Partner spending part of Christmas with ex - am I being selfish

[Smileandbehappy]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together a few years. He has one child , a daughter, who is 23. I do not have any children.  

Christmas day this year my Partner will be working. I will see him when he gets home from work. His daughter is going to her mums for Xmas day dinner.

We had planned to see all my partners  family, including his daughter, boxing day at his mums house. However,  his daughter has just told him she wants to have boxing day at her house and invite all the family round- this includes his ex and all his exs family. 

Whilst I have absolutely no problems with his ex, I don't particularly want to spend boxing day with her and her family. In all honesty, I feel slightly awkward about it.  I have told my partner I have and will always be happy to attend other events for his daughter, when we are all together, such as graduation, birthdays etc However I feel Christmas is slightly different. I don't want to start spending Christmases with his ex and her family. In past years it has always been the case that his daughter would see mum one day and dad the next and alternate between Xmas day and boxing day each year and this has always worked well.

I have said to my partner that I would be happier if he went alone boxing day and I caught up with some of my family I wouldn't otherwise get to see over the Xmas period. My partner said that I'm being ridiculous and by not supporting him that's not a proper relationship.  However I feel I am supportive, I would always encourage him to put his daughter first, as he always has.  I just wish he could accept I do not feel 100 percent comfortable in that situation and would prefer not to go.

Am I being selfish? Is it wrong of me to not want to go?! Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thank you 😊

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Smileandbehappy said:

  I would be happier if he went alone boxing day and I caught up with some of my family I wouldn't otherwise get to see over the Xmas period.  

Excellent idea. You spend it with your family and he spends it with his daughter and her family.

Stop getting into arguments about you're ok with that but not this etc.

Stop harping on the ex. The invitation is from his daughter and these are her family, not your personal enemies.

Don't fall into the joined at the hip trap on holidays especially when there are kids from previous marriages.

[DancingFool]

4 hours ago, Smileandbehappy said:

However,  his daughter has just told him she wants to have boxing day at her house and invite all the family round- this includes his ex and all his exs family. 

So his daughter is an adult and wants to have a big family Christmas party with everyone at her place. This isn't about spending time with the ex, this is about his daughter who considers you part of the family inviting you as such.

Yes, I think you are being selfish if you decline to attend because you are snubbing his daughter quite directly and creating drama about nothing. When you are in a relationship, there will be times where you have to suck it up and deal with their family. It's part of the package. This is one of those times where you need to suck it up. Snubbing his daughter's party can potentially lead to long term issues for you.

 

[Seraphim]

If she is an adult with her own place now she will stop doing the separate days for everyone. She figures everyone can get along for a few hours on Christmas. 

[reinventmyself]

My ex is not my favorite person, but for the sake of the kids, my boyfriend and extended family I am happy that we can all rise above our egos and enjoy holiday functions together.  We've done it a few times and it ultimately ends up being a great time. 

I love the fact that there is no division, no animosity. I have actually become pretty good friends with my ex's girlfriend, because without this time together I wouldn't have the opportunity to get to know her.

If his ex's presence makes you uncomfortable, you can make your own plans.  For you to ask him to make the compromise and not see his family sends a dramatic message that will likely come back at you.

Challenge yourself to be bigger than this.  Remember, majority rules.  It appears that everyone else is ok with it.  

[Lambert]

my two cents... when you are in a relationship you accept all parts of your partner.

Part of having a partner is sharing holidays and events together- not separately.

Don't be surprised if at some point your guy decides he wants a partner in all areas.

This is his daughter's first Xmas at her place. the proper thing to do is to show up. Especially, if you want to be a part of the family. 

If it was the 2nd or 10th year, missing one is no big deal. But the first one? And the reason being you can't be an adult for a couple hours for the happiness of your partner's daughter and partner?

Selfish? yes. but I think the better word is immature. 

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? He has go stag and face his ex like a loser with a less than supportive partner. ugh. I would definitely be thinking I could find a better partner than that.

Go. Be the bigger person. Bring a beautiful floral arrangement or something special. Think of someone other than yourself. 

