Petty,childish, or valid?

[MOcha]

Hello All,

My situation may sound dumb, but I am going to ask regardless.

I have been withmy boyfriend for 7 years  We have lived together for 4. 

Lately our communications has been off and I fee like maybe he is second guessing our relationship.  Now he is not the most expressive, unless he is mad.  I have asked him if he wants to be single, or if there is anyone out there he is looking at.  He tells me no.  I say that because he has a side business where he does security at lounges and sometimes he doesn’t come home until 3 or 4 am.  He will also just jump up and go out with his friends and sometimes be out that late as well.  I don’t say anything, I let him have his freedom and I also understand his job.  Sometimes he will call on his way home from doing security, sometimes I wake up and he’s home.  It varies.  But, doing these jobs there are always women around and alcohol.  So I sometimes worry if he is getting close to a waitress or bartender at his job and hiding it.  Let me say that I have trust issues.  Because of my past and he has told some lies himself.  But, I am fighting those negative thoughts. 

Lately our communications has been off.  IT’s like we talk but barely.  Which raises wonders even more.

He makes a lot more money than I do, but I help with rent and the bills…etc.  My mom taught me to carry my weight in every situation at all times.  What is making it worse is, he just purchased the house we live in and he did it alone.  He told me at the time that it’s my home as well.  But he is making decorating decisions and he doesn’t even ask if I like it or what do I think.  My mind set is…I don’t ever want to overstep my boundaries, but I fell like he could ask or show me what he is purchasing for decoration.  Its making me feel like it’s not my home as well and it’s making me feel like he doesn’t want me here.  I may be over reacting, but this is the reason why I am asking you all.  Should I feel a type of way?  It is his home.  Do you think my feelings are validated?  I haven’t said anything to him, because I don’t want to seem petty or childish. 

I know I am babbling....my apologies...

I just want some outside input on this.

[Wiseman2]

Don't worry about decorating. In fact you're a tenant so do not invest your time or money into any home improvements, including decorating. 

You can never recoup time or money spent on a place you do not own. So it's a blessing that he's spending his time/energy on this.

More importantly you seem to feel there's a lack of commitment. He's seems ok keeping the status quo of live-in Gf so do not overinvest in this situation as if you were married.

More disconcerting is the rift and drift. Do you suspect he's cheating or losing interest?

[DancingFool]

I think that you need to own your concerns, because they are valid.

After 7 years together....what is your relationship goal? Are you looking to get married? Are you looking to just live like roommates? What is happening? Is there a future? Keep in mind, that you don't need marriage to be building a life together as a couple. So I would start with being clear with yourself about what it is that you want and expect from a relationship and then sitting down and talking with him about it in concrete terms and figuring out if you and him are on the same page.

Rather than accusing him of cheating or drifting away, be concrete about what you want and what you expect and hold his actions to it. Don't focus on his words and what he says, but rather focus on what he does post discussion. 

On the financial side note, what your mother meant is be independent of any man financially. She didn't mean "pay off his mortgage while feeling like a guest in his house."

Overall, from what you are describing, it does sound like you and him are drifting apart. Buying a house for himself is fine, buuuut you are his partner, so he should have talked to you about his plans. Telling you that this is your "home" is a bit of a cheap joke if he doesn't act like it. If he wants you to be a part of his life and feel like this is your home too, then yes, how you decorate should include you. Right now, he is acting like "my house, my space, my rules." Sure, technically, you can always argue he has that right, but healthy relationships don't actually work on technicalities and you are feeling that as we speak.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself is why you don't trust him anymore? Don't ask him if he is cheating (if he is, he will never ever admit it) but rather what is going on with your relationship that is driving you to think that. Perhaps, you and him need to shake things up, get out of the routine and reconnect. Unfortunately, could also be the olde "7 year itch" and you need to part ways. If your relationship isn't moving forward, it has to end kind of a thing.

 

[MOcha]

@Wiseman2...I'm not sure if he is. I used to be the one to say..."my man will never cheat" until the first time I was cheated on.  That was back in college...since then I say...I don't anything past anyone. 

