New baby, no sex. Feeling trapped. Man child or young mistakes?

[Hollyj]

Is there a reason why you will not respond on the "thoughtless mistakes?"  This is the third time I am asking.

[smackie9]

Covid, pregnancy, screaming baby, roles changed to parents, lack of ability to communicate. It's just one big soup of trouble. Stop pointing the finger, or self blame....Everyone is struggling too, and being new parents is a process, life making adjustment.

Stop dodging counseling. You both need it, because the both of you are guessing/assuming which is counter productive and causing resentment which is poisoning your relationship.

IMO we can only advise so much, and only getting one side of the story. I don't want to jump on the "Oh he's a man child" train or why did you even bother with marriage and having a child. I don't think that's being fair. There is virtual counseling on line. Give it a try.

[RubyTrue]

12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Is there a reason why you will not respond on the "thoughtless mistakes?"  This is the third time I am asking.

Hi Holly,

Sorry no not at all. One example is:

When I was heavily pregnant I had such swollen legs I couldn't walk very far. My partner had left over holiday to use and had the option to use it or get paid. I asked him to take it so that he might help me prep the house before baby comes and just day to day stuff I was struggling with as it was all getting a bit much - I wouldn't expect him to take time off otherwise but if the option is there, why not? He works for his family's business and due to covid they wanted to take all the jobs they could get (understandable) we had a miscommunication and he took the pay and did all the "jobs" I wanted over the weekend. I appreciated he wanted to help his family but I was really struggling and needed him here, he had the option and he chose work. After he said he assumed I was okay with it. Can't remember why he assumed that but when he realised his mistake and I opened up about how hard everything was and I just needed him, he was sympathetic and clearly upset that he was between a rock and a hard place but he still didn't do anything to fix it. So I struggled quite a bit at the end of the pregnancy. 

There are quite a few other situations where I've been left feeling like he's said sorry but never followed up to fix his mistakes. But again, it's usually little things that aren't prominent on their own but add up over time.

[RubyTrue]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Covid, pregnancy, screaming baby, roles changed to parents, lack of ability to communicate. It's just one big soup of trouble. Stop pointing the finger, or self blame....Everyone is struggling too, and being new parents is a process, life making adjustment.

Stop dodging counseling. You both need it, because the both of you are guessing/assuming which is counter productive and causing resentment which is poisoning your relationship.

IMO we can only advise so much, and only getting one side of the story. I don't want to jump on the "Oh he's a man child" train or why did you even bother with marriage and having a child. I don't think that's being fair. There is virtual counseling on line. Give it a try.

I assume you didn't read through the comments, I haven't avoided counselling, I've actually said quite the opposite and have been encouraged by the other posters to suggest it to my OH. This also isn't meant to be a bashing opportunity but it is me seeking an opinion of others about my own feelings. Trying to rationalise it and be subjective is sometimes hard so this is why I'm asking for people's comments on my side of the story. It's supposed to be one sided but in our relationship he has his side and that will be included as we work through it together, I just assumed everyone knew that was a given.

Thank you for your comment anyway. I didn't know they did online counselling, that will probably be more appealing for him and I will suggest it later.

[Debsterism]

This relationship is DEAD. Instead of trying to beat a dead horse and find a way to make a man with whom you are completely incompatible at this stage of life fit, it is best to break things off and arrange what you are going to do with the house and the kid. 

People forget that the decade of life that we change the most is between 17 and 27. MAN OH MAN! What you thought was fabulous, that you could deal with, that wasn't "so bad" at the top end of that decade becomes a nightmare when you do finally grow into the person you were meant to be in your late 20s/early 30s. You look back and wonder "what in the world was I thinking!" It's not just you so don't beat yourself up. EVERYONE goes through this which is why I recommend no one have children or marry before they are at least 28 years old (female) and 31 or 32 (male). Too many changes taking place mentally and emotionally before that. 

Just accept that is what has happened here and that it's time to throw in the towel. No matter how good a man he is on paper, how nice a person he is, how hard working or anything else -- HE IS NOT THE MAN FOR YOU. And that is all that counts. 

[boltnrun]

Just out of curiosity, are you two legally married?

