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Is my boyfriend addicted to porn? Should I be worried?


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9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think it’s admirable that you’re thinking about the relationship critically. Most people enter relationships and get caught with feelings and proceed regardless of the dynamics being very skewed and unbalanced. 

I’d be very concerned if he and you aren’t able to see eye to eye on finances and your contributions currently or if you feel shy or too self-conscious to bring up this issue. It does seem that you’re both not ready to move in or spend this much time together on a regular basis. Be clearer about your expectations. Also, it’s horribly hard to get someone out once they move in. Be wary in general letting this man into your home permanently with these issues going on. 

Thank you. Yes it is concerning, and I have tried to bring it up a few times in a gentle way as to not make him feel attacked or like I am trying to force him to do things he does want to do. I voiced to him that I would like that I have been sad because I feel that he does not want to take the next steps in our relationship and he said that he noticed and can tell I am upset. He then said that all of these “things” I consider moving forward in our relationship would happen after marriage in his mind. I said okay why haven’t you asked me to marry you yet? He says he is apprehensive because he’s never been in a relationship this long and a friend of his just got married and divorced a year later. I didn’t want to keep pressing this issue because I didn’t want to put pressure or force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But in my mind I’m thinking what kind of bs excuse is that? And after we are married then I can learn of his porn habits? What if he has terrible credit and owes a bunch of money? I feel that these are things we should know each other before getting married. What I did say was something along the lines of if you are afraid to lose me then wouldn’t you want to marry me? He said he has been waiting for the “2year” mark and that it’s really expensive to get married and he isn’t prepared financially yet.

You’re right, if I ask him to not stay here anymore it would probably end the relationship or damage it to point we wouldn’t be able to come back from it. At the same time if I do tell him I don’t want him to stay here anymore and the reason why then I’m basically giving him an ultimatum to either actually live here with me as a partner or leave which I feel would be forcing him. At this point I guess I am realizing words are only words, his actions show how he truly feels and it’s apparent that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to move our relationship forward. I am resentful about this and it reflects on my everyday life and he knows it and does nothing about it. This is a sad situation for me and unless he magically decided to step up I don’t think anything will change. I guess my only solution is to tell him how I feel again, but maybe unfiltered. It might just cause a fight or scare him away and if it does then I guess my decision will be made for me.

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3 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

He says he is apprehensive because he’s never been in a relationship this long and a friend of his just got married and divorced a year later. I didn’t want to keep pressing this issue because I didn’t want to put pressure or force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But in my mind I’m thinking what kind of bs excuse is that?

Because my friend got divorced in a year is a total, BS excuse. I agree.

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

You’re right, if I ask him to not stay here anymore it would probably end the relationship or damage it to point we wouldn’t be able to come back from it.

Don't be afraid to make the changes you need. It's better than wasting more months and years being strung along with excuses and secrecy.

Stand up for yourself. Don't talk at him yet again. Hot air does not change things. he already Knows how you feel. Simply tell him he can't stay over. After all this freeloading, what happens? You're older, angrier, more unhappy and bitter.

A man who loves you would not be solely interested in a free BnB and do nothing to blend lives with you. Consider sparing your self respect and not growing resentful to the point where this implodes.

Edited by Wiseman2
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8 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

And after we are married then I can learn of his porn habits? What if he has terrible credit and owes a bunch of money? I feel that these are things we should know each other before getting married.

These are things that wouldn't even enter a person's mind who is in a healthy relationship.

You've deduced all these things because of him and his behavior.

Why you would even want him to step up to the plate now and ask your hand in marriage is mind-blowing. Magic genies don't exist to transform parasites into ideal partners.  

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11 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

Thank you. Yes it is concerning, and I have tried to bring it up a few times in a gentle way as to not make him feel attacked or like I am trying to force him to do things he does want to do. I voiced to him that I would like that I have been sad because I feel that he does not want to take the next steps in our relationship and he said that he noticed and can tell I am upset. He then said that all of these “things” I consider moving forward in our relationship would happen after marriage in his mind. I said okay why haven’t you asked me to marry you yet? He says he is apprehensive because he’s never been in a relationship this long and a friend of his just got married and divorced a year later. I didn’t want to keep pressing this issue because I didn’t want to put pressure or force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But in my mind I’m thinking what kind of bs excuse is that? And after we are married then I can learn of his porn habits? What if he has terrible credit and owes a bunch of money? I feel that these are things we should know each other before getting married. What I did say was something along the lines of if you are afraid to lose me then wouldn’t you want to marry me? He said he has been waiting for the “2year” mark and that it’s really expensive to get married and he isn’t prepared financially yet.

