Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be

[Long Gone]

Amazing DB. So atmospheric. You ever thought of presenting the photo with the moss-covered walls to the Countryfile photo competition?

 

Thank you LaH!

 

I really should I suppose. I see some amazing photos out there, but often feel mine aren’t professional enough for that.

 

I’ve been enjoying looking through Flickr this evening at photos of places I want to try hiking!

[Long Gone]

Just a short update

 

As of this morning I weigh 19 stone 8 pounds, total of 48 pounds lost (almost 3 and half stone).

 

Also had an excellent first session with the new counsellor last night.

 

A lot to be positive about right now! 😊

[Jibralta]

That's great news!

[Long Gone]

That's great news!

 

Thank you!

 

We did 5 miles today after work (early finish). The climbs are getting much easier (I did this same walk around the end of September it was much harder).

 

IMG_2045 by Dales Boy, on Flickr

[Ian4996]

Good job with the weight loss! Are you just losing it from the hiking? Or are you paying more attention to diet as well?

[Long Gone]

Good job with the weight loss! Are you just losing it from the hiking? Or are you paying more attention to diet as well?

 

The kickstart to all this was last August, when I went to my GP as I felt at the lowest I've ever been. I explained how I was putting more weight on, over eatings (even when keeping it low carb). It was found my blood sugars had risen, so they offered try me on a new drug 'ozempic' which would help lower my bloods, but also suppress my appetite. This kick started everything, so its a combination of hiking and eating significantly less.

[Long Gone]

Hit 19 stone 7 this morning! 3 and half stone lost in weight!

 

It will be really exciting when I get down below 18, as that is the lowest I got to back in 2019. Anything below that is a first since around 2004 when I was in my late teens.

[Long Gone]

Thursday night I had my first new counselling session.

 

I had ended the other ones as they didn't feel they were having any effect. There were fairly cheap, and you probably get what you pay for. There were times I'd be talking and I felt she wasn't listening, or I'd have to repeat what I was saying because her responses suggested she was distracted. Its hard to describe, but I felt I was the one bringing everything to the table.

 

This week's felt totally different. The counsellor, listened, he gave me feedback and I just felt like he was engaging with me. A positive financially is that these sessions are covered by the employment at one of my schools.

 

The counsellor commented I seemed very self aware of my issues and I was clearly making positive steps. I explained my main fear at this moment in time is relapsing should things out there knock my confidence. Recent events which at one time would have destroyed me, haven't this time.....which is really encouraging.

 

Positive first steps!

[Long Gone]

Had a wobble last night.

 

I won't go into too much detail, but last week 'C' had got back in touch after I offered to help her with the online teaching work. She then dropped in how she was back up over Christmas and if I fancied meeting up again.

 

I was somewhat pleased she had suggested it rather than me, replied and then sent another message at the end of the week saying I'd had a look into to the software she was using to teach, but couldn't see a way of altering it to how she wanted it, but I'd have another try. Things have returned to radio silence. In fairness, I think this is her.....it's nothing I've done, it is just the way she is (a bit ditzy).

 

Last night though I really began to feel down, and I think this was more about me than her. I'll be honest, I don't mind not hearing from her every day....there is no reason to. I want to get to know her in person rather than by text. The issue is more my own insecurities starting to show themselves because I've not heard back I think.

 

I'll talk to my counsellor on Thursday about it. It was horrible feeling like I was slipping back into my old ways.

[boltnrun]

You have enough evidence to prove this is how she is.

 

I know I mentioned before, but trying to make something happen with this woman is making you feel worse, not better. You seem to be addicted to the high when she responds but in between you feel so low it affects you badly enough to need to get help.

 

Why do you choose to continue to try to force this to work? You say it's because she's the first woman you really like in a long time, but she wouldn’t be the last. Why torture yourself?

 

I hope you have a good, productive session with your therapist.

[Jibralta]

Why torture yourself?

