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Everything posted by RubyTrue

  1. Us too. We talked about doing it one day when we had the money. We chose a house first and yes we are. Which is why everything is a bit complicated. I also feel that marriage is for when you are confident in who you are and mature enough to own it. I know he is still finding himself, hence wanting to wait till our 30s. On the other hand we wanted to have our children earlier enough so we could be young enough to do stuff after they've flown the nest. No regrets, we love our son, but I'm now seeing the negative side of doing that. (In terms of still being compatible as you get older)
  2. Thank you for this, that makes me feel a bit better. This is where my mind was at, but it's nice to know this is actually a thing.
  3. I assume you didn't read through the comments, I haven't avoided counselling, I've actually said quite the opposite and have been encouraged by the other posters to suggest it to my OH. This also isn't meant to be a bashing opportunity but it is me seeking an opinion of others about my own feelings. Trying to rationalise it and be subjective is sometimes hard so this is why I'm asking for people's comments on my side of the story. It's supposed to be one sided but in our relationship he has his side and that will be included as we work through it together, I just assumed everyone knew that was a given. Thank you for your comment anyway. I didn't know they did online counselling, that will probably be more appealing for him and I will suggest it later.
  4. Hi Holly, Sorry no not at all. One example is: When I was heavily pregnant I had such swollen legs I couldn't walk very far. My partner had left over holiday to use and had the option to use it or get paid. I asked him to take it so that he might help me prep the house before baby comes and just day to day stuff I was struggling with as it was all getting a bit much - I wouldn't expect him to take time off otherwise but if the option is there, why not? He works for his family's business and due to covid they wanted to take all the jobs they could get (understandable) we had a miscommunication and he took the pay and did all the "jobs" I wanted over the weekend. I appreciated he wanted to help his family but I was really struggling and needed him here, he had the option and he chose work. After he said he assumed I was okay with it. Can't remember why he assumed that but when he realised his mistake and I opened up about how hard everything was and I just needed him, he was sympathetic and clearly upset that he was between a rock and a hard place but he still didn't do anything to fix it. So I struggled quite a bit at the end of the pregnancy. There are quite a few other situations where I've been left feeling like he's said sorry but never followed up to fix his mistakes. But again, it's usually little things that aren't prominent on their own but add up over time.
  5. Absolutely. It's clear that counselling is our next step. I'll speak to him once our sons gone to bed tonight and hopefully he's open to it. Thank you all.
  6. He is very intelligent and his empathy has increased over time, definitely a low emotional maturity. I always knew this was a problem but we met when we were 20 and he had just had a bit of a personal traumatic event which I won't disclose but that is what I chalked it all up to. Decided that he could only mature with age and he's very much like his father, who is a wonderful man. I assumed the apple couldn't fall far from the tree. This exactly. Thank you for putting it into words when I couldn't. I don't know if counselling would fix that. I have hope because he does think a little more than he used to, but definitely not enough.
  7. Thank you for your comment but I did not say I find anything "repulsive" this isn't a postpartum issue as it originates pre-baby. However I have already recognised that hormones could have played a part in the beginning, now they do not.
  8. Thank you, those are my thoughts too. Hard to do that when you love someone and the good shines through. It helps hearing someone else say it though. Also just seen your edit on the other comment. So thank you for that too.
  9. The racist remark was recent. He isn't a racist person but sadly around people who joke around about it often. I also feel him entertaining those types of people is immature however they've been there for him emotionally when he needed it so I slightly understand the loyalty because he doesnt partake in the "bad" stuff they do. To put it in context he saw a black man walking on the other side of the road and said quietly so only both he and I could hear "hi, be my friend" and when I asked what he was on about, he said everyone needs a black friend. So, yeah. Not really sure on that one but I did tell him it wasnt appreciated. Love. He really is a good man, just immature. I've always focused on the positives, of which he has many. But I sense you can understand why these negatives are becoming more prominent as we get older.
  10. He has always said he would rather end a relationship than do counselling as he thinks a relationship must be really bad if you need therapy. That was years ago though in our early years and his thoughts on various types of therapies has changed but it has always sat with me. I may try suggesting it to him in all seriousness. Thank you.
  11. Hi Holly, It is one of those situations where it's a straw that broke the camels back, but it's hard to recall all the individual straws because on their own they're insignificant but all together, like ants, its strong.. does that make sense?? The only ones I can think of that would have happened multiple times are negative judgy, comments about people (for example look at the size of her, ew, minging) On occasion... a bit racist. Grabbing at me intimately all the time, making comments like "show us your ***". All in good fun but when I've told him I don't like it over and over, it doesnt change. He also seems to condone his friends drug habits and will defend him till the cows come home but his friend once made a joke about me being a hooker and he laughed with them and made no attempt to defend me. Those are only some examples but I hope it gives you a bit of a clearer idea.
  12. We still have fun, albeit different now in lockdown and as parents but we both expected that. Your comment has actually got me thinking about it from a different perspective.... apart from gaming we don't really have any similar "fun" activities we like to do. We used to travel a lot until we decided to settle down. Maybe we could try to find something we both like... thank you.
