May have gotten myself in bad situation with BF unsure what to do

[Jane8365]

Boyfriend andI have been together 1.5 years. In the grand scheme of things relationship has been good and we love each other.

 

A few months ago I found out I was pregnant. I stopped the pill to get a nexplanon implant and had a really bad reaction to it. Had it removed and was going to get a non hormonal iud a few weeks later. We used condoms so I don’t really know how it happened. He was really excited. I was terrified and freaked out, still am. 

 

I started staying with him most nights almost immediately after we started dating. After we found out about the pregnancy I officially moved in, we got engaged, and I quit my job to go back to school. 

 

Like I said overall everything has been great. He goes through these phases every few months where he is in a terrible mood. He will start a fight with me, we will get into in pretty bad and won’t talk for 2-4 days. Then he will apologize and we make up.

 

So last weekend he was hanging out with his friends came home at like 2am. He woke me up coming in I just went to see what was going on. He immediately thought I was being a *** and trying to start a fight (really wasn’t) things got heated and he straight up choked me and hit my head against the wall a couple of times. I have some bruises on my arms. We made up everything is fine but internally I am freaking out and don’t know what to do. I am pregnant with his child, terrified, and don’t think I can do this without him. Never happened before. Don’t know if it will happen again. Never thought it would. Me being pregnant really complicates things. I’m not sure what I realistically should do. If I do have to leave he isn’t just going to accept that especially with me being pregnant. Any advice you could offer would be very helpful. I haven’t told anyone obviously.

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

We made up everything is fine

No, everything is NOT "fine". Once he hits you and you accept it you are giving him permission to hit you again. 

It's one thing to consent to being physically abused, quite another to subject an innocent child to an abusive man. What happens if the child spills something on his gaming system or poops his or her diaper while he's home alone with the child? Are you completely confident he won't harm the child?

And what about you? You could have suffered a head injury which could damage the child as well as you.

Is there someone you can stay with temporarily until you figure out your next steps?

[tattoobunnie]

Now that he feels he's trapped you, you are finally getting to see the real him.  It will happen again, whether to you or your kid.  And with making up, you have told him it's okay to get violent with you.  Please reach out to any family and friends, and move in with them, and let them know what happened, verbally, by email, any time stamping.  You are in a dangerous situation that will only get worse.

Abusers usually build up slowly the abuse.  So they fry and mess up your brain thinking that you deserved it, little by little. Gaslighting you into questioning how you are at fault.  Please slowly start bringing things to where you are moving, as to avoid a major blowout.  Then when he's at work, have your friends and family help you move what you need, and leave for good.  

Love isn't violence.  99.9% of a good thing is good, but it takes just one bullet to end a life.

[Seraphim]

Leave IMMEDIATELY. You and your child will end up dead , period. Get out while you can. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Oh, dear. This is really horrific and worrisome.

Do you have where to move to? Parents who could help out? Friends for emotional support? Can you get back to working or is your pregnancy really advanced? Maybe you could speak to a nonprofit organisation against domestic violence and/or seek a women's shelter if you have no other options.

You shouldn't stay with him, this is absolutely unacceptable, pregnant or not. He shouldn't put his hands on you, EVER. Things have escalated from nothing and the abuse is quite severe. Can you go to the ER and document your bruises?

He thinks he's got you now, as you're pregnant, engaged and living together. Perhaps you're also financially depending on him since you've quit your job? It won't get better, it will only get worse from here.

Gosh, I wouldn't be even surprised if he pierced holes in the condoms or something to make you pregnant.

Run, girl. And document everything from now on.

[moodindigo91]

25 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

he straight up choked me and hit my head against the wall a couple of times. I have some bruises on my arms. We made up everything is fine

NO, everything is not fine. He choked you! He hit your head against the wall! How is everything fine? Take photos of the bruises. Make a police report. 

26 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

If I do have to leave he isn’t just going to accept that especially with me being pregnant.

