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She told me to move on.


Zenon1267
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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

Here I am again years later. My ex of three years left me two weeks ago. I caught her talking on the phone with some unknown guy at 2am. I was upset and I didn’t talk to her for two days but then she turned cold after apologizing for one day. 
 

She then broke up with me stating the way I treated her by not committing, for not being the most attentive bf and because I cheated on her two months ago which she said she never forgave me for which I didn’t realize. I was sorry for what I did but she says that she no longer feels the same and can never forgive me. She wanted to continue to have sex but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I was hurt and wanting her. I’ve tried to reason with her but nothing worked she’s says she’s happy with her life and she knows her perfect guy is out there. I apologized and I feel she has zero respect since I begged. Her tone is completely numb and she says she can’t look past the stuff and that “maybe” if it’s meant to be we can try in the future.

 

i feel so horrible, and before we broke up we were suppose to move in with each other but she said I was to late that she had already moved on. God I know my mistakes and I corrected them but now I’m lonely and wishing I could change her mind. I’m in 1 day no contact. Any advice?

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1 hour ago, Austino96 said:

God I know my mistakes and I corrected them

No, you didn't. You can't undo or correct cheating, Austin.

1 hour ago, Austino96 said:

I apologized and I feel she has zero respect since I begged.

That isn't where she lost respect for you. She lost respect when you cheated on her. You don't seem to understand the enormous pain that causes, and irreparable damage it usually does. 

This relationship is over, so it's best to work toward moving on. And hopefully you have learned an important lesson here that you can apply in your next relationship. 

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4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This relationship is over, so it's best to work toward moving on. And hopefully you have learned an important lesson here that you can apply in your next relationship. 

Totally agree with you. This girl has already suffered for some time after the author's betrayal, and she needs to come to her senses and sort out her feelings. And the author needs it too

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@MissCanuckYoure right I didn’t understand it how it made her feel. I know I don’t deserve pity for what I’ve done. I just feel terrible.

i have a hard time accepting my failures and a hard time accepting that I cannot change the past especially when it comes to someone I care about. 
 

i guess if someone truly cared about someone they wouldn’t cheat right or I was selfish/immature. I’m not sure. 
 

im obsessed with finding answer to questions that can only be answer with a lot of tears and time. 

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You will move past that pain. 

It's normal when you break up, but it's something to sit with. Process it. Let this be a lesson in empathy as well. Perhaps now you have an idea of how she felt when she discovered you had cheated. 

You made some bad choices, without a doubt. But you can learn from this and grow and never do it again with future girlfriends. Do you mind if I ask how old you are, Austin?  

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@MissCanuck Yeah my mother and sister says the same thing. I hate learning lessons like this tho. Honestly I’m such a selfish hard headed person that it’s probably the only way I actually learn how to change sadly. 
 

I just have deep attachment issues from my childhood that make it hard for me to understand and de attach from negative relationships. If I’m being painfully honest it probably should’ve ended years ago but I just could never bring myself to end it. It’s so hard to admit these things because just today I told her I felt we were meant to be together maybe that’s just me being dumb.
 

I’m 25 and I’m terrified of being alone. Just started a business and I can’t seem to focus on anything but proving to her I’m sorry and that I’m gonna change. Ugh
 

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6 minutes ago, Austino96 said:

I hate learning lessons like this tho.

Who doesn't? Lessons like this are usually painful ones, so nobody enjoys the process. But the result will bring great benefits, later on. 

6 minutes ago, Austino96 said:

I’m 25 and I’m terrified of being alone

You're still really young. You have got plenty of time to grow, mature and eventually find a woman with whom you can share your life. What terrifies you about being single? 

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8 minutes ago, Austino96 said:

I can’t seem to focus on anything but proving to her I’m sorry and that I’m gonna change.

And this is normal, when you realize you can't control the outcome anymore. It's also part of maturing. We don't always get what we want. We sometimes have to lie in the bed we made, and we don't get do-overs. 

But in time, the panic about losing her will fade. You will adjust. Everyone eventually does. You have to be patient with yourself, though. 

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1 hour ago, Austino96 said:

@MissCanuck.

I’m 25 and I’m terrified of being alone. Just started a business and I can’t seem to focus on 

Do you live at home?  Do you work at a paying job? She's right to cancel moving in together. You're not right for each other and together for all the wrong reasons.

You seem to be overcomplicating things with poor-me  psychobabble. You're selfish, it's that simple.

Focus on getting your life, profession and finances in order. That will improve your self respect a lot more than slinking around.

You don't want a committed relationship, you want a security blanket while you play the field.

 

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33 minutes ago, Austino96 said:

@MissCanucki messaged her just now. I CANT STOP FREAKING DOING IT. 

You had best try before she brings it to the police as evidence of stalking, harassment and gets a restraining order against you.  The world does not revolve around your feelings. Respect others.

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4 hours ago, Austino96 said:

I caught her talking on the phone with some unknown guy at 2am.

 

4 hours ago, Austino96 said:

I cheated on her two months ago

Yeah, I would say you were both not some shinning beacons of human morality.