You’re right, if I ask him to not stay here anymore it would probably end the relationship or damage it to point we wouldn’t be able to come back from it. At the same time if I do tell him I don’t want him to stay here anymore and the reason why then I’m basically giving him an ultimatum to either actually live here with me as a partner or leave which I feel would be forcing him. At this point I guess I am realizing words are only words, his actions show how he truly feels and it’s apparent that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to move our relationship forward. I am resentful about this and it reflects on my everyday life and he knows it and does nothing about it. This is a sad situation for me and unless he magically decided to step up I don’t think anything will change. I guess my only solution is to tell him how I feel again, but maybe unfiltered. It might just cause a fight or scare him away and if it does then I guess my decision will be made for me.

He has already told you how he feels. I think mentioning how you feel again is forcing the issue and this might escalate to a fight or disagreement.

He doesn’t want to marry you right now and is worried about his finances apparently, or so he says. You have to respect what he’s saying as well and step back. 

Whether you think what he says is complete crock is for your private thoughts. You do seem resentful and upset but it seems also both of you have stopped respecting one another.

He lives at your place without proper contributions knowing that you do not see eye to eye on your future and you, on the other hand, want him to be something he simply is not. He is not the financially supportive type, he is not a husband or a fiancé, he is so far off what you seek in a partner or doesn’t even have the potential for any of these roles due to his limited capacity or unwillingness.

At what point do you both start listening to what the other is saying and agree to disagree and part ways?

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This is obviously something you’re not comfortable with or find acceptable. It sounds like it will likely be an uphill battle getting him to change, but at the end of the day, why would you want to be with someone that you want to change? You deserve better. 

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Edna,

 Many times on this forum someone posts a thread about an issue in their lives and as the thread goes on the onion is peeled back and the real issues are exposed.

 This isn't about porn, this isn't about his mom or dog dying.

This is about a guy that has one foot out the door at all times after 2 years.  "I love you" "I want to marry you" I want to have children" "I want a life with you" These are all just words but his actions clearly say something else.

 You are right to feel like the relationship is stuck in neutral because it is. I don't see anything bonding you two together really after nearly two years.

  Everything he has told you are just excuses not to move forward in the relationship.  He can visit his father anytime he wishes and still live with you. The loss of his mother and dog didn't stop him from getting into a relationship with you so why are they stopping him from moving forward in the relationship?

 I agree with Wiseman, you are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, providing a place to visit, have sex, hang out and then bail with no ties to it at all. 

 I am sorry but you are at best a part time girlfriend and he is unwilling to make you more than that in his life.

  I suggest this not to punish him or scare him into action but to allow you to clear your head and see things clearly without the fog of love obscuring your vision.

 I think you should let him know you would like several days to think about your life and how he fits into it so you can decide how YOU want to move forward.  This means no contact at all so you can spend a few days 4-6 to clear all the excuses and justifications from your mind and see this as clearly as possible.  You should suggest he does the same thing and then you both can sit down and talk about what each of you want for your futures.  Let him go first and see if it matches what you want.

   You are so close to this right now and your heart wants what it wants so you are ignoring a lot of red flags.  Don't feel bad it happens to all of us.

  Don't let anyone shame you for wanting more, don't let anyone make you question why you want to live with your bf and never apologize for wanting a life where you wake up next to the man you love each and everyday.

 Lost

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On 7/7/2022 at 10:35 AM, lostandhurt said:

Edna,

 Many times on this forum someone posts a thread about an issue in their lives and as the thread goes on the onion is peeled back and the real issues are exposed.

 This isn't about porn, this isn't about his mom or dog dying.

This is about a guy that has one foot out the door at all times after 2 years.  "I love you" "I want to marry you" I want to have children" "I want a life with you" These are all just words but his actions clearly say something else.

 You are right to feel like the relationship is stuck in neutral because it is. I don't see anything bonding you two together really after nearly two years.

  Everything he has told you are just excuses not to move forward in the relationship.  He can visit his father anytime he wishes and still live with you. The loss of his mother and dog didn't stop him from getting into a relationship with you so why are they stopping him from moving forward in the relationship?

 I agree with Wiseman, you are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, providing a place to visit, have sex, hang out and then bail with no ties to it at all. 