[MOcha]

@DancingFool...I have never wanted to get married. Still don't.  I have trust issues. That is my issue, from the past. I really only trust a handful of people. I don't trust friend girls because of things that have been done to me by some. 

You are right with your response...makes so much sense. 

I am hoping we aren't at the itch and are drifting apart, but I know life happens. 

[Rose Mosse]

What was his reasoning for purchasing on his own? I ask to get a better of idea of where he is at. From the outset, yes, he does seem selfish and one-track minded or uninterested in your input or not as invested in your future together. Someone might have advised him it was unwise to co-own with a girlfriend and it was the right time for him to purchase that particular house. 

Are you interested in marriage or kids? If that is what you are intending for yourself or wanting overall, then this is very far from what it's looking like right now.

[Cherylyn]

To him you're just "the girlfriend" who helps pay some of the bills.  You are a convenience without strings attached.  That's all.  He is not financially nor legally bound to you and wishes to keep it this arrangement.  Either accept him as he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.  You don't have a happy future with him.  It's looking abysmal.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

To him you're just "the girlfriend" who helps pay some of the bills.  You are a convenience without strings attached.  That's all.  He is not financially nor legally bound to you and wishes to keep it this arrangement.  Either accept him as he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.  You don't have a happy future with him.  It's looking abysmal.

 I agree with this but also you say you don't want marriage.  What was the purpose of moving in together 4 years ago? Convenience/finances or did you each see it as strengthening your commitment and your future together?  I never lived with anyone officially till I was married at age 42 except for a few months while I was engaged -but we cancelled the wedding.  

I think his actions show what Cheryln wrote and decide whether that is ok with you.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, MOcha said:

@DancingFool...I have never wanted to get married. Still don't.  I have trust issues. That is my issue, from the past. I really only trust a handful of people. I don't trust friend girls because of things that have been done to me by some. 

You are right with your response...makes so much sense. 

I am hoping we aren't at the itch and are drifting apart, but I know life happens. 

in your shoes I would leave and work on myself...

Trust issues need to be addressed not just lived with. Nor used as an excuse to turn a blind eye on bad behavior. The rub there is you can't trust yourself! 

I don't think there is much you can really say to make a person change.  Especially, when the person can only express himself when he is mad. Been there!

You can't expect people to handle things differently then they always have.  Sounds like the only thing you can really do is change the situation for yourself. 

it's hard to leave what you know and have accepted for 7 years but sounds like you aren't happy and you haven't been. 

Maybe getting out on your own, fixing your personal issues is just what you need to do.  no one can do it for you. 

There's a whole world of people places and things.  You aren't married to this guy.  Leave him. figure out what matters to you and if he's willing to change, great. if not, you have options. They're called YOU.

 

 

[Bothered2021]

Lots of things to address. I don’t think after 7 years of dating and 4 years of living together you are “just a tenant.” I do think it is weird that he didn’t consult you about buying the house and doing it together. And also not making it clear that it is your house too. Why have you been dating for all this time if he wanted to do everything alone? I would certainly bring that up. It sucks being in a relationship but feeling like a roommate. It’s not petty to say “hey I would like to have some say in the home decor if this is our home and we are building a life together”. I guess you will find out where he really stands when he responds. 
I also have trust issues and I know that I wouldn’t be able to have a functioning relationship or even anxiety free day if my significant other had the type of job and come in whenever you like mentality yours does. Figure out if he is willing to work on communication and letting you know when he will be out until the early morning. You’re not his mom but he does owe you respect and simply letting you know where he is and what time he plans to come home shouldn’t be a big deal. 
And when you have these issues coupled with feeling distant all of a sudden it’s going to play on those insecurities. I guess you have to figure out what you want in this relationship and what You are willing to live with

[MOcha]

All of these responses are so good and have opened my eyes to so much I may currently be blinded to. I'm at a crossroad right now. This really sucks. But yes...I have issues I need to work on. I think I'm going to step away. 

[smackie9]

I think you approached him incorrectly. Asking him if he wants to be single, or who does he have his eye on are trap questions...guys avoid those at all costs.

