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Is my boyfriend addicted to porn? Should I be worried?


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7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Running experiments or tests on your relationship is probably not a good idea.  I know you are hoping it will all work out and you can stay together with good results from your survey but you cannot compete with porn nor should you have to.

  I know talking about this is hard but the alternative is breaking up so which is harder?  Which will hurt more?

 Bring up it up again but this time as a concern after you have gotten some good info on the affects of porn on a relationship.  Ask him straight out how often he watches porn.  Everyone lies about how often or even if they look at porn so be prepared for less than the total truth but it should be somewhere close.  He will not want to look like some porn addict so he will at least cut it by half more than likely.

The key here is to keep the discussion going so he can understand how much his porn watching ultimately hurts you, your self image, your feeling of being wanted and desired and your sense of security and self worth in the relationship.

 This is a problem for you and he needs to know this.  It simply is not fair to either of you to break up over this without making sure he knows all the facts and feelings on your side of this.

  This could be a bad habit he needs to break but until he really sees and feels the impact it is having on you he is not likely to make a change.

  This is tough territory to cover but you have every right to express your feelings and be heard.

  Don't try and out sex his desire to watch porn, don't try and be these fake women he is watching, just be the woman he fell in love with.  If that isn't enough then he has made your choice for you hasn't he?

  Keep posting

 Lost

You’re right and I know that is toxic trait to start tracking and collecting data, it’s hard to explain but it’s like if I don’t see and know all of this stuff I feel anxiety-like sick to my stomach. But I also know I shouldn’t have be made to feel this way, if I was able to trust him I wouldn’t feel compelled to do any of these things to snoop. It is possible I have apprehensions about trusting in general, like maybe I’m a little damaged in that way. But I needed your reminder to be myself and not try to be someone I am not. Thanks, Lost ❤️ This is really great advice. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate your help and support. This is my first time posting anything here and I’m overwhelmed with the response, advice and support.

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Edna

Your bf will likely never admit he has a problem or that watching porn is anything but harmless but it is causing you and the relationship harm.

Here is the definition of addiction according to Merriam-Webster

Definition of addiction

1 : a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted.

He isn't missing work or other responsibilities and he is able to perform in the bedroom so this should be relatively easy to turn around if you can someone get through to him how you feel.

 It may be while you were unable to have sex he ramped up his watching to the point he is at now but  now it is more habit than actual desire to watch.

  I have no idea how you even start this conversation.  Just don't do it in bed, wait until things are calm and you aren't tired or rushed.  I know you don't want to tell him you snooped so it may be pretty hard to get him to admit the frequency. 

I am curious what times of the day it happens.  Does he rub one out before work, one at lunch and then one on the way home?  Does he masturbate every time he watches?  Lots of questions but hard to get at.

Lost 

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

 8 months ago and could possibly be related. Pre-cancerous cells were found on my cervix and I had a procedure to remove the cells. There is as 2-3 weeks recovery period where I couldn’t have sex. 

Yes. The abrupt turnabout in his interest is related to this. Use logic.

It's unclear why you are going down this nonsense porn addiction theory. 

The rift started when you had this procedure. Is it fair that he was put off or frightened by it?

No. But you've been sweeping it under the rug in favor of policing his phone and monitoring his porn.

Forgetting to remember or mention what the drop in interest was about has you barking up the wrong tree. How convenient to forget all about the real issues that impacted your sex life and google "porn addiction".

He may be immature or skittish about your gyn situation/ procedure. Either way, lecturing him about porn is ridiculous.

His loss of attraction is the main issue. And that was directly related to his squeamishness about your gyn procedure.

Discuss that rather than talking at him like he's a 13 y/o boy and shaming him. 

Either way, it's sad that he lost attraction, but at least address the real problems.

Edited by Wiseman2
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21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Edna

Your bf will likely never admit he has a problem or that watching porn is anything but harmless but it is causing you and the relationship harm.

