ONS - Pregnancy

[RKO]

Hi everyone.

I foolishly had a 1 night stand 9 weeks ago, she is now pregnant (11 weeks in pregnancy terms. As last period)and keeping the baby. She is 100% sure the baby is mine. I do not want the baby.

she’s used the morning after pill the day after, I told her a copper coil would have been better incase she ovulated but it fell on deaf ears. Told me I was stressing her.

she found out 3 weeks ago, told me last week and told me not to tell anyone as she hadn’t told a soul. Turns out she told her mum. I haven’t told a soul as don’t know what to do

i do not want a relationship with this woman. Ever. It was a drunk mistake.

she has told me I can remain anonymous and not be involved at all with the baby and no one will need to know ( I’m sure people would work it out though) and she won’t expect any help mentally or financially from me ever as she has worked out budget etc from being a single parent.

I am so torn here, it’s a big thing to keep secret for the rest of your life, morally it’s wrong I know but having the baby would financially cripple me and ruin the lives of my close family.

any advice would be helpful here and please don’t hold back on saying what you think of me

[Seraphim]

Well, I dare to say you learned the hard way. Please always be responsible for your own birth control. She may THINK she has enough money and resources to raise a baby but my bet is she doesn’t. I would start looking to improve your financial situation. 

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Well, I dare to say you learned the hard way. Please always be responsible for your own birth control. She may THINK she has enough money and resources to raise a baby but my bet is she doesn’t. I would start looking to improve your financial situation. 

I know, a terrible mistake. 
 

she does have a big family around her and tbh they are all better off than I am.

 

just don’t know what to do, I want to tell my mum but I dunno

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, RKO said:

I know, a terrible mistake. 
 

she does have a big family around her and tbh they are all better off than I am.

 

just don’t know what to do, I want to tell my mum but I dunno

Time to step up to the plate.  Put your "I don't wanna be a dad to this baby" aside - no time for that now - and tell her you will contribute to medical expenses if any for her pregnancy, you will provide child support.  I would tell your parents once it's a viable pregnancy so that they can decide whether they want to be involved as grandparents and if so you can check in with the expecting mom.  

It's in the best interests of a child to have two loving parents and if you don't want to be an involved father in that sense that's your burden to bear if it's a burden but financially you should support your unborn child and child 100% to the best of your ability.  Not the child's fault that you chose to get drunk and chose the consequences.

And yes if you like ask for a paternity test etc in case there is a chance this baby is not your baby.  

I'm sorry you're upset that you had sex and your partner is pregnant. I understand it's a shock.  You can feel badly about it/react however that helps you -but after you do what's right by your unborn child/child. Morally it's wrong to hurt your innocent child. Your family will be upset it seems and you'd be surprised at the resilience of families who find out there's going to be a baby.  

As far as financial - yes, it's upsetting to find out you can't save what you wished, that your salary now has to go to other responsibilities and remember you had a lot of fun partying and having sex.  Sometimes fun has consequences.  

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

I know, a terrible mistake. 
 

she does have a big family around her and tbh they are all better off than I am.

 

just don’t know what to do, I want to tell my mum but I dunno

I would ask for a paternity test after the child is born. However, if this is your child this child DESERVES the support of both parents. Love and emotional and financial support. They didn’t ask to be born. That is the adult thing to do. 
 

Her family didn’t have drunken sex the both of you did, they aren’t on the hook for this child.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would ask for a paternity test after the child is born. However, if this is your child this child DESERVES the support of both parents. Love and emotional and financial support. They didn’t ask to be born. That is the adult thing to do. 
 

Her family didn’t have drunken sex the both of you did, they aren’t on the hook for this child.

I'm a little conflicted about him being involved if he is so hostile to the idea of being a father to this child.  I wouldn't want the child to suffer from being around a dad who does not want to be there and sees the child as a burden.  It's hard enough to be a loving involved father when the child is being difficult and challenging but the child knows he/she is loved and knows her parent is just temporarily annoyed.  A constant vibe of "I don't wanna be here" - I don't know - maybe better if he just makes sure child is financially supported? Maybe grandparents can be involved and/or the mom will meet a man who wants to be a loving father to this child?

[JoyfulCompany]

Honestly, I was surprised nobody asked about your age and job status. Both I find relevant to making a decision in this situation.
That lack of questions turned my attention to the fact that you've been around the forum for some time (and maybe you're somewhat "known" to the other users).

Which led me to quickly go through some of your previous topics and I stumbled to this one: 

What struck me were these lines:

"Father - Left before I was born, Ive never met him or received anything from him. Ive never wanted to meet him or feel like Ive missed out."

Do you see a pattern here? Do you think you would like to break that pattern?

