New baby, no sex. Feeling trapped. Man child or young mistakes?

[RubyTrue]

Hello all. I want to try to keep this as short as possible (hence the punchy title)

My partner and I have been together 5 and 1/2 years. Have an 8 month old boy and live together in a house we bought 3 years ago (mortgaged).

I love him but shrivel up when he tries to be affectionate. Sex is a chore, I want to want it but I just don't lust after him anymore. I put it down to a reduced libido after having a baby but I've realised recently it's not. We've never had a deep emotional connection and THAT is what I believe really makes women tick. Well, at least me!

He is always making little childish mistakes, thoughtless ones, and they've stacked up. I know my libido could improve if the way he came on to me or his attitudes towards certain things changed but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face and everything is good for about a fortnight only. I've run out of patience or energy to try. I'm scared the relationship has run its course but because of our son I'm not willing to throw the towel in until I'm certain it is better for us both to separate.

We're in our late 20s so I'm torn because although our son comes first, I can't bear the thought of being trapped like this for all our "prime" years.

He is a good hearted, funny, hard working man. But he is a sheep amongst his friends, "if he jumps, I'll jump too" sort of mentality and I can't stand it. It's my fault for thinking he would mature out of it but having our son seems to have caused a regression in his mentality.

We generally have a great and comfortable relationship... but the lack of sex is becoming an elephant in the room. Could this get better or does this sound like it has indeed run its course?

[Rose Mosse]

"little childish mistakes" is a bit patronizing so he might have lost confidence around you. If you've got one foot out the door already and think of him as childish I think it's best to end it and go your separate ways. You would come across as impatient, emotionally abusive and dismissive of who he is. I'm sure that is not what you intend. 

Why is there a sudden intense need for an emotional connection and lust? I ask this genuinely. You both just had a baby and have a bit to handle and adjust to. I think this will only get better if you're both committed to the relationship.

[maritalbliss86]

 

6 minutes ago, May said:

I'm scared the relationship has run its course but because of our son I'm not willing to throw the towel in until I'm certain it is better for us both to separate.

We're in our late 20s so I'm torn because although our son comes first, I can't bear the thought of being trapped like this for all our "prime" years.

 

7 minutes ago, May said:

He is a good hearted, funny, hard working man. But he is a sheep amongst his friends, "if he jumps, I'll jump too" sort of mentality and I can't stand it. It's my fault for thinking he would mature out of it but having our son seems to have caused a regression in his mentality.

He sounds like a good person, OP.  I think you really need to ask yourself why you picked someone to be the father of your child, have a mortgage with, start a life out with, when you knew he was, "immature?"

Why did you want the father of your child to be, "immature?"

I've seen a lot of women do this in my real life circle of people we know... it's almost always that the woman wanted the control in the relationship.  She wanted to be the, "mature," one, but it's very unequal and one-sided, and unless he's able to become more of a leader and decision maker, these women end up very unhappy.

They find out that it's hard to be attracted to a man like that.  Sexual attraction goes out the window, because over time, you've started to lose respect for him.  

But you picked him, and now your son loves and adores him it sounds like.  

You can throw it all away and hurt your son, blow up your family, or you can take responsibility for the choices you've made in life, work it out with him, and step back and let him grow into becoming a leader or at least, more mature.

These men CAN do that, but usually the woman seems to get very impatient and resentful and grows cold and bitter overtime.

You can increase your own libido, what you said was harming your sex life (you weren't interested in him), by focusing on his good attributes, what really is attractive about him.  

Having a good sex life, having a woman who believes in him and is on his side, that increases confidence in men and helps them become more successful overtime.  It doesn't' happen overnight though... you'd have to wait and grow with him over years of growth and maturity.  And not get resentful.  I know that sounds like it's asking a lot, but that's the position you've put yourself in with your choices.

[RubyTrue]

27 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

"little childish mistakes" is a bit patronizing so he might have lost confidence around you. If you've got one foot out the door already and think of him as childish I think it's best to end it and go your separate ways. You would come across as impatient, emotionally abusive and dismissive of who he is. I'm sure that is not what you intend. 

