What do I do about a clingy and constantly horny boyfriend?

[Alex4.0]

I am at a complete loss, my long-distance boyfriend WILL NOT leave me alone for even a second, even when he’s at work, and he CONSTANTLY has anxiety and panic attacks when I don’t respond to him IMMEDIATELY or call him as soon as I possibly can. I understand he has mild autism that was very recently diagnosed, but that shouldn’t warrant him to demand that I give him attention literally 24/7 as well as demand that I do whatever he wants while I suffer the consequences (I live with my abusive father and if I don’t comply with his demands I get verbally and mentally beaten). If I don’t give my boyfriend attention or do what he wants me to do right then and there, he either breaks down crying and brings up past mistakes I’ve made, essentially not allowing me to move on from them, or he starts a massive fight with me about how I “haven’t changed my toxic traits that he has tried to tell me I have” and whatnot. I try being honest with him about how his words and actions are hurting me BAD, but he fights back with “well your actions and words have hurt me worse!” and I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried just being friends with him, but he turned ALL of my friends against me because “he didn’t want his trauma to be repeated” even though he triggered EVERY SINGLE TRAUMATIC MEMORY for me. He’s even told me he doesn’t think I should HAVE to get mental help for my own issues because “I have him and he should be enough”.

 

There have been nights where I want to go to bed because I do not feel well and he demands that I stay up and help him “get off” because something I did got him hard. I can’t tell him “no” or he starts yelling at me saying how I’m not there for him or some crap like that. It’s become such a big issue that I lose sleep now from it because he keeps me up so late.

 

 

I’m at a loss and I am looking for advice on what to do, because I can’t keep going on like this.

Edited January 21 by Alex4.0
Forgot to type content

[Capricorn3]

9 minutes ago, Alex4.0 said:

I’m at a loss and I am looking for advice on what to do, because I can’t keep going on like this.

^ There's your answer.  Not only you can't keep going on like this, but you shouldn't .  You have more than enough reasons to end this toxic and dysfunctional "relationship".  I can't for the life of me understand why you are still with him in the first place.  It sounds like he needs professional help and the sooner he gets himself sorted out the better.

Meantime, for your own mental health, end this once and for all.  You can do a lot better, preferably with someone who lives locally and in real life.  Choice is yours.  If you choose to stay, that's on you.

[1a1a]

Dump him. 
 

Dump him, dump him, dump him, nothing about this is salvageable!

 

(But if you want to do due diligence and try and investigate if it is, you draw a hard boundary about being denied sleep for his sexual gratification. Never again. Hang up the phone. Turn it off until morning.
 

And, sit down when you’re both calm and both of you take a sheet of paper each and write down everything you can think of for the following 4 columns; things I love about this relationship. Things I think my partner loves about this relationship. Things I struggle with in this relationship. Things I think my partner struggles with in this relationship. Then compare notes. In the struggle columns, are they issues that you can both resolve with compromise or does one of you have to hurt yourself to make the other one happy? If the latter, you’re incompatible, dump him.)

[Rose Mosse]

Don’t continue. Let him go. Your boyfriend is abusive and controlling.

Spend some time with yourself instead and leave to live on your own. You mentioned living with an abusive parent. Don’t keep repeating the same mistakes in all your relationships.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex4.0 said:

I am at a complete loss, my . I can’t tell him “no” or he starts yelling at me 

Have you met in person? Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Ask yourself why you got involved with this nutjob. There was no reason to. 

You're not a free sexcam or sexchat worker so ask yourself what are you doing and why.

[Seraphim]

He is being abusive and you need to break up . 

[MissCanuck]

End this relationship before the sun goes down today. 

He is an abuser. End of. 

[Lambert]

How old are you? 

You need to get both these toxic men out of your life.

That is the only answer.  Are you willing to do this? 

We can give you advice all day but you have to change your situation and leave toxic people. Even if it means they're mad and they turn others against you.  because anyone that turns on you, wasn't for you anyway. 

