He invaded my privacy

[Batya33]

Just now, GGINC said:

That not a bit toxic no? Money in turn for a persons mistakes? Surely that’s just profitable tolerance. 

LOL it's a tried and true way people break bad habits. Psychologists recommend it when a couple wants to get over adultery -the adulterer tells the spouse what he will do -or give up -should he do this again -like give up his boat, buy her a car- whatever they decide.  People do this all the time to break bad habits. Toxic?? Ironic you would use that description when you're with someone who went through your phone and you felt you had to give him access to your device after dating him a few months -none of this sounds like a healthy dynamic at all.

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, GGINC said:

He wasn’t an ex, it’s was a friends with benefits type situation- there’s no feelings or anything and there never was and that’s very obvious, we are barely in contact now as it is 

Why would you be in contact with someone you just had a sexual arrangement with?

[GGINC]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you be in contact with someone you just had a sexual arrangement with?

Because he was my friend first and I continue to value that friendship. The friendship no longer exceeds its boundaries as a friendship and therefore poses no threat to my current situation or life for that matter in any way. We were both mature enough to move on, and I would consider his new girlfriend a friend of my own now too. Your responses speak volumes of your maturity by the way. 

[GGINC]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOL it's a tried and true way people break bad habits. Psychologists recommend it when a couple wants to get over adultery -the adulterer tells the spouse what he will do -or give up -should he do this again -like give up his boat, buy her a car- whatever they decide.  People do this all the time to break bad habits. Toxic?? Ironic you would use that description when you're with someone who went through your phone and you felt you had to give him access to your device after dating him a few months -none of this sounds like a healthy dynamic at all.

 

I don’t see how it is toxic to trust someone, it may have been a mistake but it was not toxic, more naive, of which I wholeheartedly admit too. It wasn’t a topic of significance or interest to me until it became one, if anyone’s actions were toxic it was his. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, GGINC said:

For context, this man is the most thoughtful, kind, caring man I’ve ever met. He’s the safest option I’ve ever had. However I was undergoing he illusion that he would never go through my phone and he did. He found out about one of my ex lovers, who we are both now friends with- got angry and broke up with me. I then explained I shouldn’t have to disclose my love life to anyone if I don’t want too and he backtracked. He wants another chance, but now I’m not sure if he’s the person I thought he was, I don’t know if I can trust him. I feel guilty, because I feel so numb to the whole situation, like I hardly feel any love or hatred toward him and I really don’t know what to do. Like do I give up this great guy and regret it? Or do I give up what I thought was a great guy and move on with my life? Focus on me? 

Focus on you. This has to end. I'm not sure how he found out it's an ex lover in the first place unless you told him all your past details. Relationships are built on trust so if both of you from the get-go decide that you're incompatible because one likes to keep in contact with exes and the other doesn't care for that, then you go your separate ways. He should never have gone through your phone to find out more info on you! That comes from getting to know one another.

It's started off all wrong and I'm sorry about this. No more armtwisting, brass knuckle tactics or intense psychology. It's only four months and both of you were just building some trust and rapport. I think both of you are incompatible and frankly, he shouldn't have to apologize to you either if he doesn't agree with you or doesn't trust you going forward. 

It takes two. I think the reason why you feel uncomfortable is him backtracking when you are not compatible for each other. He doesn't have the guts to end it and walk away.

 

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, GGINC said:

I don’t see how it is toxic to trust someone, it may have been a mistake but it was not toxic, more naive, of which I wholeheartedly admit too. It wasn’t a topic of significance or interest to me until it became one, if anyone’s actions were toxic it was his. 

What's unhealthy is this arrangement where you give someone you barely know your passwords to your phone and unhealthy that you keep in touch with a guy you had a sexual arrangement with  - unhealthy in the sense that I actually can see where he'd be uncomfortable with you keeping in touch in those situations.  An ex who you remained good friends with and who you've moved on from, years ago and he from you -sure - that can work beautifully -but he sees you texting with someone you met up with mainly for sex and I can see why he wonders what's going on.  Separately it was absolutely wrong of him to go through your phone although since you gave him the password were you clear on what boundaries there were if any?

