Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be

[SherrySher]

Lol...you'd think it would make it obvious, but trust me, some people won't get what you're meaning unless you say the word date.

 

Sounds pretty positive so far though.

[Jibralta]

Lol...you'd think it would make it obvious, but trust me, some people won't get what you're meaning unless you say the word date.

 

Yes. I'm one of those people.

[SherrySher]

I am too, Jibs. I overthink things and would wonder, does he mean a date? doesn't he mean a date? should I ask? should I not ask? Ugh.

 

But, I am not her. I have no idea what is going through her head. Me personally though, I would need it spelled out for me.

[Long Gone]

Thanks both of you.

 

I’m feeling quite crap at the moment, just from hearing nothing back from that text.

 

So even if I haven’t heard by tonight, should I reach out?

 

Feel so drained!

 

In other news though, total weight loss now stands at 40 pounds!

[SherrySher]

Patience....I know it's tough, but you have no idea what's going on with her. She might be having a really busy day. 9 times out of 10 when someone isn't replying back, it's got to do with other reasons and it's not you.

 

It sounds like she had a nice time, she has no reason to not reply, no doubt she is busy with something.

 

As for reaching out, I would give it a day or two. Try to put your focus on something else. Walks, music, movies, etc.

 

Well done on the weight loss!! You're doing awesome.

[boltnrun]

I know it's hard, but you're already back in the place where your life and mood depend on a woman. I thought you were trying to get away from that mindset, no?

 

What are you doing to try to change this mindset? Other than reading books?

[Long Gone]

I know it's hard, but you're already back in the place where your life and mood depend on a woman. I thought you were trying to get away from that mindset, no?

 

What are you doing to try to change this mindset? Other than reading books?

 

That’s a fair point and something that has been at the back of my mind.

 

Let’s be honest, I’m not ready at all.

 

I’ve taken the decision I won’t be chasing her up, I messaged last night and said I’d really like to see her again.I don’t want the awkwardness of having to pressure her for an answer.

 

Regarding books, I’ve just bought the ‘6 minute diary’ which looks like it could really help me.

[Long Gone]

 

What are you doing to try to change this mindset? Other than reading books?

 

I've been having counselling, which hasn't been overly helpful I don't think. Getting out walking while I can and the weathers decent.

 

Sadly I'd fallen into the old trap, of putting my hopes and dreams on a woman.....and I now feel like crap and I'm just trying to pick myself out of it. I've already broken down in tears twice on the drive home. If its going to feel like this every time, then I really don't want to bother.

[Long Gone]

Just been out for our evening walk. Got a little teary, but tried to focus on the positives out there.

 

I built up courage to ask someone for coffee

 

Had a wonderful evening (granted thats hard to accept right now)

 

I actually sat opposite and was relaxed with someone I was attracted to

 

I'm going to have a read of my '6 Minute diary' and hopefully start writing in it tomorrow. I think (and I know its been suggested its still early days) the hardest thing is that she hasn't replied, she doesn't seem the type to ghost, but either way its made today draining.

 

I'm going to start not using social media after a certain time in the evening, and keeping the phone out of the bedroom and downstairs......I live my life attached to my mobile, and ultimately that isn't healthy. So here we are, back to almost square one. Its been humbling to realise a lot of my recent self confidence boosting was sadly still linked with codependency and being attracted to someone.

 

I feel like a lost little boy this evening, unsure what to do with myself.

[boltnrun]

If you're going to fall apart crying over a woman you had one coffee with, well...yeah...you're probably not in the right emotional state to date.

 

When you know YOU are worthy on your own whether or not some woman wants to date you, that's when you're there.

[maritalbliss86]

I think you're doing amazing... it's HARD to be a man that actually wants to have a good relationship right now in our culture, in my opinion. It's hard for young women, too, but in different ways (and society seems to support single women a lot more with their issues). I think you're ahead of the game because you realize that you don't want your emotions and mental health hanging on whether or not a woman finds you interesting or attractive. You're worth more than that and you realize that, which is awesome!

 

I think the most attractive thing a single man can do is to have a life full of his own passions. When he meets a single women, she either finds his passion for his life inspiring and wants to become a part of, or isn't interested, and it's as simple as that. Your passion for your interests, whatever they may be, will be attractive to someone. Working on yourself (like the weightloss goal) is attractive to women because you're showing you're capable of taking care of yourself and bettering yourself longterm (women like that). Taking care of your body adds to your physical attraction... you become sexier, there literally is no downside to making yourself more physically attractive unless you get all vain and nutty.

