Boyfriend moved in with girl mate who he used to crush on and got angry at my for blowing up at them having dinner

[baybyro23]

Boyfriend (now ex) moved in with a girl (super hot) who he used to have a crush on years ago but no longer does. I told him it made me uncomfortable but it was ok, with time, that feeling would go away and I asked him to be patient with me. And so he was. But we had a few issues in terms of what we found acceptable in a relationship, so we did have a few disagreements but had only argued once about it. We’re both 28 but decided to post here because honestly I am at an age where I wouldn’t mind settling and finding a partner for life (I thought it would be him) 

Where I live it’s common to live with opposite sex flatmates so I was trying to warm up to the idea and also understand this friendship dynamic. 

He had already sorted the move BEFORE we met each other and he made it clear they were just friends and he has felt nothing for her for years, always cheering me up, he had been supportive in general of my feelings (I want to be impartial and tell the story like it is). 

He doesn’t have a history of cheating and we’ve always had pretty good communication (or so I thought..)

But one night he was having dinner with her and he went and bought pasta, wine and he has never cooked for me before and I felt really bad but didn't say anything to him. But when they were having dinner, he didn't reply to me and he knew I was home alone so it made me jealous. I called him and told him I'm not okay with that but by that time I was really angry and was a bit rude to him and he broke up with me due to my “reaction”. 

I apologized and explained myself but he told me he felt nothing for me anymore and that the "sweet girl" image he had of me was gone. I told him that it was the first time I got really upset over something that he would reconsider his decision, but he left me. I begged and pleaded and did all those silly things obviously nothing worked so I asked if we could at least talk in person and after a few days he came over. 

When we talked in person about our break up, I asked him if I could have joined them for dinner or having wine with some time, them he said absolutely not, that I wasn't welcomed and this was a moment between the two of them. I felt really hurt hearing this as if it were the other way around, I'd definitely want my SO there or at least wouldn't have replied in that way.

To me, it's different than being out with "the boys" or spending time in a group of friends. When I asked him if she was more important to him than I was he said "absolutely" and you don't get to tell me what I do and I don't with my friends. And I told him that I really don't, but it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance when I'm still getting used to the idea of him moving in with this girl. I've never been through a similar situation before so it was really mentally hard.

Not saying he would physically cheat on me, but that kind of dynamic leaves space for creating a bigger intimacy that in my point of view should happen between your partner and you.

I never asked him to stop being friends with her or move out.

He broke up with me saying it was 100% my fault because I overreacted to which I explained to him it’s been an ongoing issue for me as I’m struggling to be ok with it but at the same time I had never acted that way before, I just got really annoyed at that moment, but I think every relationship there's something you can learn, even when I was in abusive relationships on the other side, I still learnt.

I am frustrated as this is really eating my brain alive because apart from that, we got along great, he was the best to me and I was really nice to him as well, we had good communication, looked after each other, laughed at lot, like legit the best relationship I've ever had because it was so organic and natural, and he would also tell me he felt the same so it's still really fresh. I've spoken to several people telling both sides of the story and most agreed they'd be hurt too in my position but I want some outside perspective too.

Truth of matter is, I am REALLY struggling with this. It was a short relationship and it is hurting so much more than my longer ones. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out. 

PS: please don't be mean, this has been really tough on me :(

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

by that time I was really angry and was a bit rude to him and he broke up with me due to my “reaction”. 

What did you say? 

 

[baybyro23]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you say? 

 

I asked him that I hated the fact that he cooked dinner for her while he never cooked for me and the fact that he stopped replying me (we were chatting via text) and went MIA until I called him. Also asked why he didn’t pick up the first time and ran to his room to answer the video chat. He then said “what? I’m done with this, I don’t owe you anything and I can do whatever I want, I’m done with this” and from that point on it was just a complete sh*t show 

Yes I understand this can come off as controlling but Is never act like that when he was with friends family or alone… it was just this girl in particular that made me so uncomfortable 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

Boyfriend moved in with a girl he used to have a crush on. We’re both 28  I am at an age where I wouldn’t mind settling and finding a partner for life

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating?

If opposite-sex flat mates is so common and you two get along and everything is so organic and natural, why didn't you two move in together? Makes no sense he's living with and wining/dining other women.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet if you are looking for a committed relationship and he wants his freedom to act like a single guy.

Don't try to be the "chill GF" who absorbs such nonsense. It should have ended when they moved in together. They're acting like a couple, not roommates.

[baybyro23]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating?

If opposite-sex flat mates is so common and you two get along and everything is so organic and natural, why didn't you two move in together? Makes no sense he's living with and wining/dining other women.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet if you are looking for a committed relationship and he wants his freedom to act like a single guy.

