Jibralta Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 I am probably going to do a short reply later and just leave it at that. I think it’s best I just back off and leave her to suggest a next meet (which I honestly doubt will happen). A short, polite reply will do credit to your character. Good job, overall. You pushed yourself. You acted in your own interest. Exactly what you should be doing. You got some unpleasant internal reactions... anxiety, self doubt, etc. But I'm sure that wasn't altogether unexpected. You are going through something, after all. It's not going to be a walk in the park.... or a walk in the the Yorkshire Dales, for that matter! Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 I understand the sentiment and the aspiration (which I think is very normal, Disney upbringing or not). What I don't understand is why you're characterizing it as selfish. I suppose because I thinking of myself. I want a relationship, its my feelings I'm putting first. If C isn't interested, that is fine. Or perhaps I'm thinking I should be empathising more when in fact I'm probably being 'codependent' still. I know it harbours in my heart to want to love and be loved, and this desire is perhaps a selfish desire? This sounds to me like you're chastising yourself for having the feelings and aspirations that you have. You're minimizing them, and thus minimizing yourself. Possibly, again though this is probably a reason for not pursuing her or anyone right now until I get myself in better mental shape. I recommend Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I don't think I fully understood codependency until I read this book. I'll check that one out. It's on audible! Ideal for my walks with Lass! Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 A short, polite reply will do credit to your character. Good job, overall. You pushed yourself. You acted in your own interest. Exactly what you should be doing. You got some unpleasant internal reactions... anxiety, self doubt, etc. But I'm sure that wasn't altogether unexpected. You are going through something, after all. It's not going to be a walk in the park.... or a walk in the the Yorkshire Dales, for that matter! Thanks Jibralta. Oddly I am feeling far more positive than I expected I would, I feel I can hold my head high. Life is a funny thing, and perhaps something may happen one day, but for the moment I do not see it and wish to move on. Do you think waiting until tomorrow to reply is ok? I just think a day of reflection and to leave it all alone is a good thing. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Do you think waiting until tomorrow to reply is ok? I just think a day of reflection and to leave it all alone is a good thing. I'm sure it's fine. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 So, at least I know where things stand. I'm teaching via zoom at 2.30 for a couple of hours. My plan now is to keep myself focused on things, but good positive things. I could sit in front of the TV as a distraction, but I might try and so tidying, and make a start listening to 'codependent no more'. Its just a case of trying to fill that void inside that wants someone. I know it's possible, but it's the applying it that is going to be tricky. I had hidden that void before, but that was by obsessing over one of my hobbies, to the point where it didn't feel healthy and essentially....it became that someone where I blocked out everything else. Variety, different things to enjoy and a greater value on friendships. I do fear and being brutally honest here, I sort of ignore friendships and can easily put them aside, because they aren't a romantic relationship which I think I've put on a pedestal to be the holy grail, which it isn't. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 I've just emailed and cancelled the counselling sessions that I have been having. It is probably fair to say you get what you pay for. £15 was incredibly cheap, but as a friend (who is also a counsellor) said 'if you don't feel a connection to your counsellor, it isn't going to work'. I have just emailed a psychotherapist who deals in codependency and appears local to me. £45+ a session, but I think I'm going to have to do it. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 Just taught an exceptionally musically talented 8 year old boy on zoom. He was born with encephalitis and struggles academically. He is doing so well and we are going to make a start on learning the Bach double violin concerto this week. Especially today, this has reminded me what true happiness is. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Take joy in that. You could have (and most likely are having) a lifelong positive impact on that young man. Not something fleeting like whether a woman you hardly know likes you. I'm sure the young man appreciates all you do. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 Take joy in that. You could have (and most likely are having) a lifelong positive impact on that young man. Not something fleeting like whether a woman you hardly know likes you. I'm sure the young man appreciates all you do. He's a great little lad. He is so enthusiastic about what we do. He has two lessons a week, on the second one his Mum is able to help by pointing at the music (as its the area he struggles in). I took my mind off things earlier, by having a good clear out of a lot of paper work and folders that were my Dads. The one I did find which made me smile was from when he bought his first digital camera around 2005 and began printing photos off. This was me in 2005 age 20. These sorts of things use to upset me, but now I find it exciting to think I'm heading down that way. I'm currently 20 stone 3 (283 pounds), in this photo I was 15 stone (210). It is worth reminding myself though that time has passed and even at 15 stone, I wont look like I did when I was 20. IMG_1524 by Dales Boy, on Flickr I'm going to stick this on the wall as a reminder. A real target to aim for (the jumper now fits me too). Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Saying 'will I ever be ready date' just shows my own frustration of the issue of wanting to be in a relationship. I should be saying, if 'C' doesn't get back to me, so what.....I'm happy on my own and do not need anyone to complete my life. As I've said before, it is a hard train of thought when your aspiration since your early teens is to love someone and they love you back. Maybe it is being brought up on Disney films, who knows...... but I know for 20+ years that is what my heart has longed for. I don't think it's wrong to want that life for yourself though, and to be loved... I think that's totally normal. I think a lot of single men strongly desire a family and wife who loves them... it's a balance though between letting that desire ruin your life or run your life, and acknowledging that that's a desire. Even older men have issues with this in their 40's and 50's if they never got to experience that, they have a hard time having to let go of that unfulfilled dream and desire. It's a real thing. You're not any different (or wrong mentally) for wanting it. Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 I'm confused... what in her reply is wrong exactly? Is it that she mentions meeting with friends (is it the implication maybe you've been friend-zoned)? Her reply: "Glad you got home, sounds like an epic journey! Yes thanks for suggesting that, it was lovely to have chat and meet you properly. Its lovely to make some local friends! A walk and pub sounds amazing, let's do it another time for sure! Hope you have a great half term. X" It sounds like she really means that walking with you and going to a pub next time would be amazing and really wants to do it again. Maybe I'm missing something though? Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Just taught an exceptionally musically talented 8 year old boy on zoom. He was born with encephalitis and struggles academically. He is doing so well and we are going to make a start on learning the Bach double violin concerto this week. Especially today, this has reminded me what true happiness is. See things like that will bring you so much more happiness than chasing women or worrying about women. Filling your life with things like that, and if you want, still making the time to date on the side (and not try to get attached too soon, keep good personal boundaries guarding your heart) that would be worthwhile. There's the risk of throwing yourself too much into hobbies that you don't have any time to meet someone, but I think you're finding the balance to be able to make time for doing things you're passionate about, and when the opportunities come up, asking someone out on a date. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 I'm confused... what in her reply is wrong exactly? Is it that she mentions meeting with friends (is it the implication maybe you've been friend-zoned)? Her reply: "Glad you got home, sounds like an epic journey! Yes thanks for suggesting that, it was lovely to have chat and meet you properly. Its lovely to make some local friends! A walk and pub sounds amazing, let's do it another time for sure! Hope you have a great half term. X" It sounds like she really means that walking with you and going to a pub next time would be amazing and really wants to do it again. Maybe I'm missing something though? I actually think you are right maritalbliss86. I had initially seen the words 'friend' and thought.....that's that then. I have incidentally shown that message to a few people and they too like you think its fairly positive. She had mentioned when we met up about us meeting with a mutual friend at some point (which I wasn't too keen on when I'm trying to get to know her that way). It is interesting her reply pretty much sounds like she is happy for us to meet together still. What I am going to do is try and cool my emotions down, and let it go on the back burner. I'm going to reply tomorrow afternoon so not to feel like I'm instantly messaging back, essentially saying I look forward to us doing something together when she has time. It is then for her make the next move. I also found out today that my employment at one of my schools includes 6 free counselling/psychotherapy sessions with a local counselling service, so I'll be ringing them up tomorrow and seeing about getting started soon. As I am off teaching work for half term holiday this next week I'm planning to get some good hikes in to aid the weight loss. This coming Tuesday I turn 35, so might head for a drive to the Lake District with the border collie for the day. Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 You sound like you're doing great, honestly, very happy for you. And I do think things like this will get easier. You're making the right decisions to where they'll eventually feel easier and there won't be as much anxiety or codependency. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 A new day! Woke at 7.30am and figured rather than slumbering in bed, I might as well get up. Completed the morning parts of my '6 minute diary'. One of my three examples of 'what I am grateful for' was witnessing the beautiful sun rising over the hills in the east. I now leave my phone downstairs when I go to bed, which I'm finding very positive experience. I do tend to reach for it in the night still, but that will pass in time I'm sure. Today, I've client's model railway items to work on, I've got in a rut avoiding doing it (always difficult when your hobby becomes your job) but it's money......so I'm going to get started in the next half an hour. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Are you quite tall, Tom? You look tall in your 20 year old pic. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 Are you quite tall, Tom? You look tall in your 20 year old pic. I'm 6ft (or maybe it's 5ft 11.9) I like to round it up! 😂 Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 A photo from yesterday morning. The weather was awful but the sun trying to come through the cloud was quite effective. IMG_1517 by Dales Boy, on Flickr Link to comment
SherrySher Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 That is an amazing picture!!! I can't believe you live there. You are so very lucky. It's absolutely breathtaking. What kind of camera do you use? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 I know. I want to move there. Is all that land public land? Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 That is an amazing picture!!! I can't believe you live there. You are so very lucky. It's absolutely breathtaking. What kind of camera do you use? Thanks 😊 These recent ones I've been posting are just with my iPhone camera. I have a bigger camera, but I find it a bit bulky on walks. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 I know. I want to move there. Is all that land public land? The land is generally privately owned, but there are numerous public footpaths. Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 This may be of interest. These are a couple of photos taken using my Sony A6000 camera which in fairness is far better than the iPhone camera. DSC06697 by Dales Boy, on Flickr DSC00148 by Dales Boy, on Flickr This last one was from about two weeks after I was dumped in 2018. I felt completely lost and bought the camera as a way of getting out with a sense of purpose. Link to comment
dias Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Great photos and landscape. You are somewhere in the midlands right? Beautiful! Link to comment
Long Gone Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 Great photos and landscape. You are somewhere in the midlands right? Beautiful! Thanks! No, further up. Northern England (Yorkshire Dales). Link to comment
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