It's true that after leaving an abusive partner, it is the most dangerous time for women. However, you SHOULD still leave. And do everything you can to protect yourself. Plan the exit, have a place to go, do it swiftly while he is not around, get a retraining order. He lost his ability to have a say in whether you stay or leave when he choked you and hit your head against the wall. He will have to accept it, and you will need to have legal documents in place regarding child custody, etc.

Is this the type of father you want for your child? My guess is no. Please leave. 

[JoyfulCompany]

33 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

He goes through these phases every few months where he is in a terrible mood. He will start a fight with me, we will get into in pretty bad and won’t talk for 2-4 days. Then he will apologize and we make up.

Even this was a very bad sign but now it's crystal clear - this man is dangerous for you and your child.

[smackie9]

What's next him throwing you down the stairs? Go get some counseling and move out. That kind of violence is unforgivable. 

[Jane8365]

By fine I just mean we aren’t fighting and pretending nothing happened. I have been silently freaked out. I of course don’t want anything to happen to my child. I am completely financially dependent on him. I have never been pregnant before but I’m guessing I could work 2-3 more months? I didn’t want to tell anyone until I figured out what to do. I’m sure I can go back home. I’m scared of everyone freaking out and making the situation worse. I can try to talk to my sister first before everyone else and go from there. I don’t think she will call him or tell anyone. I think I’m still in shock, didn’t think something like this would happen in my relationship with him.

[Jane8365]

Thank you guys

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

By fine I just mean we aren’t fighting and pretending nothing happened. I have been silently freaked out. I of course don’t want anything to happen to my child. I am completely financially dependent on him. I have never been pregnant before but I’m guessing I could work 2-3 more months? I didn’t want to tell anyone until I figured out what to do. I’m sure I can go back home. I’m scared of everyone freaking out and making the situation worse. I can try to talk to my sister first before everyone else and go from there. I don’t think she will call him or tell anyone. I think I’m still in shock, didn’t think something like this would happen in my relationship with him.

This WONT get better. It NEVER does. Get out and talk to your family. My mother’s best friend has been in her grave for 30 years because she didn’t leave fast enough. She never got to meet her grandchildren or live beyond 45. Get out . 

[moodindigo91]

14 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

I can try to talk to my sister first before everyone else and go from there. I don’t think she will call him or tell anyone.

Yes. When you talk to your sister, just explain to her that you are feeling fearful of him and would prefer that she keep it between the two of you at this time until you figure out exactly what your plan will be. If you can move back home, I would start planning to do that immediately. Have family help you do it while he is at work or otherwise not at home and not expected to be home for several hours. 

[Seraphim]

My mom didn’t leave fast enough and now due to the stress of her life is physically disabled , mostly deaf and my brother and I have permanent PTSD. Save your child. Please. 

[Lambert]

everyone will be right to freak out.  what he did is completely wrong and a crime. he abused, assaulted and battered you.  He should not be left alone with a child. 

I'm so sorry this happened and I have to be the one to tell you this absolutely will happen again,  if you don't get out of there now. 

violence and abuse is never ok.  Drunk or not. This man not only hit a woman,  but also a pregnant woman, not only a pregnant woman, but the mother of his child. This is everything you need to know about this guy and what a future with him will be.

This guy is a total POS!

 

[boltnrun]

Thankfully you have a loving family who will help you.

Please get out ASAP while he's at work. Only take what you absolutely cannot live without. Then get an order of protection and talk to a domestic abuse counselor. They can refer you to wonderful resources that will help you with the emotional trauma of leaving an abusive relationship.

My guess is this is not the first time he's frightened you with his behavior. It will get worse from here, I promise you that.

Please talk to your sister and get a plan to leave in place. Don't wait or try to "talk" to him or give him "one more chance" or ask him to attend counseling with you. Abusers do not benefit from couples counseling or anger management. They abuse because they like it, not because they're some kind of poor wounded souls who are really sweet guys deep down.  Please make and carry out a plan to leave.

I wish you and your child the very best.

[Kwothe28]

Oh dear. You are in an abusive relationship. Completely dependant on him and pregnant with his kid. Its a perfect situation for him as an abuser as he can do what he wants with you including going out until late, probably drinking and abusing you if you ever say something against him.

