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What in the world just happened?


Rose820
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41 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

This guy basically just fed you all the typical lines someone will say to get sex.

To me that doesn't describe a person who is nice or thoughtful or kind.  Certainly it's fine if they both wanted a sexual arrangement -then no lines needed, no pushiness needed.  Obviously the OP went to a stranger's house while drunk and he got the impression she was up for having sex -that's totally reasonable on his end and when she said no he should have reacted with respect not pushiness.

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You did nothing "wrong," but you set up what ended up happening right at the second section of your OP: 

23 hours ago, Rose820 said:

We hit it off, would up getting drunk and I went back to his place for a shower and passed out.

If you need to establish an emotional connection before being "intimate" this would also include intimate situations that do not necessarily involve PIV sex.  

Going to a guys house, drunk, showering and sleeping there at your first meeting is pretty much putting the cart before the horse.

You soon proceeded (I believe this was on your first real date) to plan a "sleepover" where you were not going to have sex.  That would be another "no" if you are seriously looking for an emotional connection before sex.

A lot of serious drinking (5 Margaritas is ... a lot) doesn't help.

You explained your boundaries but your behavior gave him plenty of room to think that there might be a chance he could get into your pants.  Yes, "no means no."  And he did not assault you or anything.  I don't really blame him for continuing to try to see if he could get what he wanted.

Let this one go, it's not heading anywhere you want to be. 

 

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I personally think it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting to continue to lie and throw around all sorts of words to see if that’ll be the key to unlock a girls panties. When you mean NONE of it. It’s hurtful and not right to do anyone. Especially when you take it back 24 hours later after you got it. 
 

You can still be intimate, without going all the way and having sex. I’ve had guys agree to coming over and sleeping at my house, I told them I wasn’t ready and they respected it. Never tried. We just laid there, cuddled, talked, kissed. It’s about spending time with that person, and if you want to carry out the rest of the day with them, put your pjs on and go to sleep together… what’s wrong with it. Obviously that’s not the way people think these days about sleepovers.  But just because I say I want to spend the night with you doesn’t mean you’re getting any.. because I simply didn’t owe him anything. Same thing with going back to his place the first time, was it an ideal first encounter? Probably not. I just wanted to continue to spend time with him…. So I did. And I was well aware. I wasn’t slurring my words all a mess and didn’t know where I was. I just wanted to spend more time with him. 
 

And sure everyone can express their sexual side how they choose, when they choose, and how they choose. But straight out lying to someone’s face about how much you like them (for days), how comfortable you feel around them, how you *trust them* how they calm you down, and how you want to be committed to them just to get in their pants……is just pure evil and soulless . So yeah, I do blame him. 

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1 hour ago, Rose820 said:

I personally think it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting to continue to lie and throw around all sorts of words to see if that’ll be the key to unlock a girls panties. When you mean NONE of it. It’s hurtful and not right to do anyone. Especially when you take it back 24 hours later after you got it. 
 

You can still be intimate, without going all the way and having sex. I’ve had guys agree to coming over and sleeping at my house, I told them I wasn’t ready and they respected it. Never tried. We just laid there, cuddled, talked, kissed. It’s about spending time with that person, and if you want to carry out the rest of the day with them, put your pjs on and go to sleep together… what’s wrong with it. Obviously that’s not the way people think these days about sleepovers.  But just because I say I want to spend the night with you doesn’t mean you’re getting any.. because I simply didn’t owe him anything. Same thing with going back to his place the first time, was it an ideal first encounter? Probably not. I just wanted to continue to spend time with him…. So I did. And I was well aware. I wasn’t slurring my words all a mess and didn’t know where I was. I just wanted to spend more time with him. 
 

And sure everyone can express their sexual side how they choose, when they choose, and how they choose. But straight out lying to someone’s face about how much you like them (for days), how comfortable you feel around them, how you *trust them* how they calm you down, and how you want to be committed to them just to get in their pants……is just pure evil and soulless . So yeah, I do blame him. 

Well I agree with you that what the main problem was, was the lies and dishonesty. Personally I actually don't judge anyone if they just want a hook up but what I do have a problem with is that person acting pushy and entitled and also lying to get sex.

I have an example of this where I was using a dating app and it wasn't even an app known to be for hookup (not Tinder) or anything like that. It was just a normal dating app and I just had normal clothed photos there, not like bikini or lingerie shots or anything. In my profile I ticked off that I'm looking for a relationship. I was talking to this guy and just chatting about random things.