Why is there a sudden intense need for an emotional connection and lust? I ask this genuinely. You both just had a baby and have a bit to handle and adjust to. I think this will only get better if you're both committed to the relationship.

It's not a sudden need unfortunately, something that has been around for years and something we've always talked about but it got swept under the rug and life went on because we were having fun. I'm hopeful to hear that it might get better as we're both definitely committed.

The lust is a building tension because he clearly very much wants this exciting sex life and I feel nothing. I want to fix it sooner rather than later.

We are chalk and cheese and the positives have almost always out shon the negatives but it feels as thought our differences have suddenly been pushed to their limits and beyond since I was in the last trimester of pregnancy.

I have of course never quoted that to him directly, having been emotionally abused I am very much aware of how words can cut and in our conversations it is very give and take. I disagree incredibly that I am emotionally abusive, anything but. But impatient I am and I'll be the first to admit. Something I work very hard on in our relationship.

[RubyTrue]

10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

 

 

He sounds like a good person, OP.  I think you really need to ask yourself why you picked someone to be the father of your child, have a mortgage with, start a life out with, when you knew he was, "immature?"

Why did you want the father of your child to be, "immature?"

I've seen a lot of women do this in my real life circle of people we know... it's almost always that the woman wanted the control in the relationship.  She wanted to be the, "mature," one, but it's very unequal and one-sided, and unless he's able to become more of a leader and decision maker, these women end up very unhappy.

They find out that it's hard to be attracted to a man like that.  Sexual attraction goes out the window, because over time, you've started to lose respect for him.  

But you picked him, and now your son loves and adores him it sounds like.  

You can throw it all away and hurt your son, blow up your family, or you can take responsibility for the choices you've made in life, work it out with him, and step back and let him grow into becoming a leader or at least, more mature.

These men CAN do that, but usually the woman seems to get very impatient and resentful and grows cold and bitter overtime.

You can increase your own libido, what you said was harming your sex life (you weren't interested in him), by focusing on his good attributes, what really is attractive about him.  

Having a good sex life, having a woman who believes in him and is on his side, that increases confidence in men and helps them become more successful overtime.  It doesn't' happen overnight though... you'd have to wait and grow with him over years of growth and maturity.  And not get resentful.  I know that sounds like it's asking a lot, but that's the position you've put yourself in with your choices.

He's a very good man, as I stated. My fear is that we are too different and out of respect I would never ask him to change.

There are compromises that need to be made in a relationship and whilst I do what I can, I don't feel he does what he could. To that extent it must be all I can give and after all these years of relying on "he's a good man" I'm now asking myself, but is that enough to maintain a happy and healthy relationship and family.

He is "immature" in a fun sense, like a friend and fun guy at a party sort of thing. I wanted to have a child with him because I love him and knew he would make a fantastic dad, which he has. This isn't about his abilities as a father, it is as a partner. But if feels like you're suggesting that as long as he's a good dad and a good guy deep down a woman should be quiet and get on with it even if her emotional and mental needs are not being met?? 

Unfortunately I have tried your suggestions already and constantly battle the negatives with his positives but I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I put my life aside (happily) so he could train and pass his qualifications, supported him and believed in him for 5 years. Sadly it seems a lot of your response seems to be founded on pigments of your own interpretation of our relationship. Things that don't exist nor were suggested.

I thank you for your comment but feel you've sort of missed my point...

[boltnrun]

You say you overlooked these things before because you two were "having fun".

When did you stop "having fun"? And why is everything no longer "fun"?

[Hollyj]

Can you provide some examples of the behavior?

[RubyTrue]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You say you overlooked these things before because you two were "having fun".

When did you stop "having fun"? And why is everything no longer "fun"?

We still have fun, albeit different now in lockdown and as parents but we both expected that.

Your comment has actually got me thinking about it from a different perspective.... apart from gaming we don't really have any similar "fun" activities we like to do. We used to travel a lot until we decided to settle down. Maybe we could try to find something we both like... thank you.

[melancholy123]

How about some couples counselling?  If you dont get something sorted out you may end up a single mom as this does not sound sustainable as it is.

[RubyTrue]

12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Can you provide some examples of the behavior?

