Could it be the pregnancy hormones making her push me away ?

[Gabz]

Just gonna explain the whole situation cuz I need advice on it all. I’m 19 the girl is 20. Been seeing this girl a few months it was going well she said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and I’m perfect which I believe she genuinely thinks. A few weeks ago she started mentioning that she’s worried she’s gonna push me away but I didn’t think anything of it really. Last Sunday she said she’s cutting me off because she doesn’t want a relationship and to commit and that she likes being independent and doesn’t want to loose that. She’s been in bad relationships in the past where she’s been cheated on, lied to and has been her giving and the guy taking . I really want to try and make things work with us I see real potential, I think I love her... and have intentions to go all the way with her. Then on Monday I got a text off her saying she’s pregnant (she found out that day so didn’t know when she cut me off) and at first she was saying she wants to get an abortion which is what I want but now she’s saying she wants to keep it which is really scaring me . The last couple nights we’ve been on the phone for hours talking about feelings ect and I am getting some back off her that she misses me and what we had an was asking if it would be the same if she came and saw me but she’s still feeling the same way about being in a relationship right now.

Everything is just really confusing me and I’ve got a load of things on my mind:

Could it be the pregnancy hormones making her push me away ? She started mentioning pushing me away 2 weeks ago at which time she would have been round 2 weeks pregnant - she said on the phone last night that if she’d have know she was pregnant she wouldn’t have left when she did. What can I do to win her back and prove to her I’d never mess her about like she has been in the past? What can I do to convince her not to have the baby? I want to go to uni next year, have a well paying job see the world ect before I have kids. Is my life over if she has it? I’ve been thinking about it a lot if she had it I would want to be in my child’s life 100% and I would be but I feel like it would ruin my life and I would not be able to achieve anything I want. I’ve told her we are young and wouldn’t be able to give it the life we want to but she’s adamant that she can do it. Any general advice would be massively appreciated as well. Thanks In advance

[Seraphim]

Well, you can’t convince her not to. 
Did both of you use protection ?

[SherrySher]

Condoms, there are there for a reason. 

But seeing it what's done is done, stop trying to convince her to end the baby's life.

Be supportive, help her.

No doubt she is confused, scared and her feelings all over the place.

Keep reminding her that you are there for her and the baby and you aren't going anywhere.

Be a responsible man! You created this life, now do the right thing and take care of this child.

As for what is going to happen between you and her, it's anyone's guess.

But keep reminding her that you are in it for the long haul, and will support her no matter what.

You had plans on how things would go, and when you'd have children, etc.

Plans change.

It does not mean you can't finish Uni at some point, but for now, your job is to make sure she and the baby have what they need.

[SooSad33]

21 minutes ago, Gabz said:

What can I do to win her back and prove to her I’d never mess her about like she has been in the past?

Nothing really.. If she has been affected by her past, her pushing you away was done for her own reasons.

Is up to her to want you in her life.. or not.

Not a good spot to be in though 😞 

 

22 minutes ago, Gabz said:

What can I do to convince her not to have the baby? I want to go to uni next year, have a well paying job see the world ect before I have kids. Is my life over if she has it?

- You tried to explain yourself and she chose to ignore that?

- Is your life over?  No, but if she has it, it will surely change!  You may just have to go find work instead, as I'm sure you will need to help pay for this child.

No guarantee your relationship will work out, due to your age and only been involved a few months- before this.. PLUS, she had pulled away once already...

Sad, cause you two are still so young, just getting going with your lives... but this can happen!  Proof.

[SherrySher]

Yes, lots of young parents have managed to survive this and raised their child/children.

It's not ideal, but you can do this. 

Try not to panic, take it one step at a time.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Gabz said:

she would have been round 2 weeks pregnant - she said on the phone last night that if she’d have know she was pregnant she wouldn’t have left when she did. 

How long have you been dating? Does she live with her parents? Don't panic unless you are sure she's pregnant and more importantly if it's yours.

[Rose Mosse]

No, you can't force her or anyone not to have it. We have made progress in the area of women's rights. If you care about her, support the decision she makes. Get a paternity test if you are not sure if it's yours. You also have a right to be certain whether it's yours.

You may choose not to have a relationship with her because of your disagreement or not seeing eye to eye in the relationship. Give the relationship talks a break and focus on the pregnancy for the moment. See how things go and whether she changes her mind again. 

