Introduction to family and friends

[Angel_325]

Hi all, I would like to get your opinions. Would you feel weird if your boyfriend with whom you have been exclusive for 2 months still has not introduced you to any of his friends or family, even though you know he has introduced exs in the past much quicker? Let's say you've been together for about 4 months. I know that 4 months is too quickly but would you feel weird if you knew that exs were introduced after only a few weeks? His family does know about me but they have never met me and most of his friends don't know about me except for one or two good friends. Now I will say that his last relationship was years ago when he was much younger so I'm not sure if that affects anything.

[moodindigo91]

Stop comparing your relationship with your boyfriend to his relationships with his exes. Period. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

His family does know about me but they have never met me and most of his friends don't know about me except for one or two good friends. 

Has he met your friends and family? Suggest a get together with a couple of his friends. 

Does he talk about exes excessively? Is this the same man?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/454426-boyfriend-talks-a-lot-about-past-crushes/#comment-5767576

 

[Cherylyn]

When my husband and I were dating for 2 months, I was introduced to his family and friends.  It was wonderful.  They all welcomed me and I couldn't have been more thrilled.  I enjoyed being with my husband's local friends in particular.  His local family are nice.  My husband's friends are amazing.  I'm proud to say they're my friends, too.  They're extremely classy.  In fact, my husband and I got together with his friends (from long ago) last weekend and we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast together.  The day prior was a picnic and football game.  Great times. 🙂

I would ask your boyfriend to introduce you to his family and friends and include you socially.  I wouldn't broach the topic about his ex girlfriends and when they were introduced to your friends and family.  Only speak for yourself and no one else otherwise you'll provoke a heated argument and your boyfriend will become defensive.  Sometimes people, your boyfriend included may be clueless and you'll have to give him a heads up (reminder). 

[bluecastle]

I would feel most weird if I was spending the first few months in my relationship with someone comparing things to my ideas about another relationship they were in before me. If those comparisons were being triggered by my own insecurities, I would work on those. If they were being triggered by the way someone was acting—like, say, talking a lot about their exes—I would question whether or not this was a relationship I wanted to be in. 

That's the main stuff, from my perspective. 

Per the specifics, I guess it all depends. For me, personally, I could only be so serious about someone until I met their friends, got to know their world a bit more. Whether that happened on the third date or the third month wouldn't matter so much, but generally speaking I wouldn't be in an exclusive relationship with anyone I didn't know very well, and I consider getting to know someone's friends a crucial step in getting to know a human being. 

[Angel_325]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he met your friends and family? Suggest a get together with a couple of his friends. 

Does he talk about exes excessively? Is this the same man?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/454426-boyfriend-talks-a-lot-about-past-crushes/#comment-5767576

 

Yes, this is the same man but he has since stopped talking about past crushes as much as he realized that it was causing insecurities. I suggested meeting some of his friends and he said yes but then when he actually met a friend or two he didn't invite me to come along, though he said it's because he wanted me to meet all of them at once not one by one individually.

[Andrina]

57 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

His family does know about me but they have never met me and most of his friends don't know about me except for one or two good friends. Now I will say that his last relationship was years ago when he was much younger so I'm not sure if that affects anything.

Do you know for a fact anybody you've mentioned really knows about you, or are you merely assuming because he's told you this.

How old is he now and how many years ago was it that his last major relationship ended?

36 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

I suggested meeting some of his friends and he said yes but then when he actually met a friend or two he didn't invite me to come along, though he said it's because he wanted me to meet all of them at once not one by one individually.

Yes, that's extremely abnormal behavior. Usually players hide their girlfriends because they don't want their buddies telling him what a dirtbag he is. Or, he has a harem of female friends, so he likes to keep an illusion of availability because he likes flirting with them, even if he's not dating them.

Do you have a personal deadline of when you would split if he fails to elevate your relationship to the next natural step?

[Angel_325]

13 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Do you know for a fact anybody you've mentioned really knows about you, or are you merely assuming because he's told you this.

How old is he now and how many years ago was it that his last major relationship ended?

