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What in the world just happened?


Rose820
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So long story short I met a guy at a staff party who was a new manager where I had used to work (I am no longer an employee) We hit it off, would up getting drunk and I went back to his place for a shower and passed out. He tried to hook up with me a few times and I refused. When he asked me why I told him that I want to establish an emotional connection before getting intimate. I've come up with these boundaries after being burned so many times but I left that part out. He explained that he knew why I didn't want to hook up, because I would "catch feelings" and then become scared, but he said he was ready for that, and that he wanted this to be more than just a fling. So he kept asking me to sleep over, I declined a few times, and kept it moving. 

We decided to go on a date on his next day off, do something fun during the day, and I agreed to sleep over Tuesday. In between there we hung out during the day at his pool a few times so this was a total of 4th or 5th time hanging. He was calling me honey, babe, telling me how comfortable he felt around me, and then preceded to ask me why I didn't want to get intimate when we laid down. I told him look, these are my boundaries, thats it. He responded that he knew what I was trying to do, and he's okay with it. He said he is willing to wait and he wanted me to know that he wasn't all about sex. 

We hung out the next day, we went to the pool and he grabbed me close, as he did I felt he was turned on. He brought it up AGAIN, trying to understand my boundaries. And I finally said look, I just want to make sure we're on the same page here....I'm looking for something serious EVENTUALLY, but I don't want to jump into a relationship right NOW. He said " why don't we finish our little suaree and decide if we want to be committed"........which to me, that was basically what I just said but reworded? 

So we went out on a double date with our friends that night, everything was fine, he acted like my boyfriend and all. We wound up drinking a little more than I had expected, but whatever, we had fun. I brought up how I noticed he had kids on his instagram, and asked if they were his. Mind you, he never brought this up to me. But you know what, it's his business. He didn't have to tell me EVERYTHING, but I figured that's something you should maybe bring up especially since he asked me if I ever wanted to have kids while we were in the pool that day.....

Long story short, he said you know what " I know what you want, you want to be committed? Lets be committed. So of course I smiled and agreed, mainly because of the 5 margaritas I had in my system. Was it too early? Of course. But I thought okay I guess this guy is really serious and we can talk about things tomorrow. I went WRONG by letting my guard down and sleeping with him that night. I just thought I could trust him after that I mean what MAN asks to be committed if they don't mean it? 

We woke up the next day, went to the beach with our friend, and then went out that night again. I brought it up like " hey, did we agree to be in a relationship last night?" Just to talk about it, not to be crazy... and then he brings up how he knew I slept with this guy from work. Which totally didn't mean anything to me, I'm single and can do what I want.... but him and this guy are friends ( not good friends they met briefly at work) and he says well, "you know he's kinda my good friend and thats a little weird. And you know he was banging this other girl you worked with too". Basically making me feel like some *** or something. So then he goes, " why did you make me wait but not this guy" makes no sense. He sort of had a point here, but I told myself I was done feeling like *** after having casual sex. I also liked this guy. And I told him well, " because I like you, it's different". .. Then he precedes to tell me he has commitment issues.... Which mind you NEVER CAME UP until he slept with me. We had a lot to drink so I kind of thought this isn't the right time for this conversation. and he changed the subject anyway.... so I moved on. So his friend calls him on facetime, and he puts me on. I starting waving to his friends and they asked who is that? I was like, his new girlfriend!. He grabbed the phone immediately. I knew deep down that was crazy and I probably shouldn't have said it, but we were drinking a lot and I also thought why would he ask me to be committed if he didn't mean it? So SCREW HIM. 

We wound up sleeping together that night... and we thought I was on my cycle but I wasn't. He went inside of me without asking and I was furious. The next morning I woke him up because we had to go get the pill, and he tells me... "Publix is right down the street why don't you just go". I made him get up and go with me because absolutely NOT. So then I was pissed, I had an attitude bad, because I feel I had every right to. Long story short I told him I was upset, and if somethings bothering me I'm going to say it... 

