relationships I had an affair with a married man and my boyfriend does not know this about me yet

[Lily4]

Hello everyone,

So as the title say I was having an affair with a married man with kids 

When we met I did not know he was married.

We exchanged numbers and began talking and such nothing much at first but I did like him as more than a friend before I gave my number to him shortly after he told me that he was married and at that point I should have just backed away but I thought I could keep the relationship plutonic because I did enjoy our talks but now that I look back at it even that would have been terribly wrong in itself but sadly I continued our relationship as friends but a while later he told me that he liked me as more than a friend I really didn’t know how to take this because I did want more than a friendship with him but he was already in a committed relationship with kids so I just left it on that note and after a while he was starting to not contact me as much so I eventually told him how I felt out of fear of losing what I thought we had so 

A while after that our conversations became inappropriate but I was in something with him but I know now that it wasn’t love or anything close to it but unfortunately this relationship continued 

He’d start to tell me that he didn’t love his wife and he didn’t feel the same way about her as he did for me this made me even more hesitant to leave because I thought he loved me and wanted to be with me ..

It started as him asking me if we could hug 

I told him no and that it was not something I could do but he asked more and more until I eventually said yes so we hugged 

And it felt wrong but it was just a hug and it was only supposed to be that one time but it was not the last time

We hugged again after that and he was more touchy this time I can’t say that I didn’t want him to but I stopped him from me too much because I was trying to resist  it going any further than a hug ,

The last time we did hug it became I little more than a hug I let him touch my body this time .... I gave in unfortunately and  that was close to the last time we saw each other but we did stay in contact because it was hard for me to let go at first

He tried to invite me out like to a hotel but I just couldn’t do that so I told him that we should not talk anymore and I blocked him . But I started to miss him so I unblocked him and told him that I missed him and we just talked for a little while but then it led back to him asking me to come over to his house because his wife was on vacation.. I said no and I couldn’t do that to her or his family it was then I realized that he was not mine and was never going to be because I could not break his family.. he told me that it was not the first time he cheated and that almost made me think that it may be ok if we did have a relationship . But I still couldn’t go through with it and this time I blocked him for good and we have not talked since..

 

Shortly that after I met my current boyfriend and he makes me so happy and I know what it’s like to be truly loved and to love someone he’s everything to me . 

But I can’t be happy with him knowing what I did in the past and who I was .. 

 

This was my first relationship ever and I hate that I was based around lies and secrets and hiding.. 

 

 and again I don’t want to try to sugarcoat this in any way  I am very ashamed of this it was very wrong and it is something that really deeply regret and cry and hurt over it should have never happened i feel just awful about everything and I feel like don’t deserve to have a good relationship with my boyfriend and I don’t deserve to be loved by him or to love him . But the truth is I do love him with all my heart and because I love him I feel I need to tell him but at the same time I don’t want to lose him . How do I approach this with him ? I really need some help with this . 

Please and thank you all 

[Rose Mosse]

The married man is the past so leave it in the past. It has nothing to do with your current relationship. 

Don’t self-sabotage please. Seek therapy or counselling if available to you and figure out what this is really about. Are you religious? You seem to be reliving your past over and over perhaps because of some strong moral standard imposed. You made a mistake and are remorseful for that time you were involved with a married person. You declined sex or a relationship with him. Be proud of yourself for that. Count yourself older/wiser now and move forward.

Are you happy with your current relationship or is it dull or unfulfilling? 

[East4]

Self-flagellation serves no purpose. Making mistakes is part of our human nature and the rectification of mistakes makes us grow as human beings. 

You made a mistake with this married guy, because you formed an emotional attachment with him. This is human. Finally you had the strength to sever ties with him, and this is good. Overall, you grew as a person from this experience. While growth feels unplesant while it is happening, few years from now, when confronted with a temptation, you will know better and act better. And then you will be thankful of the difficult experience you had. 

It is time to quit agonising about the past, that was a lesson; your boyfriend  needs not to know about your lesson, it is part of your secret garden.