That being said, you have an affinity toward bad(I hate the term "toxic") relationships because your personality is also bad. You claim you love that girl and yet you cheated on her very recently. Why did you cheated? Because there was an opportunity? Because of drama and excitment? Both arent really a characteristics of a decent human being who should be in a relationship, let alone be living with somebody. And when you are like that, are you really surprised that you are being attracted to some girl that talks to some random guy at 2AM? Cheating on each other then begging her to come back? 

You need to fix that first. Start being a better human. Maybe even enlist the help of therapist to do it. Because at the state that you are, you wont attract any decent girls and you certanly wont act decent with them. Bad personalities have a knack of attracting other bad personalities. So fix that before you ruin your life further. 

As for her, leave her alone. She has her own bad personality to fix. You need to work on yours and become a better human first before you step into the next relationship. Because if you dont, this is bound to happen again. 

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I’ll leave her alone. I have no other choice.

 

How do I improve so this doesn’t happen to me again? What are somethings I can do to learn a lesson on how to treat people. 
 

Self reflection? Or is it pain that teaches the lesson. My brain works like this:

 

i think about her then I think about the things I did to her then I remember how she felt then I think about why I did it then I wish I could change it/never would’ve done it then I hurt and tell myself I’ll never do it again.
 

 

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1 hour ago, Austino96 said:

I’ll leave her alone. I have no other choice.

 

How do I improve so this doesn’t happen to me again? What are somethings I can do to learn a lesson on how to treat people. 
 

Self reflection? Or is it pain that teaches the lesson. My brain works like this:

 

i think about her then I think about the things I did to her then I remember how she felt then I think about why I did it then I wish I could change it/never would’ve done it then I hurt and tell myself I’ll never do it again.
 

 

Give yourself a few weeks and don’t contact her. Post in one of the Don’t contact your ex threads on the forum instead or write it somewhere else. The relationship is over. Just make better decisions in the future and date someone more compatible with you.

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If you lack the self control and can't resist contacting her, delete all forms of contact.  I've done it.  It's something I used to do immediately.  I couldn't stomach the self loathing after having reached out, especially when it was a really bad idea.   Honestly, if you needed the info for any legitimate reason in the future you can find it.  But the instant access is tempting at time when you are feeling this low isn't a good idea.

You will learn from this.  The pain you are experiencing now will be future reminder.

As far as being afraid to be alone, is a call to stay single for a while.  You make poor choices in partners out of fear.  You stay too long in relationships that no longer serve you when you are afraid.  And you reach out to people who no longer want to be in a relationship you all out of that fear.

Get busy and create a full life.  Don't date until you can do it because you want to and not because you need to.

You are young and you will meet someone someday and you will cherish her so much you, cheating would never cross your mind.   This just wasn't the relationship for you.   

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You miss most what you can't have. That is why you are not accepting this. When she stayed, you shut off your emotions to the whole incident, like you were home free. You even admit, you had no clue she was still upset/hurting. You lack empathy for her, it's always all about you. Your cheating was selfish and self entitled. That's what you strongly need to look at, and change. 

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You're asking how to stop cheating?

Think about this... let's say you went to your girlfriend and told her "I've decided to put my penis into another woman's vagina. How do you feel about that?" How do you think she'd respond? If you know she wouldn't be happy about it, you already know it's wrong.

Cheating on someone you claim to love is wrong. Did you think she'd never find out and that made it OK? Why did you choose (not a "mistake" but a deliberate act) to cheat on her?

But it's done now.  All you can do is stop contacting her and figure out why you put your wants ahead of everything and everyone else. Do some self reflection. Resolve to be a kind, giving and loving person. It's really that easy.

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13 hours ago, Austino96 said:

Youre right I didn’t understand it how it made her feel.

How can you not understand the hurt that a person feels when their committed partner has sex with another person?

You need to figure this out it's a BIG problem.

 

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I'm sorry for the breakup and hopefully one day, you'll realize that you got what you deserved.  It was only a matter of time.

You didn't commit and your cardinal sin was cheating.  If you don't know it by now, after thinking long and hard, you'll discover that certain offenses including cheating, lying, stealing, false accusations, gaslighting, sociopathic behaviors, mental / physical abuse and the whole lot are never forgotten nor repeated IF the victim guarantees it.  This guarantee comes at a high price and the cost is estrangement.

There are times when apologies will never suffice because the victim no longer wishes to take chances with you anymore.  They don't want to always wonder if you'll do it again sometime in the future.  Trust had been irrevocably broken.  💔

Don't try to reason with her because there is no reasoning.  Once bitten,  twice shy.

Her "maybe" is weak and highly unlikely.  I wouldn't hold your breath.

Learn from your mistakes and become a better man from this day forward.  This is how you can make amends with yourself.  After thinking long and hard, be a moral man and then you can move on and start anew with or without someone else.

Do not contact her nor bother her.  Leave her alone so she can heal, recover and move on with her life.  It's the last gift you can give her.  Respect and honor her wishes.  Give her freedom and peace.

To your credit, you are remorseful.  I can't tell you how many people have wronged me sorely yet they never felt remorse, were in chronic denial and gaslighting mode and would never apologize to me in a million years.  At least you've acknowledged your faults and blames.  The majority of people in my life would NEVER admit to anything to save their life.  ☹️
 

 

 

 

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