Here is the definition of addiction according to Merriam-Webster

Definition of addiction

1 : a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted.

He isn't missing work or other responsibilities and he is able to perform in the bedroom so this should be relatively easy to turn around if you can someone get through to him how you feel.

 It may be while you were unable to have sex he ramped up his watching to the point he is at now but  now it is more habit than actual desire to watch.

  I have no idea how you even start this conversation.  Just don't do it in bed, wait until things are calm and you aren't tired or rushed.  I know you don't want to tell him you snooped so it may be pretty hard to get him to admit the frequency. 

I am curious what times of the day it happens.  Does he rub one out before work, one at lunch and then one on the way home?  Does he masturbate every time he watches?  Lots of questions but hard to get at.

Lost 

There is some background info I did not include in my original post because I didn’t want to make it too lengthy.

We went on our first date and then started hanging out everyday since. Our feelings for each other grew and grew each day for a few months and by then we were officially a couple. When I met him he lived at home with his dad. His mom passed away suddenly when he was seven, and his only sister (29) moved into her own gown with her now husband about 4 years ago. He would spend the night every night at my house, wake up in the morning at 6:45am and go back to his dads house for about an hour before going to work. Then after work go to his dads house, shower, visit with his dad for a few, then come to my house. We have done this for the past 2 years and I have tried to voice to him how I feel. About 1 year into the relationship I asked him to officially move in, to which he replied he already does live here. I then said to him you’ve never moved any of your belongings here and you don’t shower here. He says he has everything he needs already here, which in reality is just clothes that have accumulated over time. Nothing changed and I asked again a few times and made comments here and there, but I was polite and not seeming upset (even thought I was little) but rather excited to be moving forward in our relationship (because I really was). Each time I would just get a sarcastic reply and he would laugh it off and still nothing changed. When I asked what he does when he goes there he says just to visit with his dad which I totally understand and told him that’s not a problem I would like it if he even spent more time with his dad. But if you live here you come home home, shower, then go visit with your dad, not this weirdness that’s been happening. And I asked is your dad even up at 6:45am? His response was sometimes. Still never got any real answered so I have let it be. This went on for almost 2 years now. Since last weekend when I made my discovery of the porn watching, I decided I need to confront him because there were so many things going on that just made me feel like I’m being lied to, somethings being hidden and why does this man not want move forward with me? So I did bring it up again in the same conversation about our sex life, and the porn watching. He was quick with the response of “my mom died, then our dog died a few days later, and now Katie is moved out, I don’t just want to up and leave my dad all alone”. Which is hard to respond to because his mom is a touchy subject with him. I realized when I saw the porn (and have been honestly still looking at it daily to see if he still is watching it) that he was watching it in the morning when he goes to his dads to “visit” before work. I even asked him if that’s what does when he goes there and straight up said no. I let him think I believed it though. I’m not ready for confrontation yet so I said it’s okay if you’re not ready to fully live here yet but I would like it if you did and it would be moving our relationship forward. I also wonder is he actually masturbating when he’s watching it just straight up watching it like a tv show? I’m also not sure. But I know I gave him a blow job on Tuesday night before we went to bed and he woke up the next morning, went to his dads and watched porn. I decided yesterday to tell him that I want him to stay here in the mornings because I miss waking up next to him, and we could make breakfast together before work, and maybe even some morning sex here and there. I could tell in his face he didn’t really want to say yes, he would never admit that though. He said yes he would and then this morning he did stay until about 7:20 and then said he had to go back to his dads before work to get his boots and some drill bits. I am currently at home waiting for him to come home from his other home… lol. It’s a strange dynamic and I feel like this definitely plays a part. Because if we actually lived together I feel like I would’ve found out about this sooner or it would even be happening at all

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On 6/30/2022 at 12:06 PM, Andrina said:

Sadly, addictions usually always win out over any person in the addicts life. It takes an epiphany for a person to no longer be an addict, either by will power or professional treatment.