Don't try to be the "chill GF" who absorbs such nonsense. It should have ended when they moved in together. They're acting like a couple, not roommates.

Only two months dating the moving had been set up prior to us dating. 

We have known each other for almost 8 months though. 

 

I tried being the Chill GF because I’ve been very jealous in the past unreasonably and hurt a few ex partners. 
 

Me in the past would’ve FLIPPED of knowing any girl is near my boyfriend let alone him living with one. 

I think I’ve come a long way, understanding I can’t control the other and relationship is based on trust. That said, I still think some scenarios aren’t appropriate for people to be in if they’re in a relationship with another. 

And I think that’s where it hurt. When he told me he wouldn’t be able to cut down the quality time he spent with her in order to make me feel better. And that’s when we agreed to disagree and he moved on

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

When we talked in person about our break up, I asked him if I could have joined them for dinner or having wine with some time, them he said absolutely not, that I wasn't welcomed and this was a moment between the two of them.

Yeah, I dont really think he got over her.

Aside of that, you ignored an absolute unit of red flag regarding that and he used "deflection" and just dump it all on you with

28 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

I apologized and explained myself but he told me he felt nothing for me anymore and that the "sweet girl" image he had of me was gone. I told him that it was the first time I got really upset over something that he would reconsider his decision, but he left me. I begged and pleaded and did all those silly things obviously nothing worked so I asked if we could at least talk in person and after a few days he came over. 

 

You caught him fawning over his ex crush(or so he told you) so now you are just a jealous B and he doesnt feel nothing. Absolute deflection. To hide the fact that he "had a moment" with his crush. And you begged him for something? That guy didnt deserve to say "Hi" to him in the street after it. 

Anyway, lately Ive been looking at those kind of things as a blessings in disguise. You could have spent way more time with somebody that lies to you, prepares romantic dinners, maybe even cheats with his hot girl roomate. And then deflects and dumps everything on you. So now, despite everything that happens you are free to find somebody way better then that. Its way better that you have discovered those things early. So now you can move on.

[MissCanuck]

55 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

I asked him if I could have joined them for dinner or having wine with some time, them he said absolutely not, that I wasn't welcomed and this was a moment between the two of them.

You're better off without this guy. 

 

[baybyro23]

Yeah he said it’s common to have the first dinner in the house only with the housemates. I get that but, 

I don’t care if it’s tradition, this particular girl made me feel unsafe he couldn’t put the d*mn tradition aside for that?

I feel angry. I feel jealous as well because she’s really pretty too. 

When he came over he looked at me and said “this is 100% your fault, if you hadn’t treated me that way we would still be together” and he went on to say it was the fest that I was rude to him and “”controlling”” (?) rather than just voicing how I felt uncomfortable. 

He said “you should feel happy for me that I’m enjoying dinner instead you’re there wondering if I’m cheating on you or doing something shady” And in his mind it’s absurd I don’t like them having dinner together because they’re just friends 

I apologized and begged and cried because really, I do NOT want to be a controlling girlfriend, this is not whom I am to be as woman entering her 30s. That said, I also never felt comfortable with the housemate situation and I think we agreed to disagree that he could’ve have invited me over that night or at least understood why I blew up at him after the dinner, but he told me that killed any feelings he had for me so really there wasn’t much I could do. 

This is really confusing because it could go both ways. I can be seen as totally jealous and freaky and he could be seen as a jerk. It’s hard to move on because I keep dwelling on the “what if I had kept my cool?” he would’ve never left me… and then I have to “learn” for the next relationship when he was everything I wanted 

[Rose Mosse]

14 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

I feel angry. I feel jealous as well because she’s really pretty too. 

When he came over he looked at me and said “this is 100% your fault, if you hadn’t treated me that way we would still be together” and he went on to say it was the fest that I was rude to him and “”controlling”” (?) rather than just voicing how I felt uncomfortable. 

He said “you should feel happy for me that I’m enjoying dinner instead you’re there wondering if I’m cheating on you or doing something shady” And in his mind it’s absurd I don’t like them having dinner together because they’re just friends 

In future keep reminding yourself that you’re dating to find out what/who a person is and their character. It’s early days so this is the time to observe. Don’t expend so much energy getting angry. It’s natural to feel disappointed, stop and step back. 

His words are classless and not a sign of a respectful or classy man. Can you see this? Before reacting to what he’s done look at his actions and listen to his words. This has nothing to do with being “sweet”. People often mistake sweetness or kindness for weakness. It appears he’s interested in dating a mannequin but you’ll also have to learn to curb your anger. Observe more next time with future partners and take your time developing more of your trust for one another. 
 

