Will this work as FWB?

[Venus_Bristol]

I am a separated career driven woman, I have two older children (21 and 16). I have been friends with a younger guy who lives abroad for some time now.  We have a friends with benefit relationship which we both went into without looking into it properly. 

After 2 months we have decided to discuss some rules, this was after I told him I had been chatting with another guy.  He has said, out of respect for me, that he would not seek attention from another person whilst we are FWB, and expects the same from me.  I am in agreement with this. 

It is also clear that we both want this as a long term FWB, after 18 years of marriage I am certainly not in any rush to seek a relationship.   Is this healthy?

I am planning to meet with him in person for the first time in a few weeks, but this means we will be spending a whole chunk of time together, crossing many FWB boundaries like talking with each other, going for food, sightseeing etc.  

Neither of us are deluded about what one expects from the other, there are many reasons why we cannot be together as a proper couple.  But is it possible for us to have a long term FWB relationship, that could possibly span over a couple of years?

I have tried speaking with close friends about this, they find it difficult to comprehend why I do not want a full blown relationship and fail to see how this would work for me.  

[smackie9]

As long as you both have discussed expectations and boundaries, this can last as long as you wish to have it. I hope you both have agreed on what to do when it comes time to move on, ie: if one gets feelings for the other or one is wanting to date someone new, etc. Yer all set. Enjoy. 

[Cherylyn]

 As long as both of your preferences are a mutual agreement,  FWB will work. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

 As long as both of your preferences are a mutual agreement,  FWB will work. 

Yes but I don't get the part where you were good friends before making this decision.  Is this FWB or are you just using this as a euphemism for a sex partner? 

I think the arrangement will work the same as your business interactions work in your career as  you said you are career driven.  Clear direct communication including that of course you can't be in a relationship when you're still married.  As far as whether it is healthy I'd also consider the physical health part -will there be STD testing -what kind of birth control? Etc.  

Have fun!

[Andrina]

Some of the cons I see with this are that humans are not robots, so being in close contact with others over a period of years, you will grow fond of that person, just as you would a co-worker you get along with, and so it will be difficult to part ways when that two mark comes along.

Another thing to consider is that when you do want a serious relationship with someone, will you disclose while speaking of relationship histories this part of your life. If not, how will you feel hiding that fact?

Another con is that the rules are so iffy in FWBs, such as how much or how little communication will happen in between sessions? It's hard to get two people on the exact same page about this, and one person often ends up hurt.

Why is a longterm FWB beneficial for him? 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

. . . but this means we will be spending a whole chunk of time together, crossing many FWB boundaries like talking with each other . . . 

Isn't this what friends do, though?

I agree with the poster above; this sounds more like FB (F*** Buddy) than FWB

Yet you're basically exclusive with him?  This does seem confusing.

[Jaunty]

You say you have a FWB relationship with the guy ... but you haven't even met in person so far?  How does that work?

I don't think that your plan is going to work out.  You don't even know if you will have chemistry with this man.  Real life is not like face time.   You can't make rules and especially not long term plans for a sexual relationship, or even a normal friendship, with a person you've never met.  

One poster said "isn't this what friends do" in response to your comment about spending time together when you meet.  Well ... yes.  FRIENDS.  That is to say, people who already know and like being together.  

A whole lot of "cart before the horse" going on here.

[Jaunty]

6 minutes ago, waffle said:

Isn't this what friends do, though?

I agree with the poster above; this sounds more like FB (F*** Buddy) than FWB

Yet you're basically exclusive with him?  This does seem confusing.

And they haven't met each other, so there is that...

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

which we both went into without looking into it properly

I agree with the others, I don't understand how you are FWB without having met yet and had any sexual intercourse. I assume you exchange sexual messages? Maybe photos? Maybe sexting or phone sex? Idk. Without sex-related stuff, you guys are just friends who flirt.

2 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

He has said, out of respect for me, that he would not seek attention from another person whilst we are FWB, and expects the same from me.  I am in agreement with this.

This is confusing. Exclusive FWB? That is a relationship, whether you want to call it that or not doesn't matter. A horse is a horse no matter what name you call it by. 

2 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

Neither of us are deluded

It seems like you might be though. I just find this hard to comprehend. You are long distance, have never met, have never had sex, but seem emotionally connected enough to agree to be exclusive. You're going to visit him abroad and spend a bunch of romantic time with him. Then what? Come home and do what? 