So I asked why he would say let's commit? If he had commitment issues? He immediately turned it around on me and said that was all you! It was your idea. I said NOO, I remember. And he goes well, " I was just drunk". Then preceded to raise his voice at me and say " You're moving too fast, you've been eluding this whole time you want a relationship, we don't even know each other!" Mind you, I was bringing it up because I could not get over someone would just say that and not mean it.... not because I wanted a relationship THAT VERY MOMENT. He couldn't seem to understand my point. The rest of the day went on and the disrespect was unbelievable. I was so sick, so upset, he asked me what I was in the mood for, and then said well, I don't want that, I want tacos! Like why would you even ask. I got back to his place and instantly started packing my things. And I gave him the sass right back.  He started to be nice, asked me what I was doing with my day, and then as I was leaving asked me for a kiss. So I kissed him and told myself I would never see him again. 

I know men get freaked out when girls say they want something serious. But the difference here is I never brought it up, I never said I wanted a relationship right then, he asked me? But then gaslighted me to make me feel as if I was crazy. I could understand if he asked me to be in a relationship because he was drunk, and then woke up and said hey look, you know maybe we should slow it down xyz. But to not even bring it up to me...when I brought it up he flipped out.... and then act like that? I don't know.. I've been with some ***s but this I can't seem to understand....

He never reached out to me since Friday, to ask how I was feeling after taking the morning after pill...nothing. I reached out to him yesterday because I left some things there and told him I'd come by to get it. He said " okay, and how are you feeling?" I didn't even respond. I didn't care to get into it, and come on if you gave a damn you would've asked before. Maybe I'm being crazy because my hormones are all out of whack but... I plan to get my things tomorrow before I go to the pool with my girlfriend who lives in his building. I'm debating if I should have a talk with him, or tell him to leave my things at the front desk and avoid it. It's all just so WILD to me 

Edited by Rose820
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It’s wild to you because it is wild. You don’t communicate well with each other at all. Based on what you’ve said about him, it sounds like he’s just after sex and is saying whatever he thinks you want to hear to reach that end. It’s irrational, and you are a willing participant in it. If you enjoy the dynamic, continue, but it’s not a healthy connection and isn’t going to ultimately result in anything beneficial for you. If you know it’s not what you want, extricate yourself from it. 

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Sorry about all this.

To attempt to answer the question in your title—what happened here—I'd say that what happened was a lot of booze and hormones. Dude seemed pretty intent on one goal from the outset—sleeping together—and once that happened he revealed himself to be even lamer than he'd been at every stage leading up to it. I really don't think there's much more of a mystery here. 

But to offer some specific analysis, this...

29 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

He brought it up AGAIN, trying to understand my boundaries. And I finally said look, I just want to make sure we're on the same page here....I'm looking for something serious EVENTUALLY, but I don't want to jump into a relationship right NOW. He said " why don't we finish our little suaree and decide if we want to be committed"........which to me, that was basically what I just said but reworded? 

...does not strike me as him saying the same thing, but more him ignoring everything you said. Translation: "Why don't we have some more to drink, have some sex, and see about the commitment stuff later or never." A man who actually heard you—well, for starters, you wouldn't have to keep shouting it in touchy-feely moments, and he'd say something like "Totally get it" and wouldn't keep trying to cop a feel. Something to earmark for the future.  

Having boundaries and being clear on them is great. But all that gets a little blurry when you start mixing in a ton of booze, bathing suits, showers, and sleepovers. Might be worth considering tapping the brakes on all that in the future and feeling someone out over a few more dates, so this sort of character stuff comes to the surface before the clothes come off. 

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Nothing to do with gender.  You choose to get drunk you choose the consequences.  You chose to hang out with a guy you barely knew at his home (thank goodness he didn't assault you or you weren't assaulted by some other person who might have been there/arrived there) while you were drunk -so drunk you passed out.  That will likely give the guy the impression that you have very little regard for your own safety and little self-respect.

You continued to see him even though he badgered you about sex.  There's nothing to "understand".  No is no.  I'm not ready is I'm not ready.  But your actions -no, you weren't asking for it- were kind of inconsistent because despite him badgering you you kept hanging out with him, getting drunk and choosing not to be all together in your head as a result, etc.  

Guys are not afraid of commitment.  People who aren't that into other people do not commit or if they do feel scared, choose fear over commitment.  Some people are afraid of commitment and unavailable to commit.  That's relatively rare.  Most people are available to commit to the right person if they are single and they very very often choose commitment over fear because the other person offering commitment is worth it to them.