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, baybyro23 said:

It’s hard to move on because I keep dwelling on the “what if I had kept my cool?” he would’ve never left me…

And you would still have a problem. Of somebody who prepares romantic dinners for crushes. You keep blaming this on yourself and your jealousy. You allowing him to do what he wants so you wont appear jealous wouldnt solve your issues. You would still be together but he could have a free reign to do whatever he wants. With the person he trully wants to be. His hot roomate. So again, take it as a blessings in disguise that you discovered that issue so early and that its over and dont beat yourself too much over it.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, baybyro23 said:

But one night he was having dinner with her and he went and bought pasta, wine and he has never cooked for me before and I felt really bad but didn't say anything to him. But when they were having dinner, he didn't reply to me and he knew I was home alone so it made me jealous. I called him and told him I'm not okay with that but by that time I was really angry and was a bit rude to him and he broke up with me due to my “reaction”. 

I apologized and explained myself but he told me he felt nothing for me anymore and that the "sweet girl" image he had of me was gone. I told him that it was the first time I got really upset over something that he would reconsider his decision, but he left me. I begged and pleaded and did all those silly things obviously nothing worked so I asked if we could at least talk in person and after a few days he came over. 

When we talked in person about our break up, I asked him if I could have joined them for dinner or having wine with some time, them he said absolutely not, that I wasn't welcomed and this was a moment between the two of them. I felt really hurt hearing this as if it were the other way around, I'd definitely want my SO there or at least wouldn't have replied in that way.

He sounds rather rude! 😕 

He basically admitted your worth to him here.

Was only a couple months, sadly not long enough for you two to truly get to know each other properly... and at this point i'd gladly dis-own someone like this!

Be done.  Move on.  You do not need someone like that in your life.  😉 

 

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, baybyro23 said:

When he came over he looked at me and said “this is 100% your fault, if you hadn’t treated me that way we would still be together” and he went on to say it was the fest that I was rude to him and “”controlling”” (?) rather than just voicing how I felt uncomfortable. 
 

People typically don't end relationships this way unless they have been thinking about it for some time.

His response feels a little gas lighting.  My sense he's guilty of something but says this to you in an attempt to get you to take the entire blame.  I wouldn't be surprised if they end up being a couple or at least he makes a play for her.

I'm sorry. I get you had a low moment and wished you handled it differently.  But at the same time almost anyone would feel the way you had in that moment.  I wouldn't handle the idea well that my man moved in with a crush (past or otherwise) wined and dined her alone and then after ignoring my phone call, broke up with me because I was uncomfortable with it all.  

If you were important to him and the dinner was nothing more than innocent, he would have taken your phone call.  If it had been one of his guy friends, would he have taken your call?

He chose her over you in that moment.  Don't look back.  He's not the guy for you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, baybyro23 said:

When he came over he looked at me and said “this is 100% your fault, if you hadn’t treated me that way we would still be together”

You dodged a bullet You only wasted 60 days on this abusive clown.

[indea08]

Yeah, of all the men in the world, why would you bother with one who has all this BS to deal with.

You really are better off. You shouldn’t have even apologized, HE was soooooo wrong.

[DancingFool]

OP, who are you kidding? This guy is not over her, is actively trying his best to get into her bed and is lying like a dog to you while trying to make you out to be crazy. You are not crazy and there is literally nothing normal about this situation or his behavior. 

There is a world of difference between roommates happening to eat together and him going all out prepping a meal with wine for just the two of them while turning off his phone so you don't interrupt his romantic tryst. Come on, if there is ever a time to flip out rightfully, this is what that looks like.

I don't know your past and whether you were justified in your behavior or not, but I can guarantee you that when it comes to this guy, he is trash you leave at the curb. This is what an actual cheater looks like and acts like. Delete and block this loser from your life and never look back. Sometimes your gut is screaming at you for reason - believe it.

[Lambert]

I honestly think, without knowing you or him, he jumped on the opportunity to break up.  And he felt very righteous about defending himself and his actions. Because he wanted to break up.  So he acted like what you did was so horrible.

He was cruel and rude. It says a lot about a person, how they let someone down. A good person doesn't want to hurt another person. They let them down easy and try to shoulder that burden of hurt and its hard. They feel bad.

Not this guy. He's all high and mighty. Putting you down, watching you feel like crap and being sorry for what he knows is probably true. That he is a user and a jerk that treated you poorly. He doesnt want to admit he his flaws

I'm sorry.  It does hurt but at two months, don't be thinking of anyone as someone to settle down with. That's putting them on a pedestal they don't deserve. It takes time to see more than what a person is on paper. 

