Boyfriends sister is super strange about us

[Sammygirl24]

This is a bit of a story, but any advice or input would help me so much. 

my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and in the beginning me and his sister got along fine. We weren’t super close but got along good. After about 6 months (summer) she wanted to go to the beach and do things with me, and I was super excited cuz all my past relationships have been toxic and I was excited to finally have an in law. I started a new job and wasn’t available as much, and one day she just stopped asking me to hang out. 

after a couple of months of only seeing her around the property, we ended up going to a local bar with other friends. When we were alone; she told me when my bf and I first met on a dating app, that he was stuck between me and another girl and only Chose me because the other girl changed her mind. Of course I immediately called my boyfriend and as soon as I dialed, her back peddling began. My bf told the truth. He was talking to a girl with that name, a year before we Met, and they only spoke a couple of Times. The situation was let go because she was drunk and denied malicious intent. 
 

6 months later I was spending the night at my boyfriends house, we would have beeN together for a year and a half at this point. I open the drawer ive been using since the beginning of our relationship, to find underwear that doesn’t belong to me. I’m shock, all I said was these aren’t mine and left the room. My boyfriend gets up, and walks out the door. I didn’t know what was going on. When he gets back his mom is with him, and he’s clearly upset/sad/angry, and asks her if he was over to his house (neighbours) and accidentally put them there. She said no but confirmed that they were 100% his sister cuz she saw them in the wash recently. She has no idea how they made it next door, into my drawer. And of course, the sister denies it. 
 

ove this past summer I got her a job with me, since the pandemic work has been tough, and even after everything she put me through, when she asked if I could get her an interview I did. After she got the job she repaid me by talking ill of my to my coworkers (one being my cousin) and telling me the bosses were saying I was too slow at the job and I was the worst employee. She only did it to turn my self esteem. 
 

iF you’ve made it this far, im So sorry for the length. So much has happened. This last part is the most recent tho. 
 

one night she came over and was just hanging out when she asked my bf if she could spend the night on the couch. No big deal. Before anyone could say anything in response she said “if you guys wanna *** it’s okay I don’t mind listening”. as someone with siblings this completely mind blew me and my bf. He just said no. And to go back to their parents. My boyfriend found it weird and says he spoke to her and she just wasn’t thinking before she spoke.

he has since kinda just pushed it aside and forgot about it, but it still sits weird with me. When we’re at family meals i sometimes see her licking her fingers and staring at him, idk if it’s supposed to be a childish joke or something a little darker. She has no boundaries. 
 

We plan to move in together within the next couple of years. And I’m scared of what’s going to happen. My boyfriend says there will be boundaries and he won’t let me be uncomfortable especially in my own home, but I feel guilty since the family is so close knit and as of now if she wants to come over she can just barge in. And scared of her reaction when those boundaries are put in place and she can’t just invade whenever she wants. 
 

thanks for reading. I’m just wondering what other people would do if they were me, or my advice on maybe what her deal is. Cuz my mind as been over ever scenario, and i mean every single one.

 

[Batya33]

Does she have mental health issues? Are they biological siblings? Has she been sexually abused or any issues relating to incest? It does seem very unusual. Also don't worry about her boundaries and resist judging his family.  Worry about his boundaries -if he promises you won't have to interact with her and that she won't have free rein to come over that's fine -that's on him.  You will have to interact with her at some points but not in your own home if that's what is promised.

[Sammygirl24]

Mental health issues for sure. I’m not sure about any official diagnosis since my bf isn’t even sure, but there’s talk of possible split personality (idk if that an outdated term, I’m sorry if so and correct me please if I’m wrong) along with depression. From our knowledge there is no sexual abuse, but trauma from absent busy parents and a lot of loss at a young age (grandparents, uncle, etc) my bf just ignores her antics cuz he finds it all annoying, and my sadness and pain makes him angry (not at me) and he doesn’t like to get angry. She’s always gotten away with everything (she younger) and trying to talk to her about anything only makes her shut down. She refuses to go back to therapy 

[Lambert]

I don't really know what you can actually do other than change yourself. 

You can't change or control another person. Regardless of their mental health or reason for their behavior. 

What you can do is create the boundaries now.  You can't always control who you have to interact with. But you can decide you don't like someone, especially the way she's treated you. You can be cordial and polite but stop going above and beyond for her. She is burning bridges with you and that's her choice. 

I would not help her in her career again. And I would talk to your boyfriend about how to handle this because the boundaries to his house, have to come from him.  He should stop allowing her to just walk in now. 

To wait for you to move in, makes you the enemy and cause of the boundaries. You have to be careful that you don't become the target. 