 

You sound like you're already working on all of this really well, just wanted to encourage you that you're moving in the right direction. Just keep going, figuring out things that make you happy and fulfilled that focus on YOU and building your skills and talents up. Think of things you've always wished you had time to do or figure out, and then try to create time to get them done or started. Things like this will completely get women off your mind and be great for building up your sense of life purpose and meaning.

 

Women are sexually attracted to a man who has a sense of purpose for his life, and I know that sounds really vague, but it could be something simple. Volunteer work that helps people could be one, but the more interests you have, the less time you'll have to contemplate things like, "Why isn't she texting me back."

 

Honestly I think the compulsion to make a woman the drive and passion of your life is normal for men, but I don't think it's good for men. Again, you're ahead of the game in realizing this is even a problem... most guys probably don't realize that.

[maritalbliss86]

If you're going to fall apart crying over a woman you had one coffee with, well...yeah...you're probably not in the right emotional state to date.

 

When you know YOU are worthy on your own whether or not some woman wants to date you, that's when you're there.

 

I know this sounds nutty, but I think *most* men are like this in their dating phase... they just never would normally be this open unless it was online.

 

But this is common for men. They're actually a lot less secure than we give them credit for, which to me is endearing!

 

I couldn't believe my husband was actually so nervous and cried and such when we were in the dating phase and I was kind of flighty or just ready to end things over stupid stuff at times (I was so naive)... he only told me later on and I almost couldn't believe it - he's not the kind fo man you'd think would have been like that AT ALL.

 

Men are really vulnerable when it comes to romantic stuff. Not play-types really, but even those can be like that if it's a girl they determine is way out of their league.

 

There's a quote somewhere that Men are the true romantics. They care about this stuff a lot more than women seem to at times.

[maritalbliss86]

"he's not the kind of man you'd think would have been like that AT ALL."

 

I mean that my husband is super macho man style... I'm his extreme opposite being super feminine. But you don't think macho-type men would care so much about women, but they really do. Men are the true romantics

[Long Gone]

I know this sounds nutty, but I think *most* men are like this in their dating phase... they just never would normally be this open unless it was online.

 

But this is common for men. They're actually a lot less secure than we give them credit for, which to me is endearing!

 

I couldn't believe my husband was actually so nervous and cried and such when we were in the dating phase and I was kind of flighty or just ready to end things over stupid stuff at times (I was so naive)... he only told me later on and I almost couldn't believe it - he's not the kind fo man you'd think would have been like that AT ALL.

 

Men are really vulnerable when it comes to romantic stuff. Not play-types really, but even those can be like that if it's a girl they determine is way out of their league.

 

There's a quote somewhere that Men are the true romantics. They care about this stuff a lot more than women seem to at times.

 

Glad it isn't just me then!

 

Agreed though I'm not in the right place. I shouldn't be crying over someone I hardly know not texting back. It was such a lovely evening and I'd tried to build my confidence up for it all to feel like its crashing down.

 

At this rate though, who knows if I'll ever be ready. That's life though, I'm so screwed up inside with codependency....like a horrible parasite feeding off my hopes and fears.

 

The emotions have stopped, I occasionally check on my phone, but I'm trying to stop myself from doing that.

 

What will be will be (that's what I'm telling myself at least).

[boltnrun]

What is your therapist having you do to work on your codependency issues?

 

Books and a journal are good tools but you may need active exercises too. Especially if you're crying over a woman just because she didn't reply to your text yet (and she's shown she's a poor texter in the past, right? Not sure why you didn't call).

 

You can't convince someone you're terrific if you don't believe it.

[Long Gone]

What is your therapist having you do to work on your codependency issues?

 

Not a lot if I'm honest. The were very affordable sessions (£15) so I went with them. I just can't afford the standard rates of counselling at the moment. Most codependency things I've come up with is what I've found (online or books), I can't think she has really suggested anything.

 

I realise how selfish my comment was before 'will I ever be ready'. Old habits die hard..... to be in a loving relationship is all I've ever wanted since my early teens.

[Long Gone]

(and she's shown she's a poor texter in the past, right? Not sure why you didn't call).

