New baby, no sex. Feeling trapped. Man child or young mistakes?

[Tanzi]

4 hours ago, rchubn said:

leaving will just complicate your life even more.

Not necessarily - not in the long term anyway.  Gone are the days where it is thought that it is better to stay together for the sake of the children.  It is now recognised that it can be damaging for the children to be brought up in a hostile and loveless environment (not that I'm saying that is what is happening here at this moment in time).

Neither do I think that she is ready to throw in the towel because she is bored.  OP clearly said she is not ready to do that.  She said she wants it to work out - or rather she wants to want to make it work .... and I think she will try.  However,  if counselling doesn't bring back certain elements that are lost in this relationship (or that were never really there) and she comes to the realisation that the marriage really is over then, in the long-term, it is better to part and co-parent than it is to bring a baby up in a hostile and resentful environment - which it will become if the situation is not sorted out one way or the other.

We are not there yet though.  

[Tanzi]

On 4/1/2021 at 9:07 PM, Batya33 said:

So you were ready to have a child but not confident enough in who you are and mature enough to get married??

This confused me a bit too. 

You've been together over 5 years.  If you were ready to have a baby (which is the biggest commitment of all) then surely you would be ready for marriage.  I'm not saying people HAVE to be married to have a baby but generally speaking people want to have children with the one they are expecting to spend the rest of their lives with.  I think it is more a case of not being ready to marry THIS man.

[Batya33]

Just now, Blue68 said:

This confused me a bit too. 

You've been together over 5 years.  If you were ready to have a baby (which is the biggest commitment of all) then surely you would be ready for marriage.  I'm not saying people HAVE to be married to have a baby but generally speaking people want to have children with the one they are expecting to spend the rest of their lives with.  I think it is more a case of not being ready to marry THIS man.

Again she said she did want to marry him but in her 30s when she was mature and confident enough and he was too.  

[Tanzi]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Again she said she did want to marry him but in her 30s when she was mature and confident enough and he was too.  

Meaning she isn't ready to marry him now.  How, then, does she know if she will ever be ready to marry him. 

And mature and confident enough for what?  They've already taken on the biggest commitment of their lives by having a baby.  It sounds as though the marriage was put off for other reasons.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Blue68 said:

Meaning she isn't ready to marry him now.  How, then, does she know if she will ever be ready to marry him. 

And mature and confident enough for what?  They've already taken on the biggest commitment of their lives by having a baby.  It sounds as though the marriage was put off for other reasons.  

Oh I agree.  Completely -just wanted it to be clear what she wrote. Having a child was in hindsight a bigger commitment in certain ways than marrying my husband.  Did both at once basically.

[Tanzi]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I agree.  Completely -just wanted it to be clear what she wrote. Having a child was in hindsight a bigger commitment in certain ways than marrying my husband.  Did both at once basically.

Oh yes, sorry.  I was also addressing the OP there.  I didn't make that very clear.

[Cassandra Rice]

On 4/2/2021 at 1:36 AM, RubyTrue said:

He's a very good man, as I stated. My fear is that we are too different and out of respect I would never ask him to change.

There are compromises that need to be made in a relationship and whilst I do what I can, I don't feel he does what he could. To that extent it must be all I can give and after all these years of relying on "he's a good man" I'm now asking myself, but is that enough to maintain a happy and healthy relationship and family.

He is "immature" in a fun sense, like a friend and fun guy at a party sort of thing. I wanted to have a child with him because I love him and knew he would make a fantastic dad, which he has. This isn't about his abilities as a father, it is as a partner. But if feels like you're suggesting that as long as he's a good dad and a good guy deep down a woman should be quiet and get on with it even if her emotional and mental needs are not being met?? 

Unfortunately I have tried your suggestions already and constantly battle the negatives with his positives but I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I put my life aside (happily) so he could train and pass his qualifications, supported him and believed in him for 5 years. Sadly it seems a lot of your response seems to be founded on pigments of your own interpretation of our relationship. Things that don't exist nor were suggested.

I thank you for your comment but feel you've sort of missed my point...

This is ridiculous. You stayed with him, you undertook financial burdens with him and you had a child with him. And now you want to leave because your libido doesn’t go wild? How extremely self centred of you. You should not have done any of the above let alone bring a child into this world with him if you could not handle who he is as a person. You think it’s ok to do so because you felt he would be a good father? Was that fair on your child to bring him in to the world to have a part time father (which would be the case if you split)? Was it fair on your partner to encumber him with a child and co-parent situation? All because you wanted a child, but not the responsibility of staying with a man that you say is good, provides and is hard working. How utterly utterly selfish.

 

your lack of foresight should not punish your son into a life of being raised by a single mother. Once you bring a life into this world it is about the child. Your needs as a woman and his needs as a man go out the window once that decision is made. You sound extremely immature yourself to be honest to expect that a life without your baby daddy is a better alternative than making it work him. You think you will find a better man willing to raise another mans child? LOL, so delusional. You need to grow up and realise you are the immature one here, not your partner. You need to be honest and admit that your partner fulfils the provider role, and now that you have gotten a child out of him and effectively handcuffed him to you financially as a provider for the next 18 years, you now want to go out and fulfill your lustful desires with men who would satisfy you sexually, but would do nothing for your mind or finances. 

[Debsterism]

On 4/1/2021 at 1:59 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

I know this is bad, but I thought this response was sarcasm 😂😂

Nope. Not sure why you would think that. Nothing about the wording was funny or sarcastic. Just to be clear, I was being 100% real with her. She doesn't need sarcasm or jokes right now, she needs some hard core reality and facts about life. She is young enough to be my daughter (don't let my youthful good looks fool ya!) and I've lived many decades watching, looking, experience and observing people in relationships. This relationship is dead. They are NOT married. So no therapy or counseling is warranted. All they need to do is work out custody, child support, and property distribution and get on with their separate lives.