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Multiple breakups, then dumped 5 days after getting back together....


Marcus522

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Long Story:

 

I've (29 y.o.) been in a relationship with this girl (29 y.o.) for 1.5 years. She is a doctor and is very passionate about professionalism and taking care of business (chores and responsibilities) as soon as possible, something she feels that I lack. She is introverted, a home body, and only has several close friends. Born into a well-off upper-middle class family in a small town, she is extremely close to them and calls her parents on a daily basis. Her parents never abused her and would usually give her whatever she wanted as a younger sibling. Because of this, she is a very secure person, which is why I feel that she doesn't need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole. I also believe this is why she tends to be on the stubborn side. My ex and I met through a mutual friend. We clicked well at my friend's dinner party, and things became intimate really quickly. She seemed to really appreciate the physical aspect of the relationship more than I did and would ask for it almost on a daily basis. Admittedly, I was not used to her sexual appetite and even had to ask for break days. The women I’ve been with in the past were very conservative. That, along with requesting her to work out with me and dress up for me (jeans instead of sweats, lingerie in bed), may have led to her feeling that I don't find her attractive.

 

A few key aspects that contributed to the breakup: She wants to live in a small town, but she knows how much I love bigger cities. I've been trying to convince her to move to California, but she refuses. That’s not a deal-breaker for me, but because of this, she firmly believes that I would be happier in California. Secondly, she is a very frugal person, and believes that our spending habits differ too much, even though I haven’t spent on anything unnecessary in the past year or so. Third, she does not care about maintaining appearances, and possibly took offense when I suggested for her to dress up for me (jeans instead of sweats, lingerie in bed). The second point (saying that I spend too much despite not spending for the past year) is where I figured that it’s hard for her to change first impressions. She makes permanent judgments based on first impressions and follows her intuition and feeling. She won’t let anything dissuade those impressions easily. I also noticed that she judges and criticizes most people, and possibly doesn’t really care about people's circumstances that lead to issues.

 

Also contributing to the breakups: While together, I never realized that she cared so much about being on time to things. Even after I realized this, I figure out that it's not about being on time but actually being early to things in a stress free manner. I picked her up 5 minutes late to a date once, which got her upset. I got out of bed last minute for classes with barely enough time to make it, which got her upset. I also had her drop me off at an interview, in which we were rushed to make it on time. All of these events are in her mind, without me realizing what being on time meant to her.

 

She's only been in two relationships: one was a short-lived long distance relationship in high school. She broke it off due to the distance. The second relationship was with someone she met in grad school. She broke things off with him after a year because she did not believe he cared enough about her. She’s been single for 6 years before we met, and just started her career when we got together.

 

We lived at her place instead of mine. She insists to live at her place due to the stressful nature of her career. She convinced me to sleep over on a daily basis, making room for my stuff. I never really liked her place, and couldn’t feel in my element, taking care of chores and business. It felt more like me staying over as a guest and her taking care of her stuff. (Later on, I tried being more involved around the place.) She was definitely type-A personality with cleanliness, but the way she treated me and how bubbly/lazy/chill she was when we hung out tricked me into believing that she was very laid back, which led to problems. In my head, I would just simply be enjoying it with her and hanging out/kicking back, but she was holding me accountable for how unorganized I was.

 

Our first break up occurred when we were out at an event with a group of people. She noticed me eyeing another girl (and I admit that I was) for a majority of the event's duration. When we arrived home, she requested that we break up. However, she didn't admit the reason was due to the girl I've been eyeing. Instead, she blamed that we were too different people. I begged for her back and it worked.

 

A second break up occurred when I had a scheduled flight with the departure date the day after her birthday. I had forgotten about the flight date and had to spend most of her birthday packing and preparing for my trip. Again, I begged for her to stay and it worked. Three weeks into this trip, we planned to call each other at 9 PM, and I did not arrive at my hotel for this call. I was under the impression that it would be okay to call away from my hotel room (I was at a train station on my way back) as long as I was talking with her on the phone. Little did I know that being at my hotel mattered to her. I guess in this case, I did not match my promise word for word. I managed to beg for her back again. I begged for hours on the phone for her to reconsider, and she did.