 I am sorry but you are at best a part time girlfriend and he is unwilling to make you more than that in his life.

  I suggest this not to punish him or scare him into action but to allow you to clear your head and see things clearly without the fog of love obscuring your vision.

 I think you should let him know you would like several days to think about your life and how he fits into it so you can decide how YOU want to move forward.  This means no contact at all so you can spend a few days 4-6 to clear all the excuses and justifications from your mind and see this as clearly as possible.  You should suggest he does the same thing and then you both can sit down and talk about what each of you want for your futures.  Let him go first and see if it matches what you want.

   You are so close to this right now and your heart wants what it wants so you are ignoring a lot of red flags.  Don't feel bad it happens to all of us.

  Don't let anyone shame you for wanting more, don't let anyone make you question why you want to live with your bf and never apologize for wanting a life where you wake up next to the man you love each and everyday.

 Lost

Thank you, Lost. I agree with your suggestion and pretty much everything you said. I do need to decide how I want to move forward and that is a big struggle for me. It’s hard not to be upset with him each and every day that’s gone by. And it really is not a happy way to live. I was feeling desperate last weekend and I directly asked him to stay here in the mornings, which might have been out of emotion but he has been staying here in the mornings. he still goes to his dads after work and showers there then comes here.  I have since had another talk with him about how I feel about the relationship and moving forward. I expressed that I am sad that he always has one foot out the door. I told him the things that I want and thought we would already have in our relationship (which is what I’ve mostly already explained here) and asked him what he wants and thinks. He said he does want these things with me but to just “given him a little more time”. To me more time feels like just becoming more distant, and me growing more resentful because of it. I so badly want to say to him if you want this then man up and be part of it but I know that is insensitive and shouldn’t be said. This is really great advice, I do need to spend a few days apart and really figure out what I want for myself and my life, and what I deserve. I can’t thank you enough for your help and support ❤️

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On 6/29/2022 at 6:55 AM, EdnaMarie35 said:

He is 32 and I am 27. He gradually started staying at my house since we have been dating and stays here every night but hasn’t officially “moved in”.

Good idea to step back and start taking care of yourself. At 32 and after 2 years dating, it's still in the same place except worse. He doesn't need "more time". That's just more string along talk. Hopefully you'll stop the sleepovers.

If you want marriage and family, don't waste any more time on this man.

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If you knew he  was never going to marry you would you stay or go.  How long would you stay.  You figure out what your "more time" date is and on that date you are ready to move on.  He hasn't told you what "little more time" means and he's staying in the mornings -because you asked him - so it's still stalling.  If he'd said "I need until the end of the summer -labor day weekend -so I can [insert concrete actions] and then I want us to [insert concrete plan for the two of you] -that would be different.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you knew he  was never going to marry you would you stay or go.  How long would you stay.  You figure out what your "more time" date is and on that date you are ready to move on.  He hasn't told you what "little more time" means and he's staying in the mornings -because you asked him - so it's still stalling.  If he'd said "I need until the end of the summer -labor day weekend -so I can [insert concrete actions] and then I want us to [insert concrete plan for the two of you] -that would be different.

You’re right, he did just leave it ambiguous like he has before. That is a great idea, I am going to set a time limit for myself what I feel is appropriate to “wait” and from there if I feel I deserve more than I am getting I will consider letting this relationship go as it has proved to be going not where I want to be. I can’t thank you and everyone enough for the advice, reassurance, and confidence to figure this all out for myself. I really felt like I was going crazy two weeks ago and finding this forum has really helped me sort things out in my head as best I can. Thank you 🙏 

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11 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I was feeling desperate last weekend and I directly asked him to stay here in the mornings,

Think about this statement long and hard.

You are basically begging him to want to be with you.  Is this the relationship you dreamed of?  Is this how you think a healthy relationship looks and feels?

  I know you have been together a long time but that is just a small piece of this puzzle.  Right now hope is keeping this thing going.  You hope he will want to live with you, you hope he wants what you want, you hope and hope but that is just wishful thinking at this point isn't it?  When we first meet we do a lot of hoping don't we? I hope she likes me, I hope we have similar interests, I hope he is a good kisser and on and on but once the relationship is established it cannot be hope any longer, it needs to be two people coming together and turning hopes and dreams into reality. Do you see any of that happening here because from what you wrote I don't.

 Take some time to yourself and stop trying to convince him of anything because that would never be true and real as it needs to be voluntary on his part.