Enjoy the relationship with your boyfriend, and please be more accepting of your past mistakes. You corrected it, this is what matters. You need not continue blaming yourself.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Lily4 said:

But I can’t be happy with him knowing what I did in the past and who I was .. 

 I hate that I was based around lies and secrets and hiding..

How long have you been dating? Don't burden your BF with your guilt. 

Sort this out with a qualified therapist. You still seem hung up on the married lover.

People make mistakes, that's ok. It's over now. Move forward and don't make this relationship about that relationship.

[SherrySher]

The guilt you are feeling, has more to do with trying to make yourself feel better over what you did, and not about being honest with your boyfriend.

How is putting this kind of news on him going to make him feel? How would it improve anything?

You made a mistake, you have admitted that. Sharing the news with your current boyfriend won't change that, and won't erase what happened.

It's the past, and it's best if it's left there.

I'm not sure what you want to accomplish by bringing it back to your current future???

[Batya33]

I had a dear friend who was single at the time and had an affair with a married man -he was her first, actually, in her 20s.  In her late 20s, after it had ended she met her husband on Match.com.  She told him because she actually was still friends with her affair partner -they'd been classmates and then colleagues.  In fact, they'd been best friends for years before their affair.  Her husband accepted this because it was totally over and he even accepted them staying in touch.  I would not tell your boyfriend unless there is a reason like that or an STD/health reason where he'd have to know the man was married.  

(Yes I do think there's a moral difference between a married person having an affair and a single person having an affair with a married person -no I've never done so)

All the best with your new relationship.

"But the truth is I do love him with all my heart and because I love him I feel I need to tell him but at the same time I don’t want to lose him."  It's not loving to tell someone this sort of secret.  It's more about you and your need to unburden.  Unburdening likely will upset him because he'll be imagining all sorts of things that are TMI  Please don't tell yourself you have to because "you love him" - 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Lily4 said:

he told me that it was not the first time he cheated

Shocker. They always tell you that they dont love their partner or how they will leave them for you. It makes it easier for you to accept them. You fell for the classic cheater story.

But OK, since it happened before you met your current partner, I really dont see the need to disclose all that. You see it as a wrong thing and you know you made the mistake. That is more then fine in this case. You have a good concience, that is good. I can see why you want to disclose something like that and put that burden you carry down. Just dont think it brings anything positive to your current relationship. So you should carry that burden and forgive yourself in time without involving him. It would be another thing if it happened during your relationship but this is past. 

[WildPump]

very nice of you to consider others feeling as well since your current boyfriend was not there when you had an affair with the married man. Your conscience is clear which is admirable. Obviously your first relationship/affair did not workout so you won't be able to forget it and you may carry this with you as a burden, if your boyfriend and you have a strong bonding I dont see any harm disclosing it with him. But if you think that it might jeopardize your current relationship than strongly advisable not to.  

[SooSad33]

this did not happen when you were involved with him, so should not need to be brought up with him.  You had a moment, you reacted to some man who, at first you did not know he was married.

BUT, it's done now & in the past.  We learn to accept & move on and you have ( at least move on) Good on you! 🙂

I feel maybe you're 'stuck' in some sort of guilt now or regret?  Then maybe consider some prof help to help you along with this.. If you feel you just can't let this go.

But don't feel you have to explain any of this to your now, present BF.  He had nothing to do with this and it's your past.  We all make mistakes in life... 

 

 

[Usa1ah]

Would you want to know if your boyfriend was a cheater? If yes, then tell your boyfriend what happened. I have seen it ruin a relationship when the SO finds out about their past cheating. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Usa1ah said:

Would you want to know if your boyfriend was a cheater? If yes, then tell your boyfriend what happened. I have seen it ruin a relationship when the SO finds out about their past cheating. 

