Jump to content

Open Club  ·  17 members  ·  Free

Journals

Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be


Recommended Posts

Hi all

I had figured my codependency thread was becoming a bit more like a journal. More information can be found in my first thread where a number of issues began.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548598

 

The past three years since my Dad passed away have been hard, not helped by the codependency of the relationship I went through shortly at the end of 2017 (see above). Dwelling on her for so long has not been healthy, and it's only thanks to this site and my counsellor that I think I can say, I'm finally moving on.

 

After putting four stone on last year, I'm now finally losing it again....down a stone and half as of this morning. I've been big most of my life and I've lacked confidence/self loathed terribly. I've been infatuated with many a girl through my teens, but all I ever did was tell my friends, they would tell her friends.....and I'd never talk to them.

 

My first proper relationship was when I was 19 with a girl I met on a music course (I play viola). In fairness she wasn't a nice person, and tried to change me....and in truth I wasn't that in to her. I liked girls at music college, but they came to nothing as I'd never talked to them. I moved back home with my late dad and the weight ballooned over the years. With my Dad around I had the companion and best friend I wanted, and the thought of ever being romantically involved with anyone, essentially disappeared. This changed when he died in August 2017 after two years with a lung condition. A month later I decided to start online dating......and the rest is history as I embarked an unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn't right for me, but by being codependent....I got my fingers burnt (I refer you to the thread linked at the top).

 

So here we are 3 years on.......and I'm rebuilding myself. No more hiding away..... I'm 35 and time is going to pass me by if I continue to live this sheltered life. I've become somewhat isolated and cut myself off over the past few years. I'm losing weight, and working on my confidence and becoming the guy I always wanted to be.

 

If you'd like to join me on my journey, you'd be more than welcome.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 407
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I appreciate I've been quiet over the last few weeks. We've been ok, I just haven't had the desire to really post anything. Almost two weeks ago we had a horrendous hike. Bad weather, misjudging

I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas so far. Lass hasn't been too well. The day after our hike she began vomiting, followed by diarrhoea. I called at the vets on Christmas Eve who recommended

Another from yesterday. Looking towards the Scafell range. I'll do a full write up later.

Posted Images

So the latest this week.

Weight's coming off, low confidence thoughts are in check and...someone has caught my eye.

 

New teacher at a school I'm at. I've not met her yet, but her picture was posted online through the school. As it's music related I wondered if we had any mutual friends on FB, seen as we both studied at the same music college. She's quite the natural beauty, girl next door look.......her profile pic is lovely (little make up) very natural.

 

Now before you all roll your eyes, I'm keeping this in perspective. I've never met the women yet, she may/most likely be in a relationship. I have sent her an email just saying hi and welcome to the school 'I'm Tom' etc. That was yesterday and she's never replied, so nothing may come and depending on days I'm in, might not meet her (I only have an hours teaching at this school).

 

I'm happy though, because its the first time I've seen a photo of someone and thought 'They are cute' since my last relationship just under three years ago.

 

I know as I venture out into the big world of properly engaging with women, I'm going to need all the advice I can get from you guys. I wear my heart on my sleeve, easily become infatuated (well I use to). I seem to have a type (girl next door) I go for, and maybe I should broaden my horizons. I often think I look on romance too much like a Disney film.

 

Enough ramblings for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Heading off for the night. Few things mulling over in my head this evening. My lack of experience with women and the dating scene (been on two dates in the last 6 months, first wasn’t going to work, second maybe keeping in touch on a friends basis).

 

With increasing lockdown risks approaching, I have to focus on healing myself and see what 2021 brings. I am looking at coming off dating sites, I find it a bit too pressuring.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not feeling great today if I’m completely honest.

 

My counsellor has had to cancel tonight as she is unwell, which I can sympathise with, but with my mother up at the and the emotional baggage that brings, tonight’s session would have been useful.

