Never enough

[RebelHart]

A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked me to marry him when he was blind drunk. I told him to ask me again when he was sober but the next day he was absolutely disgusted at the thought of marrying me and told me to never listen to anything he says when he's drunk. His reaction hurt me and it has been playing on my mind ever since. A few days ago I told him how he made me feel.

We've been together a year and earlier in the relationship he told me he wanted to marry me some day so naturally I thought someday it would be a possibility. I asked him why the thought of marrying me now seems like the worst thing in the world for him and what made him change his mind..... he had a list! A long list of reasons why he will never marry me. They are ridiculous things too. Things like in the first month of our relationship I told him I didn't want to be with him if he would stand by and allow his ex to be horrible to me for no reason after she sent abusive messages because their son messaged me and she didn't like that we were bonding. Or because I have depression/trauma from ex. My kids don't always clean up after themselves and I will clean it instead. 

I also told him after not to worry because I don't want to marry anyone who is so disgusted by me and he responded by saying "you might change your mind some day" which just confused me more. He doesn't want to marry me but wants me to want to marry him.

He won't marry me but is in a relationship with me. Wth? I've spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough and now someone else literally has a list of reasons why I am not good enough. 

[Batya33]

Honestly - you know all you need to know  - he is a person with major issues if he chooses to treat another human being like this -let alone someone he is seriously involved with.  My sense is you've tolerated this sort of behavior because of how you see yourself and how you were treated in the past and I'm sorry.  I wouldn't be concerned about his list as much as his motives in coming up with and sharing the list in the mean and nasty way he did.  Also, how often does he get drunk? 

I would leave and end things - know your worth.  I don't think this is worth "working on" either.

[Seraphim]

This is a toxic person to ditch, immediately. 

[tattoobunnie]

My buddy's ex would always get drunk and talk about how he's going to propose.  Then, the next day, while sober, say he never said that.  This went on for two years.  She dumped him and now happily married to an awesome man and they have two kids.

[waffle]

29 minutes ago, RebelHart said:

. . . I don't want to marry anyone who is so disgusted by me and he responded by saying "you might change your mind some day" which just confused me more. He doesn't want to marry me but wants me to want to marry him.

That's not what he said.  When he said you might change your mind someday, he was talking about you marrying someone else.

Your relationship is over.  He's letting you know that.  If you hang on at this point rather than officially ending it, he will lose even more respect for you (if that's even possible--seems like his respect for you is completely gone).  Do you live together?  It's time to start "uncoupling."

[waffle]

And why on earth do you want to be with an alcoholic anyway?

[smackie9]

So you are with an alcoholic that verbally abuses you...so what's in it for you? 

[DarkCh0c0]

52 minutes ago, RebelHart said:

I told him to ask me again when he was sober but the next day he was absolutely disgusted at the thought of marrying me and told me to never listen to anything he says when he's drunk.

😨😨😨 Run!!

What a toxic insensitive piece of ****

How dare he speak to you this way?!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't need him nor his marriage. You need YOU and YOU need to love and believe in YOU.

And ofc he stays with you. You give him the benefits of the gf (cooking, cleaning, sex, attention, help, pay the rent, ect.) while he doesn't have to lift a finger in exchange. If he leaves you, he'll have to start all over to find a woman who puts up with his trash act. It's so much easier for him to convince you to stay.

Gosh, he is far from a catch!! 🗑️🗑️

[RebelHart]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly - you know all you need to know  - he is a person with major issues if he chooses to treat another human being like this -let alone someone he is seriously involved with.  My sense is you've tolerated this sort of behavior because of how you see yourself and how you were treated in the past and I'm sorry.  I wouldn't be concerned about his list as much as his motives in coming up with and sharing the list in the mean and nasty way he did.  Also, how often does he get drunk? 

I would leave and end things - know your worth.  I don't think this is worth "working on" either.

At first he said he didn't believe in marriage because relationships fail after marriage and its just a piece of paper. I pointed out he's been married before and that he wanted to marry me before so asked what changed. I asked him to be honest. It was a calm conversation, no arguments but it hurt still. Obviously I wasn't expecting a whole list. 

[RebelHart]

40 minutes ago, waffle said:

That's not what he said.  When he said you might change your mind someday, he was talking about you marrying someone else.

He seemed upset that I said I didn't want to marry him now. That's why it felt like he still wants me to want that.

[RebelHart]

40 minutes ago, waffle said:

And why on earth do you want to be with an alcoholic anyway?

He's not an alcoholic. He rarely drinks.

[RebelHart]

23 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So you are with an alcoholic that verbally abuses you...so what's in it for you? 

He's not an alcoholic.

[RebelHart]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

😨😨😨 Run!!

What a toxic insensitive piece of ****

How dare he speak to you this way?!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't need him nor his marriage. You need YOU and YOU need to love and believe in YOU.

And ofc he stays with you. You give him the benefits of the gf (cooking, cleaning, sex, attention, help, pay the rent, ect.) while he doesn't have to lift a finger in exchange. If he leaves you, he'll have to start all over to find a woman who puts up with his trash act. It's so much easier for him to convince you to stay.

Gosh, he is far from a catch!! 🗑️🗑️

He doesn't help with bills but does help around the house but the other stuff is bothering me.

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, RebelHart said:

He doesn't help with bills but does help around the house but the other stuff is bothering me.

Yea, so leaving you means that he would have to pay bills too.