  13. He's a very good man, as I stated. My fear is that we are too different and out of respect I would never ask him to change. There are compromises that need to be made in a relationship and whilst I do what I can, I don't feel he does what he could. To that extent it must be all I can give and after all these years of relying on "he's a good man" I'm now asking myself, but is that enough to maintain a happy and healthy relationship and family. He is "immature" in a fun sense, like a friend and fun guy at a party sort of thing. I wanted to have a child with him because I love him and knew he would make a fantastic dad, which he has. This isn't about his abilities as a father, it is as a partner. But if feels like you're suggesting that as long as he's a good dad and a good guy deep down a woman should be quiet and get on with it even if her emotional and mental needs are not being met?? Unfortunately I have tried your suggestions already and constantly battle the negatives with his positives but I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I put my life aside (happily) so he could train and pass his qualifications, supported him and believed in him for 5 years. Sadly it seems a lot of your response seems to be founded on pigments of your own interpretation of our relationship. Things that don't exist nor were suggested. I thank you for your comment but feel you've sort of missed my point...
  14. It's not a sudden need unfortunately, something that has been around for years and something we've always talked about but it got swept under the rug and life went on because we were having fun. I'm hopeful to hear that it might get better as we're both definitely committed. The lust is a building tension because he clearly very much wants this exciting sex life and I feel nothing. I want to fix it sooner rather than later. We are chalk and cheese and the positives have almost always out shon the negatives but it feels as thought our differences have suddenly been pushed to their limits and beyond since I was in the last trimester of pregnancy. I have of course never quoted that to him directly, having been emotionally abused I am very much aware of how words can cut and in our conversations it is very give and take. I disagree incredibly that I am emotionally abusive, anything but. But impatient I am and I'll be the first to admit. Something I work very hard on in our relationship.
  15. Hi Izac, I don't think this has anything to do with being committed enough, because it's been 9 months and deciding to be with someone forever is a big old thing. Even being with someone for years we can only go with what we feel in the moment. You say you can see a future, no problem. Maybe she just needs you to elaborate a little? Or, if it's too soon for you to be thinking about the future like that then tell her, or be theoretical. Do you want kids, if so, how many? Have you thought about where you want to live? .... if you've not thought about any of that though, that's totally okay! Your 20s are about figuring stuff out. It could be hormones talking, around mid twenties is definitely a common time for women to start emotionally thinking about having kids... even if not right away, its the pathway to them. So we start questioning everything. I get that it's probably a bit scary and a bit much but it's an uncontrollable primal thing. We want to know we're working towards that place with the right person and that we're both on the right path. Sounds like you need to be completely honest about how you're feeling, ask her where she wants to be and see how that resinates for you... at the end of the conversation, if you both feel okay then that's good. If you've been honest as you can and true to yourself and she isn't satisfied, unfortunately theres nothing you can do and in the nicest way, it's her problem to deal with then. Just trust your gut, be true about it all and don't worry. 9 months is still early to know.
  16. There are definitely feelings between her and her coworker, no questions asked. You need to confront her and don't back down when she insists they're just friends. Those are all obvious signs that there is more between them and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
  17. Hi Shyguy, Sorry to say but sounds like it is more one sided than you think. I think of myself as a very independent woman (also stubborn, strong willed and spiky as my partner would say!) And whenever I am really feeling that connection, I wouldn't be dating other people. After 4 dates it would be enough to know if it's a yay or a nay and the fact you feel like you have to put in that much effort to keep a spark, sounds like a red flag in itself. You sound like you have wonderful date ideas and neither you or her need to change, but you obviously just don't have that spark. I'd say leave it be and move on. If she really is that independent then she will have no problem reaching back out to you if it's what she wants. I can speak from experience when I say sometimes putting in ALL the effort has the opposite effect. It's odd. Good luck.
  18. This sounds awfully similar to my own experiences with my partner. We've now been together over 5 years, we bought a house, had a baby. And nothing has changed. It's hard to see the relationship as a negative when there are so many positives but in my experience those red flags never go away. No house, no amount of years and no baby is going to change that. When you go to buy a house, you need to be 100% all in. If you still think there is more in you to try then I would suggest renting, but make sure you have a back up plan for where you can go if it doesnt work out. From your description it sounds like the relationship has run its course but I know it is all more complex than that. Trust your gut, is all I can say. And good luck x
  19. Hello all. I want to try to keep this as short as possible (hence the punchy title) My partner and I have been together 5 and 1/2 years. Have an 8 month old boy and live together in a house we bought 3 years ago (mortgaged). I love him but shrivel up when he tries to be affectionate. Sex is a chore, I want to want it but I just don't lust after him anymore. I put it down to a reduced libido after having a baby but I've realised recently it's not. We've never had a deep emotional connection and THAT is what I believe really makes women tick. Well, at least me! He is always making little childish mistakes, thoughtless ones, and they've stacked up. I know my libido could improve if the way he came on to me or his attitudes towards certain things changed but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face and everything is good for about a fortnight only. I've run out of patience or energy to try. I'm scared the relationship has run its course but because of our son I'm not willing to throw the towel in until I'm certain it is better for us both to separate. We're in our late 20s so I'm torn because although our son comes first, I can't bear the thought of being trapped like this for all our "prime" years. He is a good hearted, funny, hard working man. But he is a sheep amongst his friends, "if he jumps, I'll jump too" sort of mentality and I can't stand it. It's my fault for thinking he would mature out of it but having our son seems to have caused a regression in his mentality. We generally have a great and comfortable relationship... but the lack of sex is becoming an elephant in the room. Could this get better or does this sound like it has indeed run its course?
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