 

I think this is an important question to ask yourself. This is a person who you barely know. You saw her once and and fancied her. Then you went out with her once. Your actual interaction with her couldn't have been more than 10 hours, and I think that's probably being generous. Meanwhile, you've existed on the earth for over 260,000 hours. 10 hours is such a miniscule proportion of your life that it has to be expressed in scientific notation. Why is her impact on your life so disproportionate?

[Ian4996]

Yeah I agree, you're allowing one almost-stranger to have far too much of an impact on how you feel. Your previous 2 posts (about the big weight loss and the excellent new counsellor) were bursting with positivity.

But it seems like you've allowed a lack of / limited response from this woman to totally evaporate those good feelings.

[Long Gone]

You all make fair points, I can't really disagree or counter them other than talk from my own perspective.

 

I'm not someone who can or wishes to jump from one woman to another. Even as a teenager, I never tended to lust after girls, I developed romantic feelings and things went from there (in fairness nowhere).

 

I've not had this genuine 'butterfly in stomach' feeling about someone since I was around the age of 18......I'm now 35. From the age of 21-32 I lived with and later cared for my Dad. I shut myself away from the idea of anyone ever finding me attractive or dating me. For the first time I've felt feelings again and its nice.

It was the first time I'd been out with someone and loved their company, never noticed the time going by and not wanting the evening to end. I've only had 3 relationships and each time I never truly fell for them. I'd say in two of those cases I only went out with them because they were attracted to me.....with such low self esteem I was amazed anyone would like me romantically (sad I know).

 

A week a go, I'd not heard from her for days.....but I felt fine, confident in myself.....my weight loss and hiking.

 

So what changed?

 

Firstly, she suggested we meet up over Christmas. So far I'd done all the chasing, and the fact she asked me gave me hope of the potential for something more. Secondly, and I wasn't going to mention this as I knew 'boltnrun' has warned me previously. I binged on food on Saturday, silly mistake and my weight shot up by 7 pounds. I know it's only water weight, but last night it hadn't dropped which left me feeling like rubbish.

 

So that at least shows where I am. If it's any consolation, I'm feeling a lot more positive and have a special hike planned for Sunday (hopefully) which also will help put to bed some of the demons from 3 years ago.

[boltnrun]

Why did you decide to binge on food? What did you tell yourself when you made that decision?

 

And how is continuing to pursue this woman going to improve your life? Why MUST you get this woman to love you?

[Long Gone]

Why did you decide to binge on food? What did you tell yourself when you made that decision?

 

Because its so engrained as food as an emotional support, even though I don't enjoy it as I use to. Something to bring up at therapy next I think

 

And how is continuing to pursue this woman going to improve your life? Why MUST you get this woman to love you?

 

Maybe because there is potential of something. I like her and and it would be nice to have the feelings returned.

 

Anyhow, I think I'm signing off for a bit. To be honest I think I've been spending a bit too much time on here. I appreciate the feedback and some fair points have been made. Time to go away and reflect I think.

 

See you in a few months.

[boltnrun]

Good luck! Please give yourself credit for all the progress you've made. You won't erase everything you accomplished in a day or two. You can continue to do good things for yourself. Enjoy it!

[Long Gone]

Good luck! Please give yourself credit for all the progress you've made. You won't erase everything you accomplished in a day or two. You can continue to do good things for yourself. Enjoy it!

 

Thank you!

 

When in doubt of myself, I'll remind myself of one of the 'post it' notes I have around the house that says:

 

'You are AMAZING and a crush not being interested in you will never change that FACT'

 

All the best x

[Ian4996]

Because its so engrained as food as an emotional support, even though I don't enjoy it as I use to. Something to bring up at therapy next I think

 

Diet, nutrition and training isn't talked about much on this forum but it's something I'm really into. Couple of things that massively help me with diet (which I hope you'll read even if you're not planning to post for several months) are:

 

1. Have a set number of strict days followed by a planned 'cheat day'. For me, it's normally 4 days of being strict, followed by 1 cheat day. I know others who do similar, but have a cheat meal rather than a cheat day. But either way, it helps me loads to have that day to look forward to as I've naturally got a very sweet tooth. If I was strict every single day, I'd find it hard to keep to and eventually fall off the wagon entirely (which is what happens to other people I know who are always yo-yo dieting)

 

2. For the non cheat days, I keep no junk food in the house whatsoever. I'm only likely to be tempted by it if it's just there (as opposed to having to go out and buy it)!

