What would you do in this situation?

[Ophelia16]

I won't keep this story long but basically my bf (29) and I (24) have been dating for a year now. He's been continuously asking me to move in with him. His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease. As a result of that, he's been asking me relentlessly if I want to live with him. I don't feel ready and am focusing on getting my own place.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really *** about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

We had our 1 year anniversary just today and I'm already starting to worry about the future of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And this whole conversation of him saying that he might "kill himself" happened ON our anniversary 

[Rose Mosse]

He's manipulative and unstable. What are your reasons for staying with him? What future do you see in particular for yourself?

[LotusBlack]

He is showing a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. You are a grown woman who is capable of determining what you are and aren’t ready for. That he questions the validity of your choice and undermines your ability to decide for yourself is incredibly patronising. 

In your shoes, I’d end the relationship as this will likely be a behaviour that extends into other areas of your relationship. He’s basically saying you’re not capable of independent thinking. How rude. But, if you want to keep the relationship, then I’d firmly tell him to back off and to stop disrespecting you. You’ve said you’re not ready, so you’re not ready. And it sounds like his pressure is coming from a self-serving place rather than his main goal of wanting to live with you. Sure, that might be a small part of it, but now he has a real need and is putting you in the unfair position of fixing his predicament. Tell him to shape up or be gone.

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Ophelia16 said:

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really *** about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I would end this relationship before the sun sets today. 

OP, he's not stable. And he's using it to manipulate you and bully you into doing what he wants. You can bet that will get worse as time goes on. This isn't a loving, caring man. This is a man who doesn't give a s**t about your feelings. 

If he threatens to hurt him, call emergency services. Do not take such threats lightly. Get them over there. He will either get the help he needs if it's a genuine thread - or he will not pull a stunt like that again if he knows you will not accept his behaviour. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ophelia16 said:

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

Trust your instincts. You're doing the right thing not acquiescing to his manipulation.

His housing and eviction issues are his problem. That has nothing to do with "commitment".

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Ophelia16 said:

He feels really *** about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself".

Tell him "OK, do it, kill yourself".

He is emotionally manipulative person. Those kind of people relly on empty threads like that in order to manipulate you to do something. He wont ever do it, but because of a housing issue he tries to manipulate you to live with him by saying he would. Get away from that completely before it creates you any more troubles.

[trezeralietas]

Unfortunately, he's showing his true colors. He's only trying to solve his own housing issue and he's going about it in a very toxic, damaging, selfish, and manipulative way.

Not being ready is the most valid reason not to do something.

If your gut says "no," then you need to listen. Period.

I hope your gut is also telling you to leave this person. Even if you feel like you love him. He's not behaving in a loving manor towards you. It most likely will not get better. You deserve better. You know this.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. 

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would end this relationship before the sun sets today. 

 

Fully agree. 

OP. This individual is toxic. Amazing that you have been with him for a year!

[Lambert]

I have to agree with the others. End this. he is not a good partner selfish, manipulative, immature, not considering you, not able to handle his own problems. 

It's very important for you to stick to your plan to live on your own.

It's very important to ALWAYS be able to support yourself and have your independence. 

Moving in together solves his problem, but will create yours. 

[LotusBlack]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If he threatens to hurt him, call emergency services. Do not take such threats lightly. Get them over there. He will either get the help he needs if it's a genuine thread - or he will not pull a stunt like that again if he knows you will not accept his behaviour. 

I didn’t see this part of the post. Absolutely don’t put up with this emotional manipulation and abuse. What a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly love. I amend my previous advice - don’t bother telling him to shape up, just tell him to be gone and if he has concerns about his mental state and self harm, then you’re more than willing to call help for him straight away if he’s unable to do so himself, and then walk away. You don’t need the drama or the manipulation. 

[LotusBlack]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Tell him "OK, do it, kill yourself".

He is emotionally manipulative person. Those kind of people relly on empty threads like that in order to manipulate you to do something. He wont ever do it, but because of a housing issue he tries to manipulate you to live with him by saying he would. Get away from that completely before it creates you any more troubles.

I would err on the side of caution and never encourage someone to kill themselves, no matter how empty you perceive the threat to be. And I’d also be weary of assuming someone won’t do something. Highly likely he’s bluffing, but never take the chance by assuming he is. You don’t know him personally, so you could not guess as to what his actions might be and then advise based on that. But, I agree that he is dreadfully manipulative and the OP should get away from him ASAP.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, this is a nasty form of control & guilt 😕 .