If your boyfriend doesn't back you up now, with his actions to her, you should seriously consider what you are marrying into... I mean really this is your life. and when you bring kids, your side of the family into it. why bother with a loon? If it's going to be a constant battle with your husband having no back bone?

Not saying that's he is.... but you really have to consider situations for what they are, not what they could be. 

Expect more from your boyfriend. His anger means nothing if he doesn't act.

[Sammygirl24]

I may not have worded it the best but he has brought up the things she’s done to her. She shuts down, and he has already told her that she can’t just barge in anymore. It helps that at the moment she’s not living on the property anymore. She used to be allowed to go in when he wasn’t home as well, but he changed the locks. And I explained to my boyfriend the job was the last thing I was doing for her and he understands. From our discussions he’s trying to keep peace with her for the time being, since the property he currently lives on it was we will be buying from his parents. He doesn’t have the support of his parents to distance like he wants. He does back me up and he wants the same thing as me. Just with him still on the property with his parents and them being tired of the whole thing, kinda ties his hands for now. He broke down once (the man rarely ever cries) and said hes tempted to just up and leave it all behind because he’s fed up too. And he tells me the same thing. Worry about the now and not the future. I’m just scared of his parents turning resentment to me for some reason. 

[DancingFool]

As others pointed out, his sister isn't going to change and she has issues that aren't going to be cured even if she were to get diagnosed and seek treatment and therapy. Problem with all mental health issues is that nobody can force a person to seek help, take meds, keep up with treatment and the worst part is that usually the person who is ill doesn't feel abnormal and in need of those things. It's the family and friends and those around them that really pay the price dealing with the instability and other issues that come up.

What concerns me personally is that she has fixated already on you being the enemy and that she is not only highly vindictive but actually willing to take action to cause you damage and has done so. In other words, she is dangerous and who knows how far she may take that in the future.

In that respect, your bf is actually correct that the best thing would be for you two to step out of this family thing and move far away. Put in very real distance between you and them. That's the only realistic boundary that will stick and bring you both relative peace. So in your shoes, I'd actually talk about that more seriously with him before you tie your life into this mess.

Meanwhile, you need to step way back and stop trying to please her or be nice to her. Start being very neutral and watch your back. She is not your friend, she is a person who is actively trying to harm you.

[reinventmyself]

Any reason why you two can't find a place that is separate from his family?

Setting boundaries when you aren't used to doing so can be uncomfortable in the beginning.  Those on the receiving end often don't like them and will test them to see how committed.  Learn to expect it.  It will likely get a little rough before it gets better.

[smackie9]

Ya the only way to avoid this is to move off the property and get your own place that takes some driving to get to. An apartment would be ideal because she can't just barge in. I think that would be a good deterrent and solve a lot of the issues. If you make it difficult for her to get to you, she will give up.

[Lambert]

51 minutes ago, EllieD said:

Just with him still on the property with his parents and them being tired of the whole thing, kinda ties his hands for now. 

Be weary of this, if it becomes his excuse for doing nothing.

It is a choice to live so close, to buy property from the parents. Yes, you own it, but their oversight and involvement is very close. 

I agree with the others, you need to move farther away to set the boundaries.

I would really think carefully about all this and moving forward. 

Yes, when you marry the person, you marry their family. but each spouse  becomes the main and bigger priority. Make sure you are on the same page.  And also that moving in together is a progression in the level of both of your commitment.

Read posts here and you will find many people think moving in was the next step, while the other person thought it was just convenient and did not mean deeper commitment.

Talk all scenarios out. And make sure you're on the same page.  Do not get trapped into a situation you don't like but hoped it would get better. 

This will only get worse. So make sure you agree on things and where you stand. Especially over the parents. 

I have friends with family wealth and it's great from the outside. Look deeper and it's a nightmare.  Grown, middle aged people asking permission from their parents.  ugh!

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, EllieD said:

We plan to move in together within the next couple of years. My boyfriend says there will be boundaries and he won’t let me be uncomfortable especially in my own home

It's ok to distance yourself from her. Delete and block her from ALL your social media and messaging apps. She seems like the bratty little sister. Just be polite, uninvolved and unemotional.

Make sure you have your own friends to hang out with, your own ties to your own family, your own interests hobbies and activities.

At gatherings in her own family home she can act however she wants. You're the guest and can't control that.

 Ignore her if she's looking for drama by acting out or stirring the pot. Your relationship is with your BF, not her.

For example freaking out over her idiotic remark about dating apps. She does this for attention and drama. Don't feed the beast by giving her this much attention or headspace.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, EllieD said:

as of now if she wants to come over she can just barge in.