You might have fun. 

[melancholy123]

Can you muster the ability to go to her place for an hour or so?  Then leave and go to your family's event.  My MIL was a psycho *** from hell and I used to encounter arguments with my husband when I didnt want to go to events when she would be there as she was always nasty to me.  I got the usual - you are not supportive, my whole family will be there!  He knew how s he treated me but he didnt get it that she hurt me a lot!  So I'd go, and be really pissy about the whole thing.  In the end after a few yrs I told him no, I am not going, your mother is too nasty to me.  He eventually gave up hassling me about this.  He learned to go to things by himself.  He now admits. he understands why I felt like I did.

I say fake it if you can, but if you cant, then tell him no you are not going, and have a good time I'll see you when you get back.

[SherrySher]

16 hours ago, Smileandbehappy said:

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together a few years. He has one child , a daughter, who is 23. I do not have any children.  

Christmas day this year my Partner will be working. I will see him when he gets home from work. His daughter is going to her mums for Xmas day dinner.

We had planned to see all my partners  family, including his daughter, boxing day at his mums house. However,  his daughter has just told him she wants to have boxing day at her house and invite all the family round- this includes his ex and all his exs family. 

Whilst I have absolutely no problems with his ex, I don't particularly want to spend boxing day with her and her family. In all honesty, I feel slightly awkward about it.  I have told my partner I have and will always be happy to attend other events for his daughter, when we are all together, such as graduation, birthdays etc However I feel Christmas is slightly different. I don't want to start spending Christmases with his ex and her family. In past years it has always been the case that his daughter would see mum one day and dad the next and alternate between Xmas day and boxing day each year and this has always worked well.

I have said to my partner that I would be happier if he went alone boxing day and I caught up with some of my family I wouldn't otherwise get to see over the Xmas period. My partner said that I'm being ridiculous and by not supporting him that's not a proper relationship.  However I feel I am supportive, I would always encourage him to put his daughter first, as he always has.  I just wish he could accept I do not feel 100 percent comfortable in that situation and would prefer not to go.

Am I being selfish? Is it wrong of me to not want to go?! Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thank you 😊

I really doubt he feels comfortable with that situation too, but when you're a Father, and when you're the partner of the Father, you sometimes have to make sacrifices.

Your partner is correct, you are being selfish and not supportive, sending him out alone into a situation where it's less than ideal, but one he has to attend.

It is one day, and if you love this man, you would endure it, for his sake (not the daughters, not anyone else).

You are in a serious partnership now, and sometimes you have to do things such as this, where it's not what you want to do, but have to do. 

This is family, and this is what it's all about.

It won't hurt you, it may not be exactly what you want, but you should most definitely attend with your partner.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Your partner is a package deal.  Same with my husband because even though I'm not thrilled to be with my in-laws, I'm a good sport and attend various family gatherings especially during the holiday season.  Two major holidays for us are Thanksgiving in November and Christmas.  I'm relieved once January 2nd finally arrives!  

Take the high road and be the bigger person.  You can do it.  Even though it's awkward and uncomfortable for you, remain calm, pleasant, kind, polite, well mannered, peaceful yet maintain a safe distance.  If I can do it, so can you.  Keep the peace for everyone.  You don't have to go out of your way to be merry and jolly.  Just act natural, be quiet if you prefer and try to be nice without getting chummy.  It's called being a mature person. 

However, I don't attend every gathering.  I don't think you're selfish for declining.  There should be a compromise and you should be able to spend time with your relatives.  Your partner said you were selfish for not supporting him.  Isn't he "selfish" for not accompanying you to see your relatives? 

[Rose Mosse]

I'd be more curious about the instant recoil or discomfort not wanting to see or give this a try at least if you've not spent time with his daughter's mother or the other side of the family. The strong resistance suggests there may be room to explore and grow and change the way you think about these people. Have they ever slighted you or harmed you? If not where's the reaction coming from? Did your partner's relationship with his ex end badly? Has he told you bad things about his ex in the past? 

You're together now so this would be a test on whether you accept him, his past and all of his family. 