What would I do in your shoes? Be honest with how you feel. I'd say something like:

"I hoped to build a beautiful life with you. However, during the last 8 months, there's been an emotional connection lacking in intimacy. What I've read about how regular porn viewing scares me. It can actually change the neurons of the brain where a person's go-to for excitement ends up being the porn instead of a live human being.

You argue the point, so even if you think your amount is normal or minimal, the fact is whatever the amount you're engaging in now, is affecting you.

I love you and want a lifetime with you, but don't see that happening unless major changes take place. I'd like to book an appt. for us to go to a therapist to work together to improve our relationship."

If he balks and refuses therapy, unfortunately he's choosing the addiction over you. People who care will comply to reasonable requests, wanting their partner to be happy, and facing embarrassment and tough effort to overcome the addiction and/or issue.

I know how it feels to have a great beginning that falls apart, and you hang on, hoping for the good stuff to return. It's only good to wait around for change, however, if your partner actively begins the effort needed to get mentally healthy. If he doesn't, you have to then do the hard task of moving on for your own good.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

This is the most level headed response I could have, it is just going to be very difficult to bring up. I don’t feel that he will be very perceptive to the idea of therapy, I know the chances of fixing this without it are slim. But my blinded love brain tells me we can beat the odds. Or is this truly addiction? Some people don’t think so but some do. I will definitely keep you updated with my decision and how this ultimately plays out. Thanks so much for your honest opinion ❤️

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No in general -what is your purpose in having him move in with you?

I want him to move in because I want to move forward in our relationship, get married, and start having children. We even talk about it and he says it’s what he wants too, but it doesn’t seem like we are moving forward in any way. And now this happened 😔

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4 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I want him to move in because I want to move forward in our relationship, get married, and start having children. We even talk about it and he says it’s what he wants too, but it doesn’t seem like we are moving forward in any way. And now this happened 😔

So that's the issue I see -you see sharing physical space where he officially lives with you as part of strengthening your emotional commitment and as some sort of step to getting married. He doesn't. I never did - never saw living together as some sort of increased emotional commitment -we moved in together when we married. 

Before that we spent lots of time at one of our places - but we each had our own place.  Had no bearing on our bond or commitment or readiness for marriage.  What did was deciding to conceive a child -we were older, we tried before marriage - and deciding that I would relocate for his job. 

And moving in would have actually hurt us because a few months after marriage we were sharing my 550 square foot apartment with our newborn and all his stuff.  Living together as parents of a newborn is nothing like just two people living together. So that way I had no expectations of what it would be like living together.

You see it as moving forward in your commitment. He does not.  So it doesn't matter to him if he spend most nights with you at your place as far as whether you two get married.  If he wants marriage he will propose to you and then logistically you'll move in together as an engaged couple or a married couple (I think sometimes engaged couples move in because the lease is up and the wedding is soon)

 

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

About 1 year into the relationship I asked him to officially move in, to which he replied he already does live here.  I asked again a few times This went on for almost 2 years now. why does this man not want move forward with me? So I did bring it up again in the same conversation about our sex life, and the porn watching.

There's a lot more than porn policing and confronting going on here.

He doesn't want to live together, be your tenant or pay rent.

He has not made one step in the direction you wish.

No engagement, no proposal, no desire to have a family.  Right now he's just camping out there overnight and using it as a free storage unit and BNB.

Policing his phone and confronting him about porn and masturbating is not the solution. That's not the reason he won't commit to you.

Sadly you want a home together, husband and family. But he does not. It's easy to google "porn addiction" and run down that road.

It's harder to face the truth that he's just camping at your place for now and doesn't want what you want.