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, Alex4.0 said:

I am at a complete loss, my long-distance boyfriend WILL NOT leave me alone for even a second, even when he’s at work, and he CONSTANTLY has anxiety and panic attacks when I don’t respond to him IMMEDIATELY or call him as soon as I possibly can. I understand he has mild autism that was very recently diagnosed, but that shouldn’t warrant him to demand that I give him attention literally 24/7 as well as demand that I do whatever he wants while I suffer the consequences (I live with my abusive father and if I don’t comply with his demands I get verbally and mentally beaten). If I don’t give my boyfriend attention or do what he wants me to do right then and there, he either breaks down crying and brings up past mistakes I’ve made, essentially not allowing me to move on from them, or he starts a massive fight with me about how I “haven’t changed my toxic traits that he has tried to tell me I have” and whatnot. I try being honest with him about how his words and actions are hurting me BAD, but he fights back with “well your actions and words have hurt me worse!” and I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried just being friends with him, but he turned ALL of my friends against me because “he didn’t want his trauma to be repeated” even though he triggered EVERY SINGLE TRAUMATIC MEMORY for me. He’s even told me he doesn’t think I should HAVE to get mental help for my own issues because “I have him and he should be enough”.

 

There have been nights where I want to go to bed because I do not feel well and he demands that I stay up and help him “get off” because something I did got him hard. I can’t tell him “no” or he starts yelling at me saying how I’m not there for him or some crap like that. It’s become such a big issue that I lose sleep now from it because he keeps me up so late.

 

 

I’m at a loss and I am looking for advice on what to do, because I can’t keep going on like this.

Dump him. 

Dump him now, and do not look back.

You're not his therapist,  his mother, or his punching bag.

He is toxic and it's not going to change.

Save yourself and tell him you're not taking it anymore. As for his anxiety, tell him to go find a counsellor who will help him work through it and end conversation.

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, Alex4.0 said:

help him “get off” because something I did got him hard

Straight out manipulation, bordering on rape.

He's disgusting.

[Coily]

Luckily he's long-distance so that give you some easier ways to end the relationship.

He's a scumbag who will undoubtedly be far worse than your father. When he uses your past as weapons to bludgeon you into submission, this manipulation speaks of his willingness to do anything to control you. You need to end this relationship and work on getting yourself into a better place, also if/when you are able you need to distance yourself from your father.

OP best of luck making this difficult move, but in the long run you will have your head held high and be able to establish healthy boundaries in future.

Sherry this isn't rape; but rather sexual exploitation or abuse. Sorry it's a pet peeve of mine when that most horrific of acts is thrown around casually.

[boltnrun]

Is this an online only "relationship"? If so, it's easy to stop. Just remove him from any and all means of contacting you. He will survive.

[reinventmyself]

8 hours ago, Alex4.0 said:

 (I live with my abusive father and if I don’t comply with his demands I get verbally and mentally beaten). 

We are attracted to what's familiar.  You father has set the tone on how you can expect to be treated and you then find yourself in equally toxic situations.

Relationships should enrich your life.  Not drag you down and cause you to feel further abused.  End this relationship and stop this cycle.  Reconsider your relationship with your father, distance yourself from both of these men and consider therapy if you haven't already.

Edited January 21 by reinventmyself

[Alex4.0]

10 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

It sounds like he needs professional help and the sooner he gets himself sorted out the better.

See, I’ve even told him he needs professional help because his constant demands for me to be there for him is hurting me mentally and physically, and all he has to say about it is “what about you and your toxic a*s?!” 

He degrades me a LOT when he snaps (which is literally every day now) and now he’s decided that when I try to help him get off just so I can be able to get an hour of sleep afterwards, he can degrade me then, too. 
 

I’ve gotten to a point where anytime he goes to work, I put my phone on silent and fight to take care of myself while suffering the consequences of ignoring him afterwards.

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Alex4.0 said:

See, I’ve even told him he needs professional help because his constant demands for me to be there for him is hurting me mentally and physically, and all he has to say about it is “what about you and your toxic a*s?!” 

He degrades me a LOT when he snaps (which is literally every day now) and now he’s decided that when I try to help him get off just so I can be able to get an hour of sleep afterwards, he can degrade me then, too. 
 

I’ve gotten to a point where anytime he goes to work, I put my phone on silent and fight to take care of myself while suffering the consequences of ignoring him afterwards.

Is this an in person relationship or is it online only?

There's a big difference.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Alex4.0 said:

I live with my abusive father and if I don’t comply with his demands I get verbally and mentally beaten

Sorry this is happening. Where is your mother? Are you still in school/college? Do you have a job?

Talk to trusted friends and other trusted (not his family) relatives and trusted adults. Call a domestic violence hotline and explain the situation (if you are over18) or CPS if you are under 18.