People who respect people want those people to feel comfortable around them.  That includes comfortable as far as how far to go physically or sexually.  People who choose to get drunk with someone they don't know or are getting to know are choosing very often to send confusing signals because the actions might come across as open and go with the flow- including the flow of alcohol - but that is because the person first chose the action of getting drunk. 

People who want a commitment very often avoid hanging out with drunk people or having any serious conversation with a drunk person because they are serious minded and know they cannot trust the person who chose to get drunk to be able to live up to a commitment that they say they want while drunk.  

If you're serious minded then date properly, date safely, date sober.  

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36 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

We hit it off, would up getting drunk and I went back to his place for a shower and passed out.

I am sorry to say but: How do you expect a commited guy with actions like this?

You met a guy at the party, got drunk, and then got to his place immediately. To pass out there. What kind of image you expect him to have about you? Do you expect him to:

a) Treats you with respect and dates you as somebody who he can introduce to his family

b) Treats you exactly how he treated you and discards after he gets what he wants

Guy is an idiot and only wanted one thing. He only asked about one thing and he did everything to get there. You sleped with his friend so he thought he could get some too. And he did eventualy. 

But my point is, with your kind of behavior you will attract only one kind of guys. The ones that will not treat you right and only want one thing. It happened to the last guy you wrote about that didnt want to stay after sex, it happened now. You need to respect yourself first. Getting drunk and going to some strangers place to pass out there, is not that. He could be most respectful guy in the world. And he would still think of you exactly what he thought after your actions showed him that you are not respecting yourself for more. If you demand some commitment, than handle yourself in the same way. 

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It's like that old rap song from years ago "so he asked me if he was my first and I said why do you guys always ask me that????" Or my male friend -platonic-who used to sleep around a bit and told me that most women would say after a one night stand or two-night stand "I've never done this before!!" and he'd be amused.  

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I never got drunk and passed out. We both went to our friends after party and slept there. Then we woke up in the morning and he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. He got me fresh clothes and I showered there, not together. We were out with friends both nights that we both knew, drinking. And he wasn't a stranger, he was someone I had worked with previously. To me that's not an aspect of having no self respect or not being a girl he could bring home to his family. It's rare but I have many friends that actually had one night stands and now they're married. This is just me trusting someones word when I should've seen the red flags after asking about sex multiple times. I had a gut feeling, but going out and having fun and drinking with him in our group of friends had me put my guard down, mixed in with my raging hormones. 

I didn't sleep with him until the 6th time hanging out, and after he told me he wanted to commit to me. But I agree with some aspects, I should have never agreed to sleep over if I didn't intend on sleeping with him. I just thought you could still show forms of intimacy, (cuddling, kissing, sleeping in each others beds) without going all the way. But most importantly I shouldn't have gotten drunk with him both nights, because things do get mixed up. 

You live and learn. 

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I'm not sure what you're question is, but you obviously fell into his trap where he saw you as a convenient woman whom he didn't have to chase or date.

When you began to ask questions, it was too much work for him, as he liked having no strings sex from you with little effort.  In other words it appeared where you were looking for a relationship, while he viewed it as mission accomplished.

Hopefully you'll take the lesson with you, and move on.

 

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In your hanging with him, did he show interest in you—who you are, how you think, your interests, your goals in life, etc.—with the same verve he showed interest in sleeping with you and decoding your boundaries? Did he seem remotely interested in getting to be known himself? I ask because, from what you’ve shared, it all seems very one dimensional. Nothing against boozy hangs, and I’m hardly a believer that they negate anything serious, but you might want to focus on the kind of attention and interest someone is showing you. 

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OP, I'd assume you're fairly young.
My short answer is - if you need an emotional connection first, then: a) change your approach; b) don't try to establish it with guys that wave so many red flags.

Now to my long answer and, please, bare in mind that I write it with my best intentions...
On point a):
 - Date them first, don't rush it - spend time at neutral public places, get to know each other. Don't start with showers/sleepovers/invitations to your place before you've established basic trust. This isn't even about putting emotional connection before physical connection, this is safety 101. You say you knew the guy but in your first post you wrote he was a new manager at a place you used to work - implies you haven't actually worked together at any point. So which one is it?
But even if you knew him as a coworker, this is another "role" or "side" of him that has nothing to do with a potential partner. So start from scratch.