 You are at a big crossroads in your life but please don't just stay the course because you have invested so much time on this guy. If you decide to continue it needs to be with eyes wide open, no more hoping and with a clear idea what you want and when you want it and what he wants and when he wants it.

Words are just words until acted upon.

 Take good care of yourself, stay close to family and friends and keep posting.

 Lost

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1 hour ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

You’re right, he did just leave it ambiguous like he has before. That is a great idea, I am going to set a time limit for myself what I feel is appropriate to “wait” and from there if I feel I deserve more than I am getting I will consider letting this relationship go as it has proved to be going not where I want to be. I can’t thank you and everyone enough for the advice, reassurance, and confidence to figure this all out for myself. I really felt like I was going crazy two weeks ago and finding this forum has really helped me sort things out in my head as best I can. Thank you 🙏 

So maybe it’s minor to you but to me it’s not about “deserve more than you’re getting “. It’s whether you’re ok with the likelihood of things staying exactly this way commitment wise.  If he was never going to marry you how long would you stay ? You don’t “deserve” more you simply are with someone who doesn’t want the same things you do. So you leave to open opportunities to get what you do want.
You’re not “getting “ or “not getting “ anything- when you meet the right person neither of you will think of it that way. Rather you’ll simply want the same things with each other and be on the same wavelength.  

your partner doesn’t owe you marriage or more of a commitment unless you have a specific wedding date and are officially engaged - then he owes you an explanation if he delays or cancels a wedding I would say. You’ve tolerated the status quo for a very long time so apparently you didn’t feel you deserved a different kind of commitment or if you did you were unwilling to act on that feeling. 

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How about in the meantime while you're giving him his "time," that you ask him for his portion of the bills you want him to contribute? Tell him this is something you need to know, if he is capable of contributing his fair share, before deciding to move forward.

Not that I'd even give someone like this a chance, since he's never had the decency to offer you anything. That alone shows his selfish mindset.

Financial stability, contributing a fair share, should be a must-have for any person with a healthy self-esteem. If he can't, maybe it's because he has a secret child he's paying custody for. Maybe he spends everything on porn. Maybe he's blown everything frivolously and is in deep with credit cards. Maybe he needs a better paying job. But the reason is irrelevant, really. 

Ask, and the feedback you receive from him stepping up to the plate in this area, or giving excuses why he can't, will be important info for you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

The long awaited update:

 

yesterday I found out I have Covid, my boyfriend was already at work and I told him that he should come home to my house and not go by his dads after work and expose him to Covid (his dad is 67). He says “we will see how it goes”, I wasn’t going to argue with him while he’s at work so I get off the phone and a few hours later text him and tell him that he should really consider the risks of going to his dads house and I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He sends back a trump meme with a hand movement of “whatever” implying it’s not a big deal. I am now immediately alarmed, what is so important at his dads house that he is willing to risk his dads well being? I then said to please call me right when you get off work. I wanted to further convince him not to see his dad when he could have Covid. He doesn’t call, it’s almost 6pm so I text him “everything okay?” He text back yes he is on his way home now to his dads and just gonna grab clothes and head home to my house. I call him right away. I am upset he is going to go expose his dad, I asked him to call me so why didn’t he? I said to him clearly there is something extremely important to you that you need to go there everyday and im super sketched out, and I think he should come here and talk about this. He was angry.

He gets here, I ask again what is so important at your dads house? Why can’t I just wash your clothes you have with you? Do you really plan on going to work?

He says-I was just going to run in real quick 

I say something is being hidden there’s a reason, I have a gut feeling and I want us to just be open and honest so that I can understand.

He claims 3 times there’s nothing being hidden and I am just trying to pick out flaws.

I persist that I know in my gut that there is a reason and somethings being hidden from me.

He finally says he has attachment issues with his dad, he doesn’t want to up and leave him.

I ask so you think your sister up and left him?

He says yeah pretty much.

I ask does your dad expect you to live with him forever? He doesn’t expect you to move out, get married and start a life and family of your own?

He says yeah he would probably love it if I lived with him forever 

I said well what do you want?

He says he wants to get married and have a family and admits he is afraid of the commitment, especially since he can tell there is a distance between us and he thinks I don’t like him anymore. 

I admit I am resentful and it probably does show. 