You dodged a bullet for sure.  Never, ever talk to this guy again.  You can find better. I'm sure of it! 

 

[Jamie425]

8 hours ago, baybyro23 said:

Boyfriend (now ex) moved in with a girl (super hot) who he used to have a crush on years ago but no longer does. I told him it made me uncomfortable but it was ok, with time, that feeling would go away and I asked him to be patient with me. And so he was. But we had a few issues in terms of what we found acceptable in a relationship, so we did have a few disagreements but had only argued once about it. We’re both 28 but decided to post here because honestly I am at an age where I wouldn’t mind settling and finding a partner for life (I thought it would be him) 

Where I live it’s common to live with opposite sex flatmates so I was trying to warm up to the idea and also understand this friendship dynamic. 

He had already sorted the move BEFORE we met each other and he made it clear they were just friends and he has felt nothing for her for years, always cheering me up, he had been supportive in general of my feelings (I want to be impartial and tell the story like it is). 

He doesn’t have a history of cheating and we’ve always had pretty good communication (or so I thought..)

But one night he was having dinner with her and he went and bought pasta, wine and he has never cooked for me before and I felt really bad but didn't say anything to him. But when they were having dinner, he didn't reply to me and he knew I was home alone so it made me jealous. I called him and told him I'm not okay with that but by that time I was really angry and was a bit rude to him and he broke up with me due to my “reaction”. 

I apologized and explained myself but he told me he felt nothing for me anymore and that the "sweet girl" image he had of me was gone. I told him that it was the first time I got really upset over something that he would reconsider his decision, but he left me. I begged and pleaded and did all those silly things obviously nothing worked so I asked if we could at least talk in person and after a few days he came over. 

When we talked in person about our break up, I asked him if I could have joined them for dinner or having wine with some time, them he said absolutely not, that I wasn't welcomed and this was a moment between the two of them. I felt really hurt hearing this as if it were the other way around, I'd definitely want my SO there or at least wouldn't have replied in that way.

To me, it's different than being out with "the boys" or spending time in a group of friends. When I asked him if she was more important to him than I was he said "absolutely" and you don't get to tell me what I do and I don't with my friends. And I told him that I really don't, but it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance when I'm still getting used to the idea of him moving in with this girl. I've never been through a similar situation before so it was really mentally hard.

Not saying he would physically cheat on me, but that kind of dynamic leaves space for creating a bigger intimacy that in my point of view should happen between your partner and you.

I never asked him to stop being friends with her or move out.

He broke up with me saying it was 100% my fault because I overreacted to which I explained to him it’s been an ongoing issue for me as I’m struggling to be ok with it but at the same time I had never acted that way before, I just got really annoyed at that moment, but I think every relationship there's something you can learn, even when I was in abusive relationships on the other side, I still learnt.

I am frustrated as this is really eating my brain alive because apart from that, we got along great, he was the best to me and I was really nice to him as well, we had good communication, looked after each other, laughed at lot, like legit the best relationship I've ever had because it was so organic and natural, and he would also tell me he felt the same so it's still really fresh. I've spoken to several people telling both sides of the story and most agreed they'd be hurt too in my position but I want some outside perspective too.

Truth of matter is, I am REALLY struggling with this. It was a short relationship and it is hurting so much more than my longer ones. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out. 

PS: please don't be mean, this has been really tough on me 😞

 

I know you're hurting. We've all been there. So, I'm going to be as delicate as possible. You say he's so great. But he never cooked for you. He has shown no consideration for your valid concerns. He said the break up was 100 percent your fault. Rarely is that the case. And that is not the statement of a full grown mature man.

Nor is it reasonable that one bad reaction, one most people would understand, would be the reason to break up. I could be wrong. It's possible he's  looking for an excuse to break up and blame the whole thing on you.

The way you've communicated how you've handled this situation and tried so hard to understand makes it obvious you are a kind hearted, loyal person whose always willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. 

STOP! At least for now and when it comes to him.  You've been jumping through emotional hoops for this man child and he brushes you off with a flimsy excuse?

Time to get mad. Get over it. Then thank God you're out. You deserve better.

[Wonderstruck]

16 hours ago, baybyro23 said:

I apologized and explained myself but he told me he felt nothing for me anymore and that the "sweet girl" image he had of me was gone.

This is ENRAGING.

So, basically, he's telling you that if you stand up for yourself over ANYTHING that transpires in the relationship, call him out on ANY type of mistreatment, or express ANY negative emotions like anger, frustration, or hurt feelings, it will shatter his image of you as a "sweet girl" and he will feel nothing for you.