 

Yes, I know for a fact that some of his friends know about me because I have heard him speak on the phone with his friends that picked him up from my place telling them that he was at his girlfriend's place. But I know he hesitated to tell his friends because he's very private as the relationship was very new.

His last relationship was in his early twenties and it only lasted 2 months however he introduced the girl to his family. He is 32 now. I know he has a relatively recent family situation involving his grandmother that has caused them some anguish so I wonder if that may be a contributing factor to why he hesitates to introduce me to his family. He's also much younger than me so I wonder if he has a concern about me being able to get along with his friends as usually when they go out they go drinking but I don't drink. He is saying that he's making plans to introduce me to his friends and I think it will happen in the near future but I think he needs more time. It just makes me feel uncomfortable that it's taking him much longer with me than it has taken him in the past.

[Kwothe28]

Its individual. You mostly introduce SO to a parents when its serious. Because it would be extremely ankward to introduce your every bf/gf to parents. But when its serious its OK to do it. He was maybe burned before with that so now he waits.

On the other hand, friends arent that much of a trouble as you bring along your date to a gathering and can introduce them to your date. Having almost a 6 month relationship, without even getting introduced there, is a clue that he maybe doesnt view you as seriously as you think he views you. 

[Lambert]

I think you are thinking about it & looking for meaning and he is not. 

If YOU think he's not introducing you and it's weird behavior, then it is.  Seems a weird response to me that he wants you to meet all his friends at the same time.  Why would that be exactly? 

Is he buying time? Maybe.  It's hard to get a whole group of friends together.  So that's convenient.

some thing is probably off with you guys.... and you're ignoring red flags.

Think about what you want.  Tell him. Give him the opportunity to meet your wants and needs. If he doesn't, dump him. 

You're not asking too much, you might be asking the wrong person.  

If you can't talk to him about this and be honest, stop wasting your time.  it won't get better. 

[Andrina]

15 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

His last relationship was in his early twenties and it only lasted 2 months however he introduced the girl to his family. He is 32 now.

Oh, wow. Is that not a red flag to you? No major relationships in a decade? I imagine he doesn't integrate women into his life like normal serious-minded guys would, so they get tired of this and dump him. 

16 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

He's also much younger than me so I wonder if he has a concern about me being able to get along with his friends as usually when they go out they go drinking but I don't drink

I don't know about you, but I prefer a SO to have healthy hobbies. I rarely drink either, and if a guy's major interest was regularly going out drinking with buddies, we'd be incompatible. To me, when that activity is regular, it's never conducive to a happy relationship.

He sounds like a frat boy, and you say you're much older. I don't know if you've been having a dry spell or whatnot, and that'a why you have found him appealing. I'm not criticizing, as I briefly tolerated inappropriate men for myself after my first marriage ended because I was clearly not in the right mindset at the time. I'm just mentioning it in case it'd be helpful for you to ponder that that might be the case.

What is the age gap?

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

In sorry you're going through this. Always trust your gut feelings.

He has so many read flags leaving you feeling inadequate.

It's not worth it. He's not worth it. I would break it off and tell him this isn't working.

But for some reason, you want to give him excuses. What do you find so attractive about him? Why can't you honour and respect your feelings?

[Angel_325]

To everyone who responded that there are red flags, I do understand and I have thought about it. But I've also tried to be understanding in that he hasn't been in a relationship in a long time and he actually initially wasn't looking for anything serious but when he met me he started liking me and because things were going well we became official after less than 2 months. He is extremely private and didn't tell his friends he had a girlfriend until after we became official, and not immediately after, but he didn't tell all his friends just a couple of them. He is not even very active on social media for privacy reasons. I also am trying to be understanding in that the way one approaches relationships when they're 20 is probably going to be different than the way they approach relationships at 32 so if he introduced a girl quickly to his family when he was 20 it doesn't mean that he would move as quickly at 32, even though he said he really likes me, which I believe. But I still feel weird about it but not sure if it's more me than anything.

[Mammalyssa]

2 months in... I wouldn't even want to meet his friends and family that early.  