 

 

Lack of confidence and generally worrying I'd be pestering by ringing.

[Jibralta]

I'm so screwed up inside with codependency....like a horrible parasite feeding off my hopes and fears.

 

Have you read any books about codependency?

[Jibralta]

I realise how selfish my comment was before 'will I ever be ready'.

 

What do you mean by this? What should you have said/felt?

[Long Gone]

Have you read any books about codependency?

 

I must admit I've only read through articles. I have the audiobook of codependency for dummies which I really should listen too.

[Long Gone]

What do you mean by this? What should you have said/felt?

 

Saying 'will I ever be ready date' just shows my own frustration of the issue of wanting to be in a relationship. I should be saying, if 'C' doesn't get back to me, so what.....I'm happy on my own and do not need anyone to complete my life. As I've said before, it is a hard train of thought when your aspiration since your early teens is to love someone and they love you back.

 

Maybe it is being brought up on Disney films, who knows...... but I know for 20+ years that is what my heart has longed for.

[Long Gone]

I’ve just had a reply. I think it pretty much confirms her thoughts:

 

Glad you got home, sounds like an epic journey! Yes thanks for suggesting that, it was lovely to have chat and meet you properly. Its lovely to make some local friends!

A walk and pub sounds amazing, let's do it another time for sure!

Hope you have a great half term. X

 

I think it’s made me realise what was causing the upset yesterday, it was the uncertainty. I feel disappointed but not distressed as I did.

 

My initial thought was not to reply, but that’s me being incredibly selfish. I am probably going to do a short reply later and just leave it at that. I think it’s best I just back off and leave her to suggest a next meet (which I honestly doubt will happen).

[SherrySher]

If you do send back a polite reply and at some point she does suggest meeting up again, just tell her you don't think it's the best idea. If she's asks why, just be honest.

 

It won't hurt and at least then she too will know for sure.

 

This still isn't a loss though, Tom...you pushed yourself, you found the courage within yourself to put yourself out there, you went beyond your comfort zone and you proved to yourself that despite all of it, you are still okay and it didn't break you.

 

Focus on those aspects. In my opinion...it's a win! With each step forward, you are proving that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and that your happiness IS NOT tied to someone else.

 

Besides, who wants a ditz anyway? ;) Chin up.

[Jibralta]

Saying 'will I ever be ready date' just shows my own frustration of the issue of wanting to be in a relationship. I should be saying, if 'C' doesn't get back to me, so what.....I'm happy on my own and do not need anyone to complete my life. As I've said before, it is a hard train of thought when your aspiration since your early teens is to love someone and they love you back.

 

Maybe it is being brought up on Disney films, who knows...... but I know for 20+ years that is what my heart has longed for.

 

I understand the sentiment and the aspiration (which I think is very normal, Disney upbringing or not). What I don't understand is why you're characterizing it as selfish.

 

I realise how selfish my comment was before

 

This sounds to me like you're chastising yourself for having the feelings and aspirations that you have. You're minimizing them, and thus minimizing yourself.

 

I must admit I've only read through articles. I have the audiobook of codependency for dummies which I really should listen too.

I recommend Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I don't think I fully understood codependency until I read this book.

[Long Gone]

If you do send back a polite reply and at some point she does suggest meeting up again, just tell her you don't think it's the best idea. If she's asks why, just be honest.

 

It won't hurt and at least then she too will know for sure.

 

This still isn't a loss though, Tom...you pushed yourself, you found the courage within yourself to put yourself out there, you went beyond your comfort zone and you proved to yourself that despite all of it, you are still okay and it didn't break you.

 

Focus on those aspects. In my opinion...it's a win! With each step forward, you are proving that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and that your happiness IS NOT tied to someone else.

 

Besides, who wants a ditz anyway? ;) Chin up.

 

Thanks Sherry

You make some excellent points in there I agree there really is so much for me to be positive about right now, the fact I actually put myself out there and 'went for it'. Another positive is the fact I haven't once blamed my weight in any of this (which I always have in the past).

 

I'm going to reply tomorrow (I don't see why I should rush back) with

 

'Thanks C, have a lovely half term'

 

I don't think there is anything else to add. I've done all the running trying to organise Tuesday's date and do not see why I should do any more. If she wants to meet up with me, it is her choice and her decision, not mine.