 

I’ve realised that a lot of my positive speak recently was clearly only skin deep, it hasn’t taken much to knock me back.

 

Weather’s awful and the temperatures dropped.

 

The one positive right now....my lovely border collie is waiting for me when I get home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

and I'm home.... and one delightful border collie gave me the biggest hug in the world!

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11651[/ATTACH]

 

Things have improved today, and I'm feeling a lot better. There is some good news, I've possibly three new pupils starting at one of my schools which really is great. I also did a demonstration on the violin to a room full of 6 year olds! Did the old classics 'A Whole New World from Aladdin', 'Harry Potter' and 'Star Wars'. It became became interesting when they started requesting themes and I had to think on my feet! :D

 

 

One day when I write a book on life as a peripatetic music teacher, this surely has to be in there....

8 year old pupil at the end of their lesson

 

Me: Right, that's me finished for today, I'll hopefully be home before 5.

Pupil: Are you married?

Me: Er......nope.

Pupil: Awwww

Me: So anyway, if you want to put your things away...

Pupil: Are you dating?

 

I would never have dared say that to a teacher!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I love that dog, Dalesboy.

 

She is adorable (if not a madam sometimes) 100% my best friend. I feel sorry for her tonight, it's still raining and we'd normally do a little hike on an evening.......

 

Sounds like a fun day for you in class. Children are the best. The things they come out with!

 

I didn't know where to look and could feel myself blushing!

 

Think I'm going to battle the rain with the dog, she has been at home all day. Can't let her down, plus getting out in the outdoors will do me good :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, we have a rather damp dog who is now warming herself in front of the fire, and rather damp owner! It was worth it though, love watching her running around with not a care in the world. Life would be so much simpler to be a dog.

 

Time for some Netflix and then bed in an hour or so as I'm up at 5.45 (leave the house at 6.30).

 

Something lighthearted to finish on. My cold (not covid) is about passed and I've been using albas oil to help clear my nose. As I had two face masks in the car, I thought it a clever idea to dribble some albas oil on the inside of my facemask.

 

It was approximately 2 seconds after applying my face mask I realised the error of my ways. I can only describe the feeling as akin to having your airways and eyes set alight.

 

Lesson learnt....and thankfully I had a second mask. :tongue:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Me: Right, that's me finished for today, I'll hopefully be home before 5.

Pupil: Are you married?

Me: Er......nope.

Pupil: Awwww

Me: So anyway, if you want to put your things away...

Pupil: Are you dating?

 

Lololololol, cheeky little girl, isn't she? Awww, little darlings, some of them are so honest and too straight forward.

 

Your dog is adorable. Give her extra cuddles for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Your dog is adorable. Give her extra cuddles for me.

 

I've just returned home and Lass gave me lots of cuddles. I've given her a cuddle from you in return!

That's another teaching week finished for me, but it makes me realise how much I've missed going into schools and meeting people/socialising.

 

I mentioned in an earlier post about a new teacher at one of the schools I teach at and I sent her a welcoming email. Just received a really nice reply back, we are in on different days but I'm only working round the corner on the day she is in. Regardless of attraction etc, it's nice to see someone similar age in my profession and would be nice to just catch up and discuss music. See what happens....it's all a good confidence work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I mentioned in an earlier post about a new teacher at one of the schools I teach at and I sent her a welcoming email. Just received a really nice reply back, we are in on different days but I'm only working round the corner on the day she is in. Regardless of attraction etc, it's nice to see someone similar age in my profession and would be nice to just catch up and discuss music. See what happens....it's all a good confidence work.

 

Great to hear this. It's always a positive step being able to converse with others who understand you. I enjoy working with my colleagues also even if it is remote. Regardless of the ups and downs of this year, there's really no one else that understands the profession like those who are similar to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Great to hear this. It's always a positive step being able to converse with others who understand you. I enjoy working with my colleagues also even if it is remote. Regardless of the ups and downs of this year, there's really no one else that understands the profession like those who are similar to you.