[RubyTrue]

5 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

People forget that the decade of life that we change the most is between 17 and 27. MAN OH MAN! What you thought was fabulous, that you could deal with, that wasn't "so bad" at the top end of that decade becomes a nightmare when you do finally grow into the person you were meant to be in your late 20s/early 30s.

Thank you for this, that makes me feel a bit better. This is where my mind was at, but it's nice to know this is actually a thing.

[RubyTrue]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Just out of curiosity, are you two legally married?

No we aren't married.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, May said:

No we aren't married.

I was just curious.

I am one of those who believes it's not absolutely necessary for a couple to be married in order to build a family. It just makes things different if the couple splits up.

Are you both on the mortgage?

[RubyTrue]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I was just curious.

I am one of those who believes it's not absolutely necessary for a couple to be married in order to build a family. It just makes things different if the couple splits up.

Are you both on the mortgage?

Us too. We talked about doing it one day when we had the money. We chose a house first and yes we are. Which is why everything is a bit complicated.

 

I also feel that marriage is for when you are confident in who you are and mature enough to own it. I know he is still finding himself, hence wanting to wait till our 30s. On the other hand we wanted to have our children earlier enough so we could be young enough to do stuff after they've flown the nest. No regrets, we love our son, but I'm now seeing the negative side of doing that. (In terms of still being compatible as you get older)

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, May said:

We're in our late 20s so I'm torn because although our son comes first, I can't bear the thought of being trapped like this for all our "prime" years

Agree. Buy him out of the house, and set him free so you can both find someone who loves and who respects you. Your contempt will eat away at you.

[MissCanuck]

Have you ever really been sexually attracted to him, OP?

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, May said:

Us too. We talked about doing it one day when we had the money. We chose a house first and yes we are. Which is why everything is a bit complicated.

 

I also feel that marriage is for when you are confident in who you are and mature enough to own it. I know he is still finding himself, hence wanting to wait till our 30s. On the other hand we wanted to have our children earlier enough so we could be young enough to do stuff after they've flown the nest. No regrets, we love our son, but I'm now seeing the negative side of doing that. (In terms of still being compatible as you get older)

So you were ready to have a child but not confident enough in who you are and mature enough to get married?? So you had a child for your own selfish purposes so you'd be young enough when the child is grown -um what if the child couldn't leave -had special needs -what if one of you had health problems, financial problems.  This truly is mind boggling to me.  Putting aside whether legal marriage is more stable for or in the best interests of a child you can't be saying that you don't need to be confident in who you are and mature enough..... before becoming a parent??  It's lovely that you love your son - now - but your analysis makes me wonder if you truly were focused on the best interests of a child as the number one priority before having a child? 

I had my child at 42 and we got married while I was pregnant - we knew we planned on marriage and given my age we started trying to conceive before getting married -we were long distance at the time.  We did not live together officially before marriage.  I know for sure that the responsibility of bringing a child into the world and being new and first time parents paled in comparison to the responsibilities of being newly married.  We didn't try sooner than we did (I was almost 41) because we wanted to make sure we were ready for and excited about marriage and ready for the responsibilities of marriage and parenting.

I am sorry he didn't help you more when you were pregnant. My sense is a lot of it was miscommunication and neither of you being prepared for what it's like to be pregnant/have a pregnant partner.  My husband and I were long distance during quite a bit of my high risk pregnancy.  In fact he was 800 miles away when I went into labor 9 days before my due date.  My mom took me to the hospital.  He arrived as soon as he could get a flight.  I get that it's chaotic.  What kind of birthing/parenting classes did you take?  What was his previous experience with infants, babies, pregnant women?  And no one had experience of what that's like during a pandemic (although our son was born during the H1N1 epidemic).

I think you two are mismatched and I think what you are writing about your thought processes and choices reflect that both of you tend to be self-absorbed/act in your own interests/impulsive.  I agree with counseling as a stable home would be in the best interests of your child.  And also make sure you have all the documentation that he is the father in case you need child support.  Good luck and I'm glad you both love your son -that will help a great deal in making choices in his best interest!

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, Debsterism said:

This relationship is DEAD. Instead of trying to beat a dead horse and find a way to make a man with whom you are completely incompatible at this stage of life fit, it is best to break things off and arrange what you are going to do with the house and the kid. 