He asked me what am I up to and I said I was house sitting my parent's place and taking care of the dog because my parents go away a lot. We hadn't talked much and the guy straight away was like: "Oh do you need me to come over and keep you company?" I was like: "No, I can't just invite a stranger over to my parents' house when I'm responsible for their place and I don't invite people I don't know to my place. And the guy was like: "Oh but I love dogs, I can come over to meet the dog". And I was like: "No, I wouldn't invite someone I never met to my place, I would only meet in a bar or restaurant for a drink or something to eat". And the guy was like: "Oh but I just checked some bars in the area and they're all booked out. So if you want to meet and have a drink we can just drink at your place."

So I said again no and that I definitely won't meet unless at a bar or some other place. And the guy literally immediately was like: "Oh hey I actually just checked and this one bar is available and it's in the suburb you said your parents live". So clearly he just lied that all bars were booked out, he never even checked. So then he apparently booked that bar for us to go for the next day. But I messaged him and said I won't be coming because it was really clear he just wanted immediate hookup and I didn't want that. He just ignored my message.

If that guy just said: "Hey I'm just looking for some casual fun, are you up for that tonight?" I would have said no but I wouldn't have judged him just because he only wanted sex. The fact that I said no many times and he continued to push and also lie and try all sorts of things to get sex was really lame.

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4 hours ago, Rose820 said:

straight out lying to someone’s face about how much you like them (for days),

This is part of your problem. 

Days aren't enough to assess someone's true intentions. You need a lot longer than that, and cannot (and should not) assume that what someone tells you over the course of some days is a reliable indicaiton of what is to come. 

Was he a stand-up guy? No. But were there signs that he was not being sincere, and not good dating material? Yes, quite a few.  

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5 hours ago, Rose820 said:

 

You can still be intimate, without going all the way and having sex. I’ve had guys agree to coming over and sleeping at my house, I told them I wasn’t ready and they respected it. Never tried. We just laid there, cuddled, talked, kissed. It’s about spending time with that person, and if you want to carry out the rest of the day with them, put your pjs on and go to sleep together… what’s wrong with it.Obviously that’s not the way people think these days about sleepovers.  But just because I say I want to spend the night with you doesn’t mean you’re getting any.. because I simply didn’t owe him anything. Same thing with going back to his place the first time, was it an ideal first encounter? Probably not. I just wanted to continue to spend time with him…. So I did. And I was well aware. I wasn’t slurring my words all a mess and didn’t know where I was. I just wanted to spend more time with him. 

 

I have to laugh at "Obviously that’s not the way people think these days about sleepovers."   Girl, if people are sexually attracted to each other and they are having a sleepover, it means and has always meant ONE thing:  sex is a distinct possibility.  In the past, this was almost unheard of.  Any girl that was going to sleep with a guy was a fair bet to be DTF regardless of what words came out of her mouth.

No one is saying you're doing anything "wrong." But what you actually are doing is every BEHAVIOR (get trashed and go home with a guy, take a shower at his house, plan a "sleepover") that we believe signals a high potential for sex.  Which is not a bad thing!  But, evidently, not what you want.  So, if you really want to have an emotional connection before actually having sex, you'll be doing yourself a favor by stopping all that stuff when you meet a new guy who interests you.   You're creating a sexual atmosphere.  It almost sounds like game playing.  

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Rose820 said:

I personally think it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting to continue to lie and throw around all sorts of words to see if that’ll be the key to unlock a girls panties. When you mean NONE of it. It’s hurtful and not right to do anyone. Especially when you take it back 24 hours later after you got it. 
 

You can still be intimate, without going all the way and having sex. I’ve had guys agree to coming over and sleeping at my house, I told them I wasn’t ready and they respected it. Never tried. We just laid there, cuddled, talked, kissed. It’s about spending time with that person, and if you want to carry out the rest of the day with them, put your pjs on and go to sleep together… what’s wrong with it. Obviously that’s not the way people think these days about sleepovers.  But just because I say I want to spend the night with you doesn’t mean you’re getting any.. because I simply didn’t owe him anything. Same thing with going back to his place the first time, was it an ideal first encounter? Probably not. I just wanted to continue to spend time with him…. So I did. And I was well aware. I wasn’t slurring my words all a mess and didn’t know where I was. I just wanted to spend more time with him. 
 

And sure everyone can express their sexual side how they choose, when they choose, and how they choose. But straight out lying to someone’s face about how much you like them (for days), how comfortable you feel around them, how you *trust them* how they calm you down, and how you want to be committed to them just to get in their pants……is just pure evil and soulless . So yeah, I do blame him. 

You’re hurt so it seems like you’re angry. It’s good to feel that and let it out (don’t keep it in). Yet you will feel better in the long run putting it to use. Don’t get so upset with this person that it prevent you from living or moving on. You mentioned your friend lives in his complex. Make a clean cut and don’t look out for him if you’re visiting her, for ie. 