 

A month after coming home from the trip: The next break up occurred when I came back to her place late at night (waking her up when she had to sleep for 7:00am work). She was so furious that she didn't want to listen to whatever reason I had. I came back late because I was hosting some international students for a tour and did not want to rudely leave the group abruptly, especially when a visiting professor treated us out for ice cream. This was the first time we spent a breakup apart. I wrote to her saying how I accepted the breakup and gave her her space, returning her stuff, asking her to forgive me and to remain friends. Because of this, she kept in touch, initiating contact. She invited me to hang out two days later and ended up getting back together. She understood that this case was not my fault during our talk and admitted that stress at work caused her to overreact. This is the 10 month mark of our relationship, and at this time, we talked about her expectations, how important it is for her that I'm on time, and for me to pick up after myself more.

 

A few months later, another breakup occurred. That day, she texted me from work, "What do you want to do for dinner?". I responded, "let me think and I'll get back to you". Little did I know she expected me to know the time she gets off work (5:00 PM), and to be at home by that time. This was not communicated in the texts. I had to beg her to hear me out and that a meet-up time was not communicated. The next day, she was calmer, and finally listened. At this point, we both decided to work on having clearer communication.

 

The latest breakup occurred when I had to go out of town for business-related trips during weekdays for three consecutive weeks. Lately, I've been noticing that she has not been initiating texts. At the end of the second weekend, I came back home later than the agreed upon time by 10 minutes (10:40 PM). She knew I scheduled with friends for a celebration, and we agreed 10:30, but I came home 10:40. That night, she did not talk to me, but after a couple hours of lying in bed, things became very intimate… The next couple days, we were talking again, and those nights were also more intimate than usual, with her asking for sex each night (more than usual). After that weekend, I left for my last week of the business trip. During those weekdays, I would text her, and she would reply back enthusiastically. However, I noticed that I was always initiating texts, and that she would not initiate texting like she used to months before this. I decided to stay silent, give her a chance to initiate a text, but she did not initiate anything. On my last day, I texted her, and she texted back with enthusiasm to random questions I had.

 

Upon arriving to her place and meeting with her, the tone of her voice didn't match the texts. I was greeted with a stern and short "hi". When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she wanted to break up. She told me it was nothing that I did wrong this time, but she felt like we were too different, and that she enjoyed her time away from me more than the time with me. I tried to reason with her that maybe we just need more time to ourselves and that we've been spending too much time together. She wouldn't listen, and I felt that nothing I say would be able to change her mind. I could tell that she made up her mind. So, this time, I did something different.

 

I walked out of her apartment without begging. Immediately, she asked for her keys back and I gave it to her. Two days later, she dropped off my stuff and asked for her stuff back looking unphased and neutral. I tried to seem unphased by the breakup and tried to portray positivity.

 

A month goes by without a word from her, so I write her a letter thanking her for the breakup. I also wrote about what I've realized about my problems in the relationship and what I've done to change. I also asked if she was willing to meet up. She said she was happy that I was doing well and suggested that we meet later on. Her reason was that she doesn't want to spread COVID to me. Three weeks go by and no word from her yet. So far, I've worked on myself, worked on healing. My strategy was to re-attract her back by being positive and making her feel a sense of joy and fun when being around me.

 

One of her biggest complaints throughout the relationship was she felt I was not taking my studies seriously, that I didn't clean after myself well, and she felt like she had to be the one taking care of me. It's these things that I tried to work on too.