It's a lot less painful to think that he is addicted to porn (thus he's the problem), than it is to face the truth that you've overinvested for years begging and chasing for a morsel of commitment and love from a guy who's just coasting along and doesn't want a future with you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So that's the issue I see -you see sharing physical space where he officially lives with you as part of strengthening your emotional commitment and as some sort of step to getting married. He doesn't. I never did - never saw living together as some sort of increased emotional commitment -we moved in together when we married. 

Before that we spent lots of time at one of our places - but we each had our own place.  Had no bearing on our bond or commitment or readiness for marriage.  What did was deciding to conceive a child -we were older, we tried before marriage - and deciding that I would relocate for his job. 

And moving in would have actually hurt us because a few months after marriage we were sharing my 550 square foot apartment with our newborn and all his stuff.  Living together as parents of a newborn is nothing like just two people living together. So that way I had no expectations of what it would be like living together.

You see it as moving forward in your commitment. He does not.  So it doesn't matter to him if he spend most nights with you at your place as far as whether you two get married.  If he wants marriage he will propose to you and then logistically you'll move in together as an engaged couple or a married couple (I think sometimes engaged couples move in because the lease is up and the wedding is soon)

 

I understand that, and also I get that “traditionally” or for religious reasons people think the way is to get married, then move in together. My mom always taught me that don’t truly know a significant other until you live with them and has always said to live with someone before you marry them. So far life has also taught me that is so true. Living together makes it hard to hide parts of yourself that you otherwise could if you lived apart. From the little things like eating munchies in bed to the big things (in this case the - in my opinion - obsessive porn watching). I think to myself that if we changed our morning habits then he would break his habit of watching porn. Realistically it’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. But now that’s my hope I guess.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a lot more than porn policing and confronting going on here.

He doesn't want to live together, be your tenant or pay rent.

He has not made one step in the direction you wish.

No engagement, no proposal, no desire to have a family.  Right now he's just camping out there overnight and using it as a free storage unit and BNB.

Policing his phone and confronting him about porn and masturbating is not the solution. That's not the reason he won't commit to you.

Sadly you want a home together, husband and family. But he does not. It's easy to google "porn addiction" and run down that road.

It's harder to face the truth that he's just camping at your place for now and doesn't want what you want.

It's a lot less painful to think that he is addicted to porn (thus he's the problem), than it is to face the truth that you've overinvested for years begging and chasing for a morsel of commitment and love from a guy who's just coasting along and doesn't want a future with you.

I’ve thought this too, so that is why I have asked him on multiple occasion what he wants in this relationship and he tells me straight up that he wants to marry me and wants to have kids and a family life together. In our most recent talk that was the main topic, and I told him the things that would be moving forward in our relationship are things like, staying here in the morning/actually moving in, getting things in our names or together such as car insurance (we would even get a better price on the same plan but he said no to that twice), Changing his address, paying a portion of the bills and getting married. I told him I’ve expected these things to happen over the past year and now I’m at the point where I believe you don’t want to move forward in these ways. He claimed that he did want to move forward but that he was just apprehensive because this is the longest relationship he’s ever been in and is basically afraid to commit to all of those things because none of his relationships have ever lasted in the past and doesn’t want to get “screwed over”. Which is a bull*** excuse honestly. I asked him why haven’t you proposed yet then? If you’re so afraid you might lose me then why not ask me to marry you? He claims his reason is wanted to wait until after 2years of our relationship which is in august, and for financial reasons. My other concern I have about that is if you’re staying here not paying any bills how have you not saved up enough money for a cheap ring? I’m not a rich person and I don’t expect big fancy things. I’ve asked before what do you spend all your money on and never really get an answer. He also won’t really discuss finances with me. That is another things I said that moving forward as a couple we would need to do. I’m almost wondering if he is spending all his money on something like onlyfans. That would be the only explanation I could see. Do you think I should tell him that this is what I want in our relationship and if we don’t do these things then we shouldn’t be together? If he does want to do all these things I mention you think I should just be okay with him watching porn all the time even when it makes me feel so terrible about myself?