 - Don't ignore the red flags - you tried to set a boundary and you saw it's being constantly negotiated and pushed. That should tell you it's not the right guy. Plus, don't get yourself in a vulnerable position around people who push your boundaries - i.e. don't get wasted and back to their place, again, safety 101.

- Don't fall for plain words unsupported by actions - he said he was okay waiting for sex, yet he continued asking about it - then he's lying. All the sweet words BS is trying to get it. Also, you want an emotional connection, right - then, how is him saying "okay, let's commit" establishing one? It takes time and getting to know each other, not some lame I-will-say-what-you-want-to-hear sentence.

 - Listen carefully and don't misinterpret words to your liking - "why don't we finish our little suaree (I assume "soirée" here) and decide if we want to be committed" means "let's get to business now and think later".

On point b) - nothing wild or out of the blue in the story actually, it was written all over:
 - As I said - constantly negotiating or pushing your boundaries. Red, run.
 - He spoke with the other guy at work you had sex with about you? ***? Even if the other guy just bragged, why would he bring it up with you? - Shady, disgusting, gossipy, disrespectful.
 - Manipulation - you slept with guy X sooner, why not with me? - Disgusting, red, run.
 - Not saying he has kids - maybe it doesn't matter for a hookup. But it's not a small detail or his business if he wants something serious. - Shady.
 - "He went inside of me without asking" - girl, what? - Run.
 - Did he also penetrated you without a condom, thus the morning after pill? - Run and don't look back. And get an STD test.

You deserve better than that. But also - make safety, health, emotional security priorities in your list when you're getting to know people. Good luck. 

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To answer your question at the bottom of your post, there is no need to discuss anything. Tell him it’s over with a text message and not to contact you. Block or mute the contact, don’t check the messages.

He isn’t interested in dating you.

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10 hours ago, Rose820 said:

 Basically making me feel like some *** or something. 

This was the time to delete and block this man. Sadly too many drinks and hookups later here you are.

He was clearly hustling you, but then again you could have skipped the sleepovers.

Get to your physician or clinic for STD testing and appropriate contraception advice.

Stay sober, use protection and avoid players like this guy. Delete and block him now.

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Posted (edited)

Agree with moving on.  I never said you showed no respect for yourself -exaggerating doesn't remove your learning and insight you should take from this IMO -don't go to a stranger's house and certainly not when you're not sober. 

Watch the feet not the lips - and over time that means watching actions -6 times of hanging out mostly when you weren't sober and/or drunk is not much time at all.  The first time wasn't even a proper date -were there proper dates he planned in advance (or you did) that happened in public, without getting drunk and just getting to know each other sober and fully clothed?

Also limit all the chit chat on texting and insta-relationship stuff -see someone once or twice a week for proper dates so that the 6-8th time you meet them you've known them for over a few months (I always waited longer but this sounds like you crammed in these mostly drunken hangouts in a very short period of time)

Also if you suspect a connection between a new person and one of his friends you had sex with or dated previously better to get that into the open -not with gory details just "oh I know so and so -we briefly dated".  Better for it not to be a surprise.

Edited by Batya33
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11 hours ago, Rose820 said:

It's rare but I have many friends that actually had one night stands and now they're married.

I am not against ONS. Despite my point I am actually very liberal at least for my environment. I also know people who made a relationships or more after ones.

My point is how you are perceived with your actions. Even in "watered down" version of the story you chosed to have a sleep at somebody else place and then go right to his appartment. On top of that you sleped with his friend before. If you were him, what would you think about yourself and your actions? And would you be a girl that he should take respect for? You maybe want something more than a casual fling. But your actions are telling him and any other guy differently. Have some more respect for yourself. Let him take a number, take you to dinner, get to know you. You going straight to his place will only lead to one thing, him perceiving you in the way he did. No ammount of you witholding sex from him after, would change that. He needs to see you as something serious. And he wont do that by you getting drunk with him and going straight to his appartment even before he took you to official date. 