 

---------------------------------------------------------(4 months later) -----------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s been 4 months of no contact. After the 1st month, I sent a letter, in which she agreed to meet up again, but for months she did not message me back. 3 months in, I texted her how proud I was that she was in the front lines of covid and wished her well. She was receptive to that message and said thanks. After month 4 passing by, I was pretty much fed up with waiting for her to send me a meet-up message and pretty much planned on moving on. I also decided to move back to California with my family, but as a last ditch effort, I asked her if I could meet her by returning some stuff of hers. She didn’t respond. So, the next day, I sent her a message saying that it wasn’t only about her stuff, but that I wanted to see her one last time before I went back to California. She sounded surprised, and said OK, and that she was sorry for missing my message yesterday. She claimed to be busy.

 

When we met, I could tell in her body language that she was really happy to see me, almost submissive-like. I was able to convince her to take me back, even though she put up some resistance initially. We caught up, and I showed her how much I’ve changed. I was much more confident with her and made her laugh a lot. I told stories and we caught up. I talked about how I started investing, found a new job, and started tackling student loans. I acted more responsible around her apartment and gave her space to herself when I noticed she was busy. I could tell she was impressed. We saw each other for a total of 5 days.

 

The first day, she weakly pushed my advances away, but we were like two magnets and became very intimate. After, I talked to her about the idea of getting back together. She was reluctant but agreed. I stayed overnight. The second day, I came back to her place after doing some more packing at my place, she wanted to stop what was going on and not see me, but I was able to charm her into the idea of seeing each other again. The third night, she told me to come over later in the evening around 8, and that she’d text me when since her parents were visiting. She texted me at 7 pm that she was heading home, but by the time 8 arrived, she messaged me to stay at my place for the night since she was tired… I agreed. The fourth night, she texted me when she was heading back from work. I stayed over at her place. We were intimate again and talked more about our plans. She even told me that she informed her mom that we were talking again! I could tell that her brother was also informed, because he started to interact with me on a game the three of us used to play. On our last night together (5th day), she reserved the evening starting from 6:30 pm for us. At this point, I felt like for sure we were getting back together.

 

We agreed to meet up in September some time, where then I would fly back to her. We were very amicable towards each other and happy. However, when she dropped me off for my flight before work, she was furious that I put her in a time crunch. Timeliness was one of her peeves, and was a reoccurring issue she had with me, which contributed to several break ups.

 

This incident was different though compared to previous times I was late to things: The night before, I asked her if she could take me to grab breakfast at a drive-through before taking me to the airport. She said no because she wanted to sleep in more (she's a doctor with a busy schedule). The next morning, we both woke up earlier than we planned without the help of the alarm. So, I asked her if we were able to go grab breakfast and she agreed. As we got there, we turn the corner into the drive through and it didn't look bad, until we noticed that the line took longer to move than we anticipated. After that, the whole ride to the airport was tense. She didn't look at me, stared straight, was quiet the whole ride. I checked the gps, and it said that she would get to work on time (she normally gets to work on the dot, maybe a couple minutes early due to wanting the most amount of sleep), but in her mind, she was late. In my opinion, the feeling of being rushed is what angered her not whether she was late. When she dropped me off, she told me that "you haven't changed at all" and drove off. The next couple days, I tried messaging and calling her to apologize. On the second day, she messages me to never visit her again, that she firmly believes that we're not compatible, and that this was a learning experience for the both of us. (I also noticed that her brother stopped interacting with me the day that this all started).

 

After I received this message, I texted to her that I wanted to call her one last time. I try calling her, but no pickup. So I leave a voicemail explaining my feelings, how confused I was, and felt like we had a connection. I asked her to call me back if she changed her mind.

