again, I'll make sure he gets put there.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LostSheep said:

 I do not agree that he have the rights to hit or pinch other people child,

Do you all live in the same household? Why is your husband even near these children? 

Ask your sister to keep her children away from him.

If he is a child abuser, don't have children with him. 

 

[LostSheep]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you all live in the same household? Why is your husband even near these children? 

Ask your sister to keep her children away from him.

If he is a child abuser, don't have children with him. 

 

We don't live in the same household but as we stay near each other, my sister and I would often gather and spend time at my mum's place.. probably about 2 to 3 times a week.

[LostSheep]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He’s not disciplining.  He’s dealing with his annoyance by acting out and hitting these kids. He’s just a big ole bully. But the kids think of him as family so they likely won’t complain or ask parents to intervene which they might if it was a baby sitter or teacher. It’s dangerous for them to be subjected to this. 

The kids do treat him like family.. and i fully agree he is only dealing it by acting out but classified it under 'disciplining' by abusing his authority as an adult, as their uncle.  

No matter what i said, he would just rebut. I need a method to communicate effectively with him. To make him see what is wrong with his behaviour. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LostSheep said:

, my sister and I would often gather and spend time at my mum's place.. 

Keep your husband away from children. It's your job to protect children from a child abuser, like your husband.

Was this an arranged marriage? Can you have the marriage annulled or divorce before you get pregnant? Use contraception until you can get rid of him.

Stop arguing with your husband about this. Just keep the children away from him.

You and your husband seem to have a lot of unresolved issues. But as the adult protect your sisters kids from him.

[1a1a]

It’s not a negotiation. Tell him he isn’t allowed to discipline the kids in his way. 
 

Whatever he says back to that ‘I respect that you feel like that but this is a hard boundary and I need to you to respect it’. 
 

Or skip this discussion entirely and stop inviting him to places where the kids will be. 
 

Agree with the others if he’s not willing to flex on the method of discipline don’t have kids with this guy. 

[MissCanuck]

You and your sister are failing these children. 

They need to be protected from abuse. Neither you nor she are doing your jobs as the adults in this situation. Never let these children around your husband, ever. 

If you do, the abuse is on you and her. Full stop. 

[Capricorn3]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You and your sister are failing these children. 

They need to be protected from abuse. Neither you nor she are doing your jobs as the adults in this situation. Never let these children around your husband, ever. 

If you do, the abuse is on you and her. Full stop. 

^ I agree with all of the above.  Your husband is a bully and a child abuser.  As such, your sister should not allow him around her children, and the next time he pinches or hits her kids then you should pack his bags and send him on his way until her learns this is not acceptable behaviour.  Better still, he should be reported.

That said, I have a feeling this could be a cultural thing, and if so, maybe it's more acceptable for adults to "beat on their kids".  If it's culturally acceptable, then I am not sure how you're going to handle this other than leave him.  -  I would also NOT have children with him until he gets his bullying and abusive behaviour sorted out.

[Seraphim]

4 hours ago, LostSheep said:

The kids do treat him like family.. and i fully agree he is only dealing it by acting out but classified it under 'disciplining' by abusing his authority as an adult, as their uncle.  

No matter what i said, he would just rebut. I need a method to communicate effectively with him. To make him see what is wrong with his behaviour. 

Uncles have no “ authority “ to discipline a relative’s children. My husband has never spoken a harsh word to our nieces let alone discipline them. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is your husband even near these children? 

I would ask the same thing. 

Your husband isnt relative of kids, you are. You at least have some authority over them, he has none. He isnt their teacher in school so he doesnt have any authority over them. Even if he had those, he cant hit them or even yell at them. From obvious reasons.

So why you even let your husband near those kids?

Go see them yourself and leave husband at home. In fact, leave husband alltogether. As he has violent tendencies, there is a good chance if you ever decide to have kids with that guy, he would do the same thing. Be violent with them. Not a really good look and you should be aware of that before you commit further.

[Coily]

If your husband was say stopping the kid from wielding a knife and then disciplining your nephew that would be one thing.