I explain the reasons I am resentful, circling back to the lack of willingness to commit to our relationship and the sketchy living here not living here situation. I finally say okay I am going to be honest with what I think is happening. I think you watch porn excessively and  that is why you are going to your dads house everyday. I think you are embarrassed of it and don’t want to admit to me that is what’s going on. 

He immediately denies and says that 2 months ago when I voiced to him how it hurt me that he was watching porn everytime I left the house, that he hasn’t watched it since. 

I say I don’t believe you.

He says it’s the truth, looks me in my eyes. 

I said do you swear that’s the truth?

Again looking me in my eyes says I swear that’s the truth. 

I said okay can I see your phone?

He hands it to me willingly. 

I search the history and begin to see porn sites 4-5 days out of the week for the past month. I say outloud to him a list of porn that he watched and then said oh yeah that was even on my birthday. Oh and look the next day you got off work, went to your dads and watched theses porn videos and then came over my house to have company over and have sex with me later that day.

I say to him, how could you look me in my face and lie just now? I gave every opportunity.

He is speechless for a while.

He claimed he would have never told me about it and didn’t think that spouses should discuss that. Also tried the “all guys watch it” but I shut that down with the no, not everyday, it’s clearly a problem don’t you think so? He says no.

I say how it hurts me, and how does he jack off in secrecy and still have sex with me the same day? Isnt it difficult to cum twice with only a few hours between? Is this why you havent been “as hard” as you used to be? 

He claims he doesn’t jack off everytime he watches it. 

I say that it is even more hurtful, because it isn’t some sort of release or stress relief then. Does he have fantasies I cannot fulfil? Why does he feel the need to watch pornography he isn’t masturbating?

He claims he has watched it this way since he was 13.

I said it seems like a deep rooted addiction and I think he needs help.

He says no it’s not a big deal and he will just stop.

I asked him why he would not come clean to me when I just asked him? And then again when I directly asked about the porn he lied straight to my face, how can you so easily and willingly lie to me?

He doesn’t really have a response.

I ask him if he claims he’s spending quality time with his dad when he does there, where is his dad while he’s watching the porn? Does he watch it while he’s sitting right next to him having a conversation? It doesn’t make sense.

he says no, he would watch it in his bedroom. So I say then when are you spending anytime with your dad like you claim you are? It’s not adding up. But he swears up and down the reason of going to his dads everyday is not to watch porn but because he is extremely attached to him.

I tell him how about I be like the girls he watches?  If I start doing cam girl videos it’s only on screen just like the porn he watches right? It’s not cheating because I’m not interacting with anyone, just on screen like he does. He says it’s different and I say how? If anything I’m becoming more like the girls that you seek out to watch everyday instead of me the actual person you are with. You should like me more then right? He says no and of course “the porn has nothing to do with me” and that he is attracted to me. I then argue the point that he isn’t looking up porn of 130 lb brunettes, he is watching porn literally of girls who are opposite of me in everyway when it comes to looks, and that’s hurtful. It makes me feel so unattractive and just disgusted and unwanted and not enough. 

He says he understands and that he will just stop watching it. 

I say well you just lied to my face, how am I supposed to believe you will just stop? When in my opinion it’s a serious addiction and needs help to break it. Why wouldn’t he just tell me what I wanted to hear in the future, continue watching it and then just delete the history after?

He doesn’t have a response. I say I just can’t believe you lied to me, how can I ever trust what you say?

It circles back to the bigger problem of our commitment and trust issues with each other.

I say that I think we need to be open and honest with each other or else our relationship cannot work, these are things we need to talk out and come to an understanding on so that we can move forward without paranoia, resentment, and stop the distance it has put between us. 

I felt better to finally get everything out on the table, but at the same time he just showed me he is a liar, and will lie to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. And I hate that, how do you trust after being lied to, whether it’s big or small? I suppose I will find out if it is possible, in my experience in the past after being lied to, it only creates more paranoia and distrust. Sorry I know that my decisions and actions are not what some of you have advised me, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking with my best friend and I decided before this conversation that if he is willing to admit these “flaws” and talk them out to work through them as partners in life then I am willing to work through them, but if he was unwilling and just “shuts down” on me then the relationship will never work due to lack of honesty and communication. He did deny, lie and shut down at first, I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t ask to see his phone and prove that he was lying? I’m still hurt, but at least everything is out in the open and we are both willing to work through it together. I know that I am not perfect either, I have flaws, the painfully obvious one being trust issues/paranoia of betrayal. I’d like to blame it on previous trauma, but I acknowledge I am more extreme than the average person when it comes to this. I told him if the way I am in this respect is bothersome to him then I am willing to talk about that and work on it, but I also told him I am being transparent with who I am and you can choose if you are willing to accept how I am or not. I asked him to please give me the same, don’t hide these parts of your life or who you are, be open and honest with me and let me choose how I Feel, don’t force a fake reality on me.