I am married.  The only time I will look at my husband's screen on my own is if I happen to be on his computer and a notification pops up either from work or I see a call coming in from a family member - meaning if I think it looks important I'll go get him or I'll message him what I saw.  But I don't stare at his open devices and he doesn't at mine - for one thing we might have confidential work stuff.  

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you be in contact with someone you just had a sexual arrangement with?

I agree, I don’t see the point . Maybe just a difference in the generations or I just don’t care about extraneous people in my life. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, GGINC said:

For context, this man is the most thoughtful, kind, caring man I’ve ever met. He’s the safest option I’ve ever had.

How do you know this in only 4 months?

Obviously, he has so far crossed the lines for respect & trust 😕 .

So, instead of actually 'discussing' this issue he just plainly walked away?  What's gonna happen next time he gets upset with you? Wow

 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What's unhealthy is this arrangement where you give someone you barely know your passwords to your phone

You did? Ohh I didn't realize this.

Why you'd do this, I have no idea.  No reason to do that.

I have been involved with a few and NEVER asked to see their phone or feel need to share mine.  It is my own property and I will share something with them when I choose to.

I only went into an ex's phone once, after 5 yrs, because my assumptions were correct ( he was cheating).

Also, is kinda hard to see this as 'him invading your privacy', when you plainly assisted him in doing so 😕 .

 

[Hollyj]

5 hours ago, GGINC said:

Only four months, like it’s sooo early 

Hell no.  

I wouldn't trust this guy.  

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, GGINC said:

I honestly just didn’t even think it would be an issue like I was that confident in him, now I see how naive that was. 

You have only known him 4 months

[lostandhurt]

He shouldn't have gone through your phone.  Not sure why he didn't trust you but...

As far as how he reacted when he found out your friend and his new friend you were all hanging out with is a guy you were banging just months ago.  Could you imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed?  I would not be happy about it and I don't know many that would be either.  Now if you had told him in advance that you and that guy had a fling before you two met and he still was willing to be friends and hang out together that would be different.

You sound young and this is his first relationship.  Mistakes will be made like snooping or forgetting to tell your current bf that the guy you are hanging out with is a guy you had sex with jut before you met.

  You said this guy was the safest option.  Have you had a problem picking honest guys?

How many days ago did all this go down?

In the end he was insecure and untrusting.  Just because he was right doesn't make snooping okay.

If you feel numb and nothing it is either shock because it just happened and you haven't processed it completely or he wasn't all that important to you after all and you were more attracted to his honesty than him as a whole.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, GGINC said:

He’s the safest option I’ve ever had.

This is a rather odd thing to say; what do you mean by this?

Did he ask for your passwords, or how did you end up giving them to him? (and yes, this was a mistake)

What sort of chats were you having with this ex-FWB? How did you boyfriend piece together that you two had been initmate, or did he go back that far into your phone to the time when you were sleeping with this guy? 

[GGINC]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is a rather odd thing to say; what do you mean by this?

Did he ask for your passwords, or how did you end up giving them to him? (and yes, this was a mistake)

What sort of chats were you having with this ex-FWB? How did you boyfriend piece together that you two had been initmate, or did he go back that far into your phone to the time when you were sleeping with this guy? 

He went that far back, and he never asked no- it was more when I was driving or something and wanted to change the song etc 

[GGINC]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

He shouldn't have gone through your phone.  Not sure why he didn't trust you but...

As far as how he reacted when he found out your friend and his new friend you were all hanging out with is a guy you were banging just months ago.  Could you imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed?  I would not be happy about it and I don't know many that would be either.  Now if you had told him in advance that you and that guy had a fling before you two met and he still was willing to be friends and hang out together that would be different.

You sound young and this is his first relationship.  Mistakes will be made like snooping or forgetting to tell your current bf that the guy you are hanging out with is a guy you had sex with jut before you met.

  You said this guy was the safest option.  Have you had a problem picking honest guys?

How many days ago did all this go down?