 

Good luck!

[Long Gone]

Thanks Ian, that is helpful.

 

What I’m doing is somewhat similar and had been working well having a cheat day once/twice a week. On Saturday I just went overboard, I’m not sure why. Like you I don’t have any junk food in the house.

 

I’d like to be nearly 18 stone for Christmas ideally. That would be nearly 5 stone since August.

[Long Gone]

There was me saying I’d take a break from the thread.... 😂

 

I’m on my break so figured I’d write my thoughts down.

 

I’ve deleted ‘C’s text messages and it has certainly helped my mental state, like a weight has lifted. I’m treating it until I see otherwise, that she isn’t interested in me that way. I’d offered her IT help and she had never replied, and no matter how ditzy someone is, I do find that a bit rude.

 

When I do hear from her, I’m going to try my upmost to play it cool. I won’t be pushing for more at this moment in time.

 

I know I’ve said it before, but I’m worth far more than this. The emotional attachment is there but I’ll work on breaking it.

 

The scales are moving again which is great, and I’ve something special planned for Sunday!

[maritalbliss86]

There was me saying I’d take a break from the thread.... 😂

 

I’m on my break so figured I’d write my thoughts down.

 

I’ve deleted ‘C’s text messages and it has certainly helped my mental state, like a weight has lifted. I’m treating it until I see otherwise, that she isn’t interested in me that way. I’d offered her IT help and she had never replied, and no matter how ditzy someone is, I do find that a bit rude.

 

When I do hear from her, I’m going to try my upmost to play it cool. I won’t be pushing for more at this moment in time.

 

I know I’ve said it before, but I’m worth far more than this. The emotional attachment is there but I’ll work on breaking it.

 

The scales are moving again which is great, and I’ve something special planned for Sunday!

 

I think you're doing great. Eventually you want to find someone who is enthusiastic about meeting up or accepting your IT help. I knew a girl who once even pretended she needed help with her computer... because she was crushing on her future husband that bad and wanted to provide an opportunity.

 

You want a woman who wants you like that.

[maritalbliss86]

I know that may have been seen as ridiculous and sneaky (they were college students in Australia so very young), but I think things like that are funny lol.

 

My point is, I think you'd prefer someone who can't wait to see you.

[Long Gone]

Ha your posts has cheered me up maritalbliss86!

 

Spoken with a few friends today about this with 'C' and overall it has made me feel better tonight. Ultimately, I just find the lack of reply rude and perhaps all of this has just taken her off that pedestal I had unintentionally put her on.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hear from her, and when I do I wont be rushing to reply, I'm also going to be a lot more cautious about my interactions with her. As has been stated in this thread (and by friends), I don't know her.......and that age old saying 'actions speak louder than words' feels like it is ringing true at the moment.

[Long Gone]

 

My point is, I think you'd prefer someone who can't wait to see you.

 

I could almost get emotional at that thought, I don't think I've been with anyone who felt that way about me.

[Ian4996]

Just an observation here, hope it comes across as constructive and not as criticism:

 

you seem to be doing really well 95% of the time. But then suddenly, you seem to have these self-destruct moments, as if you get some negative emotions and then lose all your rationality.

 

I've noticed it with your diet (doing really well and then suddenly 'I had a wobble, stuffed my face on Saturday and now I've put on half a stone'), with this woman (acknowledging that you're best just to leave it be, but then making a U-turn and continuing to pursue her) and in your Forum postings (declaring that you're leaving the forum for months but then changing your mind the following day when rationality returns, which you did a while ago too I recall)

 

I'm guessing these things happen at moments when you feel a bit down but I was wondering if, when this happens, there's a way you can sort of acknowledge 'ok I do feel a little bit down tonight but I'm going to keep control of myself and not self-destruct'?