Hi Holly,

It is one of those situations where it's a straw that broke the camels back, but it's hard to recall all the individual straws because on their own they're insignificant but all together, like ants, its strong..  does that make sense??

The only ones I can think of that would have happened multiple times are negative judgy, comments about people (for example look at the size of her, ew, minging) On occasion... a bit racist.

Grabbing at me intimately all the time, making comments like "show us your ***". All in good fun but when I've told him I don't like it over and over, it doesnt change.

He also seems to condone his friends drug habits and will defend him till the cows come home but his friend once made a joke about me being a hooker and he laughed with them and made no attempt to defend me.

Those are only some examples but I hope it gives you a bit of a clearer idea.

[RubyTrue]

6 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

How about some couples counselling?  If you dont get something sorted out you may end up a single mom as this does not sound sustainable as it is.

He has always said he would rather end a relationship than do counselling as he thinks a relationship must be really bad if you need therapy. That was years ago though in our early years and his thoughts on various types of therapies has changed but it has always sat with me. I may try suggesting it to him in all seriousness. Thank you.

[SooSad33]

19 minutes ago, May said:

constantly battle the negatives with his positives but I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I put my life aside (happily) so he could train and pass his qualifications, supported him and believed in him for 5 years.

Sadly, it sounds like you're just not in it anymore.. and what you don't want eventually is resentment 😕 .

You just can't find good enough reason to stay with him - waiting on him to change?

Some guys will 'grow up' more.. some don't, as some need more maturing to do- as men hit that later than women do ( mid 20's).

I figure, this is just how he is.  So, you tried with him, but it's not there and his ways don;t do you any good.

Is nothing wrong with ending a relationship if you are truly not happy in it.  Many people manage being apart, rather than 'forcing it'.

[Hollyj]

6 minutes ago, May said:

Hi Holly,

It is one of those situations were it's a straw that broke the camels back, but it's hard to recall all the individual straws because on their own they're insignificant but all together, like ants, its strong..  does that make sense??

The only ones I can think of that would have happened multiple times are negative judgy, comments about people (for example look at the size of her, ew, minging) On occasion... a bit racist.

Grabbing at me intimately all the time, making comments like "show us your ***". All in good fun but when I've told him I don't like it over and over, it doesnt change.

He also seems to condone his friends drug habits and will defend him till the cows come home but his friend once made a joke about me being a hooker and he laughed with them and made no attempt to defend me.

Those are only some examples but I hope it gives you a bit of a clearer idea.

The critical remarks and racist comments would be a no go for me.   Especially, anything racist.  

The other comments sound very immature.  This type of talk sounds like someone in their teens or early 20's. Can I ask why you decided to have a baby with someone like this?

This is who this guy is.  You have spoken to him numerous times.  You can try therapy to see if he will listen to a third party, because what you are doing is not working.  If he refuses, you should walk.   

[RubyTrue]

Just now, Hollyj said:

The critical remarks and racist comments would be a no go for me.   Especially, anything racist.  

The other comments sound very immature.  Can I ask why you decided to have a baby with someone like this?

The racist remark was recent. He isn't a racist person but sadly around people who joke around about it often. I also feel him entertaining those types of people is immature however they've been there for him emotionally when he needed it so I slightly understand the loyalty because he doesnt partake in the "bad" stuff they do. To put it in context he saw a black man walking on the other side of the road and said quietly so only both he and I could hear "hi, be my friend" and when I asked what he was on about, he said everyone needs a black friend. So, yeah. Not really sure on that one but I did tell him it wasnt appreciated.

Love. He really is a good man, just immature. I've always focused on the positives, of which he has many. But I sense you can understand why these negatives are becoming more prominent as we get older.

[Hollyj]

What are the "thoughtless mistakes?"

[Hollyj]

Just now, May said:

The racist remark was recent. He isn't a racist person but sadly around people who joke around about it often. I also feel him entertaining those types of people is immature however they've been there for him emotionally when he needed it so I slightly understand the loyalty because he doesnt partake in the "bad" stuff they do. To put it in context he saw a black man walking on the other side of the road and said quietly so only both he and I could hear "hi, be my friend" and when I asked what he was on about, he said everyone needs a black friend. So, yeah. Not really sure on that one but I did tell him it wasnt appreciated.