 

The next day (today), I texted to text her:

 

To be fair, neither of us foresaw that the drive-through would be so slow at 6:45 AM until we were in line. The judgement to get food was a team call. We both had equal accountability in this, but for me, extended fasting is painful, and I didn’t want to lose weight. I was also motivated to try and stay fit for your pleasure. I apologize to you earlier as a cultural habit of courtesy and politeness for inconvening you. And to show empathy conveying how you may have felt. I understand you are sensitive to any time-related issues where I’m involved, given past incidences, but I am a changed man! The past few months, I clocked in to work 10 minutes early ever since I started in March, recorded on ADT. I cooked and cleaned after myself, taking care of the garbage and recyclables at your place while managing my own business. Please let go of this incident Alice. Give me a fair chance to prove myself.

 

Two days later, I texted her my plans of moving back to her home state, living with a mutual friend. She then deleted me from social media and texted to me that she will drop off my remaining stuff at her place to my friend’s place. She said, “to be clear, I have no intentions of seeing you again.” She is now stonewalling me and not replying to texts and calls at all, unlike before.

 

I'm totally devastated. I want her back, and we were so close to getting back together. Bottom line is, I don't feel like I was at fault, and I hoped that she would see that. However, my apology saying I would never do that again may have triggered her to send the above message... Even after her message, is there a chance to reconciling? During those 4 months of no contact before our meet up, she never contacted me, and was very committed to moving on... What can I do after I give her space again to calm down? I know she was hesitant to take me back, and felt betrayed, but it wasn't entirely my fault. She had a part in it when she agreed to take me to get food. She could have communicated that breakfast was no longer a good idea! The previous times I was late, I was at fault because I arrived late to events.

 

From my analysis:

 

I feel that she is an extremely stubborn person and avoids conflict - not willing to communicate and talk through problems. She trusts her intuition and feelings wholeheartedly over discussions. I also noticed that stressful work schedules make her blow up easier… but the problem is, she voluntarily over-stacks her schedule with too many hours because she likes to work! She loves the money, and then spends a significant amount of her free time sleeping.

 

We definitely had a connection in those 5 days together, and she's being super petty about me making her late to work (so she claims). What can I do?....

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All of the breakups indicate you two are incompatible. You are trying to force a match that is clearly not meant to be.

 

Oh, and you are just as stubborn as you claim she is. You seem to insist you are right and her perception is wrong and all she needs is for you to explain your side and she will change her mind. That's not showing her respect; that is telling her she is wrong to feel the way she does. That generally doesn't sit too well with anyone.

 

I would recommend accepting this woman is not the right one for you. Then think about dating women who are more compatible regarding time, neatness and dress sense.

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So in the future with another partner, if I feel like there's a misunderstanding or miscommunication and the girlfriend is angry at the moment (refusing communication), how would you recommend I navigate this? This ex even openly admitted to me "you can't outstubborn me".

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You weren't compatible. You should have been done after the second break.

 

What does this mean: " I feel that she doesn't need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole."

 

It may be obvious to you, but can you explain to me why we weren't compatible. Every time she had a problem, I've always been dumped straight up without any ability to talk/argue things out first. In fact, we've never had a loud verbal/abusive argument about anything. It's not even a toxic relationship in the contemporary sense, just another partner stonewalling when they have problems instead of communicating at one point. I've never been tossed to the couch, or warned, just dumped. All I want is communication and compromise during each breakup. How can she be in any relationship if she can't do these basic relationship things?

 

To answer your question, what I mean is that she's very secure and independent, not needing a partner in order to feel happy like some.

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So in the future with another partner, if I feel like there's a misunderstanding or miscommunication and the girlfriend is angry at the moment (refusing communication), how would you recommend I navigate this? This ex even openly admitted to me "you can't outstubborn me".

 

"I understand you're angry. Would you prefer to talk this over now or would you rather let me know when you're ready to talk?"

 

Then if she wants to talk it over immediately, listen to her. Don't interrupt, don't tell her she's wrong, just listen. Then respond appropriately. Don't get defensive, just calmly present your perception. If she wants some time and space, respect that and let her know you'll give her a call the next day unless she prefers to call you. Then wait. If she drags it out for days, she isn't being respectful of YOUR time and it's OK to let her know.