Truly, move on. I’m not one for revenge or forgiveness or hokey and excessively trite concepts but redirect your thoughts to more productive ones and let this anger phase fade. If you must have revenge, know the best form of revenge is living your life well.

My hunch is that he pigeonholed you as a type of woman/person and stereotyped you early on upon finding out that you slept with a friend of his from work prior to knowing him. He felt uncomfortable and all respect went out the window for you. 

You can’t change the past so only learn from it. Keep your dating life separate outside of work. You may argue that all these are your “right” (and it is) yet you’ll have to deal with the perceptions and impressions that others have about you. It’s often not worth it mixing work and personal. 

He behaved rudely to you and disrespected you anyway. Be more careful and cautious who you date/see and take more time getting to know someone.

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6 hours ago, Rose820 said:

. It’s disgusting to continue to lie and throw around all sorts of words to see if that’ll be the key to unlock a girls panties. 

Players are like used car salesmen. Whatever works. Buyer beware.

Lucky in this case you're not stuck with a lemon. You walked away.

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9 hours ago, Rose820 said:

You can still be intimate, without going all the way and having sex. I’ve had guys agree to coming over and sleeping at my house, I told them I wasn’t ready and they respected it. Never tried. We just laid there, cuddled, talked, kissed. It’s about spending time with that person, and if you want to carry out the rest of the day with them, put your pjs on and go to sleep together… what’s wrong with it.

I did that many times.  With these conditions.  We were sober.  We planned it as part of our date in advance.  I said simply and directly when we planned the date "I'd love to spend the night and I am not ready to have sex yet."  In 99.9% of the situations that was totally fine and comfortable and in many of those situations he would not have been ready either because of our similar values and goals. Yes-I've had hook ups with no sex and slept over last minute and it was fine.  Risky but fine.  No leading on etc (yes once in awhile he'd ask if I was sure, etc but it was totally fine). 

You were drunk and this was a stranger- not someone you were dating -not a good first impression given what you say you want.  And the next time you were also drunk and it was just a hang out not a proper date so I'd tweak how you do things next time -not because you deserve assault or harassment because it's inconsistent with what you say you want.

I originally met my husband at work.  We dated and were seriously dating for the 6 months we worked at the same company but not together -huge company.  We were discreet although everyone knew as these things go and this was pre-cell phone and internet.  Properly dating people you meet at work but don't work directly with should not be an issue -that's not the same as meeting people at work and hooking up with them/having sex -I'd avoid that for the reasons Rose said.

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On 7/6/2022 at 6:59 PM, Rose820 said:

I'm debating if I should have a talk with him, or tell him to leave my things at the front desk and avoid it.

I think you should have taken your things with you when you left. There's no point in talking to him. He hasn't listened to you from day one. Every time you told him you wanted to go slow, he ignored you and pushed forward. That was the red flag right there. You thought it was because he was smitten--that's what he told you. But the truth is, he didn't respect you. That sudden change in him is just his true colors. He hid them while he was working you over. 

The only thing you could have done to avoid this is run away like your hair was on fire. Someone like him has no self respect. They will just say whatever it takes, as long as it takes, to get what they want. And when they get it, they're done. They're takers. They're empty inside. They have nothing to give. 

Honestly, I would just leave my stuff there and call it a loss. Do better next time.

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I'm sorry this happened. unfortunately, it's not uncommon for men and women to say whatever to get what they want. 

But a couple of things to think about for next time. 

Being committed to someone is not just the words "we're in a relationship". It's actions.

You should not have to explain you want to wait to be intimate more than once.  If you do, they are not respecting your boundaries and you should see this as a deal breaker and stop seeing, talking, being with this person.

Your actions didn't always match your words.  They use to call what you did 'being a tease'. you're being intimate up to a line, but then saying you're not.  This makes your words not match your actions either. So there's some ownership of this on your end, too.

You can't have it both ways. 

You also ignored other red flags. And all those things he was saying to you about your past with another guy. yikes! you should never allow someone to treat you this way.  Just because you enjoyed a one night stand or whatever doesn't mean you owe every guy one. 

The fact that he talks this way and uses it to manipulate or put you down shows what he's about. He probably  doesn't view women as equal to men, at least in the "it's ok for women to enjoy sex" way. sounds like he is more the women are either *** or virgins, not complex humans with a range of feelings etc.

You probably need to look at your lifestyle- drinking, sleeping and showering at a strange guy's place, getting involved sexually/romantically with guys in the same group, jumping into things without really knowing the person, but then making excuses, are all dangerous acts that lead to not only heart break but low self esteem and more poor decisions. 