First, don't move in with him until he's completely put a stop to this. From your description of her, she sounds a little whacked. But your boyfriend needs to have better boundaries with her. Her barging in has to stop completely, and for a significant period of time (like forever). Don't fool yourself about this, or you'll be stuck with her running your house.

3 hours ago, EllieD said:

even after everything she put me through, when she asked if I could get her an interview I did.

Second, I hope you never do anything like this again. If someone acts like a psycho towards you, it's not the time to demonstrate your magnanimity. 

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, Sammygirl24 said:

From our discussions he’s trying to keep peace with her for the time being, since the property he currently lives on it was we will be buying from his parents. He doesn’t have the support of his parents to distance like he wants.

Some families are too close, such as what I'm suspecting reading this. There's no damn way I'd agree to moving within a stone's throw to my parents, his parents, or other relatives at this young age when you're venturing out on your own and forming an adult life. Of course, it's great to be close to family, but in some cases, some parents instill these expectations into a child that even when grown, the parents will demand physical proximity and never give up control.

As you can see, your bf already shows how he's influenced by his parents on how he handles his sister. He kowtows to their wishes.

Always assume how things are in the present will not change for the better in the future. That's naive, wishful thinking.

What would happen if he told his parents he doesn't want to purchase a property on theirs? Will they berate him?

You should realize this might mean you will never be the priority you should be as the partner of your significant other. Does his parents' opinion always override yours in unreasonable ways?

Be very cautious about setting yourself up for a lifetime of miserable family dynamics if he's under his family's thumb.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Some families are too close, such as what I'm suspecting reading this. There's no damn way I'd agree to moving within a stone's throw to my parents, his parents, or other relatives at this young age when you're venturing out on your own and forming an adult life. Of course, it's great to be close to family, but in some cases, some parents instill these expectations into a child that even when grown, the parents will demand physical proximity and never give up control.

As you can see, your bf already shows how he's influenced by his parents on how he handles his sister. He kowtows to their wishes.

Always assume how things are in the present will not change for the better in the future. That's naive, wishful thinking.

What would happen if he told his parents he doesn't want to purchase a property on theirs? Will they berate him?

You should realize this might mean you will never be the priority you should be as the partner of your significant other. Does his parents' opinion always override yours in unreasonable ways?

Be very cautious about setting yourself up for a lifetime of miserable family dynamics if he's under his family's thumb.

Well said! 

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Lambert and Andrina.

Its a good time for you to really think seriously about what you want in a long term partner and relationship. What you see now is a good indicator of the dynamic you can expect. Do not pin hopes on it changing. Your partner is a grown man and if he is bending to family now, that's how you can reasonably expect him to behave going forward. 

Now honestly, I've left a relationship where I really was compatible with the person on a lot of things, but I felt he was much too tied to what his family wanted of him. You can say it's cultural or whatever else, but bottom line was I was looking for someone who wouldn't be all on top of his family and other way around. I'm rather fiercely independent and wanted a match in that regard, it was and is important to me. 

You are already worrying about what if the family resents you for boundaries. Never mind that, what about You?! Would you resent him and them if you stay, move in with him, maybe one day marry and/or have kids, and his family is still this way? Because people can cry, but if they aren't moving on that with action, it's just reaction. It doesn't mean much at the end of the day. 

That man I broke up with long ago... He's married now, his mother lives with them, her sister and kids live with them. He's a nice person but damn, I am very happy I made the choice I did. We would not have worked. 

Just think of potential outcomes and if you could be happy. Is it what you truly want for yourself? Do you want to live on his families property with him when he buys it? Etc. 

Good luck. 

[Cherylyn]

She is definitely mentally sick.  I agree with others.  You can't change her.  She is who she is.  The only change comes from YOU.  You're the one who has to enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  Learn to avoid her, learn to greatly reduce interacting with her and steer clear.  Your boyfriend's sister is nothing but trouble.  She's shady and you can't trust her EVER.

You have a better heart than I do.  I wouldn't have helped her get a job at your workplace.  She's a back stabber. 

At work, remain professional, respectful, peaceful yet cool and distant.  Concentrate on your job and do the best you can always. 

Outside work, remain polite, cool and maintain a safe, frosty distance. 

Your boyfriend's sister is tricky.  Beware. 

[catfeeder]

Sister is not the problem, she's just it's loudest representative.

Love is never enough when it comes to someone who is overly enmeshed in a sick family dynamic.

This doesn't automatically mean that this guy won't break free, but I'd hold off on any future investment until he demo's the backbone to do so--and he follows through, successfully.

Does he also work in a family business?

What does BF view as the advantages to buying family property as opposed to any other property?

Red flag: if it's all about making 'them' happy, I'd rethink how involved I'd want to remain.

How would you feel about committing yourself to living with this guy if he chooses to go ahead and buy this family home?