THIS IS DESPICABLE. He said this to guilt-trip you and shut you up, so that you would crawl away meekly with your tail between your legs, genuinely believing that you're a "crazy b*tch" who "drove away a good guy" by daring to lose your temper, instead of a woman who accurately recognized that she was being mistreated and called him out on it.

 

16 hours ago, baybyro23 said:

When I asked him if she was more important to him than I was he said "absolutely" and you don't get to tell me what I do and I don't with my friends.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! He had the AUDACITY to admit to you that she's more important to him than YOU are?! And you're just expected to choke that back and be okay with it?!

 

16 hours ago, baybyro23 said:

He broke up with me saying it was 100% my fault because I overreacted

Nah, he's gaslighting you. You reacted exactly appropriately - you called him out on disrespectful, hurtful behaviour and he couldn't handle it, so now he's trying to make you feel like YOU'RE the one in the wrong.

He WANTS you to believe that a "sweet girl" would have been laid-back and calm over his inappropriate behaviour, so that you will beat yourself up for daring to express your anger and hurt over his disrespectful actions.

He wants you to blame yourself for the break-up.

He is a SCUMBAG and, though you can't see it now, you DODGED A BULLET.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but please know that you can do SO MUCH BETTER.

You CAN find a guy who would never DREAM of treating you this way.

 

[poorlittlefish]

This guy may have told you he no longer has a crush on the girl, but he was lying to you, to himself or both.

He was wooing her with the meal and whatever else you don't know about. He was keeping you as a back-up plan and when you called him out he decided you were too much of an inconvenience. The fact he refused to have you share their cosy dinner confirms that his intentions were not innocent. You are well rid of him. 

[Andrina]

You say you're 30, so I'm assuming he's around the same age. The fact by itself, that at his age, he's moving in with a female roommate, even if it had been a very platonic thing, means he's nowhere near wanting a longterm, monogamous, serious relationship with any woman.

This behavior might be normal in one's late teens or early 20s when they first move out, and they don't have a serious romance. When someone older makes life decisions like he has, he has no intention of settling down with a serious partner.

When you get time and distance away from him, you will probably see things more realistically.

If it's any consolation with the way you're feeling now, if he enters a romance with this lady, it will end in disaster as it's not smart to go from crushing on someone to immediate co-habitation. It will implode when the newness wears off.

But it doesn't really matter as his business is no longer your concern. 

The right man will give you no need to feel jealous, if you've worked on that area of your life, as you say you have with unjustified jealousy.

If you keep on with a pattern of dating men who warrant jealousy, you have more work to do in spotting those red flags earlier.

Take care.

[1a1a]

I suppose good thing he was honest in the end. His connection with his room mate is more important to him than his connection with you. 
 

Burn it with fire and put it in the bin he’s trash!

[catfeeder]

On 7/26/2022 at 8:57 AM, baybyro23 said:

I still think some scenarios aren’t appropriate for people to be in if they’re in a relationship with another. 

I think you're exactly right. You recognize that this kind of assessment can't be used to limit someone else's behavior, but you didn't take that line of thinking far enough. It DOES mean that we can set our OWN limits--we can walk away from an intolerable situation.

For instance, my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover in any way, shape or form beyond shared children.

So if I start dating a guy only to learn that he's moving IN with an ex lover, I'm clear that I can't tell him what to do. But I CAN invoke my own limit and take myself out of that equation.

I can say, "I respect you and I don't claim that you're doing anything wrong--but I know myself well enough to know that I can't stay with you because of it. If you're ever free and clear of involvement with all exes, feel free to give me a ring. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Best of luck to you!"

Boom! Done. I've left my door open a crack, and I might be sad for a while, but my self respect is way high.

Otherwise, anything could have prompted me to come out sideways while putting up with something that isn't tolerable to me.

Don't gaslight yourself into viewing your intolerance as 'wrong,' but next time you hit a dealbreaker, pay attention to your own gut and honor it. You will thank yourself later.

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

Ok. Next time look for red flags early on. Lives with "ex". Lives with a woman. Ex is "best friend" and all the other assorted nonsense and drama no one needs.

Sorry to say but this creep was using you as filler until he could wine and dine his way into her pants.

[boltnrun]

Can't really say for certain their relationship won't last. 

My cousin had a girlfriend he didn't live with and a spare bedroom. A buddy of his approached him about a young woman he knew who'd gone through a rough breakup and needed a room to rent for her and her young daughter. 

You can guess the rest. My cousin and the girlfriend broke up. He's been married to the former roommate for over 15 years and they have two kids of their own. So yeah, he wasn't all that committed to the girlfriend apparently!