 

Very true.

Most of my colleagues (and many are good friends) are lovely but are around 20 years older than me.

 

I've often put myself down on my playing (as a violist), again confidence issues. Granted I don't do as much performing being more focused on teaching, but this virus has put an end to any gig work I would have done, and I'm genuinely missing performing at the moment. From what I can gather, she does a lot more professional performing....I know how difficult it is for those full time in the arts. :(

 

The border collie is looking at me......it must be time for walkies....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm at a bit of a loss for words right now.......all I can say is thank goodness I have this site to post.

 

My mother comes up tomorrow with the man she's having an affair with (more information in my codependency thread on this post here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565816&page=8&p=7240761&viewfull=1#post7240761 )

 

She rang me earlier to say how she 'wasn't having a go at me' but my comments had got her upset. She couldn't understand how I go over to see my neighbours but wouldn't let her or her man in the house. I explained how my neighbours over the road are my social bubble, and she works in one of the highest infection rates in the UK. She went on to say how she offers for us to go out with meals with them, yes.....but it always feels awkward, especially when they have had a drink and start snipping jealously at each other.

 

The bit that has stung the most was this, she said:

 

'One day Tom, you'll meet someone and you wont want me. Then you'll realise when you love someone, you want to spend as much time with them as possible.'

 

I shouldn't be surprised by this, but it shows where she is and confirms where I fit in. She likes to ring her 'husband' from my home so that it adds credibility that she's with me.

 

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, and not wanting beginning to spiral into despair. I know I need to be careful, because I've been here before and really pushed the dating because I was desperate to find a family to be part of. It has to be for the right reason. She has tried to make herself victim and turned it all around on me......after everything I've told her about how down I've been.

 

However right now with all this going on, I just want to be held by someone who loves me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tom, why do you let her do this to you? You don't have to, you know? By allowing her to ring from your house, you're now a part of her cheating and a part of her being terrible to her actual husband.

 

You can step up to her and tell her, NO, and mean it. Her giving birth to you does not give her the right to behave this badly or to drag you into it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I love that dog, Dalesboy.

 

Sounds like a fun day for you in class. Children are the best. The things they come out with!

 

Tom, why do you let her do this to you? You don't have to, you know? By allowing her to ring from your house, you're now a part of her cheating and a part of her being terrible to her actual husband.

 

You can step up to her and tell her, NO, and mean it. Her giving birth to you does not give her the right to behave this badly or to drag you into it.

 

I never had condoned the affair and I've made that clear, however her husband is a nasty piece of work, he brought on the heart attack that killed my grandmother in 2005. I find it hard that her husband slags me off because I wont have anything to do with him. I don't particularly want anything to do with him but truth be told, how could I look him in the face knowing what I do. It's the fact the knives are out for me I find difficult....when the truth is she is having an affair.

 

I know Sherry.....I know I should say no. I've found it hard to stand up to her, and its taken a lot of courage to stand up to her like I have this week. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes and they will be gone....and as she says 'I probably wont be seeing you now until the New Year', this was said in a way to I think try and make me feel bad I'm choosing not to spend much time with her this weekend. Truth of the matter is, I'm quite happy to not see her in that time, even if it means missing my Birthday in October.

 

At least I have Lass

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you're caught in the crosshairs. Keep working on those boundaries. It doesn't mean you have to openly dislike someone or rock the boat but it does mean learning to limit your exposure. Keep the peace where you can. We may not realize it but our energy and time and the way we choose to spend both of these are precious and it really makes a difference over time. Keep spending more time on yourself and recharging in whatever ways make sense to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
At least I have Lass

 

Is that your dogs name? Very nice.

 

Yes, you're right, sometimes it's not worth it if it's not going to get you anywhere. If they are only there for the day, let them come and go again. No need to stress yourself out over something you can't change.

 

I am sorry your mother behaves the way she does. You deserve a better mother.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is that your dogs name? Very nice.