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It may be obvious to you, but can you explain to me why we weren't compatible. Every time she had a problem, I've always been dumped straight up without any ability to talk/argue things out first. In fact, we've never had a loud verbal/abusive argument about anything. It's not even a toxic relationship in the contemporary sense, just another partner stonewalling when they have problems instead of communicating at one point. I've never been tossed to the couch, or warned, just dumped. All I want is communication and compromise during each breakup. How can she be in any relationship if she can't do these basic relationship things?

 

To answer your question, what I mean is that she's very secure and independent, not needing a partner in order to feel happy like some.

 

Do you need a partner to feel whole?

 

If you keep on breaking up, you are not compatible. I would also be upset if my bf was starring at another girl for an extended period. Very disrespectful. You also knew that she was a small town girl, yet kept pushing for her to move.

 

Also, no one wants to play mommy by having to remind them to clean up and do their schoolwork. Another reason you weren't compatible.

 

Move on.

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"I understand you're angry. Would you prefer to talk this over now or would you rather let me know when you're ready to talk?"

 

Then if she wants to talk it over immediately, listen to her. Don't interrupt, don't tell her she's wrong, just listen. Then respond appropriately. Don't get defensive, just calmly present your perception. If she wants some time and space, respect that and let her know you'll give her a call the next day unless she prefers to call you. Then wait. If she drags it out for days, she isn't being respectful of YOUR time and it's OK to let her know.

 

I see. I can't help but freak out and interrupt when they follow up with the "lets break up" card... I'm much better now at respecting that and giving them time. It's been at least 2 weeks since I last spoke to her. All I can do is pray that she can give me another chance.

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"She said, “to be clear, I have no intentions of seeing you again.” She is now stonewalling me and not replying to texts and calls at all, unlike before."

 

"she felt like we were too different, and that she enjoyed her time away from me more than the time with me. "

 

This is very clear. Respect it!

 

Both of you sound quite difficult in your own ways. This relationship sounds like it was very toxic and dramatic. I don't know what you get from all of this chaos. Did you grow up in this dynamic?

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Do you need a partner to feel whole.

 

If you keep on breaking up, you are not compatible. I would also be upset if my bf was starring at another girl for an extended period. Very disrespectful. You also knew that she was a small town girl, yet kept pushing for her to move.

 

Also, no one wants to play mommy by having to remind them to clean up and do their schoolwork. Another reason you weren't compatible.

 

Move on.

 

I don't need a partner to feel whole. I'm in love with who she is, and it's painful to see my dreams of being with her gone. I've made significant improvements, even she admitted that to me. But maybe you're trying to tell me that past mistakes can never be fully erased, and this last event triggered everything to come back. The only thing I can do at this point is to start anew with someone else.

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I don't need a partner to feel whole. I'm in love with who she is, and it's painful to see my dreams of being with her gone. I've made significant improvements, even she admitted that to me. But maybe you're trying to tell me that past mistakes can never be fully erased, and this last event triggered everything to come back. The only thing I can do at this point is to start anew with someone else.

 

Agreed. You are not good together.

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You two are incompatible.

 

You mentioned her family making her independent but imo it would be worth reflecting on your own upbringing and how that has affected the way you behaved in this relationship. Sounds like you come from a family that brought you up in a way that criticizing about not being good enough and passive aggressive "rebelling" about time management and organizing feels familiar, hence you are drawn to all this dysfunction you mentioned. You do not like her way of life and she does not like your way of life. That's a major incompatibility. You are not a teenager and she is not your mother, yet the relationship pattern that you described imo reads like that and it somehow seems to feel familiar to you, hence, you keep going back for more. That's not a healthy relationship pattern nor is it "love". You are stuck in a loop and you need to get out.

 

Imo, you need to accept that you two are incompatible regarding time management and organizing i.e. the way you like living your lives, reflect on your part in the demise of the relationship and what you want to do differently in your next relationship, learn, let go of this woman and move on.