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Honestly, I was surprised nobody asked about your age and job status. Both I find relevant to making a decision in this situation.
That lack of questions turned my attention to the fact that you've been around the forum for some time (and maybe you're somewhat "known" to the other users).

Which led me to quickly go through some of your previous topics and I stumbled to this one: 

What struck me were these lines:

"Father - Left before I was born, Ive never met him or received anything from him. Ive never wanted to meet him or feel like Ive missed out."

Do you see a pattern here? Do you think you would like to break that pattern?

And I stay by the fact 8 years on from this that I still haven’t met him Or feel like I’ve missed out nor had any desire to meet.

which In some ways is making me ok in some ways about walking away here

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, RKO said:

And I stay by the fact 8 years on from this that I still haven’t met him Or feel like I’ve missed out nor had any desire to meet.

which In some ways is making me ok in some ways about walking away here

Just remember not everyone is you or feels how you do. 

[Kwothe28]

I think its still your kid. Maybe you dont want to make a family with that girl and the decision to have him him is not up to you. But its still your responsability. Kid needs a father figure. OK, maybe she has a family and will eventually even find somebody else. But it still takes a very bad person to just make a kid and not take responsability. Look at your dad for example. You dont want anything to do with that guy because he is a scum that abandoned his kid and never wanted to even meet him. Do you really want to be that guy? 

What I am trying to say is, its easy to walk away. Its much harder to be a man and take responsability for your action. Wanted it or not, you made that girl pregnant. Now you need to own that and be a responsable person.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

which In some ways is making me ok in some ways about walking away here

Yea, but you're repeating your father's pattern. You don't know the value of having a father in your life. And, just because you were made to feel OK about it, it doesn't make it ok.

[JoyfulCompany]

What about this:

"she thinks the root of my problem is down to my father not wanting anything to do with me when I was a baby and not having ever met him, then my grandfather who was my father figure dying when I was 8" - This paragraph doesn't say you necessarily agree, but do you?

In short - as much as you say you have no regrets of not ever knowing your father, there's an indication you think it did contribute to ill patterns within the very core of your self-confidence.
Do you find it fair to cause the same to another human being?

I understand it's not your sole responsibility, since there's a woman that wants to keep the baby and you have no say over that. Hell, it may not even be yours, maybe it's good to check facts (it doesn't seems so if she gives you the option to not get involved but still).

But maybe it's time to take your part of the responsibility? To look into options to improve your financial situation? Also, how do you imagine to continue dating while having a kid you don't care about? Hide the fact, tell the fact?

I'm not trying to rub anything in your face but you need to sit down and think really good. You're not a teenager (you must be at the beginning of your 40s), nobody can make this decision for you. And it's a pretty big one, not only for yourself.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

She is 100% sure the baby is mine. I do not want the baby.

You will need to officially establish paternity, OP. Taking her word is not sufficient. 

You also should speak to a lawyer regarding your responsibilities. I would encourage you to be involved in the child's life if he or she is yours. However, if you decide you don't want any part of this, you need to be crystal-clear about how to legally sign off on your parental rights. 

What is your relationship to this woman? You said it was a one-night stand, but how did you meet her? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

I foolishly had a 1 night stand 9 weeks ago, she is now pregnant (11 weeks in pregnancy terms. As last period)and keeping the baby. She is 100% sure the baby is mine. I do not want the baby.

How well do you know her? You seem to know quite a bit if this was some stranger you had a ONS with.

Do nothing. It's her choice. If she comes after you for child support, get a paternity test. It's really that simple. 

[RKO]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How well do you know her? You seem to know quite a bit if this was some stranger you had a ONS with.

Do nothing. It's her choice. If she comes after you for child support, get a paternity test. It's really that simple. 

Known her about 10 years, we have some mutual friends but could go months, perhaps years without seeing her. Some of her family live in my town.

 

she says no one would know but a lot know we had sex that night at the wedding and it was a butt of all jokes.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

Known her about 10 years, we have some mutual friends but could go months, perhaps years without seeing her. Some of her family live in my town.

 

she says no one would know but a lot know we had sex that night at the wedding and it was a butt of all jokes.

Do you want to get married someday? Have a child maybe? Most women who would know you abandoned your child would be wary of getting involved with you.  

[RKO]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you want to get married someday? Have a child maybe? Most women who would know you abandoned your child would be wary of getting involved with you.  

I mean yes I’d like all that but Either 

 

a:they wouldn’t know

b: I’d tell them before it got too serious

[DarkCh0c0]

Just now, RKO said:

a:they wouldn’t know

This is not an option. Don't lie by omission. If you want to find a long-term partner, you need to be honest. Honesty is the best policy.

[DarkCh0c0]

Have you watched Insecure?