In the end he was insecure and untrusting.  Just because he was right doesn't make snooping okay.

If you feel numb and nothing it is either shock because it just happened and you haven't processed it completely or he wasn't all that important to you after all and you were more attracted to his honesty than him as a whole.

Lost

I’m 28, it went down a week ago. I’m a very secure person, a confident person his past lovers don’t unsettle me- they are to be expected, he chose to be with me and because of that I don’t see why I should fret over people in the past? I’m a busy person, it’s a waste of my time and energy. I never really have worried about people past lovers, and if I have I’ve left because I shouldn’t feel that way, and if I do it’s because the person I was with hasn’t done a lot to stop it 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, GGINC said:

I’m 28, it went down a week ago. I’m a very secure person, a confident person his past lovers don’t unsettle me- they are to be expected, he chose to be with me and because of that I don’t see why I should fret over people in the past? I’m a busy person, it’s a waste of my time and energy. I never really have worried about people past lovers, and if I have I’ve left because I shouldn’t feel that way, and if I do it’s because the person I was with hasn’t done a lot to stop it 

But this wasn't a past lover - not in any emotional or close sense -it was a person you had intercourse or sexual interactions with when you were horny - so if he had found out without "snooping" (still not sure if he did since you gave him your password) - I could see why he would question why you're keeping in touch with someone where your main if not total reason for interacting was sex.  Now  you're supposed to be in a committed relationship and you weren't friends with this other person to begin with.  Which would lead me to question -what do you two have in common other than sex.  Different if it was a close friend who you hooked up with in the past and you'd both moved on.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, GGINC said:

He went that far back, and he never asked no- it was more when I was driving or something and wanted to change the song etc 

Got it. 

I would not continue dating him, for two reasons:
1) He does not respect your privacy. 

2) You two have very different boundaries in terms of keeping in touch with ex-lovers. 

Too many incompatbilities to make this work, in my point of view. 

[DancingFool]

You've barely known this guy for 4 months.

In that time he invaded your privacy, broke up with you and is shifting blame for his behavior on this being a first relationship instead of genuinely being sorry and seeing the error of his ways.....except you are (presumably both) in your late 20's. Meaning he is a full grown adult who knows what he is doing. This is way way way too much drama for such a short time of dating.

Put it simply, you got taken in with the illusion that he is this great guy, but you have now found out that he isn't. Time to move on.

Overall, be careful going forward and don't share your info like that in general. It takes a long time to really see a person's true character - years not months. You have to see them literally through all the seasons - awkward family holidays, bad days, life challenges, etc. before you can truly say that this person is safe, stable, and a good partner you can really trust.

Also, your friends aren't dating him, you are. Do not ever date someone just because your friends approve. They'll forget about him just as soon as you get rid of him. 

[boltnrun]

What do you mean by he's the "safest option"?

[indea08]

I’m with you GGINC. I have friends I’ve slept with before. So what if we, as adults, decided to cross some lines one night? Maybe it went well, maybe it didn’t, but for whatever reason we didn’t want to continue or move forward, but we work well as friends. My husband doesn’t know the extent of my sexual or dating history, nor do I know his, nor do either of us care to run through those rosters. He’s friends with some that I’ve had a fling with, I’m sure some of the ladies I’ve met through him have been his past flings...but like you said, so what? There’s nothing inappropriate now AT ALL so why make it a thing when it’s literally nothing? 

As far as your boyfriend, I’ll admit, I made the same mistake early in my relationship with my husband. I had just bought a house, I had a young daughter, and he was this 20 year old guy (I’m older) who would work 12 hour days and still come over afterward to help me paint. He was supposedly leaving for the military in a few months, and he was fairly popular in our town. I wasn’t sure what his motives were, why would he bother with me? I don’t think he was sure either, and I wasn’t interested in wasting time. So I snooped to see if he’d given any clues to any of his friends what he was looking for with me. I felt so bad about it that I told him afterward and asked that he change his password. It’s literally never happened again since then, and we’re coming up on 5 years married this summer (7 years together) and we are very happy. We have access to each other’s phones for convenience, but after we entered “relationship” mode, neither of us have really cared to snoop. We know where we stand with each other and even if a situation looked super suspicious, I know the kind of man I married and I’m not worried about anything.