I know when I was young I made mistakes, too. It was always kind of said that as the girl you gotta get the guy to commit, to treat you right etc. but that's wrong.

You don't have to get anyone to do anything. what you do want to do is find the guy that willingly and openly gives you these things and enjoys being good to you.  

If they're not, then get away from them. 

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On 7/6/2022 at 6:59 PM, Rose820 said:

He said he is willing to wait and he wanted me to know that he wasn't all about sex

Also for future reference, when some guy actually tells you this, you can assume the opposite is true.  If it were actually true, he wouldn't have to say it, he'd show it with his actions.

Same thing with any guy saying "I'm a gentleman."  (I don't think this guy claimed this, I'm just talking in general).  Anyone who's a gentleman won't have to tell you he is, he'll just BE one.

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2 hours ago, waffle said:

Also for future reference, when some guy actually tells you this, you can assume the opposite is true.  If it were actually true, he wouldn't have to say it, he'd show it with his actions.

Same thing with any guy saying "I'm a gentleman."  (I don't think this guy claimed this, I'm just talking in general).  Anyone who's a gentleman won't have to tell you he is, he'll just BE one.

OP when my husband and I were getting to know each other again after years apart we had 3 platonic dates.  I knew him very well so I went back to his place after each time we got together.  Platonic.  We decided to get back together the third time we got together and kissed.  We saw each other a few weeks later when he was back in town.  He came to my place.  He gave me a bday present -a gorgeous heart necklace.  I asked him to put it on me.  He did. I assumed he'd go for a kiss.  He didn't. 

Later we were all over each other lol. I asked him why he hadn't kissed me then.  He said "because I didn't want you to have the impression that I'd offered to put the necklace on so I could kiss you." That is what a caring person does - a person who considers the impression he wants to make or she wants to make. A person who puts his desires behind the desire to show thoughtfulness and kindness.  Marriage and parenting is so much of that - not being a doormat or a martyr but making constant choices not to act on impulse and impulses are not just sexual.  Of course.

  I'm an impatient person compared to my husband so I have to have many different ways -including preventative ways -of not acting on my irritation, frustration, crankiness even anger.  Just like a person who realllly wants to rip off the clothes of the person they just or recently met makes a choice -maybe the choice is to stay sober, or if not sober to tell the person it's time to call it a night or find a way to keep a good space away whatever. 

Please don't do the male bashing thing where you decide all men are animals who act on sexual desires and can't help themselves and will always have sex if they're horny and it's offered or available or just requires a bit of coaxing.  It is not true and it's unfair to generalize like that about men. 

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On 7/6/2022 at 6:59 PM, Rose820 said:

what MAN asks to be committed if they don't mean it? 

A manipulator who keeps pushing for sex from Day 1, then learns just enough about you to figure out that all he needs to do to get sex is to pretend that he wants a long term relationship.

That's why it's on each of us to screen out pushy people early. Anyone who is not willing to take the t.i.m.e. to get to know one another and cultivate a sincere investment is NOT relationship material.

I'd avoid overnighting in a man's bed unless and until you're ready to get sexual.

Advice from Grandma: the problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're so blinded by hope that you're willing to pick up the snake and play with it.

Head high, we all learn by living.

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I think the good news is that there are still nice men out there who do want a relationship. I've had plenty of guys who just wanted sex but I've also had many guys who wanted a relationship and something serious. I think it's important to watch out for how a man is acting from the start.

For example, I went on a date with one guy, this was a very long time ago when I was about 19 - 20. Now I'm 37. We went out for dinner and he said he'll pay and paid. The dinner wasn't anything fancy, just a casual place to eat. Then we got in the car to drive from the restaurant and he began to grope me sexually and lifting up my skirt truing to get in my underwear. I said I don't want him to touch me and he was like: "But I paid for your dinner". WHAT??! I said I don't want to do anything sexual and then I never heard from him again.

So yeah you're going to get guys like this but it's not every guy. I think yeah definitely don't see this guy again, get rid of him. Look for other guys and say to them you just want to go out for dinner, a movie, bowling, whatever. Just have a few dates doing something fun and see how they're acting. If they're enjoying your company and don't say anything sexual or to go to their place, great. But if they begin pushing for sex then just stop seeing them. Don't continue with them hoping that if you say you don't want sex that somehow they'll be different and will want a relationship instead. Obviously those guys would be looking for sex so it's best just to end with them.

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Oh hun, you shouldn't be drinking with weasels like this guy. They will take advantage of you because they know you aren't thinking straight when drinking.

If a guy keeps pushing for sex and you've said no to them plenty of times, kick yourself next time to tell yourself "hey this isn't a good guy."

 

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