Love. He really is a good man, just immature. I've always focused on the positives, of which he has many. But I sense you can understand why these negatives are becoming more prominent as we get older.

We are who we associate with.  I would not be friends with anyone who made any racist or anti-gay comments.  I think you need to stop making excuses.

[RubyTrue]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

We are who we associate with.  I would not be friends with anyone who made any racist or anti-gay comments.  I think you need to stop making excuses.

Thank you, those are my thoughts too. Hard to do that when you love someone and the good shines through. It helps hearing someone else say it though.

Also just seen your edit on the other comment. So thank you for that too.

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, May said:

Thank you, those are my thoughts too. Hard to do that when you love someone and the good shines through. It helps hearing someone else say it though.

I would push the couples counseling, if he refuses then you have to decide if you can continue with this childish and inappropriate behavior.   His behavior is very immature and unacceptable.  

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear this. Not acceptable at all. 

26 minutes ago, May said:

He has always said he would rather end a relationship than do counselling as he thinks a relationship must be really bad if you need therapy. That was years ago though in our early years and his thoughts on various types of therapies has changed but it has always sat with me. I may try suggesting it to him in all seriousness. Thank you.

I would speak frankly with him that you are serious about marriage counselling. He may have said these several times in passing loosely, the way he seems to make casual racist remarks, but isn't fully recognizing that the marriage is on the rocks. 

People like this generally repeat what they hear from other sources (without any barrier or filter), low emotional maturity or EQ and no empathy for others. You mentioned that he behaves like a sheep. It could be more of a need to people-please. I wouldn't be able to put up with any racist, derogatory or mocking remarks about size, skin-colour or other types of discrimination. Unfortunately your husband lacks discretion and is unable to discern what's inappropriate. 

 

 

[Hollyj]

What are the "thoughtless mistakes?"

[DancingFool]

You were with him for 5 years and you admit yourself that you mostly get along and have fun together. He was good enough to buy a house with, good enough to build a life with, and good enough to have a child with.

8 months after giving birth, you find everything about your partner repulsive and can't enjoy sex with him. Consider getting yourself checked for post partum issues as this is pretty common for women. Misfiring hormonal issues causing you to suddenly feel off even if you don't realize you are off and are trying hard to rationalize your desire to reject your partner. 

[RubyTrue]

18 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You were with him for 5 years and you admit yourself that you mostly get along and have fun together. He was good enough to buy a house with, good enough to build a life with, and good enough to have a child with.

8 months after giving birth, you find everything about your partner repulsive and can't enjoy sex with him. Consider getting yourself checked for post partum issues as this is pretty common for women. Misfiring hormonal issues causing you to suddenly feel off even if you don't realize you are off and are trying hard to rationalize your desire to reject your partner. 

Thank you for your comment but I did not say I find anything "repulsive" this isn't a postpartum issue as it originates pre-baby. However I have already recognised that hormones could have played a part in the beginning, now they do not.

[RubyTrue]

52 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

People like this generally repeat what they hear from other sources (without any barrier or filter), low emotional maturity or EQ and no empathy for others.

He is very intelligent and his empathy has increased over time, definitely a low emotional maturity. I always knew this was a problem but we met when we were 20 and he had just had a bit of a personal traumatic event which I won't disclose but that is what I chalked it all up to. Decided that he could only mature with age and he's very much like his father, who is a wonderful man. I assumed the apple couldn't fall far from the tree.

55 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Unfortunately your husband lacks discretion and is unable to discern what's inappropriate. 

 

This exactly. Thank you for putting it into words when I couldn't. I don't know if counselling would fix that. I have hope because he does think a little more than he used to, but definitely not enough.

[boltnrun]

Perhaps counseling can help.

It's good idea to realize that both parties usually can do with some adjustments and changes in behavior. It's not always just the other person. 

[RubyTrue]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Perhaps counseling can help.

It's good idea to realize that both parties usually can do with some adjustments and changes in behavior. It's not always just the other person. 

Absolutely. It's clear that counselling is our next step. I'll speak to him once our sons gone to bed tonight and hopefully he's open to it.

Thank you all.