Deciding whether or not to be with someone based on an unplanned pregnancy quickly isn't a good idea unless you both are already in a stable and happy relationship. This isn't one. Continue taking care of your future and continue to make plans to go to college. Do your research on child support and get the required information so that you have this at your fingertips if/when the time comes. Find out more info about getting a paternity test. 

[boltnrun]

Did you use a condom every single time and is she on a reliable form of birth control? If yes, then this is just one of those things that happen when you have sex.

You can discuss your concerns with her but if she chooses to have the baby you must financially help support the child. You'll need to get at least a part time job to help cover expenses.

I'm not sure if hormones caused her to pull away from you.  Only she can tell you if she's changed her mind.

[gamon]

I got a girlfriend pregnant when I was 15. I had to threaten her with breaking up and even worse stuff even though I was bluffing in order to finally convince her to terminate.

If she kept that baby it would have ruined my life.

[Seraphim]

Threats and worse to harass someone to terminate is not good and pretty repugnant. Just be responsible wear a condom. It’s not hard. It you are BOTH being pro active about birth control .... 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gabz said:

I want to go to uni next year. I’ve told her we are young and wouldn’t be able to give it the life we want to but she’s adamant that she can do it.

Do you live at home? Go to uni, and pursue your life.

First see if she's really pregnant, then if she wants to ruin her life being a 20 y/o single mother with no job, home, husband etc., that's on her. 

She can not pursue child support until she has it (if she does) and proves you are the father through paternity tests. Talk to trusted family about this.

[SherrySher]

15 hours ago, gamon said:

I got a girlfriend pregnant when I was 15. I had to threaten her with breaking up and even worse stuff even though I was bluffing in order to finally convince her to terminate.

If she kept that baby it would have ruined my life.

That's terrible.

Be a responsible man and you won't have to threaten anyone. Not that you ever should threaten any woman, ever!!

[SherrySher]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

First see if she's really pregnant, then if she wants to ruin her life being a 20 y/o single mother with no job, home, husband etc., that's on her. 

Wiseman, while I enjoy reading most of your posts, I do ask kindly if you consider your audience.

Firstly...no it is absolutely "not on her". This man laid down with her, he chose to have sex even with the risks and he impregnated her.

He is as much responsible for this baby, as she is. This is his his child too. 

You can't just push a woman into an abortion clinic and say "oppsie's" and expect her to be okay with going through with it, especially by strong arming her. 

If she can't or doesn't want to put her body through an abortion, then this "man" should step up and take care of his child!!

If this young man is so concerned about creating children, then perhaps he should get a vasectomy. Then there is 100%..NO RISK of pregnancy, ever.

Secondly there are a lot of people on here that were born and raised by single Mum's who were quite young when they had them.

Babies don't ruin lives.

All it means is these people have to step up and start being responsible, work, pay bills etc..much sooner than they anticipated.

There are also many young parents who went on to finish a degree, work to get an excellent career and are doing really well.

Having a baby at a young age does not mean it will end badly. It depends on how much you want to succeed in life, even if that means waiting till your baby is a bit older.

[Jibralta]

18 hours ago, gamon said:

I got a girlfriend pregnant when I was 15. I had to threaten her with breaking up and even worse stuff even though I was bluffing in order to finally convince her to terminate.

If she kept that baby it would have ruined my life.

Terrible.

[MissCanuck]

Is there a chance that this baby isn't yours?

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, gamon said:

I got a girlfriend pregnant when I was 15. I had to threaten her with breaking up and even worse stuff even though I was bluffing in order to finally convince her to terminate.

If she kept that baby it would have ruined my life.

And this is why people who are not ready to have a child shouldn't have sex without protection and without discussing in advance their stance on what would happen if they did conceive a child despite protection.  A person is entitled to know if the person he/she is about to have intercourse with would stoop to lying and deceitful behavior as this person has described.  It's just like a person who claims to be infertile or who claims to be using protection and really is not.  Sad.

OP you cannot convince her nor should you try.  It's her body and you chose to have intercourse with her and you chose these potential consequences.  You two can co-parent and if she decides to proceed with having your child save your pennies so you can pay child support as needed.  It's not about you anymore.  It's about the best interests of your child.  She might choose to abort which sounds like what you would like too.  You'll have to wait and see.  Hopefully the sex was awesome to balance out these consequences that are concerning you so much.  

[gamon]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

And this is why people who are not ready to have a child shouldn't have sex without protection and without discussing in advance their stance on what would happen if they did conceive a child despite protection.  A person is entitled to know if the person he/she is about to have intercourse with would stoop to lying and deceitful behavior as this person has described. 