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Posted (edited)
23 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

He claimed that he did want to move forward but that he was just apprehensive because this is the longest relationship he’s ever been in and is basically afraid to commit. He also won’t really discuss finances with me.  I’m almost wondering if he is spending all his money on something like onlyfans. That would be the only explanation I could see. 

Just stop letting him stay over no-strings attached, then pressuring him to get married. You are acting one way (accepting someone coasting along free-loading) and saying another. He freeloads off his father, so why off freeload off you since you allow it?

 Also stop talking about nonsense like car insurance and joint accounts. You are stepping on the gas heavily and he's pumping the brakes steadily. 

Now it's "only fans" to blame why he doesn't want to buy a cheap ring? That is as illogical as thinking his checking out is due to porn "addiction". He's distancing himself from your pressure and checking out. But you don't want to accept that.

He does NOT have to discuss his finances with you because you are NOT married. You Stop letting him sleepover/freeload. It's that simple. it's the only leverage you have.

Talking at him with wild accusations about 'porn addiction' and 'only fans' spending is not helping. You need to change the dynamic and tell him to collect his stuff and not sleep over.  Otherwise you are fostering his complacency and freeloading.

He's not moving in because he doesn't want to. He's not buying a ring because he doesn't want to. But you prefer to believe this porn addiction and paid webcam girls theory.

Edited by Wiseman2
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So therein lies the problem -your sense of moving forward is focused on mostly financial aspects - you want him to prove his commitment through financial planning, saving up for a ring, etc.  You know you two have very different financial values so your strategy was to have him prove himself to you financially -by doing the things you're commanding him to do and sharing all his personal finances with you and his financial situation.  Doesn't work that way, sorry. And it's really off-putting to most reasonably secure people.  

You resent being the wallet here, the sugar mama, and somehow you think that if he does all these things on your Honey Do Financial Planning List then he'll be the right partner for you.  But the truth is -nope.  Even if he did he'd do it with resentment and find other ways (hmmmm like watching porn??) to escape your control and you trying to morph him into something he doesn't want to be. 

Some other woman might be fine with how he does things.  Trust him as to how he handles money -you don't trust him and he knows it so he figures - these porn sites don't try to control me and my every move and try to get me to buy a cheap ring and propose - I mean if I do maybe she'll stop trying to change me...... but probably not.

Sharing physical space and paying you for it doesn't mean he will be more emotionally committed or that he will propose marriage to you (anyway why not propose to him -he's basically living at your house already).

The porn is an issue but the main issue here is you're dating someone with incompatible values.  I've known my husband for decades -we've been married over ten years. We both brought financial assets into the marriage -we were older when we married so that is partly why.  We have a joint account and separate accounts.  We have an understanding that we check in with each other for big ticket items (the $ amount is one that we are comfortable with while other couples might have a higher or lower one). 

For example he had to buy a new car a few years ago.  I have no idea actually what it cost but he discussed with me what type of car made the most sense and I trusted him not to pay too much/buy an over the top fancy car, etc.   

When we plan trips he'll check with me on what I think about hotel cost/airfare -he's the travel planner, I'm the packer. He doesn't ask me why I'm buying new clothes for our son for a trip or how many pairs of shorts, he doesn't ask me whether I'm planning to work more hours in the next week to make more $ but if I said to him I wanted to quit my job I'd assume we'd talk about the financial consequences.

When we had our son he said to me - hire any outside help you need as a SAHM - throw money at the problem so to speak.  He trusted me to hire reasonably and I did.  

But we have very similar financial values so these conversations are rare and there are very very few surprises on either side - I can think of a handful of times since 2005 when one of us said to the other "that sounds too expensive" or "do we really want to switch ___ to this more expensive plan?" 