This does not sound like the case. Unfortunately I don’t think you or your sister will get through to the lout. Where is the nephew’s father or other male figures? They should be the ones to handle this, as from your description your husband will ignore women telling him to do back off and behave. And if one of those men take a swing at your husband, a “I told you so” is in order.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, LostSheep said:

The kids do treat him like family.. and i fully agree he is only dealing it by acting out but classified it under 'disciplining' by abusing his authority as an adult, as their uncle.  

No matter what i said, he would just rebut. I need a method to communicate effectively with him. To make him see what is wrong with his behaviour. 

It doesn’t matter how the kids see him because they are kids and family can be abusive too.
the only method that’s appropriate in their best interests is to tell him he is not allowed to touch any of the kids or discipline them. If they act disrespectfully to him personally he can tell their mother or father and he is allowed to say to the child “I don’t like when you speak to me that way”. 

you can’t communicate with a bully as far as the bully suddenly seeing the light and changing his ways. 
It also doesn’t matter that he’s not a blood relative. My aunt isn’t and I consider her family just like my uncle. Discipline is up to the parents. He can insist he be treated with respect by expressing that in a respectful way or leaving the room. 

[boltnrun]

Children often love their abusers, which makes the situation even worse and more tragic for them.

There's no discussion necessary. Tell your husband he either keeps his hands off those children or YOU will call the authorities on him. Period.

BTW, are you OK with him pinching and hitting your children for being noisy (which ALL children are!) should you two ever have any?

[arjumand]

I am sure your husband has other unpleasant behaviors you are ignoring — o am going to bet that he is rather controlling and that you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells. 
 

This is not a high-quality person—he is a nasty abuser. Get him out of your life and get help to figure out why you are okay with this before you get in another relationship. 
 

BTW, you allowing this to happen means you are abusing those children as well — and when they get older telling them you didn’t know what to do is not going to redeem you — it will just show them that you are weak and didn’t really care about them. Don’t be shocked when they have nothing to do with you. Instead, take care of the problem. 

[Lambert]

I think your husband is/has selected your nephew as a target for his abuse.

it's up to adults to protect child from abuse. End of story. You see this.  You recognize it enough to ask for other's opinions. You know he is wrong and your poor nephew. This could definitely harm him long term, make him become abusive. 

I was never disciplined by an aunt or an uncle and I never discipline other people's kids including my own neices and nephews. I may explain to them if I see them doing something dangerous but that's it. Only the parents can discipline. 

And what's an "uncle in name only"? There are no official uncle duties. This is some self righteous bs he made up. 

Sorry to say you are an enabler. You see it, you say stop but you do nothing. You brought this brute into the family, protect your nephew! 

[Batya33]

You know the only time I “parented” my niece was when she slept over at my house when she was a child. Even then I didn’t discipline.  She had to follow my “rules “ as far as being appropriate etc but I wasn’t strict and she was fine. One time she got a nose bleed. I wanted her to wait to shower with hot water so the bleed didn’t start again. She didn’t want to comply.  
 

So we called my sister who told her that whatever I said is the rule. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Parents discipline and if someone else is babysitting or in the place of the parents as I was then other than common sense manners and respect there’s communication about what’s expected as far as the caregiver “disciplining”.  always defer to the parents. 

[tattoobunnie]

Pinching isn't discipline.  It's abuse that is a buildup to straight hitting.  If your sister isn't going to kick him out, you must do it.  Kids don't know how to protect themselves, so just accept it; and it becomes their normal.  This is why child molesters and child predators are people they know.  The build up slowly to gain their trust.  

[Seraphim]

18 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Pinching isn't discipline.  It's abuse that is a buildup to straight hitting.  If your sister isn't going to kick him out, you must do it.  Kids don't know how to protect themselves, so just accept it; and it becomes their normal.  This is why child molesters and child predators are people they know.  The build up slowly to gain their trust.  

CORRECT, and statistics 100% bear this out. Children are abused by people they know and family far far far more than by strangers. I was abused by family, people I should have been able to trust. However, sickos hide in families.