We both agreed that we need to resolve the issues of the trust he has broken with me, and the resentment I have towards him before we can move forward. I mentioned that we are in a catch 22 situation, he is “afraid” of committing to our relationship and I see that. So in turn I became increasingly paranoid as to why? Why even be in this with me if you aren’t going to BE in this with me? So I grew resentful and waited for him to show me he is ready for this. But when I became resentful he then became even more afraid to commit any further. So something’s gotta give here right? Time will tell…… Thanks everyone for your continued support ❤️

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There is no Catch-22–this guy is a complete waste of time, emotion and energy. He is sapping ALL your resources and you are letting him. Kick him out, block him and get some therapy to figure out why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be in one and who also just takes and takes. 
 

You need a guy who is all in and shows it with his actions. This guy isn’t him. 

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On 6/29/2022 at 9:09 PM, SherrySher said:

It's actually a big deal, yes.

He is picturing women in a porn, instead of focusing on the woman in his life. 

You can pretend that it doesn't hurt, but it does. And you know what? Lots and lots of women feel the same way as you.

Porn watching from one partner can most definitely affect the intimacy, the closeness and if he is watching it that much, it will start to affect his ability to have a decent sex life.

It also bashes your ego, and that's also normal to feel that way.

Not many women can honestly say that they feel good about their significant other getting hot over another woman (even if it is on screen).

He could also start to have issues getting aroused (which it sounds like he already does). He will start having issues being able to maintain and erection, and he will start to have problems having an orgasm.

He is getting his brain so used to being hard wired to porn, that he is ruining the quality of his sex life with you, his partner.

It's a real thing, don't dismiss it and think it's made up.

These issues in particular has been noticed far more in this generation than any other due to the availability of porn.

It's becoming a definite issue with younger guys (under 35) having far more problems then ever with their sex lives, and the majority of it comes down to porn.

Lastly, please stop diminishing your own feelings by confusing yourself and trying to convince yourself that what he's doing doesn't matter....that "all guys do it". Or that it's not a big deal.

Has everyone over a certain age most likely seen porn? Probably. But does everyone (even guys) watch it to that degree? No...not everyone does.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who are more than happy with their partner and don't need porn like that.

I think todays society are so used to the idea of porn that they try to normalize it, when normalizing watching other people have sex in the most graphic way, really isn't normal, you know?

At least not to the level of needing/wanting to see it to that degree where it's an every day thing.

YOU are allowed to not like it. YOU are allowed to want to be with a partner who isn't watching porn to this degree. YOU are allowed to even be disgusted with it.

You're not alone, lots of women feel the same and prefer to find a partner who isn't needing/or wanting to watch porn on a daily basis like this (and yes, men like that do exist!).

I know you love him, but he is into porn.

You can either end things with him and try to find someone who doesn't need porn like this, or you can push your feelings down inside of you, ignore you needs, convince yourself that it doesn't matter, that you're "cool" with it.

But eventually it will blow up. 

You and he aren't the same when it comes to this issue and you will be hurt by it if you stay.

Sometimes the person you really want to be with, just can't, or won't ever be the person you want them to be.

 

I just want to highlight how good of a comment this is. It totally sums up my thoughts on this.

I really believe porn is so unhealthy for both sexes. Every time I watch porn, even if I orgasm, I end up feeling so empty. It has nothing to do with being a prude, jealous or judgmental. You can have a fun, freaky, fulfilling sex life WITHOUT porn. Its nature is inherently addictive. If I could compare it to a more mild example, so many people swear up and down they're not addicted to sugar, they can quit easily. Put them on a sugar-free diet and they realize how reliant they are on it! I think porn is that way, just even more intense, because it shapes our perception of the world way after we close our computers.

My goal is to find a partner who no longer watches porn either. For so many years I wavered on this, thinking it unrealistic, but no, I'm not settling. There are men who have quit porn and want better. Even if my future partner "relapses", I hope he course corrects and we both stay committed to doing what's best for our sexual relationship.