We trust each other to make good and reasonable decisions.  It's really really important to have that for a marriage and living together didn't show me that -we didn't live together -what showed me that was simply getting to know him and his family, seeing how he lived, how he worked, his choices in life -financial values and other values.  I'd have run really really fast if he'd treated me like you are treating your partner.  

He shouldn't disrespect you by watching porn.  I believe the way you are approaching your incompatibilities comes across as disrespectful to him as an adult.  Two wrongs don't make a right of course.

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I don’t think this is about a porn addiction at all, OP. Sorry. 

He isn’t ready for what you want and is afraid to commit. He responds to your detachment with detachment also and doesn’t approach you with intimacy when you equally withdraw. You went through his phone and he may be having more reservations about you. 

Why do you see yourself with someone who doesn’t share the same enthusiasm and goals as you?

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t think this is about a porn addiction at all, OP. Sorry. 

He isn’t ready for what you want and is afraid to commit. He responds to your detachment with detachment also and doesn’t approach you with intimacy when you equally withdraw. You went through his phone and he may be having more reservations about you. 

Why do you see yourself with someone who doesn’t share the same enthusiasm and goals as you?

This is a good point. I guess I am just now realizing that I’ve believed what he has been saying but not his actions. And I’m at the point where things should’ve happened by now if they were going to so that’s kind of why I came here is to figure out for myself if I can still see myself with him or not.

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46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

-by doing the things you're commanding him to do and sharing all his personal finances with you and his financial situation.  Doesn't work that way, sorry. And it's really off-putting to most reasonably secure people.  

I didn’t command anything, I simply voiced to him that to me discussing finances is something that we would do moving forward in our relationship. He said he isn’t ready for that yet and I said okay. We don’t argue, and I don’t make commands of him ever. This is not a toxic relationship, even thought the past few weeks I have let my insecurities overcome me and I am aware that my snooping is not a good trait.

 

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Trust him as to how he handles money -you don't trust him and he knows it so he figures - these porn sites don't try to control me and my every move and try to get me to buy a cheap ring and propose

I do trust him and how he handles his money, we never discuss what we spend on anything with each other. I’m not sure why you would think he thinks I am controlling his every move, I’m trying to think of a reason or something that would indicate this but i have never demanded any of these things from him. When I explained to him I don’t need a big fancy ring because I don’t care about how much money you spend on it, that’s not what matters. To which he responded he knows that but he thinks I deserve something big and fancy and wants to be able to give that to me.

 

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd have run really really fast if he'd treated me like you are treating your partner. 

This was a little hurtful, I’m curious what you mean by the way I am treating him? Because I am snooping in his phone you mean? Or what other things at I doing that are wrong? I’d like to correct them if I can understand

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The new info did give us more insight into the matter.

The fact alone that he comes to your home after work and spends the night there every night without paying a dime for any electricity and cable and water shows he doesn't really care about you and lacks the normal ethics and empathy of a decent human being.

And as for his relationship history, it it wise to consider that, as it's often revealing. His have been short term and he seems to be blaming the women, whereas they most likely bailed when seeing what he was about. They likely had good self esteem which made it easy to walk away. The fact that you've put up with this for so long shows your self worth needs a lot of work. You subconsciously feel he is all you deserve.

When things don't make sense, pay attention, such as his super early morning visits to his father. Even if he wasn't just going there to watch porn, do you really want to be with someone who chooses to visit a parent daily? My elderly Dad, lives within 10 minutes of me, and I stop by there once or twice a week, which to me is normal. If my husband went to see a parent daily, I'd think of this as too overly involved--an unhealthy balance of his time.

And when a person has nothing but excuses for not moving a relationship forward, well, in my mind, I would never be with anyone who, after being with me almost two years, wasn't 100 percent confident in building a forever life with me.

Basically, the secret to relationship happiness is to choose someone who you don't want to change in any major way. Because he is who he is, and who are you to demand he be someone he's not?

Everyone has minor flaws, but when a person has one or more major, dealbreaker flaws, you walk away.

