Work Crush

[Confused102938]

I have developed feelings for someone at work, and I feel like it's getting out of hand. I have been having marital issues, but we are still together and want to keep working on it (we have a young child together). I feel like it's impossible to give my marriage the best chance while I still work in my current job, but i also have no friends around here other than my coworkers, and no family here either. So I am reluctant to leave all those I consider a sort of support system (yes you can keep in contact but it often doesn't happen or it's not the same anyway). Has anyone been through something like this? Thanks!

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, Confused102938 said:

I have developed feelings for someone at work, and I feel like it's getting out of hand.

Have you got involved with this person? Physically? Meeting up with them outside of work?

[Coily]

If you care about your marriage then you need to push for keeping it whole. Running around with co-workers, especially if you have a crush on one, will further shred your marriage.

[Confused102938]

 

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Have you got involved with this person? Physically? Meeting up with them outside of work?

No. We are both married. I think it's reciprocated but would be inappropriate for either of us to act on it. Also this person is in a management position. I feel like we are both just feeling awkward about it. 

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Confused102938 said:

 

No. We are both married. I think it's reciprocated but would be inappropriate for either of us to act on it. Also this person is in a management position. I feel like we are both just feeling awkward about it. 

Time for you to look for another job.  YOU have the power to change this by NOT reacting and backing off. No flirting. No encouraging. No messaging/texting etc. ALL of which is inappropriate. Work is a place to work, not get involved with married managers/colleagues.

You have a child. Do you really want to the the cause of two broken homes/marriages? be prepared for a very very messy life if you continue down this road.  Best to try marriage counseling and try to fix what is broke in your own marriage.

Always remember, the grass is only greener on the other side because there's more manure there.  Your choice.

[Confused102938]

13 minutes ago, Coily said:

If you care about your marriage then you need to push for keeping it whole. Running around with co-workers, especially if you have a crush on one, will further shred your marriage.

Thanks - I'm not running around with anyone. Most are people I'd consider friends. Just this one causing issues. Well, I'm the one causing the issues with them. But nothing has happened. 

[Confused102938]

8 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Time for you to look for another job.  YOU have the power to change this by NOT reacting and backing off. No flirting. No encouraging. No messaging/texting etc. ALL of which is inappropriate. Work is a place to work, not get involved with married managers/colleagues.

You have a child. Do you really want to the the cause of two broken homes/marriages? be prepared for a very very messy life if you continue down this road.  Best to try marriage counseling and try to fix what is broke in your own marriage.

Always remember, the grass is only greener on the other side because there's more manure there.  Your choice.

Thank you. 

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, Confused102938 said:

Just this one causing issues. Well, I'm the one causing the issues with them. But nothing has happened. 

There ya go.  Nothing has happened ... YET.  YOU need to back off and stay off.  How would you like it if your husband was doing this behind your back? How would that make you feel?

[boltnrun]

What "marital issues" are you having? What are you doing to work on those issues? Counseling? 

I agree with leaving this job if you believe you would act on these feelings if you were given the opportunity.

[Confused102938]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What "marital issues" are you having? What are you doing to work on those issues? Counseling? 

I agree with leaving this job if you believe you would act on these feelings if you were given the opportunity.

We are having individual counseling at the moment, with hopes of couples counseling down the line. 

I don't feel like either of us would act on them given the situation, but it's causing me problems emotionally having to deal with these feelings on a daily basis. My only hesitation is leaving my other coworkers. But I know you're right. 

[Capricorn3]

45 minutes ago, Confused102938 said:

 My only hesitation is leaving my other coworkers.

Don't concern yourself over the coworkers. They will live.  Focus your concern over your child and sorting out your own marriage.  You'll thank yourself down the line.

[Rose Mosse]

Please do not just up and leave without a plan or another position lined up. Be prudent and cautious about that as you have a family. 

You’re letting your emotions dictate what you do and it’s never a good idea. Decide if you’re committed to your marriage and wife and make that decision. No coworker or crush will get in the way of that once you make up your mind. You can switch jobs and another nice person will be a distraction. It’s all in your mind. 

If you feel there’s a good opportunity and reason to leave, better pay, more benefits etc then do so. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Confused102938 said:

Thanks - I'm not running around with anyone. Most are people I'd consider friends. Just this one causing issues. Well, I'm the one causing the issues with them. But nothing has happened. 

What issues are you causing?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Confused102938 said:

I have developed feelings for someone at work, and I feel like it's getting out of hand. I have been having marital issues.

How long have you been married? What are the marital problems?

What do you mean by "getting out of hand"? Are you telling a coworker you're unhappily married in anticipation of an affair?

Or are you in an obsessional fantasyland to avoid dealing with the marital problems?

Stop talking to co-workers about your personal life. If you think this is sexual harassment because of the management position, report it.

Stay away from the trite and tawdry "my spouse doesn't understand me, we're like roommates" BS. Especially at work.

See a physician about your physical and mental health including depression anxiety and overall wellbeing.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist and confide in a professional about your marital issues.