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You should know that when someone starts to become highly irritable, rude, condescending and altogether intolerant and intolerable to be around, the relationship is not working.

 

I think you should also look up blame-shifting as this is a form of emotional abuse when a person cannot accept their own faults or contributions to an outcome. Blame-shifting comes from unresolved issues with a person's identity.

 

She doesn't sound at all like a confident or stable person. I don't think this is only about lack of communication. It's much deeper than that and it's not about being incompatible as a matter of personality types. She will not get along with anyone with that attitude. Beware of individuals who tend to shift blame to others as an immediate defense mechanism. This person is NOT ok and neither should she be dating.

 

Take care of yourself and stop seeking her out. Find yourself some good therapy or counselling and start getting your self-esteem back on track. Look into the above defense mechanisms I mentioned and be very careful when you're around individuals who are fragile or unable to accept their own mistakes.

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This relationship was a train wreck.

 

You shouldn't really even have one break-up, let alone multiple ones. That is a sign that you do not work as a couple and she isn't capable of working though problems without threatening to end it. It's an immature reaction, as is your response to these many break-ups: begging this difficult woman not to leave you. Dude, where is your dignity? That's not what a healthy relationship looks like, especially for two people who are nearly 30 years old. The both of you contributed to this with your own issues.

 

However, she is right about one thing - you two are far too different to make this work. She was obviously unhappy and looking for reasons to end it. Let her stay gone. This was never going to work out.

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You two are incompatible....you want to talk things out, she prefers to kick you to the curb as punishment. She has issues, she doesn't take any serious accountability for it. She needs to go sort herself out with a therapist or some self improvement books. I'm sure if you suggest this to her, she's just going to breakup with you again....and again.....and again.

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I only skimmed through your long post. Really, the only thing that matters is that she never cared enough to work on problems and just wanted to bail. You wore down her resolve, but as would be predicted, the pattern repeated itself, because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

Every time she had a problem, I've always been dumped straight up without any ability to talk/argue things out first.

 

For couples who really love each other, breaking up and divorce is never discussed. A person who truly loves you will work through problems with you, and will pull out all the stops, including couples therapy if needed, before pulling the plug.

 

On again, off again relationships mean it's not the right one for you, no matter how attractive you are to her. There are other attractive women in your area who will be a better match. Take lessons you've learned from this so that you will be a better bf in the future. Especially ogling another woman all night at a party. I would've dumped you over that as well.

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I don't need a partner to feel whole. I'm in love with who she is, and it's painful to see my dreams of being with her gone. I've made significant improvements, even she admitted that to me. But maybe you're trying to tell me that past mistakes can never be fully erased, and this last event triggered everything to come back. The only thing I can do at this point is to start anew with someone else.

 

I'm sorry OP, but you aren't in love with who she actually is, you are in love with an idea of who you imagine she should be. You think she is confident, etc. What you describe in reality is a woman with serious personality issues, a wildly insecure control freak which manifests as aggression and anger and dumping you over and over at every real or perceived slight.

 

Btw, threatening to break up or actually breaking up over any kind of relationship conflict is emotional abuse. Sane people don't act like that and don't break up as a manipulative tactic to get their way or to punish their partner. It worked too since your own unhealthy response was to chase and beg. So I hope that you take away a lesson from this that if you ever find yourself in a situation where your partner is threatening a break up or breaks up, you call it a day and walk away for good. The first break up should be final without exceptions. If you adopt that attitude, you'll thank yourself later and it will help you weed out toxic people.

 

Overall, you described an incredibly toxic relationship where she was quite unhinged and abusive and you were desperately seeking her approval and acceptance. Might want to think long and hard what drove you to get wrapped up in such an awful mess and keep begging for more. From the outside, it was painful to read. Please don't say love, because that's not what love looks like.

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