Think about it for a few days and see where you are at then.

[Jibralta]

23 hours ago, Smileandbehappy said:

I don't want to start spending Christmases with his ex and her family.

I get that you don't want to create a tradition out of this, but I think it's important that you go--especially this first time. Make the effort, be gracious. Then alternate spending Christmas with your family (or having a low key day, or whatever). A flat "no" is not going to serve you well.

[smackie9]

I know that people make compromises. You can embrace a new extended family which would only be like once or twice a year, or just bail out, and see your family instead, or alternate.

I get it you would feel the odd one out. So if you are not the type to make friends everywhere you go, don't bother going.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/20/2021 at 5:57 AM, Smileandbehappy said:

I have said to my partner that I would be happier if he went alone boxing day and I caught up with some of my family I wouldn't otherwise get to see over the Xmas period. My partner said that I'm being ridiculous and by not supporting him that's not a proper relationship. 

Don't get bullied into going by him. See your family. Once holidays become subpoenas rather than invitations it's downhill.

Do not forgo seeing your own loved ones. He's being completely selfish and manipulative with guilt trips about "supporting him".

His daughter is hosting her family, which includes all her family from both sides. Yes you would feel like an appendage, since you are not married or family at all. So don't buy into his "proper couple" nonsense. 

What's the point of Christmas if you'll sit there miserable and out of place. It's not as if you're his new wife and this is your stepdaughter. He just wants you to do what he wants, which is ignore that you have your own family and loved ones.

[tattoobunnie]

If his daughter isn't important to you, then bail on going.  But she sees you as family, and that's a big deal...so it's up to you on what you want to do.  If you are serious about your partner, go, and be in it for the long haul. If you are just dating, don't go.  If the ex is evil, I get it, but you get along. She chose your hubs and had their daughter, so she must be cool some how.

[Fudgie]

Wow, I'm feeling conflicted by this one. I admit, it's kind of a sore spot for me. I always much preferred spending holidays with my family, not a partner's family, and while I would never pressure/make a partner go to my family's, I was okay with separate holidays. My previous ex, he was not. He wanted to alternate and it really made me mad because I disliked his family and I completely supported him going but I didn't want to go myself. It caused a real rift and I would be lying if I said it didn't play a part in us splitting up.

I am surprised by the number of replies saying to suck it up and go. I mean, I suppose it would make sense if the daughter were younger, if she lived at home part time or full time, etc. But she's a full-fledged adult, it's at her house with your partner, his ex, and the ex's family. Oof. I feel like she should "get it" but who knows.

I'm all for you spending time with your family and him spending time with his, or rather, his ex's family. 

The way I see it, life is short so you should spend time with people that you care about and actually want to see, not some random ex and her family. There is no "rule" that partners have to spend every single holiday together. He had a kid and you didn't, so I don't see why you should have to suffer.

This whole topic reminds me why I gave up and decided to stay single. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me, haha.

[j.man]

Kind of an awkward way to title the thread if really all you want is to let him spend time with his daughter / family while you spend time with yours.   How much of the argument has been you being willing to go but-for the ex being present rather than simply, "Hey, it's a good year for me to get to hang out with my siblings for the holidays while you enjoy being around your daughter and her family?"  

While I'd definitely lean toward it being a good idea for you to go, I actually don't think you should be compelled to go.  That said, I'd also make sure you're not framing it spitefully.  So long as you're being genuine and communicating in good faith, he shouldn't have a problem with you guys enjoying yourselves with your own people for a single weekend.  I might see the point if you were involved with his daughter at any point during her childhood, but it sounds like you and he got together when he was or was right about to be an empty nester.  I think at that point you can forego these kinds of politics.  You mention she's come around for holidays before and you've gotten along well.  It doesn't seem to me you're forsaking the fact he's got a daughter or anything.

[Batya33]

I think you should go since she invited you and that’s really an honor. You can be cordial to her mother. Show her you’re an adult. If you can split the day and then go to your family do it or alternatively make a plan to volunteer somewhere and tell the daughter you’re delighted to spend time and also plan to help serve meals at a local church or similar.