Unfortunately, you just directly experienced what is a MAJOR problem in our society. Men being addicted to porn (increasingly women too!), children watching it from younger and younger ages (I first saw it at 11, watched it off and on since then until the past year where I finally resolved to stop), and how its warping people's minds and men and women's relationships to each other. Not to mention no one should support the abusive, exploitative porn industry itself.

Edited by Needinghelp101
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Edna,

 I hope your symptoms are not serious and you recover quickly.

 Is his father an invalid that requires physical help? 

Don't apologize for speaking your mind and calling him out on his total BS.  Good on you!

  I know you love this guy but I really think you are wasting more time on him.  Even when called out he just keeps lying and deflecting.  Not good at all.

  He basically told you that he will not be moving out of his fathers house at all so you need to accept that.

  The porn is just a tiny part of this whole thing so please stop focusing on it like having him stop watching will fix the relationship.  Even if he never watched porn again the rest of his life the relationship would not be what it should be. This is about him not committing to you.  It is that simple.

 Take care of yourself and get healthy and just sit back and see what he does.

I am guessing more of the same.

I am sorry but you need to start thinking about the end of this relationship as being a good thing for you, not a bad thing. Look what you have become because of all this.  Is this the person you want to be? Is he or the relationship bringing out the good in you?  How is his presence in your life a positive?

Lost

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In all my years on the planet and many years reading problems on forum posts, this is one that is especially egregious and really out of the ordinary. I know you're upset about it, but in a way, you're so used to the behavior that it's not an "OMG, I'm ending this nightmare ASAP" response.

He's known the behavior has upset you for almost a year, and yet he hasn't stopped. So you think he'll stop on a dime since you called him out, now?

He's lying about the attachment to his father. If he took that excuse away, and has stated he will stop the porn, then he would have to stop the daily visits to his dad's place, which I guarantee he won't.

This situation sickens me just to read it. You love him, so you can shove that feeling of being sickened inside to the extent that you still want things to work out between you two.

How about if I tell you that if you ended things, with time and distance, going no contact, that you would see things in a more realistic way like we posters who don't have feelings for him? And that you will see you have done yourself a huge favor by letting this go.

When you do, be alone a good long year to reboot yourself. Find out who you are solo. And don't date until you're in a mentally healthy headspace to do so. Learn to cut the losers loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker. Life is short so don't keep hoping for improvement, when there are men out there who you'll be happy with "as is."

 

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I was shocked you kept speaking to him as far as any chance of staying together once he blatantly lied about the porn. What is there to discuss after that plus his attitude about Covid. Where is your sense of basic self worth ??

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He has a laundry list of road blocks in place in order to not participate in a committed relationship.

he hasn't fully moved in and dismisses you when you bring it up

he leaves every morning to go to what still appears to be his other home

he's overly attached to his father (debatable) nevertheless it's the excuse he uses 

he uses porn excessively and is now unable to be intimately connected with you 

he is neither transparent nor trustworthy

he won't allow the relationship to evolve and move forward, rather he keeps it at status quo. 

You are the only one fighting for this to be a healthy equitable relationship.  He's doing the opposite.  And it works for him. It's not a coincidence.  It's all very intentional.

Edited by reinventmyself
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31 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

He has a laundry list of road blocks in place in order to not participate in a committed relationship.

he hasn't fully moved in and dismisses you when you bring it up

he leaves every morning to go to what still appears to be his other home

he's overly attached to his father (debatable) nevertheless it's the excuse he uses 

he uses porn excessively and is now unable to be intimately connected with you 

he is neither transparent nor trustworthy

he won't allow the relationship to evolve and move forward, rather he keeps it at status quo. 

You are the only one fighting for this to be a healthy equitable relationship.  He's doing the opposite.  And it works for him. It's not a coincidence.  It's all very intentional.

Also, he lies while staring deeply into your eyes.  How can you possibly trust someone who's capable of doing that?

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This relationship is already toast, OP. 

You two are clearly not compatible and he doesn't have the feelings for you that you do for him. He's not the guy you hoped he was. 

At some point, you will realize there is no future here. Hopefully you haven't wasted too much time on him when that realization finally sinks in. 

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On 8/5/2022 at 9:34 AM, EdnaMarie35 said:

I mentioned that we are in a catch 22 situation, he is “afraid” of committing to our relationship and I see that.

Read the book :  "The Classified Man: Twenty-Two Types of Men (And What to Do About Them)". You could gain some insight into who is viable and who should be avoided.

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