Also, OK, you liked the guy so you skipped some red flag. But from "You wont sleep with me because you would catch feelings" you could see how sleeze he is, what kind of thinkings he has and what he is asking for. So next time dont ignore stuff like that just because you would like to date somebody.

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I actually don't necessarily agree that just because you got drunk and passed out that you deserved to be disrespected and no longer considered worthy of being someone's girlfriend. I think there can be a double standard about how men behave and how women behave. When men show the same types of behaviour, in most cases they aren't judged or thought of as "easy" or "promiscuous". Guys that sleep with many women or have one night stands usually don't get comments like: "Bro, have some self respect, you're acting so easy, no girl will respect you and want to be in a relationship with you". I've also seen many guys get drunk or high on drugs and pass out or act like idiots, but people didn't usually say things like: "Wow this guy is now only good for sex because he did that".

I also think that if someone actually really likes you, they won't judge you if you passed out. They won't see you as just a piece of meat and they'll actually take care of you and want to see you again properly when you're feeling better. Also, as you said, some people sleep together quickly but because they actually like each other, they keep dating and in some cases even marrying.

I think if a guy just wants sex, which this guy clearly did, you won't get any different result from him if you wait longer. Once he gets the sex he'll probably just lose interest. The only way not to get hurt and disappointed is just not to have sex with him and just cut your losses.

Also I think it shouldn't matter that you slept with his friend. That doesn't automatically mean that you owe him sex. Nobody owes anyone sex, a woman to a man, man to a woman, people of same gender to each other, etc. People are also allowed to change their view points on life and relationships at different times and that's up to them. For example, if someone wasn't looking for a relationship and had a one night stand, but later in future decided now they actually want a relationship and don't just want sex. That's fine and their choice and that choice should be respected.

Also the fact that this guy wouldn't even come with you to get the morning after pill after he had unprotected sex with you, pretty terrible in my opinion. I've had these things happen to my girl friends and the guy went with them. Even if he felt nervous or embarrassed to go inside, he could just wait outside or something. I've even had a couple of my female friends hook up with a guy and the condom got stuck inside my friend lol And the guy actually went to the hospital emergency with my friend and stayed for four hours, even though it was just a hookup. It's just being a decent and nice person. 

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This guy was a jerk right from the beginning, so why and try and mold him into a prince charming? That's like painting a turd gold to get gold when it's still a turd. 

You made mistakes, that why you have #$%y results. Men who push for sex, are not interested in being "committed" "exclusively dating" or whatever you want to call it. Didn't your momma say, men will do and say anything to get sex? To add tho, you don't go to a guy's place or sleep in his bed if sex is not on the table, period. So since you have fuzzy boundaries with that of course the guy is going to keep pushing for sex. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I actually don't necessarily agree that just because you got drunk and passed out that you deserved to be disrespected and no longer considered worthy of being someone's girlfriend.

Who in the world wrote that? I said she gave the impression of having little respect for herself by choosing to get drunk and go to a male stranger's apartment and hook up.  Of course she is worthy of being someone's girlfriend.  In this situation she gave the impression that she was up for a drunken fling and had little regard for her own personal safety.  When I hear about a person who chooses to get drunk and go home with a stranger I assume that person takes unnecessary risk and is comfortable with casual hook ups.  That's not a judgment it's an analysis. 

And people judge all the time when choosing someone to date.  I remember going on a first date and he told me he wasn't dating anyone but recently had a casual sex arrangement with a neighbor.  I saw that as a downside to my dating him.  I didn't judge his personal decision to have casual sex.

Edited by Batya33
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If a person promises you a million dollars, it doesn't mean you're gonna get it.  You do understand that, right?  If they were pushy from day 1, it will always be about what they want, and they will say and behave any which way to get it, then once they get it, drop you like a ton of bricks.

I once had a guy who I was hanging out with offer me a trip to Paris to sleep with him.  Should have taken him up on it, because the outcome would have been the same, and I would have gotten a trip out of it.  So I would chalk this up to a learning experience.  Sometimes, it's all about getting into your pants.  So if they push right away, each time, that's what it's all about for them.