Laying such pressures & expectations onto YOU.  No good.

No, you should not feel that kind of pressure to be expected to move in with a guy after one year of dating!

You have your own idea and that's fine. You do that!  Is normal for couple's to agree to move in together maybe after at least 3 years - where they know they know each other well enough, are compatible, get along and the relationship has grown at a positive rate.

As mentioned, the concern over his talk.  Never react to them because they lay guilt trips.. that's awful.

Sounds like he is showing his true colours now.. is maybe best you remove yourself from this relationship now - for your own mentality.

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

I would err on the side of caution and never encourage someone to kill themselves, no matter how empty you perceive the threat to be. And I’d also be weary of assuming someone won’t do something. Highly likely he’s bluffing, but never take the chance by assuming he is. You don’t know him personally, so you could not guess as to what his actions might be and then advise based on that. But, I agree that he is dreadfully manipulative and the OP should get away from him ASAP.

From her story he is selfish person who doesnt care about what she wants and tries to emotionally manipulate her to move in with him. Those kind of people dont lean to suicide, he would most likely throw her off the building first then if he would jump. Dealing with those kind of people requires for you not to "fall" for their BS. Because if they drag you in you will never get out. Whats next? Requesting marriage with that tactic? What do you think it will happen when she decides to leave even now? She cant be a hostage to that. He needs to know his manipulation doesnt pass. And my answer, even if it was a bit insensitive, was in that direction.

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

I would err on the side of caution and never encourage someone to kill themselves, no matter how empty you perceive the threat to be. And I’d also be weary of assuming someone won’t do something. Highly likely he’s bluffing, but never take the chance by assuming he is. You don’t know him personally, so you could not guess as to what his actions might be and then advise based on that. But, I agree that he is dreadfully manipulative and the OP should get away from him ASAP.

Nope nope nope. His psychological issues are not her problem. PERIOD.

IF he threatens her with suicide, she should hang up on him, call emergency services, let them know what he is threatening and where she believes he is and let them handle him. OP needs to get away from this guy yesterday and cut off all contact with him.

Even IF he does something to himself, that is still NOT her fault or her problem to handle or deal with and NO, she did NOT make him. Again, NO she CANNOT make him do anything. Someone who is that unhinged mentally is completely outside of the realm of sanity and control by anyone, let alone the OP. Not her burden and not her problem. That is why we have psych wards.

I cannot stress enough that the OP needs to stop involving herself with this guy and learn for life that this is what abusive control and manipulation looks like in real life. Dump him, block him, and be careful for a long time because freaks like that don't let go easily. This isn't caring, this is psychopathic control.

[gamon]

Right now your situation with him is the frying pan.

Moving in with him would be like jumping into the fire.

 

[Rose Mosse]

Continue on without this man, Ophelia. Save for your home and your own future goals. Explore why this person attracts you. If not him, it'll be someone else manipulating the life out of you. 

[boltnrun]

He will continue to use threats to kill himself if you move in with him, because he will see it works.

Stand your ground.  Do NOT move in with him. End this relationship unless you want to be trapped by guilt and manipulation.

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Nope nope nope. His psychological issues are not her problem. PERIOD.

IF he threatens her with suicide, she should hang up on him, call emergency services, let them know what he is threatening and where she believes he is and let them handle him. OP needs to get away from this guy yesterday and cut off all contact with him.

Even IF he does something to himself, that is still NOT her fault or her problem to handle or deal with and NO, she did NOT make him. Again, NO she CANNOT make him do anything. Someone who is that unhinged mentally is completely outside of the realm of sanity and control by anyone, let alone the OP. Not her burden and not her problem. That is why we have psych wards.

I cannot stress enough that the OP needs to stop involving herself with this guy and learn for life that this is what abusive control and manipulation looks like in real life. Dump him, block him, and be careful for a long time because freaks like that don't let go easily. This isn't caring, this is psychopathic control.

 

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

From her story he is selfish person who doesnt care about what she wants and tries to emotionally manipulate her to move in with him. Those kind of people dont lean to suicide, he would most likely throw her off the building first then if he would jump. Dealing with those kind of people requires for you not to "fall" for their BS. Because if they drag you in you will never get out. Whats next? Requesting marriage with that tactic? What do you think it will happen when she decides to leave even now? She cant be a hostage to that. He needs to know his manipulation doesnt pass. And my answer, even if it was a bit insensitive, was in that direction.