First thing you need to do is move away. Your family maybe can help you with it. Second is to protect you and your kid from him. That means to use anything at your disposal including police if he tries to make threats or force you to anything. 

Also, dont fall for his words. Abusers have an uncanny ability to manipulate you. He would maybe plead, even tell you how he loves you. In order to get you back so he can continue his abuse. Dont fall for that, please. 

[Jane8365]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Gosh, I wouldn't be even surprised if he pierced holes in the condoms or something to make you pregnant.

Do people actually do this?

[moodindigo91]

2 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

Do people actually do this?

Doubt lol I have actually heard this more of women than men to trap them in relationships and/or get child support and it is more like they say they are on birth control when they aren't. I think it would be difficult to preemptively poke holes in condoms before having sex. It requires a level of planning and deceit. Also how would he poke a hole in a condom, then put it back in the wrapper? Not really a concern. It is more possible that one of the condoms broke during sex and neither of you noticed or he noticed but didn't tell you. 

[JoyfulCompany]

It's great you can go back home. Abuse thrives in silence, so talk to your sister or parents asap. There's no point talking to him. Plan your escape, go when he's not around (or call some people to accompany you in the process) and, please, for the sake of your life and your child's wellbeing - don't ever listen to any of his excuses, apologies or manipulation. He'll probably try them all.

If your bruises are still visible - go and document them (here it's a medical document you can legally use against him).

1 minute ago, Jane8365 said:

Do people actually do this?

Everything is possible with some people. Some women lie about birth control, some men - about pulling out, etc. And some poke holes in condoms (men or women) - you don't even need to get it out of the package. It was a wild guess on my side, of course, but it's not impossible.

I guess he was very happy to offer to support you while you quit your job. Anything and everything that will make you more dependent on him.

Stay strong, don't panic and think well. Seek all resources possible. It's one thing to escape but you're also carrying his child so he could try to chase after you legally. You should try to prevent that eventually. But first think about yourself.

[Coily]

7 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

Do people actually do this?

Yes sadly. They often want to trap someone in a relationship, men and women.

This is a bad situation, one that will deteriorate even more if you stay. The pregnancy really complicated things as he legally can demand visitation if nothing else. Do the best for you now, and think of the future you want.; which I can’t imagine involves and abusive <expletive>.

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, Jane8365 said:

Do people actually do this?

Ive heard stories from both sides doing it. Men would usually just not pull out. Women usually use "poked condom". 

[JoyfulCompany]

It even has a name - stealthing and it's considered a criminal offense in some states. But that's not important.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Jane8365 said:

He immediately thought I was being a *** and trying to start a fight (really wasn’t) things got heated and he straight up choked me and hit my head against the wall a couple of times. I have some bruises on my arms. We made up everything is fine but internally I am freaking out and don’t know what to do. I am pregnant with his child, terrified, and don’t think I can do this without him. Never happened before. Don’t know if it will happen again.

Oh, it may just happen again 😕 .. and NO, everything is not fine!

You get out of this relationship- can you move elsewhere, like back home?  If anything, you need proper support.  Not an abuser around you!

You arrange that when baby comes, IF he's up to 'visitation' only.  And do not marry this creep!

"By fine I just mean we aren’t fighting and pretending nothing happened. I have been silently freaked out. I of course don’t want anything to happen to my child. I am completely financially dependent on him. I have never been pregnant before but I’m guessing I could work 2-3 more months?

- Yah, stop pretending.  You can work right up until the month you're due.. yes, speak with your sister etc.  If you are in need of assistance, by time baby arrives, you can speak with gov't assistance . 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

If he hits you once, he'll hit you again.  This has been proven time and time again.  Don't wait for the next shoe to drop...and it will, and don't feel you're the exception to the rule, you're not.

By not reporting this you're giving him the green light to do it again.  He has nothing to lose.

Hopefully you'll do the right thing.  LEAVE...

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Jane8365 said:

Do people actually do this?

Yes they do.