People forget that the decade of life that we change the most is between 17 and 27. MAN OH MAN! What you thought was fabulous, that you could deal with, that wasn't "so bad" at the top end of that decade becomes a nightmare when you do finally grow into the person you were meant to be in your late 20s/early 30s. You look back and wonder "what in the world was I thinking!" It's not just you so don't beat yourself up. EVERYONE goes through this which is why I recommend no one have children or marry before they are at least 28 years old (female) and 31 or 32 (male). Too many changes taking place mentally and emotionally before that. 

Just accept that is what has happened here and that it's time to throw in the towel. No matter how good a man he is on paper, how nice a person he is, how hard working or anything else -- HE IS NOT THE MAN FOR YOU. And that is all that counts. 

I know this is bad, but I thought this response was sarcasm 😂😂

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, May said:

On the other hand we wanted to have our children earlier enough so we could be young enough to do stuff after they've flown the nest. No regrets, we love our son, but I'm now seeing the negative side of doing that.

OP, it is incredibly emotionally immature, to have a child knowing this man wouldn't have been a mature enough partner for you.

Hope you can realize you're part of the problem in this.  He's not the immature one.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So you were ready to have a child but not confident enough in who you are and mature enough to get married??

Yes, I don't understand the logic there either. 

OP, I understand that the institution of marriage is not everyone's cup of tea. No real issue there. But it makes no sense to cite lack of maturity/confidence/self-actualization as the reason for not marrying, yet apparently none of that matters when it comes to creatnig a new life together?

[smackie9]

So what do you really want? do a trial separation and work it out? or work it out? or just kick him to the curb? And does he even know exactly how you see this relationship? and how you view him?

[Hollyj]

5 hours ago, RubyTrue said:

Us too. We talked about doing it one day when we had the money. We chose a house first and yes we are. Which is why everything is a bit complicated.

 

I also feel that marriage is for when you are confident in who you are and mature enough to own it. I know he is still finding himself, hence wanting to wait till our 30s. On the other hand we wanted to have our children earlier enough so we could be young enough to do stuff after they've flown the nest. No regrets, we love our son, but I'm now seeing the negative side of doing that. (In terms of still being compatible as you get older)

I don't understand, you are old enough to bring another human into the world, but not get married?  A child is much more costly than getting married.   I am not saying that you have to be married to have a child, I just don't understand your position.

Your bf sounds like a child.  If someone apologizes, but continues to repeat the behavior how can you have any faith in their word, as they obviously didn't mean it.    It sounds like you are raising two children.  I don't understand why you would choose this man to raise a child with!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I don't understand the logic there either. 

OP, I understand that the institution of marriage is not everyone's cup of tea. No real issue there. But it makes no sense to cite lack of maturity/confidence/self-actualization as the reason for not marrying, yet apparently none of that matters when it comes to creatnig a new life together?

To be clear she said they do want marriage -in their 30s when they are confident in who they are and mature enough (if I read that right). Totally fine if they didn't want marriage and instead an alternative partnership where they took into account the best interests of the child -a stable family unit, etc.

[Girlstopplayin]

Since you are only in your late twenties yes it’s most likely you want out. I would have sex with him though and start working on yourself saving money in secret and working on your plan to leave. 

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To be clear she said they do want marriage -in their 30s when they are confident in who they are and mature enough (if I read that right).

Yes, exactly. I got all of that. 

Mature and confident enough to have a child now, but not mature and confident enough for marriage? That doesn't make sense. 

Nobody is arguing that they need to be married to have a child. But it seems rather insincere to city maturity as the reason to avoid marriage when they're already bound to each other through life with this little one.

Sounds to me like one of them is hesitant about making this relationship more permanent (i.e. through marriage) and is hoping the maturity narrative will buy them time. 

[catfeeder]

I believe that the top thing that kills libido in women is anger.

Men might lose desire over more private things, but I think they are better at channeling rage into desire than women. While there might be something said for 'make up' sex being fabulous, I'd argue that it's likely only great for the woman if her anger has been resolved rather than squelched.

So I guess the first thing I'd want to do is remember back to the last time in my relationship when I can remember being satisfied--or even thrilled--with our sex life.