When you've broken up, changed your locks, gone no contact, with distance and time, you will shake your head at why you stayed so long.

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59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just stop letting him stay over no-strings attached, then pressuring him to get married. You are acting one way (accepting someone coasting along free-loading) and saying another. He freeloads off his father, so why off freeload off you since you allow it?

 Also stop talking about nonsense like car insurance and joint accounts. You are stepping on the gas heavily and he's pumping the brakes steadily. 

Now it's "only fans" to blame why he doesn't want to buy a cheap ring? That is as illogical as thinking his checking out is due to porn "addiction". He's distancing himself from your pressure and checking out. But you don't want to accept that.

He does NOT have to discuss his finances with you because you are NOT married. You Stop letting him sleepover/freeload. It's that simple. it's the only leverage you have.

Talking at him with wild accusations about 'porn addiction' and 'only fans' spending is not helping. You need to change the dynamic and tell him to collect his stuff and not sleep over.  Otherwise you are fostering his complacency and freeloading.

He's not moving in because he doesn't want to. He's not buying a ring because he doesn't want to. But you prefer to believe this porn addiction and paid webcam girls theory.

It is true that I am pressing the gas while he is pressing the brakes, and I guess I’m trying to figure out why. It’s not like I’ve been making demands of these things our entire relationship, I’m just at the point now where i feel we need to either move forward or we need to start questioning what we are doing together if we are not moving forward.

I can tell he is distancing himself, that’s why all of this is even happening. I’m not in denial of it, I’m trying to figure out why. You say it’s the pressure I am putting on him, but I don’t understand that. Do you mean because I talked to him last weekend about how I want to move forward and do these things with him? Again I’m not demanding, we aren’t arguing about any of this, I feel I have just been shy in our relationship when it comes to talking about how we feel because I am afraid to “scare him off”. We have only talked seriously about our relationship maybe 3 times in the past 2 years. I have been in my opinion patiently waiting and am running a little thin on it at this point. do you mean I should never talk with him about our relationship if I am feeling this way?

I also don’t 100% think he has a full blown porn addiction, everyone has there own scale of opinion but that’s what my original question was on this post. I came here to ask if people think this is an addiction and if I should be worried? I’m not dead set that this is 100% the case with him. I’m also not bothered by it to an extreme degree, I am a reasonable person and would be willing to accept this behavior if I understood more. Just the initial discovery of this and all of these factors combined is just a real blow to my confidence in the relationship and in myself. I just want to clarify I’m not being an extreme and demanding person in this. I guess I type a lot of what I am feeling in my posts but not all of this has been discussed or said to one another and maybe that can be misunderstood. I appreciate your input ❤️

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7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The fact alone that he comes to your home after work and spends the night there every night without paying a dime for any electricity and cable and water shows he doesn't really care about you and lacks the normal ethics and empathy of a decent human being.

I feel embarrassed to ask him to pay some bills, I feel like he should offer. I know you don’t know him but do you really think that makes him a terrible person lacking empathy? What if he just doesn’t have the money and is embarrassed to admit that? Don’t get me wrong I do agree with you on this, but not that he’s a terrible person for it. I appreciate your opinion on it, it is very helpful.h

 

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When things don't make sense, pay attention, such as his super early morning visits to his father. Even if he wasn't just going there to watch porn, do you really want to be with someone who chooses to visit a parent daily? My elderly Dad, lives within 10 minutes of me, and I stop by there once or twice a week, which to me is normal. If my husband went to see a parent daily, I'd think of this as too overly involved--an unhealthy balance of his time.

This is true, I felt this way before I discovered the porn history. Going there everyday twice a day was weird to me and he dismissed me the few times I tried to bring it up. My thinking is when we have children is he just going to wake up and leave me with them while he goes to his dads every morning and after work everyday? But that’s the thing I can’t force him to, and I’ve never demanded him to. The only things I’ve said are asking him to officially move in and telling him that I he can keep his work clothes here so he doesn’t have to go there in the morning to which he replied he will fall back asleep if he doesn’t get up and leave… I never questioned further because I didn’t want to offend or put pressure on him about it. I wanted to let him know how I feel and make his own decision about it.