Honey, your feelings are valid and of course you are bothered! Someone who loves you wouldn't dare and talk to you this way. They wouldn't dare.

You are worthy and deserve to be with a man who treats you right. Don't stick around thinking he would change if you stay cause he wouldn't. He's shown you who he is and he is not "the one". Love is not enough to keep two people together.

[DarkCh0c0]

20 minutes ago, RebelHart said:

I pointed out he's been married before and that he wanted to marry me before so asked what changed. I asked him to be honest

He's not going to be honest.

It's like you're holding him at gunpoint and he will say whatever works so that you don't talk about this topic anymore or so that he makes YOU feel like the bad guy (purposely and manipulatively).

Look, your job when you date a man is to check whether his actions are consistent with his words. He ain't it. He doesn't even sounds consistent nor sweet/giving in his love to you.

[Coily]

When someone flat refuses to marry, and when pressed gives you a laundry list of your faults. what extra evidence do you need that this guy is only using you?

Please consider moving on and soon'

 

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, RebelHart said:

absolutely disgusted at the thought of marrying me

2 hours ago, RebelHart said:

He won't marry me but is in a relationship with me. Wth? I've spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough and now someone else literally has a list of reasons why I am not good enough. 

Why in the world would you remain in a relationship with someone who is disgusted at the thought of marrying you, has a laundry list of reasons NOT to marry you, and told them to your face. This is immature behavior at the very least. Abusive as well. I mean look what it's doing to your mental wellbeing. This relationship has reached its endpoint, and that is clear, because he is literally telling you to your face that he refuses to take the relationship any further than where it currently is. If you want anything more from a relationship, such as marriage, I would leave immediately. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is you've tolerated this sort of behavior because of how you see yourself and how you were treated in the past and I'm sorry.

This is my sense, too. You need to stop looking for your worth in the vision of others. Your worth--whether you're "good enough"--should come from inside of you. Once you know your own self-worth, you'll attract men who appreciate it and encourage your growth. 

1 hour ago, RebelHart said:

he said he didn't believe in marriage because relationships fail after marriage and its just a piece of paper

This is what people say when they are in a toxic relationship with someone they don't see a real future with, but their lives are so intertwined or they've been together so long that it's difficult to leave. I used to say very similar things to an ex-boyfriend of mine who was similarly toxic and mentally abusive to me, but who wanted me to marry him. I didn't want to be married, I thought. But really, I just didn't want to be married to HIM. It wasn't until I left him (after SIX years) and met someone else that I realized how different things could be and developed a desire to find a husband. To me, when someone says this, it's a huge indicator that your relationship is over or near its end. You don't share the same goals or plans for the future at the very least. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, RebelHart said:

He won't marry me but is in a relationship with me. Wth?

I think its really not that confusing. He wants somebody who would want him and be there for him. Who would pay his bills while he can freely drink and say whatever he wants to you. 

If you would chase him to the street tomorrow he would have to pay rent or go live with his ex or something. Like this he has free housing, saves money and has somebody to probably cook and clean for him. Without any obligations as he doesnt even want to marry you.

To him its a transactional relationship while you expect him to marry you. So, just dump the chump and be done with him for good. Not a good boyfriend and relationship overall and you deserve better there.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, RebelHart said:

He doesn't help with bills but does help around the house but the other stuff is bothering me.

So there's very little in it for you. 

[Cherylyn]

You need to dump him. 

[MissCanuck]

End this relationship immediately. 

This man is awful. 

[Batya33]

So.   If he doesn’t help with bills were you supposed to buy the rings and pay for the marriage license and associated wedding expenses ? Just curious but yes dump him. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, RebelHart said:

We've been together a year and earlier in the relationship he told me he wanted to marry me some day so naturally I thought someday it would be a possibility. I asked him why the thought of marrying me now seems like the worst thing in the world for him and what made him change his mind..... he had a list! A long list of reasons why he will never marry me. They are ridiculous things too. Things like in the first month of our relationship I told him I didn't want to be with him if he would stand by and allow his ex to be horrible to me for no reason after she sent abusive messages because their son messaged me and she didn't like that we were bonding. Or because I have depression/trauma from ex

Sadly, you two dont sound so compatible 😕 .

Not just because he doesn't fancy marrying now, but because of the negativity.  From the nastiness of his ex towards you and his ridiculous list.

You've hung around this for a year?  Why? ( Like you said, you didn't want to be around a guy who's allowing his ex to treat his gf the way she was...)

How is YOUR mindset, after being with an ex who traumatized you?

 

[mylolita]

Rebel,

 

He doesn’t help with the bills, comes with past baggage and drama, toys with your emotions, says he would never marry you and here’s a big list why but oh please feel free to marry someone else!

 

Where’s the good bit?! I can only imagine he is on another planet mind blowing in bed for you to stick around!

 

Hopefully this kind of guy isn’t your idea of Mr Right! OP this is nowhere near good enough! 
 

I hope you can find someone who is truly serious and dedicated to you and I would also, since it looks like children are involved, really make sure before introducing and getting kids involved, that the person you are seeing is a near sure thing. Different partners coming and going and witnessing break ups isn’t healthy for kids. You are setting a standard for your sons or daughters - make sure it’s a good one and that they know you surround yourself with people who are kind and respectful and decent, then they will too.

 

I wish you the best,

 

x

[HeartGoesOn]

Hopefully you're aware that this says more about him than it does you.  Where is the attraction?

Please raise your standards and send him packing.  You're losing nothing.