Then I'd trace forward what major changes we've gone through since then, and I'd identify what, specifically, about those events made me angry, or at least really disappointed, during those times.

From there, I'd look at that list, and I'd try to identify the times that I've positioned myself to amplify my anger toward my partner by setting him up to disappoint me even further.

For instance, if I was angry at one choice and tried to force him to change something fundamental about his deep allegiances or a personality trait, then this would only set me up for even more anger when he failed to make those changes. Were my expectations reasonable?

This isn't about making myself a villain--it's about getting honest with myself about my own attempts to try to change another person rather than wrestle with MY choice about whether or not this is a dealbreaker for me.

This stuff adds up. I'd want to shave off any anger that I've self-generated in order to look at the foundational stuff about my partner that WILL NOT CHANGE, because from there I can have a long overdue face-off with my decisions about that, which I've been putting off only to hold anger about.

It doesn't work to say, "I shouldn't feel angry at him for this..." when angry is exactly what you feel. But it does help to take an inventory of which things you're actually angry about versus those which you've mistakenly set him up to fail, which manufactured more anger than you really 'need' to carry.

From there, you've boiled your anger down to one crucial choice to make about each instance: Can I, or do I even want to, forgive and let go of my anger toward this?

It might help to pursue your own private counseling for this. From there you can decide whether asking your parter to pursue couples counseling with is something you'll want to try, or whether the things you're angry about can be healed on your own, OR, whether these are things you can't get past are dealbreakers for you.

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how your'e doing.

[rchubn]

You guys live with each other and you have a child. 

 

I think its a little late to worry about "not wasting your 20s" you two share a life now. Its not fair to you, him or the kid. You should treat your relationship as a marriage, that you two are together for the long haul and take the necessary steps to better your relationship. It's not fair to your child (or yourselves) to throw in the towel because you're bored or you're not sexually attracted to this person anymore. This is why people suggest marriage before taking on huge life commitments like moving together and creating a human being together. Because you guys started backwards you'll have to resolve your issues in a unique way as well. You'll have to put in the same passion for strengthen your relationship like you would if you two were trying to save a 20 year marriage. Now, In order for you guys to separate youd have to literally dismantle BOTH of your lives. This is why they suggest marriage (a written commitment/covenant that you'd be willing to resolve your issues at all costs) before throwing in huge life milestones like moving in and having a baby. 

 

[rchubn]

I'm not sure what you feel like youre missing out on but the reality is, leaving him won't solve all your sex issues/feeling bored. Youre no longer in a position where you can be the "no strings attached/enjoying your 20s" person. You have a child now.

 

Leaving will just complicate your life even more.

 

- You'll have to coparent with your ex meaning for the next 18 years you'll have to combine your time with the person you decided to leave "because you're bored" 

 

- On top of that your ex probably won't be pleased that you left him randomly and you'll have to co parent with someone who was unhappy/hurt by you. If he's a normal human being he won't make coparenting with him easy for you. 

 

- A lesser man might even decide to bail all together leaving you being a single mom. 

 

- If you're in the united states its likely that you'll be the primary caregiver of the child. It will be close to impossible to create a balanced custody plan where you both get equal time. 

 

- His finances will reflect that of a single man/single household meaning he'll only be accountable for the amount of child support he could realistically pay meaning you could be primary caregiver and primary the one financially supporting the child. It'll cost you more of your time and more money than itll ever cost him. 

 

- Where will you live? Roommates?  What about your own living accommodations. Youll have to support yourself financially with that as a single person.  

 

- Do you work? You have a child. Childcare is expensive, some stranger would need to watch the kid while you and your coparent partner work.  

 

You should just fix things with him. Your life will be complicated otherwise. 

 

 

[Tanzi]

In answer to your question, it does sound as though the relationship has run it's course.  It sounds like it's a case of loving him but not being IN love with him.  That being said, a new baby is going to have an affect on your libido. When you are giving your whole being to nurture a baby, it feels like there is not much left of you to give.  I agree that counselling should be your next step.  Have you been completely honest with him as to how you are feeling?  It is easy to get in a rut.  It does take work to keep a marriage alive.  Maybe counselling will help you both address where things are going wrong.