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4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

If a person promises you a million dollars, it doesn't mean you're gonna get it.  You do understand that, right?  If they were pushy from day 1, it will always be about what they want, and they will say and behave any which way to get it, then once they get it, drop you like a ton of bricks.

I once had a guy who I was hanging out with offer me a trip to Paris to sleep with him.  Should have taken him up on it, because the outcome would have been the same, and I would have gotten a trip out of it.  So I would chalk this up to a learning experience.  Sometimes, it's all about getting into your pants.  So if they push right away, each time, that's what it's all about for them.

I know of women like that as well who were focused on having sex right away to make sure they liked how the man performed sexually and/or enjoyed having sex so they sought out experiences and places where that was readily available. 

The other take away is there is no need to be involved with pushiness to the point that it triggers a jaded mindset - I used to screen out men who referred too familiarly to sex/sexual activity right after meeting me and did my very best to decline the next date if that was the tone of the first date or first meet. I made a mistake once -I was feeling vulnerable and lonely and didn't pay attention to the flags because he was so handsome and charming and successful.  Ended up being assaulted on the first real date I think it was. Luckily he took my third "no!" as a no and I was not raped.  Woke me up as to how I could let my then desperation lead me to potential danger.

Over the next 9 years I heard of him harassing a number of my friends through online sites. I ran into him 9 years later - I looked basically the same. I told him my full name so there would be no mistake.  Not even a flicker of recognition because he'd done it to so many women I guess.  I got him banned from Eharmony for lying so that felt good (I did not meet him that way).  

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Of course. I’ve had guys offer to fly me to Mexico, take me to France, be their date for a wedding in Costa Rica, all of which I declined because I wouldn’t put myself in that situation. I know men are very sexual human beings, and it’s not a man’s fault that they’re highly sexual. They all want sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I took it as oh well, he’s a guy and he wants sex of course.. but I trusted his words and not his actions. This whole time he told me how much he liked me, I make him feel comfortable, he feels he’s known me for a while, he wants it to be more than a fling.. blah blah. I laughed it off because I know men will say whateverrrrr they can. But when after we spent all those days together, having fun going out drinking with friends mind you.. we weren’t alone… the guard went down and so did my judgement. So most of you are right… and appreciated. But asking me to commit was a shocker for me. I’ve heard it all but that.. no. And of course I believed it at the time because my judgement was off, and it shouldn’t have been. I mean, only took him 24 hours to show the true colors. Then bring up the other guy, and bring up how he had commitment issues… gas light me.. etc.
 

But I’ve also had guys I went out with, if we drank too much he would make sure I was safe because he cared. That’s what you do when you like someone. When you’re out to just get laid, they take it as an advantage and strike… and that’s exactly what he did.  Now talking about this the red flags were 100% there.. most of you are right and now I know for next time 

 

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12 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

Of course. I’ve had guys offer to fly me to Mexico, take me to France, be their date for a wedding in Costa Rica, all of which I declined because I wouldn’t put myself in that situation. I know men are very sexual human beings, and it’s not a man’s fault that they’re highly sexual. They all want sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I took it as oh well, he’s a guy and he wants sex of course.. but I trusted his words and not his actions. This whole time he told me how much he liked me, I make him feel comfortable, he feels he’s known me for a while, he wants it to be more than a fling.. blah blah. I laughed it off because I know men will say whateverrrrr they can. But when after we spent all those days together, having fun going out drinking with friends mind you.. we weren’t alone… the guard went down and so did my judgement. So most of you are right… and appreciated. But asking me to commit was a shocker for me. I’ve heard it all but that.. no. And of course I believed it at the time because my judgement was off, and it shouldn’t have been. I mean, only took him 24 hours to show the true colors. Then bring up the other guy, and bring up how he had commitment issues… gas light me.. etc.
 

But I’ve also had guys I went out with, if we drank too much he would make sure I was safe because he cared. That’s what you do when you like someone. When you’re out to just get laid, they take it as an advantage and strike… and that’s exactly what he did.  Now talking about this the red flags were 100% there.. most of you are right and now I know for next time 

 

Well, I personally don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think this guy is actually a nice guy and also that he didn't actually want a relationship. He just wanted sex. He kept being very pushy to have sex ASAP and just that behaviour alone shows you what he actually wanted.