 

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

And when a person has nothing but excuses for not moving a relationship forward, well, in my mind, I would never be with anyone who, after being with me almost two years, wasn't 100 percent confident in building a forever life with me.

That’s how I am feeling, his actions are different than the words he tells me. He tells me he does want a life with me forever and to get married and have children. I’m struggling what to believe.

 

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Everyone has minor flaws, but when a person has one or more major, dealbreaker flaws, you walk away

Very true. That’s why I am here asking these questions. I am trying to figure out for myself if this is a major flaw or if it is a minor flaw I can live with. I guess it’s apparent these are major issues. Thank you for your opinion it really is appreciated ❤️

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I’m just at the point now where i feel we need to either move forward or we need to start questioning what we are doing together if we are not moving forward.

I can tell he is distancing himself, that’s why all of this is even happening. I’m not in denial of it, I’m trying to figure out why.

You're trying to lean into this when you should be stepping back. Stop letting him sleep over. Talking at him is not working. It's met with excuses, pushback and withdrawal.

It's been limping along with these sleepovers but otherwise there is nothing to indicate that he is interested in engagement, living together or a future.

 Do Not ask him to move in. Do not ask him to pay bills. Just stop feeding and housing him.  It's really that simple.

Simply stop chasing and accommodating to see the truth. His words say "maybe someday" but his actions are that of filling time and space.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

What if he just doesn’t have the money and is embarrassed to admit that?

If at his age, he has no money to pay bills, he's not ready to be in a serious relationship since he can't pull his weight. That's being a parasite, and if you had decent self esteem, you would feel resentful that you're being used. He chose you, seeing that you were a doormat that would put up with his dysfunction, and he could get whatever he halfway enjoys until it peters out.

 

1 hour ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

My thinking is when we have children is he just going to wake up and leave me with them while he goes to his dads every morning and after work everyday?

What you presently witness is what you should reasonably expect. Wishing for major change in a partner, in order for you to be happy, is a foolhardy way to run your life. What you see is what you get.

Hormones are released in a woman when she has sex with a man, that make her want to bond with him, even if he's totally wrong for her. This has happened to you. When you make yourself single, stay that way until you achieve a healthy self esteem. If you don't do that work on yourself, you will keep choosing the same type of toxic man over and over.

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What you wrote came across as you trying to engineer his financial choices.  Sorry if I misinterpreted. Does he pay rent to his dad or rent in kind -like does he take care of all the handyman type stuff or similar? Pay for all food, etc? I only dated adult men who lived on their own and would have considered if it was very temporary.  I don't think he has to live with you but he should be able to live independently and afford to do so.  Does he pay for stuff like dates, or your groceries, etc? Sounds like not.  

I don't relate to him insisting on a big fancy ring unless that's a stall tactic.  I told my husband not to get me a big diamond -I am petite, didn't like all the bling - and we looked at rings together -he then went to a trusted jeweler to get it.  It's beautiful and not too big as I asked for.  

He's shown you who he is -don't waste your breathe/time/stomach acid trying to change him as you have been.  I'm sorry.

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Posted (edited)

I think it’s admirable that you’re thinking about the relationship critically. Most people enter relationships and get caught with feelings and proceed regardless of the dynamics being very skewed and unbalanced. 

I’d be very concerned if he and you aren’t able to see eye to eye on finances and your contributions currently or if you feel shy or too self-conscious to bring up this issue. It does seem that you’re both not ready to move in or spend this much time together on a regular basis. Be clearer about your expectations. Also, it’s horribly hard to get someone out once they move in. Be wary in general letting this man into your home permanently with these issues going on. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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