But she didn't cheat.  She helped a married man cheat but I believe she was single at the time.  So what she did was unethical but it's not the situation where she's shown herself not to be loyal in a committed relationship.  She wasn't committed to the wife. The husband was.  So if she's going to tell him every time she's acted unethically or made mistakes then I guess he should tell her if he ever used an illegal drug, or shoplifted, or lied to someone when it wasn't a white lie, etc.  I'm not so sure couples tell each other all those details from the past.  If she believes he is sure to find out another way (as my friend was) then yes to prepare him she should tell him.  

I went on a date once with a man who was separated. At the time I didn't know that meant he was still married.  We held hands I think during our date, we flirted.  We met through a personal ad.  It never occurred to me in a million years to tell anyone I dated after that I went out on a date with a married man.  (True I didn't know he was still married but it's also true he was).  

[boltnrun]

People can absolutely learn from past poor choices (it's not a "mistake" when it's done deliberately and with knowledge) and develop into better people.

I stepped outside a committed relationship many, many years ago. I will never, ever do that again. If I were to commit to a man today he would not need to worry that I'm a "cheater" because I have evolved since then. And I would not feel like I had to tell him about something I did over 20 years ago.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

People can absolutely learn from past poor choices (it's not a "mistake" when it's done deliberately and with knowledge) and develop into better people.

I stepped outside a committed relationship many, many years ago. I will never, ever do that again. If I were to commit to a man today he would not need to worry that I'm a "cheater" because I have evolved since then. And I would not feel like I had to tell him about something I did over 20 years ago.

I mean if my husband told me he'd cheated on a girlfriend 20 years or a really long time ago (first marriage for both) I'd be really surprised but not upset with him for not telling me - obviously with exceptions like "guess what I have another child I didn't tell you about because I cheated on a girlfriend once."  I would want to know if he cheated on me.  We never cheated on each other.  

[smackie9]

You don't have to tell your BF anything  or about any of the details. If he asks, just say nothing physical happened, and it turned out he was married. Then say you have never felt so guilty, and blocked the man eventually. You were vulnerable and very naive and the man took advantage of that (to which he really did!) He made sure you were too emotionally attached. The guy was a pro. 

[Lily4]

13 hours ago, East4 said:

Self-flagellation serves no purpose. Making mistakes is part of our human nature and the rectification of mistakes makes us grow as human beings. 

You made a mistake with this married guy, because you formed an emotional attachment with him. This is human. Finally you had the strength to sever ties with him, and this is good. Overall, you grew as a person from this experience. While growth feels unplesant while it is happening, few years from now, when confronted with a temptation, you will know better and act better. And then you will be thankful of the difficult experience you had. 

It is time to quit agonising about the past, that was a lesson; your boyfriend  needs not to know about your lesson, it is part of your secret garden.

Enjoy the relationship with your boyfriend, and please be more accepting of your past mistakes. You corrected it, this is what matters. You need not continue blaming yourself.

It really was the worst mistake of my whole entire life and I will never ever do anything even close to that again and I know this in my heart .

but I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with I think it should be his choice to stay with someone who did the things I did or to leave me .  You know ? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Lily4 said:

It really was the worst mistake of my whole entire life and I will never ever do anything even close to that again and I know this in my heart .

but I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with I think it should be his choice to stay with someone who did the things I did or to leave me .  You know ? 

Why are you intent on sabotaging your relationship?

Do you think you don't deserve to be loved? Do you think you're such a bad person that no one should want to be with you?

[Lily4]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Don't burden your BF with your guilt. 

Sort this out with a qualified therapist. You still seem hung up on the married lover.

People make mistakes, that's ok. It's over now. Move forward and don't make this relationship about that relationship.

We’ve been together for a little over a year now and I did meet my boyfriend about 3 months after the married man 

I’m really trying to put it past me but I feel like he should have the option to leave or stay with someone like me . 

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you intent on sabotaging your relationship?

Do you think you don't deserve to be loved? Do you think you're such a bad person that no one should want to be with you?

Quoting myself because I'm curious to know the answers to these questions.

 

34 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

I feel like he should have the option to leave or stay with someone like me . 