Your situation is very similar to one of the main actors 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qOuwSFxHcIc (this is a clip from season 4 finale when the ex announces she's pregnant and keeping the baby despite Lawrence not agreeing to it.)

Lawrence, the actor in question, ended up wanting to be with the kid when he was born while keeping peace with the mom. You might have a change of heart once you see your child and you'll want to be more involved in his life than your father did. Maybe don't make any rash decisions and process instead what having a baby might mean to you. A therapist can also assist you in unpacking that trauma/file.

[tattoobunnie]

Do you how invasive and dangerous the copper coil can be?  It's like saying if you don't want to knock someone up, get a vasectomy.  It's not like you get a cooper coil at a local drug store.  Who tells a one-night stand to get a cooper coil that is actual medical procedure?  Try taking accountability for your own actions and go with condoms.

You also don't have to be in a relationship to have, support, and love a kid.  How would a baby "financially cripple you, and ruin the lives of your close family?"  If you do the math, have insurance, a healthy full-term baby is relatively cheap to care for.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, RKO said:

I mean yes I’d like all that but Either 

 

a:they wouldn’t know

b: I’d tell them before it got too serious

They will know either because of through the grapevine/social media/small world -you'd be surprised! (for example I randomly: was acquainted with my friend's late partner's mistress -completely different cities, as well as the sibling of my friend's husband's problematic ex wife -also totally different cities).  

Yes- of course you tell.  Perhaps some women will be ok with it depending on your choices going forward.  

[Jibralta]

Get a paternity test.

If it's yours, buckle up.

If not, be more careful next time.

49 minutes ago, RKO said:

I mean yes I’d like all that but Either 

 

a:they wouldn’t know

b: I’d tell them before it got too serious

Wait.

In your first post, you said:

6 hours ago, RKO said:

she has told me I can remain anonymous and not be involved at all with the baby and no one will need to know ( I’m sure people would work it out though)

Why did that option disappear? You ought to stop omitting possibilities simply because they contradict what you prefer to believe. 

Yes, sex leads to babies, even when you're just having fun. If you don't want children, use your own birth control or abstain. 

Yes, you are responsible if you father a child and the mother keeps it.

Yes, your dating options will decrease as women learn that you ran away from your fatherly responsibilities. The time when a man can shirk this duty and still stand tall as a man is all but over. People (men and women) will think you're a loser. They will talk about you behind your back.

No, it really doesn't matter what you want. If you created another mouth for this world to feed, you are responsible to feed it. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is make yourself available as a father if this girl calls on you to be one.

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, RKO said:

a:they wouldn’t know

This would be a terrible secret to keep from a partner. 

Please, re-evaluate your thinking on all of this here.

[bluecastle]

The impression your posts here give is that you're asking advice on something that is impossible: how to make this all go away, how to make your life just as it was.

That's an understandable reaction to a big, life-changing surprise, but it is a dangerous place to say rooted in, the sort of dark corner where shame, guilt, and denial grow like a fungus.

This is all happening, and it's happening, in part, because of a choice you made. You need to own that as the truth, and then figure out who you want to be alongside that truth. Maybe think of it like this: What do you want your true story to be when you meet a woman you're really into in a few months, a few years? Or, more existentially: What do you want your true story to be when you're alone in front of a mirror? Think about that, see it, and then start taking the steps needed to inhabit it.

For whatever it's worth, I'll share a maybe-relevant story:

A friend of mine, a few years ago, met a guy on a dating app. Off the bat he told her that he had a baby who he was co-parenting with...a brief fling he had on Tinder. Doubt that was something he wanted as part of his identity, but he owned it, she respected his honesty, found his commitment to carving out a co-parenting role compelling, and they dated for a stretch. Didn't work out, but the reasons weren't to due to all that, or any questions about his character that no doubt crossed her mind when this information was revealed.

Anyhow, I recognize this isn't what you hoped your life would be, but it's what it is. Can only speak for myself, but in your shoes I'd want to establish paternity and then really give some thought and feeling to how you—you two, really—want this look and feel. There are all sorts of versions, none more right than the other, with the exception of receipt and denial. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

she says no one would know but a lot know we had sex that night at the wedding and it was a butt of all jokes.

So this isn't just a matter of your private conscience alone, but rather, you'll be showing all who can put 2+2 together that you're abandoning your child?

That's one big consideration that may feel imposing and awful right now, but if you opt to participate in your child's life, you may end up thanking yourself later.

Given that you may not have a choice financially, regardless of what the mother says now, you may want to consult a legal and a financial expert to plan a fund for your child.

The mother's casual words to you may be overridden by the law on the baby's behalf if her family or another interested party invests in getting legal help for the baby.