Probably not a typical conversation two teenagers are likely to have when the hormones are pumping and they're ready to screw like rabbits.

 

[gamon]

5 hours ago, SherrySher said:

That's terrible.

Be a responsible man and you won't have to threaten anyone. Not that you ever should threaten any woman, ever!!

I was 15. Over 40 years ago. I was desperate and scared. She tricked me too, said she was on the pill. After she got pregnant and I asked how could that happen she said maybe she forgot to take it a few times. This was her third abortion (two other guys before me).

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Is there a chance that this baby isn't yours?

Agree. 1. Make sure she's really pregnant. 2. Relax, she may not want a child, it's her choice, nothing you can do. 3. If she decides to keep the pregnancy, she'll have to get a paternity test.

So, if she's pregnant, if she decides to keep it and if it's yours, you'll be responsible for child support.

She'll still have to live at home with her parents and they will have to help her out, since you're 19 live at home and going to university.

You do not have to marry her, live with her, support her or even be involved with her except whatever the courts deem appropriate for child support....Big ifs.

You're entitled to visitation, but that's not mandatory, so all in all, even if it's yours, all you are legally obligated to do is pay court determined child support.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, gamon said:

I was 15. Over 40 years ago. I was desperate and scared. She tricked me too, said she was on the pill. After she got pregnant and I asked how could that happen she said maybe she forgot to take it a few times. This was her third abortion (two other guys before me).

Sorry, you didn't seem sorry at all and lots of people are desperate and scared and don't react by harming other people - yes, even teenagers.  Of course being on the pill isn't enough if you're not willing to risk pregnancy.  I was on the pill and used condoms too when I was in a situation where we wanted to avoid pregnancy at all costs. Who cares if she had other abortions or other partners- apparently you chose to have intercourse and take the risks - knowing that someone having your child could ruin your life -ruin! - so why in the world would you have sex if to you it could ruin your life and have you feeling so desperate and scared that you would lie to and harm an innocent person and try to convince them to terminate a pregnancy?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, gamon said:

Probably not a typical conversation two teenagers are likely to have when the hormones are pumping and they're ready to screw like rabbits.

 

Not true.  I did, my friends did -at that age.  I chose not to be sexually active even when hormones were pumping.  Also not an excuse just like it's not an excuse when a teenager bullies or beats someone up because he was acting on impulse.  

[gamon]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry, you didn't seem sorry at all and lots of people are desperate and scared and don't react by harming other people - yes, even teenagers

Never said I harmed her or that I was going to harm her, please do not misquote me.

She said she was on the pill my mistake was to believe her. At the time I thought the pill was enough.

No I'm not the least bit sorry that I persuaded her to have the abortion, not then and not now.

[boltnrun]

Thread's getting hijacked...

OP, have you talked to her?

[maritalbliss86]

We weren't ready with our first, we were terrified and it did feel like it would negatively, "ruin our lives," but we kept him anyway, and our oldest is by far, the BEST.  He's brilliant (!!) he's only 10 yrs old, but capable of understanding Quantum Mechanics and Einstein's Black Hole theory... he's very advanced and gifted in many different areas.

It's hard to believe if we'd given in to our fears and terminated his life before birth, he wouldn't be here today.

We struggled for many years, had to live below the poverty line and really etch it out, but it's doable.  You can do it.

Edited to add - he understands the beginnings and basics of quantum physics... I don't believe anyone truly understands the depths of how mysterious it all is, but he's brilliant and my point is that his life (and future!) wouldn't have existed if we hadn't trusted and had faith we'd make it through hardship.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, gamon said:

Never said I harmed her or that I was going to harm her, please do not misquote me.

She said she was on the pill my mistake was to believe her. At the time I thought the pill was enough.

No I'm not the least bit sorry that I persuaded her to have the abortion, not then and not now.

I think it's relevant to the OP to see what not to do.  Trying to manipulate someone into aborting a fetus as you did and using deceit and lies is extremely harmful.  

OP I hope you make the right decision and act in a truthful, honest, direct way whether or not she chooses to terminate or not.  Certainly please do share with her your concerns were she to have the baby and tell her you will want a DNA/paternity test but obviously do the right thing by this other human being and your potential future child whether it's just financial support or otherwise.  You will most likely regret it  - or worse- if you try to convince her to terminate particularly if you use lies and manipulation to do so.