What do you mean by "someone like me"? What are you "like"?

Guilt and shame can be dealt with by working with a therapist, rather than by dumping it on your boyfriend who is probably a pretty nice guy.

[Lily4]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Quoting myself because I'm curious to know the answers to these questions.

 

What do you mean by "someone like me"? What are you "like"?

Guilt and shame can be dealt with by working with a therapist, rather than by dumping it on your boyfriend who is probably a pretty nice guy.

Well I guess what I mean to say is someone who did what I did . 
and the reason I’m kinda hesitant for therapy because I’ve never gone to one in my life so I’m not sure which route I should take 

[boltnrun]

45 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

Well I guess what I mean to say is someone who did what I did . 
and the reason I’m kinda hesitant for therapy because I’ve never gone to one in my life so I’m not sure which route I should take 

I never did either. All you have to do is see your regular doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. It should be covered by your insurance.

You didn't answer any of my other questions. Do you think you're a terrible person? Do you think you are undeserving of a nice boyfriend? 

[Lily4]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I never did either. All you have to do is see your regular doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. It should be covered by your insurance.

You didn't answer any of my other questions. Do you think you're a terrible person? Do you think you are undeserving of a nice boyfriend? 

Oh I apologize for that . I would say that at times a feel really terrible about what I have done and it makes me think badly of myself but I try not to beat myself up too much but the guilt it’s too much . And answer your second question no I don’t feel I deserve a nice boyfriend like I have now but the other part of me loves him and doesn’t want to lose him . 

[lostandhurt]

Are you the same exact person you were when you hugged this married man?  Are you wiser now?

  You seem to think telling your bf about this episode is doing him a favor but it isn't.  If you listed all the mistakes or bad choices you made up until the day you met your bf how does that help him see you for who you are today?

  If you want to end things with your bf then just tell him you do not want to see him any longer and be done with it but don't put your salvation on his shoulders.  He isn't the one that needs to accept you for all your mistakes in the past, you need to do that for yourself.  He isn't your priest or spiritual leader, he is your bf so don't dump your guilt onto him so you can feel better.

 You made a couple of bad choices but ultimately made the right choice when it mattered most.  That is what counts...

 Lost

PS  You didn't have an affair, the cheating married loser tried to have one with you but you did the right thing.  That isn't an affair, it was poor judgement.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Lily4 said:

 I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with.

So you are still so hung up on this married lover that it defines who you are?

Perhaps you are still seeing your BF as a rebound and substitute for the married lover you want but can't have. This is what it sounds like you're trying to tell your BF.

Otherwise you have put this behind you a long long time ago.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Lily4 said:

but I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with I think it should be his choice to stay with someone who did the things I did or to leave me .  You know ? 

No, not really. 

You seem to have learned from your poor choices in the past. It doesn't serve any purpose to go digging this up. You need to learn to manage your own guilt and regret, without introducing it into a relationship that would otherwise be unaffected by this. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

No, not really. 

You seem to have learned from your poor choices in the past. It doesn't serve any purpose to go digging this up. You need to learn to manage your own guilt and regret, without introducing it into a relationship that would otherwise be unaffected by this. 

Yes- there is no "person like you" - do you want to know about everything he's ever done that might have been unethical?

Like, what if it was heavily raining out and he saw an elderly man drop a $20 bill on the sidewalk and keep walking (or going along in his motorized wheelchair) -what if instead of running down the block to catch up with him and give him the $20 he took it instead and spent it (meaning didn't even give it to charity) because he was in a hurry and didn't feel like going to the trouble. 

What if he really regretted it and never ever acted so thoughtlessly again and made sure he took every opportunity to do the right thing in those sorts of situations.  Would you still want to know what he'd done that one time in the past to know what kind of person he is?

I think you made bad choices.  I don't think this choice makes you any more likely to cheat on a romantic partner than anyone else and since you learned from it and take responsibility you've grown and the person you are now would not choose an unethical path.  So why tell him?