[Cherylyn]

27 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

To everyone who responded that there are red flags, I do understand and I have thought about it. But I've also tried to be understanding in that he hasn't been in a relationship in a long time and he actually initially wasn't looking for anything serious but when he met me he started liking me and because things were going well we became official after less than 2 months. He is extremely private and didn't tell his friends he had a girlfriend until after we became official, and not immediately after, but he didn't tell all his friends just a couple of them. He is not even very active on social media for privacy reasons. I also am trying to be understanding in that the way one approaches relationships when they're 20 is probably going to be different than the way they approach relationships at 32 so if he introduced a girl quickly to his family when he was 20 it doesn't mean that he would move as quickly at 32, even though he said he really likes me, which I believe. But I still feel weird about it but not sure if it's more me than anything.

Age doesn't matter.  If you're official and it's serious with a very strong potential for a future together, yes, you should meet his friends, enjoy social activities together and whenever he's with his family, if they're local, casually meet them. 

I remember when I was dating my husband.  He was eager for me to meet his friends and family and I looked forward to it.  Everyone was very kind to me.  However, naturally, during social settings, we were with his friends more than his parents and siblings. 

At two months, there isn't any great urgency to meet his friends and family.  Wait a couple of weeks or one more month and then it should be time to be introduced to his friends and family. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

I don't know about you, but I prefer a SO to have healthy hobbies. I rarely drink either, and if a guy's major interest was regularly going out drinking with buddies, we'd be incompatible. To me, when that activity is regular, it's never conducive to a happy relationship.

Yes- this - I agree. I dated a man seriously for a few years who -in hindsight -had drinking issues - I didn't drink - I mean I would have less than one alcoholic drink but I did not get drunk.  We did go out with his friends and there was drinking involved but also lots of dancing at clubs which I loved -we were in our early 20s. 

And he did have some other friends who did other things -we went camping, to the movies, out to dinner, walked around the city, etc.  But the drinking -the extent of it -was a problem for sure and I had a problem with how much certain of his friends drank.  He also was kind of private about his friends and mixing us but since we met through mutual friends it was kind of natural to hang out with them.

Your new boyfriend sounds uncomfortable in his own skin -meaning he's comfortable going out drinking with his friends but is uncomfortable integrating you into his life right now.  That is why he's putting all these restrictions on it.  Also maybe he's afraid they'll mention the women he was mentioning to you and if they are drunk, harder to control.  

Typically in my serious relationships I had the guy meet my parents within the first few months and usually at a small family gathering or maybe at a dinner when my parents were in the city for a day.  My future husband and I met each other's parents within the first two months. 

My husband met them when my sister and 3 of her kids were there (one I think wasn't born yet!) and my then 8 year old niece said "If you don't marry my Aunt will you please marry me???" (No! We had not discussed marriage after dating two months!) He took it so well lol and they always had this special sort of bond!   So be prepared for um awkward moments.  

My husband and I were very into each other meeting the other's friends and family.  Open book on both sides.  In part I did want to get my friends' input (they loved him!) and yes I also wanted to see who his friends were.  And you know -it was fun! We did all sorts of activities with them.  

I will say though in my family, the parents didn't meet each other until there was an engagement.  Our parents spoke by phone a few times before but in my family we just had that sort of "thing."  

Good luck!

[Angel_325]

I feel like he wants to introduce me but there's something holding him back. I don't know exactly what it is. I know in the recent years he's had certain family issues and there's a particular person in his family that he feels uncomfortable with so then maybe a factor, and he doesn't see his friends as often as he used to but every time I've brought up him introducing me to his friends at least, he says yes but then when he actually has plans with his friends never invites me. He says it's because he wants to figure out a way to do it where we go grab a smoothie or something that doesn't involve alcohol since I don't drink and that would be more comfortable for everybody involved. Usually when they meet they go to a local pub near his house and have some food and drinks. He is 8.5 years younger than myself and some of his friends are a year or two younger than him. He doesn't drink very much just at Social Gatherings a couple of times per months when he goes out with his friends.