 

Yes, you're right, sometimes it's not worth it if it's not going to get you anywhere. If they are only there for the day, let them come and go again. No need to stress yourself out over something you can't change.

 

I am sorry your mother behaves the way she does. You deserve a better mother.

 

They are here from tomorrow until Tuesday but I won’t see them beyond Monday and then that’s it until next year. Just got to get through it.

 

About to head of to bed (00:50 here), new book finally arrived which I’m going to have a quick read of. It’s a spin off of a BBC series I’ve been rewatching ‘Life on Mars’. 1973 detectives with time travel/supernatural thrown in.

 

Oh and yes Sherry, Lass is her name :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sleep well.

 

Lass is a very nice name. She looks lovely.

 

Thanks Sherry

 

I did sleep well as it happens. Trying to keep busy before I see my mother. Thankfully I’ve plenty to do.

 

I’m changing cars and I’m going to do the finance forms tomorrow. As I’ll be returning mine (it’s on contract hire) I want to give it a good hoover. Lass’s hair gets everywhere! I know they will be looking all over for faults. New car is a hatchback, white with red roof.

 

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/technology/2017/apr/02/citroen-c3-car-review-supermini-funky-martin-love

 

Today is quite relevant. It would have been Dad’s 81st Birthday. Miss you best friend x

Link to post
Share on other sites

My mother has arrived, and actually it wasn't as bad as I thought. Had a drink at the pub they are staying at and it was just me and her for the first half an hour before her fella turned up. He wasn't too bad either so overall, didn't have a negative effect on my mental is positive. Today also would have marked my Dad’s 81st birthday. It’s allowed me to think of happy memories rather than dwell on the sad.

 

Myself and Lass headed out for our mini hike and I found myself feeling happy, dare I say it.....a bit attractive. Thankfully I was in the middle of nowhere with no-one around for miles. I had Adam Ant blasting through my ears and I was dancing away to my hearts content. Perhaps it was me visualising myself being around 100 pounds less in weight which I aim to be.....I don't know. But I felt happy, fun.....confident.

 

I'm also channelling this regaining of confidence, into the house. Dad died 3 years ago, and the house essentially is how he left it, i've just hidden myself in hobbies (model railways) and ignored it. I'm going to make a start on doing up the house so it feels like 'mine'. I'm very lucky to own a 3 bedroom house in a beautiful part of the world. I can't spend lots of money, but I can start redecorating and changing rooms around as I go along.

 

I forgot to mention, I weighed myself this morning, and I've currently dropped 23 pounds since early August, positive steps so far. Really glad I set up the codependency dating thread earlier, some great feedback and advice.

 

Time to start making my life my own.

Edited by Dalesboy
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just been to do the finance on my new car which I hopefully pick up next weekend.

 

On my way home, I was feeling fairly positive, singing along to some 80s tunes, when I spot a mobile speed camera.....I was doing 35 in a 30 when I glanced and quickly braked :icon_sad:

Just have to wait now up to 2 weeks to see if I've been done. It would be my first offence (I've been driving 10 years) so I may be offered a drivers awareness course (which means no points at a cost of around £100 I think).

 

Ah well...... one of those things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As I've lost more weight, I've treated myself to a pizza tonight. Couldn't eat it all though (a good sign) so Lass had some crust.....she wasn't complaining. By the end of next week, I should have lost around 2 stone since August......this really is a game changer.

 

Decided to reply to the teacher I had originally messaged, said I had an instrument to drop in at school on the day she is in and may pop my head around the door and say hello. It probably wont go anyway, but that doesn't matter, it's helping my confidence building.

 

Probably going to cool off on the updates in this thread, I realise I probably going a bit overboard updating several times a day. Lass and I are settled for the evening, the fire is roaring....and we are going to watch some more Ashes to Ashes.

 

Enjoy the rest of the weekend guys x

Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...