I think this first mistake of his warrants an open discussion about boundaries and deal breakers...and I don’t blame you for being angry, I would be too. Maybe let him live and learn with this one? Dating in 2021 seems really difficult, so I don’t think this is the hill this relationship should die on.

People make mistakes. People will ALWAYS make mistakes. It’s a given fact, expect it. But if you give them the benefit of the doubt, most will learn from them. If they don’t...well, that’s the hill to die on.

[GGINC]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But this wasn't a past lover - not in any emotional or close sense -it was a person you had intercourse or sexual interactions with when you were horny - so if he had found out without "snooping" (still not sure if he did since you gave him your password) - I could see why he would question why you're keeping in touch with someone where your main if not total reason for interacting was sex.  Now  you're supposed to be in a committed relationship and you weren't friends with this other person to begin with.  Which would lead me to question -what do you two have in common other than sex.  Different if it was a close friend who you hooked up with in the past and you'd both moved on.

Hold on I was friends with the guy I screwed first and foremost, that’s what was the most important. I do not keep in contact with him for sex, you are really letting down the universal stereotype that women don’t listen here like come on, you’re misrepresenting our gender here. He is a close friend who I hooked up with the past and we did both move on, I am friends with him for many reasons. 

[Batya33]

Just now, GGINC said:

Hold on I was friends with the guy I screwed first and foremost, that’s what was the most important. I do not keep in contact with him for sex, you are really letting down the universal stereotype that women don’t listen here like come on, you’re misrepresenting our gender here. He is a close friend who I hooked up with the past and we did both move on, I am friends with him for many reasons. 

I'd say the same about a man in this case.  You never wrote before right now he was a close friend -you said it was a casual encounter with someone and used the euphemism "FWB".  I didn't write ever that you kept in contact with him for sex.  If you read what I wrote I asked what was the purpose of staying in touch with someone where the main focus of your interaction in the past was sexual -what else do you have in common?  If he is someone you were close friends with before -I wrote- again if you read what I wrote - that that is different.  

I have no idea what universal stereotype you are referring to.  Why does your boyfriend even know you had sex with your friend?

[Seraphim]

I don’t think it is about stereotypes but more about boundaries being different in different age groups . For instance I am middle aged , I don’t know too many people who hang with their exes, or FWB’s or ex lover friends or whatever. It is just not something we did. 

[GGINC]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd say the same about a man in this case.  You never wrote before right now he was a close friend -you said it was a casual encounter with someone and used the euphemism "FWB".  I didn't write ever that you kept in contact with him for sex.  If you read what I wrote I asked what was the purpose of staying in touch with someone where the main focus of your interaction in the past was sexual -what else do you have in common?  If he is someone you were close friends with before -I wrote- again if you read what I wrote - that that is different.  

I have no idea what universal stereotype you are referring to.  Why does your boyfriend even know you had sex with your friend?

I wrote on several occasions that he was haha. 

[lostandhurt]

14 hours ago, GGINC said:

I’m 28, it went down a week ago. I’m a very secure person, a confident person his past lovers don’t unsettle me- they are to be expected, he chose to be with me and because of that I don’t see why I should fret over people in the past? I’m a busy person, it’s a waste of my time and energy. I never really have worried about people past lovers, and if I have I’ve left because I shouldn’t feel that way, and if I do it’s because the person I was with hasn’t done a lot to stop it 

So you don't give any thought to who you used to have sex with and you don't care who your bf has had sex with.  I get that but can you honestly say that if a guy you really cared about had an "old friend" that hung out with you and you started liking her and then found out without being told by him that they recently were hooking up just for sex it wouldn't bother you at all?

There is one thing I am curious about.  What exactly did he read in those texts?  I don't mean word for word or graphic but what was the jist?

He snooped for a reason, maybe he was getting some vibe when you and your friend/ ex fwb were around each other.

Lost