I just don't understand a "FWB" relationship when you're residing in entirely different countries and aren't actually getting the "benefits" part of the relationship. It sounds like you're actually just in an emotional online romantic relationship with this person. 

[Kwothe28]

I would also like to ask how can you be "Friends with benefits" with the person you havent even met? As "benefits" part includes sex without commitment. Since you havent met and didnt have sex at all, how are you FWB?

What you maybe mean is that you are long distance and seek relationship without commitment. That could work but he also expects you to be the only one. So, that means commitment. Its way too confusing and the boundaries are not clear. So I dont think it could work.

[Lambert]

of course its not healthy! lol

FWB means "we're cool to have sex when it is convenient for both of us. When we're not together, there's no strings and we owe each other nothing"

just like friends... you can hang with all your friends or one of your friends, you can do whatever you want with your friends and they don't care that you have other friends.

FWB sounds good on paper but it's always more complicated than it starts out as.  what you described, exclusive friends with benefits is a Frankenstein term which really means relationship. you're just not calling it one which is the recipe for misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

You're agreeing to only be this guy.  which would mean if you decide to see someone else, you have to tell him. how is that not a relationship? 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

I am planning to meet with him in person for the first time in a few weeks

You made a deal to be a fwb with someone without even meeting them? What if you meet him and you're not that attracted to him? He disrespects you? Crosses boundaries? He's a liar? Or there's no chemistry?

Slow your horses and wait to meet the guy a few times before deciding on the whole fwb thing. You need to know him a bit before jumping into bed with him. You need to feel safe and secure to be intimate with him then decide whether you'd like to be fwbs.

Your instincts are what what brought you to this forum. Listen to them. There's no rush and no need to act desperate.

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

I am a separated career driven woman, I have two older children (21 and 16). I have been friends with a younger guy who lives abroad for some time now.  We have a friends with benefit relationship which we both went into without looking into it properly. 

After 2 months we have decided to discuss some rules, this was after I told him I had been chatting with another guy.  He has said, out of respect for me, that he would not seek attention from another person whilst we are FWB, and expects the same from me.  I am in agreement with this. 

It is also clear that we both want this as a long term FWB, after 18 years of marriage I am certainly not in any rush to seek a relationship.   Is this healthy?

I am planning to meet with him in person for the first time in a few weeks, but this means we will be spending a whole chunk of time together, crossing many FWB boundaries like talking with each other, going for food, sightseeing etc.  

Neither of us are deluded about what one expects from the other, there are many reasons why we cannot be together as a proper couple.  But is it possible for us to have a long term FWB relationship, that could possibly span over a couple of years?

I have tried speaking with close friends about this, they find it difficult to comprehend why I do not want a full blown relationship and fail to see how this would work for me.  

Just a difference of opinion.

I personally feel that FWB should be treated as a business relationship. You are there for one reason and one reason only.

Once you start crossing boundaries like spending the day together, going for food, etc...one of you could potentially start having feelings for the other one.

Spending time together like that, is creating a closer bond, an attachment, it's becoming more personal on an emotional level.

You may not be wanting to create a closer emotional relationship with him and you and have he decided it won't ever be like that, but crossing boundaries like this could be putting you and he in a position where you will start to have feelings whether you intended to, or not.

If you and he don't want complications, I suggest keeping the FWB at a level where your meet ups for for more intimate times and nothing more.

Like a business partner.

That's my personal opinion on it.

[HeartGoesOn]

7 hours ago, Venus_Bristol said:

I am a separated career driven woman, I have two older children (21 and 16).

I take it as you're still married?  Please correct me if I'm wrong.

[MissCanuck]

No, this is not healthy. 

You should never make any sort of commitment or promise or agreement with a person you have never met. That's like signing a lease before you even see the apartment - it is unwise and way too risky. 

To me, it raises red flags that he asked for this sort of agreement without even knowing you. Something is not quite right there. 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

To me, it raises red flags that he asked for this sort of agreement without even knowing you. Something is not quite right there. 

Well, to be fair, the OP is 50% responsible for crafting this far out plan.   Which, of course, is impossible.  

In any case, the OP does not seem to be engaged with this thread anymore.