You need to get right to the point and ask if he wants to continue this relationship. If he says yes, then you point out all the things that he's is doing that says otherwise and you don't believe him. Then you can tell him your expectations. If he isn't willing to fulfill them  by a certain timeline, then what's the point?

TBH I think he's trying to push you out, and you leave on your own which is a cowards way out. Best of luck in your course of action.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, MOcha said:

Lately our communications has been off.  IT’s like we talk but barely

This stands out to me. 

What is going on here? Do you two have time to spend together, just the two of you? And I don't mean just hanging out at home, but participating in activities you enjoy together.  How long has the communication been fading? 

My ex was a chef / restaurant-owner, so I do get that opposite schedules for people in hospitality can be very challenging for a couple. A lot of late nights, a lot of alcohol around, a lot of partying in general.  It's a difficult mix. 

[MOcha]

Update......I left. I packed my stuff and left. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he flipped it on me and made me out to be a terrible person. So I left. I'm hurt and relieved at the same time. 

New Beginnings.....

Thank you guys for your input.

[boltnrun]

That was a very brave thing you did. Good for you.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MOcha said:

Update......I left. I packed my stuff and left. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he flipped it on me and made me out to be a terrible person. So I left. I'm hurt and relieved at the same time. 

It sounds to me like there was more going wrong in your relationship than being worried about him in the company of other women at work. 

Perhaps your instincts were bang-on that something wasn't right. 

I'm sorry it happened, but it appears you're at peace with your decision. Good luck to you, MOcha. 

[Lambert]

10 hours ago, MOcha said:

Update......I left. I packed my stuff and left. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he flipped it on me and made me out to be a terrible person. So I left. I'm hurt and relieved at the same time. 

New Beginnings.....

Thank you guys for your input.

Yes.  @boltnrun I agree.  Very brave.  Good for you.  

You really don't need his crap.  Flipping out and turning it on you, is not how healthy happy couples deal with things.  

Where did you go?  Do you have friends or some support until you find a new place?  I hope so.  

[MOcha]

@Lambert..Thank you so much. My brother and sister came and helped me pack, and I am staying with my brother for a couple of months until I find myself an apartment. 

[MOcha]

@MissCanuck...he is bipolar and has narcissistic characteristics. He has a good heart and he wasn't bad all the time, it just got bad the past few months.

[Lambert]

6 minutes ago, MOcha said:

@Lambert..Thank you so much. My brother and sister came and helped me pack, and I am staying with my brother for a couple of months until I find myself an apartment. 

This excellent. Lean on your family and friends. I'm proud of you!

it's hard to end a LTR but I find it helpful to just take it one day at a time.

 

[MOcha]

UPDATE: He has been calling me since I left and he wants to meet up and talk Saturday. I guess for closure...not sure what it will be about. Should I go?

[DarkCh0c0]

Don't.

He can text/call you once(within limits). No dialogues. That's it. You have to be strong and set boundaries from the beginning. Since he's a narcs, that's what they do. Very typical cause it's about him and his ego. He will guilt trip you, ask for another chance, or tell you he'll change, and all those fake promises.

But you're free and don't need him or his toxicity. Stay strong. Great job.

[Jibralta]

17 minutes ago, MOcha said:

Should I go?

I wouldn't. I strongly suspect that he is going to try to pull you back into this relationship and then you'll be on a real roller coaster.

[boltnrun]

44 minutes ago, MOcha said:

UPDATE: He has been calling me since I left and he wants to meet up and talk Saturday. I guess for closure...not sure what it will be about. Should I go?

Closure is a myth. It's BS. Doesn't exist, not in the form of a conversation. Someone else doesn't "give" you closure.

I would guess there's something you're providing that he doesn't want to give up. Whether it's financial, or you do the housework or something else. 

He isn't going to change his job or his habits. Why would what he's been doing not be OK with you yesterday but suddenly OK with you today?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, MOcha said:

UPDATE: He has been calling me since I left and he wants to meet up and talk Saturday. I guess for closure...not sure what it will be about. Should I go?

What do you want to do, in your heart of hearts?