I do wonder if his family dynamics and the fact that he doesn't see his friends very often, and the fact that I'm over 8 years older than him is causing some hesitation for him because it is quite an age difference? 

The strange thing is that he says he feels more comfortable with me than he's ever felt with anybody before, and I can tell that it's true because he has shared things with me that he has never shared with even some of his friends that are very personal, and he's an extremely private person. So that's why it's so odd for me that he's sending me all these signals that he really likes me and wants to be with me but at the same time there's a hesitation to introduce me to his Circle and I wonder if it's the age difference or the fact that he's just much more cautious now than he used to be in his younger days.

[Batya33]

I think it’s ridiculous that you can’t come if you don’t drink. Do they get drunk or just have drinks with dinner ? If they get drunk don’t go. You won’t get to know them and you won’t feel comfortable. Not because you don’t drink because it’s boring and you’ll simply be hanging with drunk people.
 

Make an active plan. A hike.  A bike ride.  A movie and coffee after. game night. No need to meet for a non alcoholic beverage where you stare at each other across a table. 
I think he’s nervous about the age gap because you’re much older at a time when the age gap is more noticeable.  

[Coily]

It all depends on the relationship they have with friends and family. My most recent and favorite ex; we were exclusive for months and I paid no thought to introducing her to family or friends; simply because I was enjoying our private time together.

if she had asked me I would have balked with introducing her to my parents; due to the pressure I would feel from them to make her my bride. I didn’t want her to feel obligated to do anything, so to shield her I would have balked. 
 

It’s a mistake to think everyone has a Cleaver family behind them, and some need to navigate at a different pace those relationships. Your BF may cherish the romantic times you have as an intensely private and cherished thing; he is not ready to be trampled by the rest of the world.

Figured this post needed a counter point.

[greendots]

How is his family like? For example: if my family were very critical, I wouldn't introduce anyone until I was 90% certain that the relationship is serious. If my family were troublemakers, I'd delay introducing my partner to them.

Also, to some people introducing your SO to family is serious business. To others this doesn't carry much meaning as to why you meet their granny on date 3.

What are his other friends like? Are your BF and them actually close? Or are they more acquaintances? Maybe these mates of his don't make a good impression or are mere acquaintances?

Talk to him about his family and friends in a nonchalant manner. See what he says. His answer might surprise you.

 

[Blue_Skirt]

Just out of interest, have you introduced your boyfriend to your family and friends?

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

His last relationship was in his early twenties and it only lasted 2 months however he introduced the girl to his family. He is 32 now.

So all the comparison to his exes you mentioned previously was about about exes in his early 20s?! Damn, that's even more immature.

2 hours ago, Coily said:

It’s a mistake to think everyone has a Cleaver family behind them, and some need to navigate at a different pace those relationships.

I agree on this. Same. OP, he will introduce you to his family when he feels comfortable. But, you are not feeling adequate in this relationship so I think it's more than just that. You need reflect on how you feel and use that as your guide.

[poorlittlefish]

Maybe he's introduced exes to his family/friends early in the past, but the relationship was short-lived. He may have learnt from past experience and feels it's better to wait longer. 

I had a very similar situation to yours with my ex, so that's how I looked at it in order to stop it affecting me. His relationship with his ex lasted 10 months and we lasted 5 years. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

Yes, this is the same man but he has since stopped talking about past crushes 

So you've been together 5 months and much of that so far is struggling and strife?

Meeting friends and family won't reassure you that this is a viable or desirable situation. It's not really an effective measurement of how you two are doing.

Try not a to worry about if you're good enough for him. Instead use this time and the relationship dynamic so far to reflect if someone this "private" or emotionally difficult is right for you.

[Batya33]

I think meeting friends is different from family -if there are some friends who are going to be blabber mouths about "oh!!! you guys should get married!!!" fine but if he won't introduce you for the reasons you gave -you do not drink and their focus is on drinking - that to me is an issue. If the issue was "they're going to be overwhelming so I want to wait" that's different.

Family is different -as I wrote my family didn't want to meet the other family without an engagement and I'm sure other families have similar or related boundaries.