You seem to be conflating this abusive distance creep with your father. You can simply delete and block this creep. You do not have to put up with this. Set all your social media setting to private so he can not contact you. It's that simple.

This creep is not the answer to your turbulent home environment.

 As far as your father, depending on your age you have several alternatives.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Alex4.0 said:

See, I’ve even told him he needs professional help because his constant demands for me to be there for him is hurting me mentally and physically, and all he has to say about it is “what about you and your toxic a*s?!” 

This is where you stop trying to convince him to get help and just remove yourself from this situation. 

As in, cut all contact. Permanently. 

[indea08]

I’m so sorry honey, but this is abuse. I do not take that word lightly, but there’s no way around it in your situation. Block this guys number and never look back.
 

Reach out to some resources in your area and heal yourself before attempting dating again.

God bless.

[Alex4.0]

11 hours ago, Coily said:

Sherry this isn't rape; but rather sexual exploitation or abuse.

well, I recently was raped, by another guy that I thought I could trust; but when I tried to tell my boyfriend about it, he started telling me that his inferiority complex worsened because this other guy “took what was supposed to be his” and started basically telling me (without actually saying it) how I was going to have to get over that trauma plus trauma with trusting people alone because I had to help him fix his inferiority complex and “trauma” that this guy “gave him” (despite having NEVER spoken to him) just because I got raped and had the most valuable thing I was trying to preserve taken from me.

[Seraphim]

42 minutes ago, Alex4.0 said:

well, I recently was raped, by another guy that I thought I could trust; but when I tried to tell my boyfriend about it, he started telling me that his inferiority complex worsened because this other guy “took what was supposed to be his” and started basically telling me (without actually saying it) how I was going to have to get over that trauma plus trauma with trusting people alone because I had to help him fix his inferiority complex and “trauma” that this guy “gave him” (despite having NEVER spoken to him) just because I got raped and had the most valuable thing I was trying to preserve taken from me.

You are going to need extensive trauma therapy . All these toxic people must go. Your dad, the bf, you have been set up to think these people and relationships are normal. You are at very high risk of having the same relationships over and over if you don’t receive trauma therapy. 

[Alex4.0]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You are going to need extensive trauma therapy

see, I know I need trauma therapy, yet when I try to bring it up with either my father or my boyfriend, they both snap at me and basically say “I don’t need it because of [insert crappy reason here]”. My mental state has gotten to a point that I now refuse to leave my room unless absolutely necessary, and I WILL NOT interact with people because I am too scared and drained to. It doesn’t help I have major social anxiety, too.

 

Whats worse is I know my worsening mental health is starting to seriously affect my brain itself, because I get major dizzy spells and feel like half my head is filled with air when I’m in a stressful situation, even a mildly stressful situation. I can hardly work at a job without getting faint or almost collapsing because of the stressors that make my head start spinning or getting airy.

[Seraphim]

Just now, Alex4.0 said:

see, I know I need trauma therapy, yet when I try to bring it up with either my father or my boyfriend, they both snap at me and basically say “I don’t need it because of [insert crappy reason here]”. My mental state has gotten to a point that I now refuse to leave my room unless absolutely necessary, and I WILL NOT interact with people because I am too scared and drained to. It doesn’t help I have major social anxiety, too.

 

Whats worse is I know my worsening mental health is starting to seriously affect my brain itself, because I get major dizzy spells and feel like half my head is filled with air when I’m in a stressful situation, even a mildly stressful situation. I can hardly work at a job without getting faint or almost collapsing because of the stressors that make my head start spinning or getting airy.

Are you of an age where you can contact your doctor yourself and tell them you must be seen. 
Forget this boyfriend cut him off like this moment. 

[Alex4.0]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Are you of an age where you can contact your doctor yourself and tell them you must be seen. 
Forget this boyfriend cut him off like this moment. 

I’m 21, and I’ve been struggling to get in contact with my doctor behind my fathers back, as I have no vehicle of my own and have to use his old SUV. 

[Seraphim]

You can also call a rape crisis line . 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex4.0 said:

I’m 21, and I’ve been struggling to get in contact with my doctor behind my fathers back, as I have no vehicle of my own and have to use his old SUV. 

You can call a rape crisis line. You can also leave home and go to a domestic abuse shelter.