And he even tried to use other tactics to get it, like saying: "But you slept with my friend, why won't you sleep with ME". That's bs because just because you slept with his friend doesn't mean you immediately owe him sex. As you said, you changed your mind about how you wanted to do dating and decided you want a relationship and not just sex. And you liked this guy and wanted a relationship and to actually have something real with him. And it's not like you said you'd never have sex with him at all but simply said you wanted to wait.

Also you saw how he behaved about the morning after pill situation. He had unprotected sex with you and that could have led to pregnancy, which he contributed to because it takes two people. But he didn't want to support you and go with you to get it and was basically like: "Well you can go by yourself". It's not that hard to come along with you and even just wait in the car or wait outside! So you can see how much he actually "cares" about you and is "committed" to you. This guy basically just fed you all the typical lines someone will say to get sex.

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22 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

Now talking about this the red flags were 100% there.. most of you are right and now I know for next time

Exactly. This guy was a textbook player. Now you'll be able to spot them and cut your losses much sooner.

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39 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

Of course. I’ve had guys offer to fly me to Mexico, take me to France, be their date for a wedding in Costa Rica, all of which I declined because I wouldn’t put myself in that situation. I know men are very sexual human beings, and it’s not a man’s fault that they’re highly sexual. They all want sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I took it as oh well, he’s a guy and he wants sex of course.. but I trusted his words and not his actions. This whole time he told me how much he liked me, I make him feel comfortable, he feels he’s known me for a while, he wants it to be more than a fling.. blah blah. I laughed it off because I know men will say whateverrrrr they can. But when after we spent all those days together, having fun going out drinking with friends mind you.. we weren’t alone… the guard went down and so did my judgement. So most of you are right… and appreciated. But asking me to commit was a shocker for me. I’ve heard it all but that.. no. And of course I believed it at the time because my judgement was off, and it shouldn’t have been. I mean, only took him 24 hours to show the true colors. Then bring up the other guy, and bring up how he had commitment issues… gas light me.. etc.
 

But I’ve also had guys I went out with, if we drank too much he would make sure I was safe because he cared. That’s what you do when you like someone. When you’re out to just get laid, they take it as an advantage and strike… and that’s exactly what he did.  Now talking about this the red flags were 100% there.. most of you are right and now I know for next time 

 

Both men and women can be very sexual. The point is he wasn’t very kind to you at all and treated you horribly. You know the red flags in future so steer clear. Don’t carry a chip over your shoulder either. Let this person go for good and never speak to him again. 

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Posted (edited)
58 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

know men are very sexual human beings, and it’s not a man’s fault that they’re highly sexual. They all want sex and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I hate when men are treated with disrespect in this way, assuming they can't help but engage in casual sex or chase women for sex..  Many people are sexual beings and enjoy sex and it has nothing to do with the choices of behavior- people who choose to have one night stands or casual sex aren't doing that because they are sexual beings and enjoy sex -it's because they are comfortable with expressing their sexuality in a casual sex arrangement or one night stand or whatever. Men and women are human beings who choose to react to their desires-whether sexual or feelings of anger or feelings of wanting to consume lots of ice cream -by making choices as to behavior - 

People who pressure other people for sex or are pushy don't get a pass because of gender or being "sexual" etc and people who justify having casual sex by "I can't help it, I like sex" are in denial or lying - they are having casual sex because they want to express their sexuality in this way and their values justify having sex outside of a committed relationship -which is fine between two consenting and single adults. 

I was very sexual when I was single and liked sex and desired sex etc and I chose not to have one night stands or casual sex.  Men who wanted to have sex right away or have a casual arrangement were not right for me and I was fine if they chose their desire to have casual sex over waiting until I was ready to have sex.  I was not ok with being pressured and certainly not with the lame excuse of "it's because I'm a sexual person."  

Also OP men of character and integrity will not "say anything" just to get sex - that kind of attitude will turn you cynical in general and that's not healthy or a good look and won't let you find and connect with men of character and integrity.  I dated for many years before marriage - 24 - and I was most often treated with respect and like a lady and met many men who also wanted to wait to have sex until we were in love and committed. 

Edited by Batya33
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