I’m not really sure where people are picking up that I am of a differing opinion to any of the other posters - I’m actually quite in agreement. My post never suggested anything other than him being a terrible person she needs to get away from. I never suggested anywhere that she was responsible for him or anything being her fault. What I did say is that, in general, no one should actively encourage anyone to kill themselves, no matter how terrible or manipulative that person is, it’s just not a necessary thing to say, and refraining from saying such a thing does NOT equate to staying with them and taking their crap. It isn’t a mutually exclusive agreement. If they do threaten self-harm or suicide, then, if one feels the situation to be dire, they can call for help and then leave the situation and don’t look back - particularly in OP’s case, if she really was worried about that. Nowhere did I say that the OP needs to or should buy into it and stay. I said just the opposite. My advice was ONLY regarding the issue of making assumptions (see the bold print - more assumptions) about what a person may or may not do. Never make assumptions - that is all I said. It had nothing to do with the OP.

With all due respect, please read my post more carefully. I greatly dislike my posts being misrepresented in such a way, particularly regarding topics of abuse or self-harm.

And, just in case it wasn’t clear in the first post I made - I do not condone, endorse, or empathise with this man’s behaviour and the OP would do well to leave his sorry excuse of an a** behind.

[Tinydance]

Well I agree that he's being very pushy and over the top. This is only my opinion...  I'm also thinking that if it was me and my partner asked me to move in with them after a year and I don't want to, that maybe I'm not really sure about this relationship. But in my case I'm 36 and I want to settle down and kids and marriage, so I want something really serious. I would think about moving in with someone after a year because I would want the relationship to progress and see if it's going to work long term. Living together is a natural part of a relationship, unless of course you're from a religion or culture where you have to be married first to live together. 

Your boyfriend is being pushy and the killing himself thing is manipulative. Unless of course he's suicidal for real and he needs help with his mental health. Maybe he does want to actually live with you specifically and it's not only for the sake of convenience. He could try living alone or renting with housemates instead, so he has some other options that are not just you. 

I think if you're not interested in living with him at all, maybe that's telling you something? Maybe he's right and you're actually not that into this relationship? Otherwise what makes you so against the idea? It's absolutely fine if you are against the idea but I'm only wondering what makes you feel that way?

[Ophelia16]

I am not against the idea of living together. I asked him to give me time to come to that decision myself. I don't feel like a year is long enough time to move in with someone. I am focusing on getting my own place and my goal for myself is to do that first. And then after we can consider the options of living together. His POV of living together mostly comes from the fact that he needs a rental in 90 days. I asked him "what's the rush? Why can't I take time to get there myself?" His response was that the rush is because he needs to move out. So yeah...

[MissCanuck]

And so what are you going to do about this situation?

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Ophelia16 said:

 His response was that the rush is because he needs to move out.

Yikes. He needs a homeless shelter, not a GF.

Run.👟👟

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Ophelia16 said:

I am not against the idea of living together. I asked him to give me time to come to that decision myself. I don't feel like a year is long enough time to move in with someone. I am focusing on getting my own place and my goal for myself is to do that first. And then after we can consider the options of living together. His POV of living together mostly comes from the fact that he needs a rental in 90 days. I asked him "what's the rush? Why can't I take time to get there myself?" His response was that the rush is because he needs to move out. So yeah...

Well he can live with housemates as well so he does have options. Why do you prefer to rent alone as opposed to with him? Have you never moved out of home before and you just want to experience it first? It's just that you haven't really explained why you want to live alone. Personally I think that if you take a relationship seriously and see a future that living together after a year is fine. If you want to know if you're really compatible then why wait a couple or a few years to find out. I understand though that there's a difference between coming to the decision naturally and actually being pressured into it. Especially pressured so strongly and even with phrases like "I'm going to kill myself". Of course that's going to put you off. It actually seems to me like you don't seem completely sure about this relationship but your boyfriend's behaviour has reaffirmed that even more.

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

It actually seems to me like you don't seem completely sure about this relationship but your boyfriend's behaviour has reaffirmed that even more.

That's my take on it, too. 

I think there have been some underlying doubts for a while and his insane conduct around this subject has only intensified those (rightfully so) 

[Ophelia16]

Yeah I've never lived out of home before.  I'm saving to get my own place instead and it's my first relationship so I felt like I wanted to take things a bit slower. But the way he was handling his problems has put a lot of doubt and worry in my mind re our relationship.