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May have gotten myself in bad situation with BF unsure what to do


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I was raised in a really violent household and I was also abused by my ex husband.  

As the SO in this situation I empathize.  It's hard to leave.  I get it.  But it's just going to get worse.  My ex husband is the only abuser I know personally who gained enough self awareness later on to change.  But he is the rare exception.  

As someone who was raised this way, there is no reason to bring a child up in this environment.  All my siblings and I have all kinds of problems.  Seeing my mom beat up on a regular basis and having to walk around in constant fight or flight mode are not good for a child at all.  Your baby will grow up messed up and resenting you if you stuick around.  Trust me.  

 

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4 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

Yeah everything has been fine. BIL took off work next Wednesday to help get mine and babies stuff. Haven’t talked to bf about anything. Terrified. We will see what his reaction is when I leave and go from there. Thanks everyone 

Can you possibly leave  sooner? Maybe while he is at work? take only what you need. 

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If he does get violent again I really don’t think it would be so soon after. BIL has a truck and I have to get the baby stuff. It will be fine until he realizes I’m gone or finds out. But yeah I have to get the baby stuff. That is the soonest he could take off.

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5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Having been in this situation myself, it's important OP does it smartly and safely. Hopefully, she'll be fine by Wednesday.

I agree because it's possible she would not be able to go back for the baby's things at a later date.

Jane, I am so glad to read your BIL will be helping you. Most abusers act like big men around their women but they're cowards around other men. You will have the protection of your BIL while you're getting your belongings. And I feel it's unlikely your soon to be ex would be brave enough to confront you in front of male family members.

I wish you peace and safety and a healthy pregnancy.

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1 minute ago, Jane8365 said:

I read that strangulation victims were 750% more likely to be murdered. Idk if it’s true but he did it pretty hard so reading that freaked me out.

Even more evidence that leaving him is the best decision.

How awful would it be if he succeeded next time. You and your innocent child would be victims. 

Please try to lie low for the next few days. Try to be a grey rock (Google it). If he tries to pick a fight just tell him you don't want to upset him. Placate for now until you can get out. Don't go overboard with compliments or telling him you love him, but try not to antagonize either. Keep the peace until you can leave.

I hope it all works out for you. 

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28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please try to lie low for the next few days. Try to be a grey rock (Google it). If he tries to pick a fight just tell him you don't want to upset him. Placate for now until you can get out. Don't go overboard with compliments or telling him you love him, but try not to antagonize either. Keep the peace until you can leave.

This is gold advice 🏆

@Jane8365I did the same thing and it worked. I tried my best not to go into fights and followed the grey rock method. I did whatever to keep the peace and remain unsuspicious. It does work.

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1 hour ago, Jane8365 said:

I read that strangulation victims were 750% more likely to be murdered. Idk if it’s true but he did it pretty hard so reading that freaked me out.

I've read about that several times over the last few years.  Yes, it is true.  I'm glad to hear that you're moving forward after this abuse. You're worth much more...

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18 hours ago, Jane8365 said:

I read that strangulation victims were 750% more likely to be murdered. Idk if it’s true but he did it pretty hard so reading that freaked me out.

Sorry this is happening. The first step is to see your physician. Most of all for your health. While it's too late for appropriate medicolegal photographic documentation, you must discuss the details of the assault frankly. Do not be afraid. Everything you tell a healthcare provider is confidential. If/when you are ready to press charges and if/when it happens again, you'll at least have some official record.

While this may seem like the first incident of abuse, all the red flags were there. Quick involvement. Financial disabling, quickly moving in quickly getting pregnant and therefore fostering dependency.

Speak frankly with trusted friends and family. Do not allow shame to isolate you further. Do not panic or run to the police asap. Wait until you have fully planned your escape. Do not worry about leaving behind replaceable items.  Just start now with changing your address, forwarding your mail and severing all accounts. When out safely, get a restraining order.

You'll have to go back to work and finish school part time. 

Unfortunately when the child is born, you may have to contend with harassment . But there are ways to deal with this. But first quietly sever things and quietly plan your escape.

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 12/1/2022 at 12:51 AM, Graystation108 said:

Everything is NOT fine, you need to leave for the sake of you and your baby's safety. He's going to escalate, that's how abusers always are. If he hits you once, he'll keep doing it until he gets arrested or you end up dead

We are separated now

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8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Did you move out?

I hope you are safe and doing well. And that you and your baby are healthy.

We are good, thank you.

Yes. I’m staying at my sister’s place. It is sort of complicated with the pregnancy, but not living together.

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Glad you are living with your sister now, I hope that all is going well with your pregnancy! You did the right thing, it will be a difficult road to navigate at times; but you have proven to yourself you have the strength to do the right thing for you and your child. Best of luck!

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