Also seek support from trusted friends and family. Why are you isolated?

[Andrina]

You allowed yourself to enter into an emotional affair, since your emotional connection with your husband is lacking.

You do have power over your behavior and how you think. Especially with a co-worker you would definitely want to date if you were single, you do NOT: go to coffee or lunch with them, share digits for personal texting, meet outside of work, stop at his desk for chats about personal life, dress to look good for him, invite his attention and let him linger at your desk for flirting. 

If all that is going on, you can make that stop. Tell yourself, "He's just another co-worker." If he asks why you've changed toward him, take him aside and explain how you've let yourself behave inappropriately with him, and it has to stop because you're working on your marriage. If he stops at your desk to chat, cut it short and tell him you have to get back to work. 

Stop using work as your sole social outlet. Look into meet up. com groups in your area to meet other women: book discussion groups, Mommy and Me meet ups, pottery or painting classes--whatever you would enjoy.

And then start paying attention to your husband. The best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own. Get the massage oil out and give him a foot or back rub. And I don't mean this to lead to intimacy. It's just showing care to a partner. Write a note on what you appreciate about him. Do something on a date night/day you two have never tried before.

When he sees your efforts, he will likely put forth some of his own. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[reinventmyself]

I recall when my marriage was failing I was vulnerable to crushing on someone.  My son's teacher, some singer in a band.  You name it.  Looking back it seems silly.  There really wasn't any validity in these crushes.  But when you feel alone in your marriage these things we do to occupy our imagination give us some comfort, in a not so healthy way.

If you aren't going to quit your job, consider some marriage counseling or counseling for yourself.  

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, Confused102938 said:

I have developed feelings for someone at work, and I feel like it's getting out of hand. I have been having marital issues, but we are still together and want to keep working on it

No good at all...

1) you two are already involved

2) this is your work place, so professional place - not personal.

Why even think on making anything there any more awkward or challenging?

As mentioned, you may be looking to 'reach out' more at this time, due to your personal issue's, but looking to seek support or lean on one of the opposite sex, is a no,

IF your marriage matters this much, you will find a way.

You respectfully back off, totally.  Work through those 'crush' feelings and get over it.  No expectations.

Not sure how long you've been there- to not have any actual 'friends' but may be a good idea to get out there & find a few? ( how about friends elsewhere?  Can't say you don't have any).

 

 

[catfeeder]

You can form crushes in another workplace, too. So speaking only for myself, it's never made sense for me to believe myself powerless over my own focus and allow a crush to dictate my professional life.

If I want to be honest, I ALONE own the power to avoid conflating any given workplace with my personal life. I'M the one who is in charge of the lens through which I'd only find another crush somewhere else unless I can address the issues that cause the behavior. 

I started observing my myself and my motivations through a more objective lens: Was I finding ways to get closer to this crush? I fessed up and nixed those.

What concerted efforts could I make to develop friendships and interests outside of the workplace? In your case, could you ask spouse to work with you to find other couples in your neighborhood to befriend and enjoy? Could you join a cause, a club, a parent's group, or another form of social commitment where you develop confidence in your self discipline and what you model for others--including your children?

I'd also join couples counseling right away, and if the counselor didn't assign us homework to pursue happier, more social and more productive couple activities, I'd join with partner to assign those to ourselves--OR I'd find a better counselor.

Healing is not for spectators, it requires our participation. We are less susceptible to forming crushes when we avoid the kind of passivity that seeks out a 'rescue'.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[boltnrun]

One thing that helps me is to think about the kind of person I want to be.  And the kind of role model I want to be for my kids.

Do I want to be the kind of person who lies, sneaks around, and has extramarital relationships?  Would I want my kids to know about my behavior if I chose to do any of those things?  Or do I want to be a person of honesty and integrity?

Feelings can exist without actions. It's all about choices. 

[smackie9]

Ya it's hard because you see them 8+ hours a day. Workplace bonding is common and since you feel alone in your marriage, you have someone there everyday to give you attention you so crave. It's new, thrilling and can be intoxicating. At least you recognize it as something dangerous to your marriage. That's the first step..acknowledgement. Next step to take: Since you have no family/friends to occupy your time with, I suggest you find a hobby or an interest. Something you can do with your wife possibly, or something that is creative, something you can look forward to doing after work. You need to add something to your life that gives you some fulfillment/joy.

[idks3lf]

incorrectly commenting here

[Cherylyn]

Do things in order.  Work on your marriage, go to marriage counseling and if that fails, separate, divorce or whatever.  Pay child support. 

Then if you wish, start friendship with your co-worker, establish a good rapport, meet for lunch, etc.  Generally, it's safer to treat your co-worker as a co-worker because if a relationship fails, then it's extremely awkward to face this co-worker all the time.  It's uncomfortable for both of you.

There are other ways to meet people outside places of employment. 

Don't develop interests and feelings for others while still married.  Take care of everything in order.  Set your priorities straight.  Focus on your young child first, too.